[maggyjo]

I have been seeing a T for about 2 years now and I wonder if I am just making things worse. What I want is someone to mother me. I want so bad for T to just hold my hand(T is no touch). I want my T to love me and take care of me. Each session seems to give me just a tiny tiny taste and leave me longing for so much more. I sometimes wonder if I am better off without T. Any suggestions?

Maggyjo

[jacq10]

(((((Maggy)))))

I understand what you are saying about wanting someone to mother you, honest I do. Unfortunately, that's not the role of your T. Your T is there to help you work through and process those feelings, but not to be your mother. Have you talked to her about how you feel? That can be very therapeutic. If you have, and nothing seems to have resolved, it might be worth looking for another T. I know that might be hard to hear, but if your feelings toward your current T are holding you back from working on things, then it indeed might not be very helpful.

Hugs,
Jacq

[Rzay4]

I can completely relate to your situation and agree with jac10 your T is not your mother.

I have formed a close friendship with an RN at my PHP program, I check in with her daily. She calls me love and Hun. Her voice is so soothing. When I got upset I ran to her office rather to my case manager whom is a male. She calmed me down faster than he could.

I worry what will happen after the program but I'm not even halfway there so it doesn't cross my mind too much.

Good luck and be sure to update.

[Asiablue]

What i'm about to say is going to hurt but you are never going to get those particular needs met by your T or any therapist. Even if you move to a therapist who does hold your hand or hug... they still can never be your mother, they can never look after you outside of therapeutic relationship. Than yearning you have is perfectly natural and understandable if you've never had adequate mothering, however you are chasing a dream that you'll never get, definitely not from a therapist. The reason that need is getting worse instead of better in therapy is because you are continuing to to chap on a door that will never be opened to you. Your inner child feels like it's constantly asking mommy to hug her and getting denied.
The only way forward is to face the grief that you need to do over what you didn't get in childhood and the acceptance that the time for a "mommy" is over, you didn't get it, and there are no "do-overs" in adulthood and that hurts- a lot!

If you can get to that place where you realise no other adult can meet the young needs you have inside and that you got neglected as a child then you can begin to grieve for it, grieve for yourself, and eventually find acceptance and then peace.

I'm just at the beginning of that journey, for all my life i've looked for someone to look after me because it meant i could avoid facing up to the true cost of not getting remotely good enough mothering. And the cost is massive, overwhelmingly so. I've wanted to accept that i no longer am of the age where people will want to mother me, there is no "other mother", only the one i had who did a piss-poor job of it. But in constantly looking for someone to be my mom, i was delaying healing. Avoiding the heartbreak that is to come. And it was really hurting me. It's only in the past month that something really clicked in me and i realised i had to quit the dream of finding a new mother and start doing it for myself and surprisingly i've found some peace in that acceptance. Now starts the grief work.

Sorry for the essay, i hope it's of some help.

[anilam]

Apart from reparenting- which is stg I'd never expose myself to- no T can give you the mothering you so badly crave.
As AsiaBlue pointed out talking about it and grieving it might help you. Otherwise I don't think there's a point of going back- you are getting hurt by every session.
You didn't get the mothering you needed but there are so many great things you still can get from life.

[tinyrabbit]

I think Asia is right that a T can't ultimately meet those needs - as my T explained it to me, he can do things that symbolise meeting those needs, but don't actually fill the gap left by them not having been fulfilled. However, I would hope your T would help you deal with those feelings.

Mine has been working on helping me understand that I can't catch up, but I can grieve my losses, when I'm ready to, and move on. If you're spending every session in a state of unbearable misery, one of two things is happening: either your T isn't helping you, or you're not asking for the help you need.

A no-touch therapist isn't right for everyone. It isn't wrong for everyone. My T does hold my hand when I ask, but I also have strict mental boundaries in place with myself - while I see him as some kind of parental figure, I have banned myself from fantasising about him being my actual parent, as then the reality of the therapeutic relationship will seem like a poor second choice.

Have you talked to your T about any of this?

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by jacq10

(((((Maggy)))))

I understand what you are saying about wanting someone to mother you, honest I do. Unfortunately, that's not the role of your T. Your T is there to help you work through and process those feelings, but not to be your mother. Have you talked to her about how you feel? That can be very therapeutic. If you have, and nothing seems to have resolved, it might be worth looking for another T. I know that might be hard to hear, but if your feelings toward your current T are holding you back from working on things, then it indeed might not be very helpful.

Hugs,
Jacq

I disagree. To some extent it [I]is[\I] your T's job to mother you. Of course as you already know, she can't mother you in all the ways you want to be mothered. But she is supposed to give you that unconditional positive regard, the secure attachment, the place to be your small vulnerable self and have it honoured. That includes honouring your sadness that she can't be your mother in all the other ways you'd like. And she must be very gentle with those feelings because it is tragic for you that you missed out on something very crucial early on.

I think Jacq & Tiny Rabbit are onto something: maybe you need to be clearer about your needs and feelings. If you have been clear and she won't work with you on that level, it might be worth considering getting another T. Not becuse your feelings for her are holding you back but rather because her unwillingness to engage with you is.

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

But she is supposed to give you that unconditional positive regard, the secure attachment, the place to be your small vulnerable self and have it honoured.

You are correct, this is ideally what she is suppose to provide... but this is very different than being your mother. A mother loves you, places the needs of her children before her own (part of this is encompassed in therapy, but not to the same extent), and is a part of who you are as a person (for better or worse).

I think it's important to draw the distinction between a helpful, caring, and supportive therapeutic relationship and one that occurs naturally (i.e., does not have a formality or business-quality to it).

I truly wish that you could get what you need from your T ... I know I crave the same things... but the real healing won't happen unless you can take what you learn in therapy, and apply it to your relationships IRL. It's easy to become "stuck" on the idea that your T is the answer.

[rainbow8]

I relate to all of the posts in this thread. I intellectually know that my T is not the answer, and that asking her to meet my unmet needs is futile, yet I still hold onto some irrational wish that she can give me what I missed. For about a year, when she let me hold her hand, I felt like I was getting some of that. It felt wonderful. Then she decided it wasn't helping me, so she stopped.

I don't know if that was the right decision on her part or not because it hurt me so much. But knowing that T is not the answer, it makes sense that she didn't want me to rely on her to make me feel good. She still makes me feel good, but in a more therapeutic way that focuses on my real life outside of her office.

Maggyjo, it's really hard when therapy gives us a taste of what we missed. We want more and more of the "good stuff" our T gives us. If you haven't discussed what you posted here, with your T, I would suggest doing so. Sometimes changing Ts is the answer, but sometimes, like in my case, the pattern transfers from one T to another. I hope that your T will have some suggestions for you.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by jacq10

You are correct, this is ideally what she is suppose to provide... but this is very different than being your mother. A mother loves you, places the needs of her children before her own (part of this is encompassed in therapy, but not to the same extent), and is a part of who you are as a person (for better or worse).

I think it's important to draw the distinction between a helpful, caring, and supportive therapeutic relationship and one that occurs naturally (i.e., does not have a formality or business-quality to it).

I don't know if I'm going to explain this very well, but I think that, while the T relationship doesn't occur "naturally", your T does need to fulfill certain needs during the therapy hour. In that time and space, your needs come first, because it's your time and your space.

So the question is: is your T fulfilling the needs you can expect to have fulfilled in that room? Listening to you, accepting you, showing you unconditional positive regard? Is your T giving you those things?

[feralkittymom]

I think that the terminology used often gets in the way of talking about this issue. People have very strong feelings about words like Mother, Father, Love. I tend to try to think past the words to the core feeling. The fact that your T isn't your mother, and never can be, doesn't necessarily mean that she can't have motherly feelings for you, and you for her. What you both do with these feelings is what's important to determine. If she is willing to engage with those feelings and you are willing to accept rather than fight against them, it can be a very healing experience.

Where I think the difficulty comes in is when the T either doesn't have those feelings or has them and is uncomfortable working with them; or when the client has them, but denies them, and fights to "get past them" rather than getting through them.

I had those feelings as did my T (paternal rather than maternal) and was fortunate enough to have a T who was knowledgeable, secure in his boundaries, and adept at engaging with transference and counter transference. It took me a long time to stop fighting it and risk allowing myself to be that vulnerable, but it was probably the single most important aspect of my therapy. He was able to help me experience fully and then resolve the transference.

Of course, you cannot control the counter transference, if there is one. But if the T is well-versed in working with transference, I think there is much to be gained by pursuing the emotional experience. Once fully resolved, you will no longer feel the compelling need to be mothered, yet you will be able to accept such feelings where offered.