People don't really do that!

T and I talked about my inhibitions and shame about my body. We both agreed I still see myself as about 14 or 15 when I learned about the "birds and the bees," as we used to call it. I didn't think people really did that! Of course I'm an adult now and have children, so I know differently, but somehow I'm still stuck there. I don't mean I didn't learn when I was younger, but I didn't get the whole picture until I was a teenager.

On the other hand, I want to feel good and want to be satisfied. We talked about my RL, not about her, and it was embarrassing. She offered suggestions and I told her why they won't work. Then she said "you have choices" which upset me. She always tells me that. Today I said "I'm not you. I'm not independent and I'm not getting a divorce!"

It was a difficult session.

Is there a possibility for any middle ground between remaining dissatisfied and getting divorced? Would couples therapy be an option? Or (I am polyamorous, so just throwing this out there and I certainly don't mean to offend in case you find the suggestion immoral) perhaps discussing an open marriage might be an idea?

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree, but your h is out of the house a lot in the evening, right? So you could have your me-time without any problem. We're old, it's starting to take less to satisfy us, imo!

I suspect your T was NOT suggesting you get a divorce. I don't think good T's will offer advice. What I think is that she was pointing out to you that there ARE choices and it's YOUR decision which choices to make. When you're conscious that what you're doing is by choice, you can feel more empowered.

Of course, many times, as I've experienced, our fears or other emotions 'guide' our choices, for better or for worse. That's the goal of therapy, I think, is to become very conscious of unconscious actions/reactions and thereby, hopefully, gaining that empowerment we seek.

Would you like to be independent? (removing the divorce from the equation)

You don't have to be divorced/single to be independent Rainbow. Why do you have to stay dependent? What is stopping you from being independent?

rain, hasn't your H said he is willing to see your T with you? i think you've said he isn't interested in couples counseling though.

I understand your younger teenager feelings, I went through that. I would make friends with that aspect of you and work with her (and yourself :-) to explore options between her attitude and having had children. There is a lot in between there that it sounds like you may have missed in some ways. You have a husband, I would teach myself to play around with him/his body, not necessarily for his sake but at your whim. I believe female sexuality is richer than male but the male can feel stronger so we forget the tactile and sensuous female gifts, go straight for the act like they want?

As my T has explained to me, there can be parts of a personality that just don't fully develop (like your part that still views yourself as a young teen when it comes to "body stuff"). Usually, it means that we missed some part of our own development as we were growing up. It's not too late to develop that part, though. For myself, I feel like I went from kid to adult without any of the typical teenage stuff. So, my T often says that I need to actually experience my teenage years in some way...not sure how to do that as a nearly 40 year old woman, but we've come up with some ideas.

I think, when your T said you have choices, she wasn't necessarily referring to divorce, but that you have options in general. You said she offered some ideas and you gave reasons why they wouldn't work. Could you maybe, instead, think about why they might work? What parts of them might work? Could you cobble together something from the suggestions she gave that would be a viable option for you. You DO have choices, even if that choice is to stay in your marriage, to remain dependent, and to remain embarrassed. There's nothing that says you HAVE TO change. That is a choice only you can make, and only if you want to. Choice does not mean change. Choice means that you choose whether or not to change and if that first choice is to change, then you choose how to implement those changes.

I learned about the birds and the bees before I was 5 years old through being sexually abused. sometimes I go through where I feel like I am stuck at different ages..

sometimes I feel like Im that 10 year old child that got lost in the mines after being abused. one day I was with my therapist and I looked at her and said I know Im an adult and Im sitting here with you, in your office, in the city, Im not a 10 year old child lost in the mine shafts, but I sure feel that way right now.

she smiled at me and said..."you're in touch with your inner child, everyone has times when they feel like they are the child they used to be and what happened to them at that age, its called being in touch with your inner child. tell me what does this inner child you need at this moment?" I told her I needed to get out of this maze like mine shaft. She looked at me and said lets see if we can do that.. think about our conversation, is there anything about what we talked about that made you feel lost and stuck in a maze of problems. there was. what we talked about had taken us down many paths that opened up another problem or what I felt was a dead end wall.

she asked me to write them all down and see if seeing them on paper helps to clear a path out of the maze I was stuck in. As we did this she would make suggestions and I would write them down too. at first I after each one I would write why that wouldnt work and cross it off. until finally we had exhausted every possible thing..

she looked at me and said..hmmmmm I wonder a few things...

the first is obvious...you effectively wrote off each option...I wonder if you are so stuck in the problem that your mind refuses to see the unlocked doors?

second if so I wonder how not going through any of these unlocked doors will benefit you?

and third...since our unlocked doors that we found together dont work, I wonder if you would be willing to take this idea home with you and see what you can come up with on your own. sometimes it takes actually being in the problem that jogs the brain into finding that spontaneous solution that will work. you know what wont work and you know what you dont want to do, maybe in the fire it will come to you what you can and want to do.

she was right. I went to work the next day and the problem came up that I had discussed with my therapist. and right there in the midst of the problem I pulled out my notebook and wrote what my inner child needed at that moment to get out of the maze.

you know you dont want to get a divorce, ok thats one unlocked door. you know you are not like your therapist so you cant/ dont want to do what she would do in your situation.. so now its time to find what doors you can unlock on your own....thats not saying you have to walk through those unlocked doors. just locate them. walking through will come later when you have figured out which door works best for you.

maybe you can give this a try...when you are right in the midst of the problem.. take time out to write down how your inner child is feeling and what you think will help that inner child you.

I was gone most of yesterday and last night too, so I decided to let myself have another day on PC so I can answer the replies in this thread and post in some other threads. I'm spending less time here and feeling less addicted, which is the idea.

Thanks, IG. My H doesn't want to go to therapy, though he's gone with me to my T several times in the past. He'd probably go again if I asked him. Open marriage isn't an option, but I'm not offended.

Thanks, hankster. Yes, I can have my "me" time but I want more than that. I want my H to be there for me.

Thanks, skysblue. She's not suggesting it, but she keeps emphasizing the fact that I want to stay in my marriage. I think she's projecting HER feelings because SHE got out of HER marriage. I agree about decisions. I don't feel empowered yet.

Good question. I don't know! I'm becoming more independent in my choices of what I do in my free time but I don't think I'd like to be totally independent. I'm not sure what that would even look like!

When I told my T "I'm not independent like you are," I meant that I don't have a career so I couldn't support myself and get divorced like she did. I'm not starting any career now; I don't have energy or inclination to do that. Like I posted above, I'm not sure what independence for me would look like. I'm drawing and painting more, going to classes that I want to attend, and doing what I want more than I used to. To me, that's independence. Probably learning more about our finances would be helpful; I keep trying to but I can't concentrate too well.

You're right. Thanks, blur. He might go to my T again, if I ask him. I'm not sure if she'd see us both again, though. I have to ask her. He wouldn't see a new T. Not now.

Thanks, Perna. Yes, I need to work more with that teenage part. She has a lot to do with my pattern. Play around with my H. Maybe. He's not interested in "the act" anymore.

Thanks, BR. I do think I missed out on a developmental stage. I never got past the "this stuff is yucky/shameful" to the "it's okay and is beautiful" stage.
I do think my T was talking about the choice of "divorce" because she's brought it up before. She says "if I made the choice to stay in my marriage, then I can work on it". So that's where changes come in. I said they wouldn't work because of our schedules, but I could work around that. Mostly, though, I just think it's not worth it and I'll be disappointed because my H isn't interested. He'll go along with it but that's not the ideal situation.

Thank you for sharing some of your story, amandalouise. That's helpful. I like the way your T worked with you about the unlocked and locked doors. I'll think about what that part (inner child/teen) needs and how I can help her.