[Raging Quiet]

Me and my best friend both see the same t. My friend told me last week my T often gives her hugs and goes 40mins over time. Well, my T had only hugged me about 3 times in 6 years! (In last sessions when we had terminated in the past) my friend also told me she goes over by 40 minutes.

I've had a lot of issues with my T, as a few of you know; but this is making the last few sessions harder somehow. I just feel angry at my T that even though I've been going through crisis, she would never hug me... I understand clients have different needs, however, my best friend and I are so similar and I know the issues she brings are very similar to mine, we have a similar upbringing and we speak about our t sessions to each other.

Sorry, this post sounds weird, I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just need to terminate and get over this.

[Hope-Full]

First thing - I think you should bring it up with your T. My BFF saw my T long before I did, and had not seen her in over a year when I started with T. Shortly after I began, my friend started seeing T again (it was brief, though) and when something came up with me and my friend, I was hesitant to bring it up to T. T reassured me that she will handle anything that she needs to herself, and that I can talk about anyone or anything I need to during my session - it will always remain confidential. That really helped me be able to open up a little more (I had only been seeing T for about a year at that time.)

Second..... I often use this with my students: Fair is not always equal and equal is not always fair. There really are few hard fast rules that apply to EVERY single person. Might there be good reason T hasn't hugged you in the past? Have you flat out asked for more hugs? Has T ever gone over with you before? (By the way, a T who regularly goes over by more than 5-10 minutes would be a HUGE red flag for me.) Could your friend be exaggerating because for whatever reason, she needs to have a "better" relationship with T than you do? or at least make you feel that way?

Heck, I don't even treat my own three children equally. They are their own individuals, with their own needs, personalities, quirks, issues, sense of humor, etc.

You really don't know what goes on between your T and your friend, no matter how much she tells you. Her relationship with HER T is very unique to your relationship with YOUR T. Try to think of those relationships as completely separate, because that is exactly what they are.

I'm sure T can answer your concerns. Based on her answers you can than decide whether to move on to another or not.
Sounds like your friend maybe trying to triangulate the situation.

[Favorite Jeans]

Somebody recently started a thread about wouldn't it be funny if some of us on this forum were seeing the same T. And this is exactly why I wouldn't want to know... I empathize with you RQ. It would eat me up to learn that my T regularly gave another client an extra 40 minutes and hugs at every session! I would feel completely awful. I don't have any advice here, I think everyone else has said it all.

[A Red Panda]

I don't really understand why you and your friend always need to talk about the specifics of your T. It's like the two of you are making things somehow a competition for your T's attention and affection?

Like Hope-Full said: fair is not always equal and equal isn't always fair.

If I treated all of my students equally, then they would all spend the exact same amount of time with me getting the exact same kind of help. That isn't fair because not all of my students need assistance, and they do not all need the same kind of assistance.

When I treat all of my students fairly, then those who are needing my help can get that help in the manner which they need it - for some this is just encourage, others they need help understand concepts, some need me to help them scribe, others need me to challenge them to think beyond assignments. I am treating them all fairly, but not equally - some students will end up having a lot more of my time per day. Yet, I want each of them to succeed and to feel good about trying their best.

[Raging Quiet]

I trust my friend is telling me the truth, I understand relationships are different.

Honestly, I just don't believe in therapy anymore.

This is the same t who went on holiday and didn't tell me and told me its my fault I can't have children etc. I suppose it just confirms to me that my t likes my friend more as she's prepared to stretch the boundaries so much. I am fed up of people screwing me over, I pay her for support and she's not doing that.

[anilam]

Yep, another great reason for you to end this T- I don't mean her treating your friend differently but you two having the same T. I think it's best not to share T with s.o. you know and if this can't be helped talking about it is not that helpful.
Going 40 min over regularly sounds unprofessional- but yet again your T wasn't that great with boundaries even with you so why expect her to stick to them with other clients?

More generally, I believe every T-client RS is unique- every client needs T to treat them a bit differently. My T "shares" my dark humour- is he joking with others? Guess, no. Some clients would be offended. Is he doing this just to help me out? Probably.
All and all I believe Ts react differently to each client- hopefully providing them with the best possible therapy for them.

BTW, I love Hope-full's Fair is not always equal and equal is not always fair.

[Webgoji]

I wish they did actually. Self-control and pain are not necessarily exclusive and just because I can speak logically and talk though things in therapy doesn't mean that I should be cut short for the hysterical person. I may be in a much worse place mentally, I'm just more capable of handling it.

It basically took me reaching a complete breakdown point of not getting out of bed before they took me seriously. Kind of like the medical doctor, just because I have a higher pain tolerance doesn't mean my injury is any less severe than the next person.

[tealBumblebee]

I agree with the majority of the answers above. Every client can not be treated the same because every client will not respond the same nor is every action beneficial to each client. My T has told me that she has more "loose boundaries" (my phrase, not hers; but in summary she shares more personal details with me, is less on guard, encourages email, etc.) than she does with some of her other clients. That pretty much suggests that she doesn't treat them all the same, but I do believe she (and hopefully your T) treats them all the best way she knows how in order to get the best possible results.

It does sound like you have some underlying issues already with T, so perhaps a change is in order anyways - and this thing with your friends relationship with T vs. yours is simply fuel to the fire.

I get the whole telling your friend everything, because when I first started I did as well, but I think that the more intimate the relationship with T and more effective it is (for me at least) the more personal and exclusive the details of our interaction become. Maybe neither or you are truly at that level yet.

[Rive.]

Equally? Not really. I'd expect them (T) to be fair & to express a certain degree of consistency in terms of their relationship with me. It is hard to generalise because each protagonist brings different, highly individualised, characteristics to the table but a lot is also a matter of (subjective) perception.

However, seeing how your T has been behaving with you... would you really like them to hug you etc.? I would find this inconsistency more confusing tbh. If this relationship is not beneficial to you, you'd be better off with someone else who doesn't make you feel bad and who is, foremost, on your side.

Originally Posted by Raging Quiet

I trust my friend is telling me the truth, I understand relationships are different.

Honestly, I just don't believe in therapy anymore.

This is the same t who went on holiday and didn't tell me and told me its my fault I can't have children etc. I suppose it just confirms to me that my t likes my friend more as she's prepared to stretch the boundaries so much. I am fed up of people screwing me over, I pay her for support and she's not doing that.

A proffessional therapist would have no need to just tell someone something like 'it's your fault you can't have children'. Sounds more like a quack.
Seriously, why do you think your T would have said what you've reported here? What's the gain for them?

[tinyrabbit]

I would expect a T to be equally dedicated to fulfilling the different and varied needs of his/her different and varied clients.

I'm not sure I buy the claim that your T goes over by 40 mins. Could your friend be exaggerating?

[stopdog]

The very first therapist I ever saw a long time ago would regularly go over by 30-60 minutes if no one else had an appointment following the one I had. I have no idea what she did with other clients.

[Raging Quiet]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

I would expect a T to be equally dedicated to fulfilling the different and varied needs of his/her different and varied clients.

I'm not sure I buy the claim that your T goes over by 40 mins. Could your friend be exaggerating?

T always run over, but never by that much with me. I trust my friend was telling me the truth as she was upset as she finished around 9pm and had to walk home past all the nightclubs and pubs which she hates.

[Nerak67]

All clients have such vastly different issues and needs that there is no was they should be treated the same. It sounds like your friend is the last appointment of the day t can afford to go over. I would be very jealous too though. It wouldn't be good at all for to concretely know what t is doing for others. I am jealous just of what I imagine!

[scorpiosis37]

I agree that a T should treat different clients according to their different needs. However, I think a T regularly going over time is unprofessional. I think that all clients who pay X should get the same length of session for that payment. I think that is a boundary that needs to be maintained. This may be extended on very rare circumstances when a client is in crisis, but as a general rule, I think X dollars should mean a session of X length. Things like hugs, emails, amount of help vs tough love, etc can all be negotiated on a client to client basis.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I'd avoid this therapist like the plague for a bundle of reasons. The only actually damaging "therapist" (conman) I saw ran over by 90 mins sometimes his boundaries were horrendous. Thankfully, I realized something was off after three sessions and quit.

In answer to the original question - nope. Each individual has different needs. I get the sense that my therapist can pretty deftly chameleonify (made a new word!) herself a bit to respond and attune to whatever her clients need to build rapport and a good relationship.

[learning1]

I can understand why it would make you feel bad if your therapist is doing those things for your friend and not for you. However, since several people and you said there were already bad enough problems with the therapist that you're intending to leave, I think you're probably better off without those things from this therapist. It also sounds like your therapist was extremely careless about your friend's situation if your friend was forced to walk home in a dangerous area at night because the therapist ran over. from the way you wrote about it, it sounded like it would not have been your friend's preference to go 40 minutes late. Did I understand that right? What does your friend think about the therapist?

[blur]

RQ, I don't think the problem is with therapy so much as your specific T. Although there are other places & ways to find healing too.

[content30]

My T has actually used the phrase that hope-full used: "What's fair isn't always equal, and what's equal isn't always fair." It might not be the best idea for you and your best friend to see the same T. Anyway, I'm sure my T had done more for other clients than me, and I know that she has done things for me that she has not done for other clients. I know that I don't treat everyone the same in my job. All people are different, and all situations are different. I will also agree, though, that going over by 40 minutes is odd and a lot to me.