[RTerroni]

Having a major blowup at my house right now so very sad

[Lamplighter]

Post Christmas crash has turned into a post New Year crash ack! Going to start taking my decorations down today, couldn't get more depressing

[LadyShadow]

Hating this snowstorm, its making me really anxious and worried for anyone that has to go out in it, and having to shovel all of it later..

[Freewilled]

Feeling like a child right now and ever since therapy yesterday /: feeling badly that I tell my T in a roundabout way I need validation, so then he tries to validate me, and I reject him! Wtf? No wonder he gets frustrated with me! I would too!!

But I do need validation. More so from myself. Maybe I'm too proud to accept it from him. Maybe I don't believe him. Most likely, I'm afraid I'm too much and he will just leave me anyways so why let him in? Let him see me so vulnerable and know how I agree with him about my pain, only to have him pull the rug out from under me and tell me to buck up.

Stupid abandonment ****! So seriously - why do I feel like a little kid? I just want to put my head on my T's shoulder right now. I will never do that though....

Second night with zero sleep. That's not good. I see my T today and he'll probably tell me it's time to call my pdoc. Not real fond of sleep meds, but pdoc will probably prescribe them for me. Thus is life.

[Aloneandafraid]

I'm feeling really weird. I have the worst headaches which I've now had for three days. I can't sleep because of the pain and I just feel exhausted. I need to take the Christmas decorations down but can't be bothered! I need to get myself sorted for the new term which starts on Monday but have no energy. I am afraid of the way I feel. I just can't seem to function. I want to see T but then I don't. We've had a four week break and I just think what's the point? Happy new year!

quiet...silent...like I have nothing worth someone hearing...

Maybe its a good change...

Really crappy.

[healingme4me]

It was a Xanax day. No wonder, I ended up taking a nap. Xanax=naps!

OK, don't know why I felt anxiety coming on, but it came on. It just does. Maybe, it's because it was a semi-visitation day?

Tomorrow, is the next talk therapy session. I hope I find the time, it's either one hour or the other. I'll shoot for the earlier hour, that's what I'll do, since my card is gosh knows where and I don't think I put it in my phone, no, I didn't. Well, there's always a coffee shop around the corner, or I could just call in the morning and verify, the time?

So, what to discuss? I mean, there's all kinds of things. Sometimes, I lead the discussion, sometimes he asks questions, that lead to further discussion. Time will tell. Maybe I will broach the topic, at hand. It's new since last session, at the same time, it's getting to the point of resolution. I am working on the forgiveness angle. That is known and discussed and lots of virtual hand holding, no nit picking on my part, but realizing that I was holding in certain things, because I have this sense within myself that I must deal with things all by myself. Which, was expressed! You'd be so proud, I express things!! I actually express my inner feelings, verbally. Sometimes written, by virtue of time constraints/schedules, that type of thing. But, expressed! In no accusatory tones, I leave out all the junk that I lived when I was 17, 18, 19, 20,21 years old. But because I swung the pendulum, I didn't express to my exh. Who has been my exh since 2010. I am having a whole hoopla of *aha*....
My exh lost it, absolutely lost it on me, because he never emotionally divorced, which was addressed in therapy, at one point. I'd emotionally divorced, physically divorced and even annulled that union. Um, my exh doesn't know about the annulment, is it better to stay mum, or do I really, really have to be 'adult' again with him, and tell him? Um, because we all know what happened the last time, I decided to be an adult and tell my exh something major....

[Patagonia]

Anxious. Very anxious & teary. Just full of emotions.
I'm getting ready to go inpatient. I'm hoping for Wednesday but it makes me so sad. Right now we don't have coverage for the kids in the morning. I found coverage for everything else. Feel like a failure & spent. I'm tired & yet I cry @ every turn.
Had to tell my H about packing lunches for the kids & I broke down. I always make school lunches. It's my responsibility not anyone else's. But I've decided to do this program that will supposedly help me. I'm full of so many questions, wonders, statements EVERYTHING! My mind won't rest. One hr I'm dying to go saying I've got to get out of here & the next hr I'm crying hanging on for dear life to stay home. This down time is killing me & my emotions.

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[Freewilled]

Like I'm not making any sense inside. I'm confused. Stressed because of the snow stuff and I took a personal day too soon...jumped the gun. Suck at communicating. Ugh. It's a long story. I'm paranoid with people - I assume they think badly about me but how do I even know that? Why am I paranoid? What's wrong with me? No wonder I can't have relationships and feel detached like this. I feel like a freak right now. And earlier today I felt good. I'm never constant or stable. I both admire and resent my Ts strength and stability.

I suspect this will night 5 of no sleep. I did manage a nap for a couple of hours, but that isn't going to cut it. The sleep med my pdoc called for me gave me 1 hour of sleep, but then I woke up and never fell asleep again. I took it almost 2 hours ago and it has had absolutely no effect. I've taken this med with success in the past, but this time no luck. I guess I'll call him tomorrow so he can call in something different. I know the med he uses when I'm in the hospital works beautifully. It's just quite expensive so we went with this other that has worked on insomnia, but probably it was not as bad as it is this time. I may just bite the bullet and she'll out the money for it. It will be cheaper than a hospital stay which is where pdoc will want me if this doesn't correct in the next day or so.

[Freewilled]

Like I need to keep posting and posting here because the pain in my heart/chest is relentless tonight it's a painful hole - ugh. That void or whatever. It sort of feel like when you catch your breath and can't breathe. Like you need to cry but it's just not coming out at all. I don't know why it's so present tonight but it hurts and I'm sad.

[Nightlight]

I can't believe that there is so much pain associated with going to therapy and so much pain associated with not going. It's feeling a bit lose-lose at the moment.

[Rzay4]

Sleepy but happy. I'm doing pretty well these days.

[BadWolf]

Manly

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[Yogix]

Indifferent.

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[thestarsaregone]

Mildly depressed, but too busy to fall apart. Trying to keep afloat!

[healingme4me]

Awake, even on little sleep, nothing some coffee won't help. Still processing, yesterdays session. He gave a perspective spin on things. There was a slight compare, contrast,a Marshall Matthers song was used over a year ago, and that came to light again, with a newfound appreciation.
Reflective on where I'd been for six years....
Works both ways....
Can a cat bay at the moon?

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[Aloneandafraid]

Abandoned/rejected. I reached out to T and got what I expected back. four little words. "See you on xxxx". What is the point in continuing this "relationship" when I am hurting so badly and in need of support so desperately but I can only get it when I pay for it and only for 45 minutes a week. Its not enough. Am I too demanding? I cant take this anymore. I feel so emotionally drained, afraid, everything is changing. I feel that my friends don't like me, they are all fed up with me for being so needy and pathetic. Nobody likes me. My H hates me and tells me I am useless/a failure at everything. What is the point - where do I go from here?

[Nightlight]

Have to go to the dentist tomorrow. Have a big visible cavity, but there will be more than just the one, there always is (thanks genes, depression and bad teeth). I'm terrified of the dentist and I have no one to tell.

Really, really not looking forward to tomorrow. Ugh. I'd nearly forgotten what it feels like to go to bed feeling this afraid and dreading the next morning as much as I am right now. Pretty self centred, as if I have it so bad.

Starting to feel much more stable now that I've gotten a reasonable amount of sleep for two nights. Still could be better, but it's going in the right direction.

Possible trigger::

Just found out on of my students tried to kill herself yesterday and is in the ICU. I hate to hear that. She'll be fine physically. The rest will take some time.

[RTerroni]

A little sick (likely due to all of the cold weather we have been having) but I am slowly getting better.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

Have to go to the dentist tomorrow. Have a big visible cavity, but there will be more than just the one, there always is (thanks genes, depression and bad teeth). I'm terrified of the dentist and I have no one to tell.

Really, really not looking forward to tomorrow. Ugh. I'd nearly forgotten what it feels like to go to bed feeling this afraid and dreading the next morning as much as I am right now. Pretty self centred, as if I have it so bad.

I have to go tomorrow too as a massive filling fell out along with half of my tooth. It's the third tooth to do this in as many months. I am literally breaking up & falling apart! I am so nervous too and I too have no one to tell!
My teeth are really bad.
I had to have a root removed last month in hospital. It's scary. Think it Might have something to do with my unhealthy coping behaviour.
Good luck tomorrow. I am thinking of you and sending positive vibes.

[rainbow8]

I am feeling pretty good in spite of my T being out-of-town. I think I WILL be able to handle sessions every 2 weeks instead of weekly!