[IndestructibleGirl]

First of all, I want to say hi to everyone I've been lurking for a while, and found you guys so insightful and wise on so many topics I finally took the step of joining today. I'll try to contribute where I can, where I feel I have something that might be relevant or helpful to say.

Secondly, the reason I'm posting this particular thread is because of a situation that has arisen in the last couple of days with my therapist. We've been working through some pretty intense stuff, and she keeps saying she's there for me and we can talk things through in between sessions. I've really started trusting her and she's been great at keeping her word and being there. However a couple of days ago I sent her an email and I haven't heard anything back. So yesterday I left a voicemail - again nothing yet. Normally she gets back to me after a voicemail within a couple of hours, so this is unusual. So then (and this is where I feel REALLY dumb now!) I sent a final message last night saying I was slightly worried and was everything okay.

I'm a little bit anxious now. I hate that I am but I am- because it seems out of character for her I'm worried in case something's happened to her. But what do I know? I haven't been seeing her that long (two months) so maybe this is how she rolls. Maybe she's not as reliable as I had started to think. Or maybe I have done something wrong and she's irritated. I just don't know, but none of those options are preferable really

I really cannot send another message, our next appointment is meant to be Monday- but am unsure what to do or what to think. Any thoughts? Am I being a drama queen?

[TigerTHC]

Hi There....

I want to encourage you to NOT worry about this. I know it's difficult. Believe me I KNOW.

The worst thing is waiting for a reply from T. In future try not to put yourself in a situation like this. I try now, but still find myself sending messages.

It is probably nothing. She's busy, or technical issues or whatever. it doesn't really matter, but 99% of the time, IT NOT PERSONAL, and means nothing.

Just try to keep yourself busy. Think positive about her. remember positive sessions, look at a positive email reply from before, and just try to relax and breathe.

i'm sorry about this, i know it feels terrible, but trust me...its not worth it.

RELAX!!

[IndieVisible]

You sound like a borderline. Relax. She might have gone away or been very busy. That happens.

[Freewilled]

I would be worried too. I completely understand

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thanks so much for your reply, TigerTHC

I'm fine with it in general, not super upset or anything - it's only if I think about what's going on with her that I feel uneasy, if that makes sense! And I guess I feel like it's a crack in the trust, if she said we could talk about something yesterday but then vanishes that isn't really good enough...and then I think well what if something serious has happened her. Lol, I just end up chasing my tail! Maybe I waded in and trusted too quickly and maybe this is a therapy 'trick' to show me that she'll float back into my horizon in her own time, or something. But I'm not cool with it if it's a trick. Perhaps time to move on, I guess!

[Victoria'smom]

I would try to relax, it's 3 days away. Your T is okay because she has yet to cancel. It's very likely that she wants to talk to you about the email monday. Is it possible that she doesn't work Wednesday? There is also conferences that T's have to go to. I would bring this up in monday's session.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thanks Freewilled and IndieVisible for the messages

Although, Indievisible, I'm not entirely sure how helpful the first part of your reply is, casually speculating on how I might be borderline! I don't mind (and incidentally, I myself thought I was maybe borderline until several different mental health professionals said no, definitely not! I have ptsd and attachment issues, but there we are...) but some other people might find that a bit upsetting, no? But I do see where you're coming from.

[Wren_]

hi, welcome to PC If you've been lurking around here for awhile ... you've probably seen that others talk about worrying about their T's not returning emails as well; so you definitely aren't alone in this I know I've done it before and thankfully each time it has happened (which has been a bit over the last few years) it has always turned out ok ... which I hope you will find is true for you as well. So far I haven't seen anyone mention it being a therapy trick when it has happened to them ... usually it has turned out to be things like busyness; communication going astray; a T taking a vacation etc or ... a T being forgetful I hope posting about this helps you to get through the time until your appointment on Monday

[A Red Panda]

When someone doesn't get back to me and I start to feel hurt or ignored I tend to tell myself two things to try and logic-away the frustration.

1. Sometimes people (and me!) end up so busy during the day that once there is a free moment they don't even think about looking at emails or checking voice mail. It can totally happen.
2. Maybe they are ill or somewhere where they don't have easy access to using the computer.

[WikidPissah]

Welcome to PC! Glad you have finally decided to post.

Yea, unfortunately they aren't perfect, but that doesn't mean your trust was misplaced. I am sorry that you have been waiting for that response that didn't come...frustrating! We've all been there though, and we'll all be there again at some point. Give your T a chance to explain why at your next appt. Until then, don't snap-judge the relationship.

Cheers!

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thank you so much for the thoughts and opinions. I feel far less silly for allowing this to niggle at me now! And also, it's given me some nice balance, hearing your experiences of similar stuff. I have read about it before on other threads, but for some reason being able to directly voice my concerns and have people respond has sort of hammered it into my brain that this situation with my therapist doesn't necessarily spell disaster of any kind

Thank you for the warm welcome too PC seems like a lovely friendly place, it's nice to 'meet' you all.

[IndestructibleGirl]

So, the therapist sent a message back. Said she'd been extremely busy last few days, but she'd get reading my email this afternoon. This is fine but am I being unreasonable thinking if she keeps saying 'I'm here' and 'call me whenever you want' then it gets a bit academic if they aren't actually really there. Like if she said we could definitely talk about things yesterday, and then doesn't even check the stuff I sent her until today...then it jars with me some. I guess maybe I've misunderstood her.

It is ratting me off a little, but I'm fairly sure I am being unreasonable, so I just messaged back and said fine, but I'm concerned about how not hearing from her yesterday affected me - that that feels like a backward step. So I dunno. Maybe she's not in fact the right person for me to deal with my stuff with. Or maybe that's just me sabotaging my therapy, freaking out as I admit to myself that I'm attaching to her? I just don't know!

Thank you guys for holding my hand this morning

[A Red Panda]

I think this will actually be a really good opportunity for you to learn about yourself, actually.

It's ok to feel hurt, about both the lack of response and her admission that she didn't have time. You're also right that it's a bit unreasonable to really hold it against her - you're forgetting that she's human and actually does have other obligations.

But forgetting that about her is also alright, because when you're seeing a therapist it's like the two of you are in your own little bubble, and we put a LOOOOT of trust into them to not hurt us like other people have hurt us. It's really easy to see someone as just their role, and forget that the little bubble we see them in isn't their whole bubble. (Think of how many students forget that their teachers are people, or how people forget their parents are people, or cops, or doctors...).

Have you had a lot of instances in the past where people have said they'd be there for you, and then weren't? I certainly have!! Way too many to even count or recall anymore. So even when it's something minor (like say, someone being ten minutes late) I'll end up upset and feeling like I just want to withdraw from that person completely. I know it's not reasonable of me, but I feel it anyway. I just opt to not punish them for it because I know it isn't really fair.

But feelings are always valid. You'll probably have loads to talk about with your T!

[tinyrabbit]

Last time this happened to a PC poster, it turned out their T hadn't got the voicemail. I'm sure it will be sorted out!

[IndieVisible]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Thanks Freewilled and IndieVisible for the messages

Although, Indievisible, I'm not entirely sure how helpful the first part of your reply is, casually speculating on how I might be borderline! I don't mind (and incidentally, I myself thought I was maybe borderline until several different mental health professionals said no, definitely not! I have ptsd and attachment issues, but there we are...) but some other people might find that a bit upsetting, no? But I do see where you're coming from.

My apologies. It was one of those things that didn't sound bad when I wrote it but looking at it now I see how it could be offensive. But yea, that's how it sounded to me. I could have worded it better for sure. I was out of line to accuse you of it.

[Melody_Bells]

Hi IndestructibleGirl, if I were you I would have been surprised and worried, too, since your T usually returns your calls soon, and you already contacted her a few times! Your T sounds like she meant to support you, so let's hope you're able to talk to her soon and tell her how you feel! You're seeing her tomorrow, right? Let's hope she's able to hear how you felt and everything will be OK.

Yes, it's best to tell your T how you feel. That there's a discrepancy in what you feel she's offering & what she's actually offering.
I have email contact with T and over the years have learnt she doesn't immediately Reply. But she normally replies within a couple of hrs at least.
Leaving it days feels a bit disrespectful. Especially when she's made the offer.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

So, the therapist sent a message back. Said she'd been extremely busy last few days, but she'd get reading my email this afternoon. This is fine but am I being unreasonable thinking if she keeps saying 'I'm here' and 'call me whenever you want' then it gets a bit academic if they aren't actually really there. Like if she said we could definitely talk about things yesterday, and then doesn't even check the stuff I sent her until today...then it jars with me some. I guess maybe I've misunderstood her.

It is ratting me off a little, but I'm fairly sure I am being unreasonable, so I just messaged back and said fine, but I'm concerned about how not hearing from her yesterday affected me - that that feels like a backward step. So I dunno. Maybe she's not in fact the right person for me to deal with my stuff with. Or maybe that's just me sabotaging my therapy, freaking out as I admit to myself that I'm attaching to her? I just don't know!

Thank you guys for holding my hand this morning

You're not being unreasonable. She has a responsibility to be there the way she had told you she would. As you enter an intense phase of your therapy where youre having lots of anxiety or other difficult feelings, you have a right to know how much support you can expect from T between sessions. It helps you decide what you want to disclose and when.

The feeling of neediness, especially in relation to reliving painful memories, is very hard to bear. Your T (and everyone else's!) should know that. It can feel very difficult to ask for support between sessions. You feel vulnerable and maybe a little foolish when you get anxious and frightened because T hasn't given the support she promised. She should never set you up for that.

Definitely material for next session...

[PeeJay]

Some T's live in an alternate reality where they don't think that e-mail is "real communication." I think they teach them in school that all communication is better if it is face-to-face and so the T's think that the clients implicitly think the same way. Or, they hope to enforce this way of looking at the world via example.

Nevermind that most of us clients don't live in the alternate-reality-therapy-world of feelings and families of origins and daily intimate conversations. No, the rest of us work and live in the worlds of law and business and media and education and government and tech.

And in many of our worlds, it is not OK to take that long to reply to an email. I, too, have clients in my work, though they are not nearly of the nature as T's clients. My profession is totally different. My clients would be upset if I ignored them for a day or two, I try to get back to them within a few hours and if it takes me longer than a day, I apologize or give a reason.

And I don't work in a profession where my clients get attached to me as if I were a parental figure - nor do I encourage that.

So if you're a T and you decided to be That Person in a person's life, the crutch who is going to help someone heal, and the crutch who is supposed to be there while a normally competent adult regresses to an earlier, more child-like state and dependency, well then you darn-well better learn the norms of e-mail etiquette in our society.

Otherwise, the clients are going to jump to all manner of wrong-headed conclusions (T doesn't like me, T is avoiding me, I must've said something to piss T off) and then said clients are going to beat themselves up over their wild reactions to a simple non-returned e-mail.

I'm speaking from experience here. If my tax accountant took three days to get back to me, and it were tax season, I'd understand. Any other time, I'd probably follow up to say, "Did you receive this message?" And I'd expect an apology for his delay. But that's all. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. I wouldn't worry that my charitable giving was not to the accountant's liking or that my interest income in fiscal 2012 pissed him off.

If T takes three days to reply?? Or, heaven forbid, doesn't reply to the email at all thinking, "Oh I'll just see PeeJay next week." ? ... All hell breaks loose in my brain!

E-mail and therapists is a huge problem. I think even the therapists haven't figured out what they want to do about it. They just want to live in a world where technology doesn't get in the way and I think they pine for the old days when everything was done by phone and all the scheduling was handled by a secretary.

[FeelTheBurn]

I'm also inclined to think email is problematic in the therapeutic relationship, but less inclined to think it's due to the fact that therapists are a bunch of Luddites.

Email/texting is a terrible medium for anything other than flat, factual information exchange. I'm sure many of us have had the experience of misinterpreting someone's text or email due to the inability to hear tone and delivery.

If the OP's T had replied with a brief "I've received your email, I'm sorry I can't reply in depth right now, but we'll talk at our next session," it might have mollified her, or it might have set her off by not being nice enough, or caring enough, or...whatever enough (not suggesting that's true of you, IndestructibleGirl, just using you as an example). And it takes time and focus to sit down and craft a reply that uses the right tone to reflect both professionalism and caring, and if the T had a truly busy weekend, or a family emergency, or a bad cold....it's a slippery slope. If I was a therapist, I would most likely not offer email or texting as a way to communicate, and would keep just a business line that I would promise to check and respond to once a day. Period. Anything else sets you up for a multitude of little ruptures and misunderstandings that do nothing but disrupt that process.

And it's a part of the larger question, what does the therapist "owe" the client? If my T says she's "there for me," what can I expect? Response in an emergency? Response when the client has a question? When she just needs contact? How about in the middle of the night? How many times a day? Some clients don't communicate at all between sessions; some feel the need or desire to call or write almost every day, and don't make much effort to control those impulses.

Where does a therapist draw the line, and allow herself time and mental space away from her job, which can often be emotionally and psychically draining? It's a balance that I'm glad I don't have to try to strike in my work.

Edited to say: wow, no wonder I wouldn't use email or text to communicate. I can't keep my posts under a billion words!