[ShrinkPatient]

Not just skip out. Actually quit. It's all so pointless. One day up...next one, so far back behind that I can't even see any benefits of the day before.
My so called family is a nightmare. I'm 38 years old and my biological mother still has this ability to trigger me. For years, I really believed she no longer had that. power. I have no attachment to her. No warm fuzzies. So, why am I so angry that she has learned absolutely nothing after all the Hell she's put me through. She should never have had children and I should never have been born!!!

My T has been amazing but therapy just can't work for me. I know she's trying to foster trust and attachment but I can't do this. I can't communicate my feelings in my sessions so going is pointless. Recently I've tried emailing periodic journal entries and I even wrote a letter to her. However, I've had full blown panic attacks today just thinking about them sitting in the inbox waiting. My words. My feelings. I can't share these things with anyone. Not even T. I think about sitting in front of her and literally hearing my words going through her head. I would've felt better if she had read them already but they are unopened and I can't sit there knowing she read them earlier in the day. They're still too close to me. I tried asking her to read them before the day of but my text messages always confuse her. I can't even communicate in text message. How pathetic.

I literally feel like I'm 4 years old... But even here that's the most I can say about how I'm feeling right now. I'm driving myself crazy and she must be at her wits end. I'm too much work and there's no payoff. I can't do what she needs me to do. It's just way too painful and I can't keep going & wasting her time when she could actually be helping someone else. Also, My growing attachment wont get any easier for me to deal with. This growing attachment isn't going to get easier either and i cant do it either. its just too painful to not be alone.I'd rather disappoint her now then for her to come into her office and find my name on the list of her patients that end up in the hospital or morgue. That's where it's going. That's where it's always been going.
I'll never escape, therapy or no

[likelife]

Sounds like you're feeling really exposed, which I totally get. I wonder if this is something you can directly ask your T for help with - reducing the anxiety that comes with putting yourself out there.

Thinking that your T is at her wits' end also sounds like projection to me. You're fed up, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she is too.

[CantExplain]

((patient))

Therapy can be long, slow and painful.

[1stepatatime]

Hey,Shrink patient
Please understand that I am not trying to minimize your frustration and despair,...it is real. I believe many of us question the benefits of therapy at times. I have found myself feeling angry, upset, like my T doesn't give a damn, alone,and frustrated to feeling safe, understood, cared for, validated and even liked. I,too believe that we project our feelings onto our T's. As hard as it might be, maybe you can have a discussion with your T. Or just print out your post. I am better able to communicate my feelings via email as opposed to face to face...it's hard!!
Hang on and never give up...thinking of you :-)

[FeelTheBurn]

Don't give up, SP. Many of us have been where you are, and some of us still wander back there now and again. There are few things more painful than therapy done "right"--so much fear, so much frustration with yourself as you struggle to open up and stay open, so much anger and hurt unearthed....And when you are faced with all that at once, it's so overwhelming, and so hard to imagine gaining mastery over all those emotions and defenses that you have carried for so long.

Your T gets it. She hears you, sees you struggling, and I can pretty much guarantee she respects your courage and wants to meet you with as much commitment as you are showing.

There will be times like these when you want to give up, when it all feels like too much. And people will be here for you to vent, people who know what it's like to go through the cleansing fire, and will cheer you on and support you and commiserate and offer their experiences. There's no guarantee that you'll find success, but there are good odds, if you don't give up on yourself, and keep going and giving it what you can. Sometimes that will be a lot, sometimes it will just be the act of sitting on that couch and showing your commitment by just being there. It will get easier.

(And I'm almost 50, and my mom still pushes my buttons big time. The best way I've found to "beat" her at that game is to continue to heal, continue to learn about myself, and while she can still get to me, her barbs are blunt and bounce off, rather than digging in. That, too, will come for you.)

I hope I am not speaking out of turn when I say we are all, all of us, rooting for you, just as we root for each other, for anyone brave enough to do this work.

[ShrinkPatient]

I'd like to say more then Thank You for the support but can't think well enough to do so at the moment. However, I have read all your very kind words... Many more then once.

I hope to say more later.

Therapy is the most courageous thing we're ever do. I use to think whrn T commented on people that forgot their sessions etc because they didnt 'hold onto' the process that they were the strong ones. That I was weak because I arrived on time always and never forgot sessions etc. T showed me my thinking was upside down. Turning up and just doing it through all the shame and embarrassment is courage. Fearing it but going any ways is the true diffination if courage.
My family can't trigger me now. My regressing to a child state was imperative to my healing.
It's your choice at the end of the day. But I chose to live the best life I could. We only live once. Who'd want to have their past be their only epitaph.

[Asiablue]

The answer is simple : Keep turning up.

That is all you have to do right now shrinkpatient. Just turn up. The rest will resolve itself. None of it is pointless, for every appointment you turn up to is a step forward to finding peace. You can do this!

[allme]

Don't give up! It's a slow progress but one that should pay off eventually. Wishing you all the best

[ShrinkPatient]

Im not going back. My T called. I feel utterly rejected. I knew better!!! I knew id be left with all this pain to deal with on my own like I aways have. What was the point in all my effort?

[ShrinkPatient]

I want to cut myself to pieces!!!!

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by ShrinkPatient

Im not going back. My T called. I feel utterly rejected. I knew better!!! I knew id be left with all this pain to deal with on my own like I aways have. What was the point in all my effort?

Can you talk about what happened to make you feel this way or is it too painful?

[FeelTheBurn]

Stick around, SP, and talk about it, if you can. What happened?

[ShrinkPatient]

She called me bc I had LM that I wasn't doing well. She spent a total of 9 mins on the phone with me. T pretty much said that I'm....

Nothing she said matters now. Monday she said she wanted to read everything I would send her. But she hasn't and now she wants to switch gears and focus on goals??? I thought I had been.
I can't even type. I keep erasing because none of it matters.
I thought my T cared. After she's barely read anything I've sent, now she wants to change therapy???? Total rejection. She didn't really care at all!!!

[FeelTheBurn]

I hear that you feel that she doesn't care about you, because she didn't read everything you'd written, and that she didn't give you the time on the phone you felt you needed. But I also note that she did call you back, responding to your message that you were struggling. And she wants to discuss goals with you again; that is a sign that she wants to continue helping you, that she wants to work with you. She wants to work on goals so you have some signposts along the way to point to--"look! I've accomplished this!"--because you've expressed frustration with yourself and a feeling that you have made no progress. She may not have read all your messages, but your appointment is on Saturday--perhaps she was intending to read them before your appointment, so they'd be fresh?

I am not trying to be argumentative. I am seeing something slightly different, am interpreting something differently, than you are. Because you are interpreting her actions and words in the worst possible light for yourself, and using them to "prove" to yourself that you are not cared about, that you are not worth the time or energy.

Well, I'm a total stranger, and I think you are worth the time and energy. I would guess that your T, whom you called "amazing" in your OP, also thinks so.

I know that it feels like a tall order to try not to beat yourself up, but I hope you can find some way to be kind enough to yourself to carry on, and give her the chance to keep helping you. It sounds like you're hurting something awful, and I get that, I've been there. And there is a light at the end of that. You just have to keep moving one foot in front of the other.

[boredporcupine]

If you need something to do to pass the time, look up the sticky on common cognitive distortions and see how many of them you can find in your original post. We all make those when we're reasoning from our past bad experiences...

[ShrinkPatient]

Sui thoughts. Therapy was suppose to in 6 hrs. I CAN NOT go!!!
Next session Monday... Doubtful.
Why ask for help again just to be rejected again.

[ShrinkPatient]

Literally can not go now... I called the office and the secretary said I wasn't in the computer for today. I have had standing apts every Mon & Fri. She's obviously tired of dealing with me!!!
I am too. I don't think I'll make it thru the day let alone the weekend.

[Tarra]

I know that you feel right now that T doesn't care about you. That is one interpretation, and it's okay to feel that way, but it's not the only possible truth. You said before that she is amazing and trying to foster trust and attachment, so there are some signs that she cares about you too. In her phone call you felt you needed something very specific, and she didn't realise exactly what you wanted, or goofed up because she was having a terrible day. Maybe she thought that the goal thing would help you feel better, but she got it wrong because she's not a mind-reader.

The schedule thing was probably a plain old mistake - no halfway competent T would just cancel a patient's appointments without talking to them first.

I really hope that you will go on Monday and talk this through with her, and tell her what you've been saying to us. You deserve support

[peaches100]

Hi Shrinkpatient,

I know you're going through a super painful time. I want you to know that we care about you here! How are you feeling today? Do you feel like sharing?

Peaches

[ShrinkPatient]

UPDATE!!!
THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO THOUGHT ABOUT ME!!!
Seriously, I appreciate it more then I am able to express.
I suffered a major psychotic break of the suicidal variety. It was very serious and I won't detail the gore of my attempt on this post for fear of triggering anyone. However, it was considered an escalation of previous attempts and so I was sent to a treatment center instead of into crisis management "holding cage". Now, I know the difference.
Anyway, it has been a very positive experience in spite of some of my lingering concerns and anxiety.
I received a new diagnosis, which I had been very resistant to. Also, I was put on two new medications, both of which I swore I'd never take. I was of the mind (what a sick mind?) that by taking these types of meds, I would lose control of myself and who I am. What I know now is that I was never in control anyway. Sigh
That's not easy to admit!

New Dx: BiPolar. (Yeah, I'm joining that forum too)

New Meds: Klonopin .5 2X/day for anxiety
Risperdal 2mg/day mood

I don't know much about the diagnosis or the meds.
Any further help would be greatly appreciated...

I am feeling better now & I see my T tomorrow & my PDoc Tuesday

[Tarra]

Really glad to hear you're feeling better, shrinkpatient

[FeelTheBurn]

Very happy and relieved to know you're on the rebound. I thought of you often, and was worried about your health and safety. Glad to know you're ok, and glad to hear you're making progress. Keep it up, and don't be a stranger!