[trdleblue]

Trigger Warning - talk about sui and si



Right now I really do feel like I'm climbing a mountain that I've created with no means to move up, and almost an urge to let myself fall down. The little glimmer of hope that I've been working with is gone, and I don't know what to do. I want to make it clear that I would never actually do anything to myself, but the thoughts that I have of not wanting to exist anymore have gotten much more frequent. I'm also starting to worry myself about si. It's been over a month since I've done it, but the urge the last couple of days has been quite strong. I have been able to fight it, but what scares me is that I want to do it in a much more damaging way. (Sorry if this is vague, but I don't want to be graphic about it.) I mentioned some of this to my t, and he wants to see me twice a week for a while now. I guess I'm going to, but there is a voice in my head that is asking me what's the point? I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for here, except maybe how to overcome hopelessness, especially when life circumstances aren't going to change anytime soon.

[feralkittymom]

I'm sorry you're in turmoil, but it sounds like your T is responding. I think most of us experienced peaks in instability at times. Perhaps something to remember is that they are temporary and do end. My T used to describe them as periods of transition when the self is "defragging" in order to gain coherence. The old foundations and protections seem to disappear at these times, but new and healthier structures are taking their place. Try to be patient and reach out--my T used to refer to those times as the best times to use him by borrowing his ego strength to see me through.

trdleblue, I empathize so much with that feeling like this is just what IS and there's not much point in continuing to try. When that happened for me about a month and a half ago, it was followed shortly after by a HUGE shift for me in therapy and in my life. My T hung in there with me in trying to keep moving and working past it, and suddenly I feel like I am making dramatic strides. This may just be your defense mechanisms kicking in trying to prevent that next, painful but necessary step in therapy. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best for you.

[trdleblue]

Thank you feralkittymom and MKAC for your replies. It would be great if the stuff going on with me is just a precursor to some sort of transition. Unfortunately my brain is having trouble believing that. Right now I'm so exhausted from just trying to keep things manageable. I really do want to see things for what they really are, and not have any filters skewing what I see, but it can be hard to know what to believe. Even since I saw my t yesterday, I've had this constant feeling that I can't trust him. Logically I know that there is no reason for me to have a change in how I trust him, but that doesn't make the feeling go away. MKAC - I guess it might make sense with what you say about my defense mechanisms kicking in, but what if my defense mechanisms are too strong? How do I fight them and how do I fight my urge to hide how I am feeling, and how do I fight the urge to just give up on trying? I hope that what I'm saying is at least somewhat coherent.

trdleblue, truly I did a lot of emotional thrashing around. I wanted to quit, it was stupid, it was pointless, my T was just being nice because I pay him to be, the whole relationship ends anyway so why should I invest any effort, this is just how my life is, and on and on and on. I fought all of that by reaching out a friend who I knew would be supportive of me and understand how I was feeling, all the while urging me to keep moving forward and keep trying. I also made an effort to be really honest with T about where I was and what was happening with me. I have emailed him more in the last month and a half than I did in the entire rest of the three years I have seen him. I fought the urge by telling him about the urge and asking him to help me and keep reassuring me that there is a point in going through this crap over and over.

[Abby]

I'm in this position too. I feel for you! It is completely exhausting. I would continue to talk to your therapist; that is difficult when it is hard to trust but I hope you can continue to try. I wouldn't hide how you are feeling from him, honestly I can't count the amount of time I've told my therapist how suicidal I am and how I plan to end it if there isn't a change by a specific point (because I'm of the belief at that point it will be more understandable to everyone around me). It helps to talk about these huge thoughts and feelings. I think they are pretty understandable when someone is in a lot of pain. Of course there is that line between the thoughts and the actions - but that is where your therapist may be able to help - in either identifying it or de-escalating the feelings before they are over-whelming. It helps me to tell someone that things truly are that black, I want just one person to know. That's why I write on here sometimes, just so someone knows. Take care of yourself, it is hard struggling uphill.