Dilemma

I have a problem that I know the right answer to but I'm struggling with anyway. I really care what my t thinks of me. I want him to like me. The problem is that I don't think my current, depressed, lazy, apathetic self is very likable. So I am tempted to go into therapy and say how I am doing all of the things I wish I was doing because that is the person he'd find interesting.

Of course that person doesn't need therapy.

I know it is bad that I am worried about whether he likes me or not but it really does matter to me.

Has anyone else struggled with this?

I have struggled with this. Yesterday, someone attacked me verbally, said some cruel things about my appearance. My t asked me what they said, and I was terrified for my t to have that image of me floating in her head (we meet online, so she doesn't really 'look' at me).

I wanted to hold back about my image to spare myself the pain- what if she agreed- as you fear that your t will see you as depressed, lazy, apathetic and unlikable...

but I believe that I am beautiful and likable. I have faith, that if your t is a good human being, what they will see is the truth- that you are a wonderful person who is *struggling.* Not lazy, not apathetic, not unlikable, but struggling. We're still beautiful in pain, really, it just takes the right people to see it I think.

Best wishes to you. I hope you'll trust your t to be your honest self, it can be quite a reward to have that self accepted, supported, and reflected positively in therapy.

Funny thing is he already knows I am depressed etc but last week he said something about me liking to be a victim and it has really really bothered me that he sees me that way. So now I am finding myself being more careful.

I've discovered that a T will like you if you are honest about yourself and work hard in therapy. They want to help, and if you aren't truthful, it makes it harder for them to do their job, and therefore they will like you less, not more.

This now makes loads of sense to me - my T has been saying things that seem to mean exactly what you're saying here Rain - he seems to like it when I'm being authentic, honest, 'present' as he calls it, in terms of opening up about who I really am and how I really feel and think - quite a turn around for me as I'm still pretty much convinced that of course neither he, nor anyone else (including myself), could like the real me.

Nerak67, maybe you could talk about this to your T, without having to suddenly expose who you think you really are, get a better feel for the fact that your T probably really would like you for who you are and not so much for how you think you ought to present yourself in a 'better' light. No shame in seeking reassurance and safety and no shame at all in being anxious about it

I understand what you are saying. I talked to my T last week (and then posted here) that she was pushing me to do things that I don't feel like doing. Some of the responses I got were not helpful and honestly made me feel worse because I already feel bad enough as it is. I thought she was mad at me because she felt I am being lazy.
I actually felt the same way that you do when I first starting seeing my T. It was a couple sessions for her to see how I really feel. The way I thought about my first sessions were this. I can go talk to someone and possibly try to get some help, and if I end up making a fool of myself, I don't ever have to talk with them again. I found it a lot easier for myself to open up. Also remember that they don't expect your life to be prefect, they already know there is a reason you're seeing them. If you feel like opening up is not possible, or if you have but don't feel like your getting any responses from it, tell him. While he may know a lot about therapy and how to help people, everyone is different. Giving them some guidance may not necessarily be a bad idea. Hope this helps. Hopefully you will have a break through soon!

As far as him liking you, I think most therapists would like their patients to be authentic with them (however long it may take, with all the trust that needs to be built, etc.). "Interesting" isn't being the 'most' troubled patient, or the 'most' well patient --interesting, I think, is being authentic, because that's where the true core, unique you comes out. I think everyone's interesting, once you get through the layers, down to who they really are.

I think most of us struggle with the feelings you describe. The degree might differ. I mean I've never felt I should change to be liked.