Processing T interaction

I'm sorry but I think your T is way out of line. This isn't about accepting her for who she is. It's about whether or not you accept behaviour that is inconsiderate and unnecessary - she can't help fiddling with the phone if it's within her reach, but she can move it out of her reach - and about whether or not she shows you some basic courtesy and consideration. It is completely b.s. to say you should just accept people as they are, because what if their treatment of you is unacceptable? Why should you accept and tolerate inconsiderate behaviour from your T? Therapy is potentially a model for improving or changing your relational patterns, so teaching you that you should just accept her as she is - rather than recognising that she could be in the wrong - is really bad. As others have said, run.

Because what she is telling you is that if, in your real life, someone repeatedly does something inconsiderate, your reactions are your fault and you should work to modify them and not expect the other person to change their behaviour. Seriously, run.

She needs to move the phone. I don't understand why she won't. Why is she being so resistant and defensive? But it's not your problem to find out. You shouldn't have to.

Right - and your T is teaching you that, in the future, you should reason yourself out of your own very reasonable feelings. To reiterate: RUN AWAY NOW!

It's not the fact that she plays with the phone that is at issue now. It's her attitude toward a reasonable request that she ****ing PAY ATTENTION the way she is supposed to. Her blaming you for the fact that it distracts you and that it bothers you that she is unwilling to stop when she is supposed to be ****ing PAYING ATTENTION anyway is a giant red flag. Blaming you or saying that you need to get over being bothered by this is simply unacceptable (to me, in my opinion, others' opinions may differ).

The t did say she would not move the phone, but she would try not to touch it. I don't really see anything wrong with their last conversation about it. Are people reading everything here the OP at least is writing?

I think if the therapist's habits or attitude annoy a client, the client can find one who won't. If the therapist tells a client not everyone will do as the client requests, the client can respond that they will find a therapist who will work reasonable requests, and then do so.

I am reading what the OP writes.

Are you saying that's okay? In my opinion, it's really not...

I think I know where you all are coming from? To walk away from an abuser. I endorse that. I live that. But I'm not sure this rises to that level. The whole thing of what the t said is sooooooo shrinky, it's like straight from a book, so that kinda bugs me too, it's almost too perfect. But its good, its valid. But the OP admits they are/were working on her feeling dismissed BEFORE this issue came up, or while. I'm saying don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. It feels like you guys are saying, this is 90/10 - 90% against the t, while I think it's 30/70 - only 30% a t problem. If she starts getting really OCD with it, then yeah. But no, not because the OP asked. A t does need their phone next to them for emergencies, I think. Since cell phones arrived on the scene, my ts have had theirs. Am I missing something?

T did say she would try not to touch the phone so we'll see next session. During yesterday's session she fidgeted with the phone but discussing it took the entire 45 minutes since the conversation was intermixed with the usual "how does this make you feel", "how does this translate to RL", "what's your history with this".

My thoughts on why I feel dismissed are in-line with what TinyRabbit wrote and why I have an issue of purely saying "okay" and moving on from this. Is it a power struggle as Hankster suggests, probably, but I don't know how to see my “wrong” in the situation. My wrong could be that I’m not willing to drop it therefore the power struggle is created. I don't need to be "right" though, that isn't my end goal. I’m open to alternate perspectives and learning, hence my question on PC.

I feel dismissed because I was very clear and proactive with addressing this and stating what I needed to resolve. I wasn’t passive, didn’t pout or take an aggressive approach. Some of us are in therapy because as children our thoughts and feelings were dismissed, we weren’t able to express what we wanted and have that need met. So here is an opportunity for me to learn that needs can be met when asking, in a healthy way, for what I want yet T is using this as the opposite, she’s asking me to keep “taking” the negative behavior I’ve been on the receiving end of for years. To accept that my wants aren’t as important or valid as the other persons and it’s okay to be treated that way. For no known reason my request is being dismissed and not taken seriously. Of course I’m going to internalize this as something is wrong with me, I’m not worth making a change for. I’m working on how I can change that faulty thinking.

During a session? Really? My T wouldn't hear his phone if there was an emergency during my session.

My t does take calls sometimes. But he will say at the beginning of the session that he is expecting it. It's pretty rare. Plus, I'm the fidgeter, not t. He seems to have incredible self-control. I'm a pen-clicker, which may be why I'm on the side of the fidgeter. I had my phone out yesterday (I was showing him pictures of my drawers - with the new pulls i installed, not THOSE drawers!) and when we went to get up, t dashed to pick it out of my lap before it fell down, whereas I had forgotten all about it. I wonder if it had been distracting him all session?? That would be justice, wouldn't it? I was just surprised that I didnt flinch as he grabbed for my crotch - that is trust! Or narcolepsy.

Mm. This is why I have such a problem with it. There isn't something wrong with you, you are worth making a change for - but that's not the message you're getting from your T. Not because your worries are right, but because your T is putting herself, her needs and her boundaries first and not seeing you.

So I don't think it's the case that this "proves" you right, though you may feel like that. I think your T is behaving badly and it's not about you.

But it's your session, not your T's. Interesting that he takes calls. If mine did, I think we'd have a year-long rupture...

I think why this raises a red flag for me is because her behavior is aberrant. Her attention should be focused upon you--that's a therapy norm. Then her saying that she'll "try" to not touch it, but will not put it out of sight, is an indication that it is a behavior that she knows is aberrant--but she won't own that, and instead, masks it at your expense.

Making unreasonable demands about T behavior that falls within therapy norms should be questioned. If a T sits quietly with crossed legs, and you were to try to insist she uncross her legs because your Mother used to sit that way and it bothers you--that is a request that should be explored, not accommodated, at least not automatically, because it falls within therapy norms. But her phone behavior is violating the norm, and if it were you engaging in the behavior, your T would be right to challenge it. The power play aspect of the masking is what makes this feel dishonest to me.

Honestly JJ, I would love to see you copy and paste FKM's post into an email to your T or print it out and take to the next session with you. I think she articulates the real issue very well.

I also think FKM's post is spot on.

I think fidgeting with specifically a phone is the issue. It is unprofessional and disrespectful to make calls, answer calls, or text while seeing a client, and holding your phone makes it seem like she's on the verge of doing that and that therefore she is not fully present with her client. It's as though she's itching to communicate with someone else the whole time. Which is terrible because one goes to get an hour of undivided attention.

Fidgeting with a random item would be annoying I think, but probably tolerable.

I don't think your request that she put it down is at all unreasonable or excessively controlling.

What is MOST worrisome to me is the way she at first welcomed your feedback and commended you for making it and later was snippy, suggested that you were controlling and acted like the problem was yours to deal with. And she didn't even acknowledge the fact that she had changed her mind about the issue. That is crazy making. And, to my mind, absolutely not okay.

https://www.creativetherapystore.com...-Therapy/TGL-1

Somebody here once recommended a tangle therapy toy. They are pretty cool.