Trying to surrender to vulnerability

I am learning that allowing myself to be vulnerable is hard, harder from what I thought. When I go to my session I still have on (what I call) a suit of armor. It is slowly coming off but it is taking some time. My T wanted me to try something last week..I was reluctant at first but then after a little encouraging from my T I just went with it. I had to sit on the ottoman then lay my back on the sofa ( feet on the floor) and take deep breaths. She wanted me to breathe with my mouth open but I felt weird so just breathed through my nose. After a minute or two ( seemed like an eternity) she had me hold my breath for as long as I could..she said hold it until it became unbearable, which I did. Once I stopped I almost gasped for breath...said "okay!!" I feel like an idiot because I actually forgot what the purpose was of this exercise but the whole point of this post is that I am slowly letting my guard down and surrendering to this process.
I sometimes feel a little cowardly because it is so much easier for me to share my feelings via email. I feel fortunate that my T allows email but at the same time I wish that I could just articulate better while we are together in session.
I don't know if any of you feel this way but when I get to thinking of how emotionally dependent I have become on my T it freaks me out!! Sometimes when I find myself thinking of her and how I just want to feel safe I will clench my fists tightly, really tight and mumble "no!!!" I am struggling with being vulnerable...I am so used to being logical, intellectualizing and now I am learning it doesn't work for me anymore. This is a frightening process sometimes..

being vulnerable is frightening, usually because most of us are in therapy in the first place because someone we trusted greatly violated that trust. we have to learn to trust all over again and our instinct is not to do that. we must protect ourselves. it is admirable that you are taking positive steps in trusting your t in therapy. take care.

Check out Brene Brown's TED talks on vulnerability! "The Power of Vulnerability" and "Listening to Shame." Good stuff about this subject.

Being vulnerable makes me feel physically unwell at times, and I remember once after a session where I felt vulnerable and exposed for the first time I felt like someone had poured acid over me, and dissolved that outer layer of persona. I was a bag of nerves walking around, feeling incredibly self-conscious, until it dawned on me that being vulnerable to that extent with a trusted person didn't mean I was immediately vulnerable to the whole world and its mother.

Vulnerability is a difficult one. I doubt I could even say the words (like you, I'm much more able to communicate hard stuff by email) but I've noticed I'm allowing it in little ways as well. Today I confessed a maternal transference that's become very clear in the last few days and fear at the dependency on her which made me feel like I laid myself wide open for her irritation and ridicule and all sorts of hostility. But I did it, and a couple of weeks ago I'd rather have hacked off my own fingers with a rusty blade. Baby steps. We can do this vulnerability thing!

Thanks, Kaliope
Yeah...this building trust thing is hard!! I feel like such a sh** sometimes because my T is always there for me yet the littlest thing will throw me off!! Insecurity rearing its ugly head. I had the ultimate betrayal as a child..I will just say it...being molested by an uncle for several years and THEY KNEW and did nothing to stop the abuse...I can't imagine...if anyone ever tried anything with my kids or ANY child I fear to say what I would do...
whew...that just came out!! But yeah...trust takes time and thank you for your support!!

Thank you,PumpkinEater! I will check it out for sure...I always appreciate resources that help me to better understand ME!

Wow!! My hat is off to you that you were able to discuss maternal transference...I have touched on that in email but that is it. It sort of plays with me because my T is about ten,eleven years younger so it is sort of weird. But a good friend who is a T told me that transference does not care about age...that helped. Thanks for your post

I am so relieved I have found this site! I could have written your post. Isn't it a weird thing. Feelings are feelings I guess but it's so hard to rationalise. I don't think I'm making sense - just wanted to thank you for raising this & to let you know you are not alone. I hope I find the strength to talk to T about these feelings. Just seems like these feelings are taking over from the original reason for me seeing her!

I too have that maternal transference and feel so embarrassed especially with my T being a lot younger than me.

Exactly! It is so strange..talking about transference is really tough for many of us. I have vaguely touched on it with my T but I am careful because it is so embarrassing for me! I believe that despite the reasons that brought us to therapy the transference is the work...

Same situation here. The age difference does make it feel strange but with transference age does not matter at all. But I feel you...still getting used to it!