Do you want to be like your T?

No, I don't think so. I mean there are things I'd like to have that she has - she has a dog, I really love dogs and had them growing up, but my lifestyle now doesn't suit a dog's needs- but hope I can have one again one day though. But I don't want to be her. I'm too lazy to try to be someone else.

I don't want to be like my T, but this is probably more to do with the fact that my T doesn't self-disclose much. So I don't really know about things he does with his time outside of T. I do feel like we have things in common as far as our personalities go (to some degree lol) and I like those things. He says he cares about me so I guess that counts for something. I think I'm a caring person and if he cares, then that would be something we have in common.

There are certainly a lot of things i admire about my T, and would love to do the things that she does. but i know that her ability to do those things has come through having had her own therapy to build her own confidence and self-assurance.
In that way, yes i want to be like my T. But i want to be my own version of her..if that makes sense?

Rainbow- Do you have any other people that you can look at IRL that have qualities you admire? Perhaps your T is the only person to have a positive influence in your life, therefore you want to be like her, because being around her makes you feel good?

Rainbow - I have definitely felt this way. At times, I want to be just like T, or at least how I imagine T to be. I want to have her "perfect" life, I want to be as kind and caring as she is, I want to like the things she likes, I want to be motivated like she is, to be comfortable with myself. I recognize that I idolize her and that it isn't the healthiest, but that's where I am right now. I think identifying it and describing it is helpful.
I don't have a really good sense of self, so I think that's part of why I'm looking for others to emulate. It's really hard to create "me," but something I do want to work on.
Thanks for bringing this topic up, Rainbow.

(((((((((( rainbow ))))))))))

Interesting thread. I envy my T in some ways, because he has done so much work on his own issues, he doesn't wish he was someone else, and he feels his wounds but doesn't wish he didn't have them - I want to get to that stage, too. (T seems to think it's possible. I don't believe him, not yet.)

I think that, if I had a female T, I might feel like I was competing with her - because I have a lot of issues with envy and comparison as they feed into my habit of fantasising and inventing different lives in my head. But I don't feel I want to be like my T, as we're quite different in a lot of ways. I asked if he reads a broadsheet newspaper that I, my husband and a lot of my friends read, and I was really irritated when he said no.

I have these issues more with friends than with my T. So Rainbow I do totally empathise with you, as I feel this, just not in therapy so much.

Also, Rainbow I'm wondering if you think: if I do x and x that T does, I will feel x and x that T feels. Do you think that, if you are more like her, you will feel more like her? Sorry if it's not okay to ask that.

My T has a hobby that I wouldn't be interested in. But we do share one hobby - we both play the guitar. I didn't know that for ages because I talked about playing guitar and my T didn't say: "Me too." But then one day I asked if he was left or right-handed and he said right, but the left is quite dextrous too because he plays the guitar. I liked the fact he let it be my thing when I first told him and didn't feel the need to say he also played.

I have been wondering if this is just with therapists or if it would arise in other areas?

For me, it arises in other areas, and not with T. (I would like to be like colleague X or friend Z, who are smart and successful and/or get lots of sex, or whatever.)

Yes, I would love to be like my t. Sometimes I get jealous of her but then I see that she too has struggles and issues and she is just human. This problem arises in other areas for me too. In school, college, work wherever there is strong female women around and in particular with ts though.

my T is a smart sophisticated woman who dresses well and speaks well, and so forth. I don't really feel that I can emulate these qualities.

My T seems to be confident and secure in who he is and his value as a human being. That is something that I would like to be able to achieve at some point.

I also did take up gardening because T is very passionate about gardening- he grows much of his own food. It was enjoyable and it was very good for me to get outside and play in the dirt and nurture my plants. The tricky thing is that I ended up gardening for T in a way as a way to show him that I was doing something that he liked to do. I think it was about trying to gain his approval in my case rather than as a way to be like him. If my plants didn't thrive my focus became about how I was disappointing and failing T because I wasn't a good enough gardener, rather than about my own disappointment that I wasn't having success with my garden.