[Nerak67]

I totally ruined my relationship with my old t by becoming too needy. I swore I wasn't going to do it with my new t but here I go again. He really liked kee and told me how awesome I was told work with and now I've gone and blown it by becoming psycho again. I hate myself.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

What in the world did you do?

[gayleggg]

You don't really say what you did that was so bad, but did he tell wouldn't see you again as a patient? Depending on your actions, he may be able to help you through this. Don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you can work something out. If not, find another and try again.

[Nerak67]

I just sent him a pathetic needy email this morning (after session last night). I didn't really ask anything of him just babbled about how hopeless I feel and that I think he doesn't like me anymore. I so wanted to have a mature adult to adult relationship this time but here I am being the pathetic needy 5 year old again.

This t is straight cbt so he's not going to get into dealing with the whole relationship dynamic and all of that stuff.

He hasn't responded.

perhaps he will respond later
You are not a psycho- if you were you wouldn't think like you do or blame yourself. You are just needing some attention and some connection- there is nothing wrong with that.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

I just sent him a pathetic needy email this morning (after session last night). I didn't really ask anything of him just babbled about how hopeless I feel and that I think he doesn't like me anymore. I so wanted to have a mature adult to adult relationship this time but here I am being the pathetic needy 5 year old again.

This t is straight cbt so he's not going to get into dealing with the whole relationship dynamic and all of that stuff.

He hasn't responded.

I know that CBT can help a lot with the way you think, but I'm not sure it can help you to deal with the 5 year old child inside of you. The reason you're doing it again is because you have unmet needs from the past and you're going to keep repeating this pattern until you somehow work through it.

I'm telling you this because I know how it is! I keep repeating my pattern from one T to another. It makes sense because I don't know how to satisfy those needs. They are NOT pathetic. Your 5 year old part is just that, a child. She wants what she wants. The adult part of you can learn how to comfort and satisfy that child. Did you do any of that kind of work with your previous T? I would suggest asking your new T how CBT is going to help you with this pattern--or won't it? I am in DBT, and it is helpful, so CBT probably can get at the twisted thinking you have about yourself, if your T is competent.

[Nerak67]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I know that CBT can help a lot with the way you think, but I'm not sure it can help you to deal with the 5 year old child inside of you. The reason you're doing it again is because you have unmet needs from the past and you're going to keep repeating this pattern until you somehow work through it.

I'm telling you this because I know how it is! I keep repeating my pattern from one T to another. It makes sense because I don't know how to satisfy those needs. They are NOT pathetic. Your 5 year old part is just that, a child. She wants what she wants. The adult part of you can learn how to comfort and satisfy that child. Did you do any of that kind of work with your previous T? I would suggest asking your new T how CBT is going to help you with this pattern--or won't it? I am in DBT, and it is helpful, so CBT probably can get at the twisted thinking you have about yourself, if your T is competent.

No, my old t did not handle the transference well. We never used it to work out any issues it just made her hostile and resentful of me.

I thought since I was aware if this dynamic this time I could keep myself from acting on it and just benefit from the cbt and enjoy the connection wih my t who seemed sincerely find of me. Now I think I've ruined that.

Thanks for your kind words.

[Syra]

It's a Ts job to deal with client neediness, in a compassionate and supportive way. You are entitled to feel needy, and you are entitled to have that be part of your therapy. You aren't the first, and won't be the last.

I'm wondering how you would do your therapy without dealing with the needy part, which would require it to present itself.

P.S. I have a really really needy part too.

[Nerak67]

Thanks. But this guy is really straight cbt and I see him specifically for social anxiety so it isn't like other therapy where you dive into all your childhood issues.

When we talk about my anxiety he even says he doesn't care what caused my anxiety in my childhood etc. he is just focused on how to deal with the thoughts now etc.

I guess I feel like I'm his only client who does any of this but maybe I am wrong. I'll see if he responds. I check my email every 2 minutes.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

Thanks. But this guy is really straight cbt and I see him specifically for social anxiety so it isn't like other therapy where you dive into all your childhood issues.

When we talk about my anxiety he even says he doesn't care what caused my anxiety in my childhood etc. he is just focused on how to deal with the thoughts now etc.

I guess I feel like I'm his only client who does any of this but maybe I am wrong. I'll see if he responds. I check my email every 2 minutes.

Totally understand the checking the email every 2 minutes!!

I understand he is straight CBT. And I imagine that influences how he deals with neediness in clients, but it's still his job to deal with it in a compassionate way. I'm sure you know that doesn't mean giving you everything you ask for or think you want. But it does mean compassion and support. not judgment or blame.

I want to say we've all been there. I don't know that that's true. I know I've been there.

[rainbow8]

Your adult anxiety may be related to the 5 year old needy child. Perhaps by doing work to relieve your anxiety, the child will feel more relaxed and less needy.

All Ts have basic training in psychology and counseling, so even if he's strictly CBT, he should be able to accept your neediness. You're anxious about being needy, so doesn't that fit in?

[Nerak67]

It's just hard because I totally alienated my last t with my neediness. She ended up hating me and I had to quit because she was just always angry at me. I really like the new guy and want him to keep liking me.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

It's just hard because I totally alienated my last t with my neediness. She ended up hating me and I had to quit because she was just always angry at me. I really like the new guy and want him to keep liking me.

I think your former T wasn't competent in dealing with your issues. Ts aren't supposed to hate their clients and be angry with them. Something was wrong there, and I don't think it was your fault at all. She should have worked with what was beneath your neediness and anger. SHE failed, not YOU. I hope this guy is better for you.

[unaluna]

I think it's good that it's leaking out in therapy and not IRL. My t would say, now bring it to session where we can deal with it. Remember I'm the nudnik that asks my t to marry me all the time. That's not too needy!! Much!

[ultramar]

I don't think there's anything needy or pathetic about sharing this with your therapist -at all. It sounds like you're feeling insecure about the relationship and need reassurance -par for the course.

I think not dealing with the relationship is like ignoring the elephant in the room and presumably most CBT therapists would address it to some extent or another. But I think the best place to do that is in session. The only problem here, as I see it, is not allowing a give and take between you and your therapist (and hearing tone, and seeing body language), in real time, moment to moment interaction, which I think would just be far more effective in, precisely, getting your needs met.

Maybe you can journal about these feelings to get them out, try to make sense of them, and then bring those feelings and thoughts into therapy, where they can be worked on.

I don't think you're acting like a 5 year old, or this is necessarily (though maybe) about a child not getting needs met (but I'm one who just doesn't think about it this way), I think this is you and your *current* needs. Your needs as a 5 year old were different in so many ways. Right now you need reassurance from your therapist and perhaps to share how vulnerable you're feeling within this relationship.

So I don't think there's anything wrong with your feelings or expressing them to your therapist --just better to do it during session, not necessarily because of 'boundaries' but because I think it would be more effective for you.

If you're having trouble feeling he's still 'there' between sessions and you feel you need some sort of reminder that he is, maybe you can share this with him and he can offer some suggestions as to how you can feel reassured of his caring about you between sessions. I've heard of people here leaving something of theirs in the therapist's office or taking something with them that signifies in some way the therapist's presence and care.

I wouldn't worry about him judging you for this, but it's definitely something to talk about -about how to get your needs met that would be most beneficial for you and would work within the parameters of this type of therapy.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

I totally ruined my relationship with my old t by becoming too needy. I swore I wasn't going to do it with my new t but here I go again. He really liked kee and told me how awesome I was told work with and now I've gone and blown it by becoming psycho again. I hate myself.

Hang on a second here... This is the whole point of having a T (versus a friend or something) is that you get to be psycho (short of intimidation or violence etc) and you get to be needy. You get to be awesome and likeable and childlike, sad, lonely and in pain. All of you is welcome. You shouldn't have to feel like you've blown it just because you've revealed a side of yourself that you for unattractive. If you can never reveal that part of you to your T, what's the point?

[Nerak67]

I wish I had found this site years ago because I wouldn't have wasted so much time with my old t. I was so attached that I thought everything was my fault because she was perfect. I didn't understand transference and she made me feel like how I was feeling was just me and not a common phenomenon to be used in therapy.

Now I am trying to hold on to new t by not doing anything to make me unlikeable and I'm afraid I did today my emailing something ungrateful. I told him I left my session feeling more hopeless than I did when I came in. He has been so great and kind and supportive and I had to be ungrateful. I told him I understand if he fires me but he hasn't responded.

[feralkittymom]

Now I am trying to hold on to new t by not doing anything to make me unlikeable and I'm afraid I did today my emailing something ungrateful. I told him I left my session feeling more hopeless than I did when I came in. He has been so great and kind and supportive and I had to be ungrateful. I told him I understand if he fires me but he hasn't responded.

I hope he responds with being pleased that you revealed a true part of yourself. What you've been holding out to him is like Winnicott's "false self." He wants to do therapy with the real self. Give him and yourself a chance.

[(JD)]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

It's just hard because I totally alienated my last t with my neediness. She ended up hating me and I had to quit because she was just always angry at me. I really like the new guy and want him to keep liking me.

You discussed this with your former T, her being angry at you all the time? This is highly unusual, imo.

Ts are trained to handle transference, but yes, there are boundaries. I'm sure a discussion about this with your current T will help you feel better.

[ultramar]

I don't think it's about if we deserve to get our needs met or if a therapist must fill/meet our needs: it's more about accepting and not being ashamed of our needs while at the same time learning *how* best to meet them. Sometimes it's necessary to learn more effective ways of getting our needs met, but this doesn't mean we should feel or be made to feel ashamed of those very needs. I think therapists' boundaries can feel shaming sometimes, but (except for the really sucky therapists) I think the point is to channel how we seek to get them met in healthier, and ultimately, more effective ways. I think it can seem sometimes that 'boundaries' = shame, but it doesn't have to be that way -sometimes that's just how we perceive/feel it.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

...not doing anything to make me unlikeable and I'm afraid I did today my emailing something ungrateful. I told him I left my session feeling more hopeless than I did when I came in. He has been so great and kind and supportive and I had to be ungrateful. I told him I understand if he fires me but he hasn't responded.

Heck - I told my T that a few times. Shouldn't be a biggee. And I've told him that I didn't like the last session. And I've walked out, very upset, without saying good-bye, or looking at him. I quit talking to him a couple times. Sometimes it means you are getting closer to the issues, and to healing (I know. It's a crazy system, having to go through the pain to heal).

[Nerak67]

My guess is he is not going to respond before my appointment on Wednesday. It is killing me. I didn't even sleep last night. It still blows my mind how crazy this stuff makes me. I am not going to contact him again although it is hard.

I'm not really afraid he'll fire me I guess I am most afraid that he is going to tighten his boundaries and just like me less. He used to tell me how awesome I was to work with and that meant so much to me. I don't know why that wasn't enough and I had to push it. I stink.

[stopdog]

This is just a suggestion - but if the therapist is helping you with self image/esteem/compassion - then perhaps this could be a time to practice that. Instead of all the "I stink" and so forth sorts of things you are writing on here, what if you tried instead to look at it differently and then focussed on not doing the thing rather than the beating up of yourself for having done it and almost, seemingly, dooming yourself to repetition. This is probably not easy, but the "I stink" think can come all too easy, and although it appears all tough and so forth, if it is a usual pattern, then it is more comfortable than focusing on the other parts. This is just my thought, it could be wrong.

[Nerak67]

Originally Posted by stopdog

This is just a suggestion - but if the therapist is helping you with self image/esteem/compassion - then perhaps this could be a time to practice that. Instead of all the "I stink" and so forth sorts of things you are writing on here, what if you tried instead to look at it differently and then focussed on not doing the thing rather than the beating up of yourself for having done it and almost, seemingly, dooming yourself to repetition. This is probably not easy, but the "I stink" think can come all too easy, and although it appears all tough and so forth, if it is a usual pattern, then it is more comfortable than focusing on the other parts. This is just my thought, it could be wrong.

Yes, it is a big issue that I am so harsh on myself. You are very right. I need to look at that more.

My t responded to an email about something more light hearted but made no mention of my main issue. I have noticed that he will respond to certain things but never to anything that just requires reassurance or comforting. I think there is some reason for that and it isn't just that he is cold. Maybe he doesn't want to reinforce the neediness. I'm not sure. We'll see what he says about Wednesday if I make it that long.

Anyway, thanks for all the replies to my little problem that I seem to make into a huge trauma.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

Yes, it is a big issue that I am so harsh on myself. You are very right. I need to look at that more.

My t responded to an email about something more light hearted but made no mention of my main issue. I have noticed that he will respond to certain things but never to anything that just requires reassurance or comforting. I think there is some reason for that and it isn't just that he is cold. Maybe he doesn't want to reinforce the neediness. I'm not sure. We'll see what he says about Wednesday if I make it that long.

Anyway, thanks for all the replies to my little problem that I seem to make into a huge trauma.

I doubt most therapists think in terms of 'neediness.' Again, it's not about removing one's needs from the equation, it's about how to get them met. Being straightforward about them, asking directly for what you need. Maybe he wants to tacitly (by not responding to that part of your e-mail) encourage you to seek reassurance in more effective ways --for example, by telling him, in session, straight out that you're feeling insecure about the relationship (if this is the case) and it's hard for you to maintain the belief/feeling that he cares. I think this could potentially lead to a very helpful discussion.

I think 'e-mail-reassurances' can sometimes lend themselves to platitudes (maybe comforting in the short-term, but unhelpful in the long-term) but a discussion in person can go far deeper, and end up being more satisfying, in a more lasting way. Maybe not entirely during the first conversation, or the second, but with time, you'll internalize him as you need to.