Cutting The Apron

I'm starting to see just how "dependent" this whole Dependent Personality of mine is. I've never liked the diagnosis but I can say that the fact that I don't like it has made me more aware of "attachment" patterns I never could see before.

T has already established (and its true) that my mom and I have a pretty unhealthy codependent relationship. We're working on that. But one thing we discussed was my tendency to think "what would mom do?" about every single decision I make. And then, 9 times out of 10, i'll go with what I think she would say even if its not what I would have chosen to do for myself. Now i'm I'm starting to get have a similar pattern with T. I think about her a lot and then tell myself to stop thinking about that (because, you know - its creepy) and then I stop until the next thing reminds me of her.

I think because I think she's an awesome person (at least, in my presence) - kind, gentle spoken, not a push over, imperfect, a devout Christian, she tries to be a good mom and wife, etc. I see many of the things I'd like to see in myself. I link so many things to T these days. If I see someone with the same initials, if I read something funny in a book, if I have a good day or bad day, hear certain songs that I think would be good to discuss - everything in some way links to thoughts of T or me telling T about that event.

I don't think its so much of transference (the way its discussed here). I just have this tendency to "hook" on to people in my life and strongly feel the urge to learn everything about said person. I do it off and on with my friends (it varies on which friend i'm around the most at that time). Then, when I find out enough, I'm satisfied. Nothing ever comes of it except I either decide I like the person more or that they bore me/i bore them.

I should also mention that in this compulsive thought process - there is no desire for me to interact with them in any way. It's not that I want them to approve of my action, or comfort me, or anything. I just like knowing how other people live, what they think about the world outside of my own.

Do you think it's just nosiness (quite possible) or the patterns of dependency? What are some more effective ways of distracting my "stalkerish thoughts" besides just saying "No, stop thinking about that" (since that only works for a short time)? How do I cut the apron strings?

How similar/different is this experience with T as compared to your previous experiences with other people?

I think it feels "inappropriate" because this isn't like a "new friend" or "coworker" or "teacher" or "church member" or whatever. This is someone who I don't need to know things about for her to do her job. Granted, she's pretty open/honest with me - but its not things I ask, usually, it's mostly things she brings up that relates to the conversation.

I know I could ask her the things I want to ask her (specifically I really want to know her favorite book, if she drinks coffee and when her birthday is (month/day only - I adamantly do not want to know how old she is lol) ) I have no idea why I want to know these things, and I don't see how I can benefit from the knowledge of it so it kind of feels "stalkerish".

With other people you could discern reasons to know such things, but here you can't, so it feels stalkerish.

How true is this with T (aside from regular sessions)?

Aside from T listening (attentively) to what I want to tell her, I don't really desire any kind of interaction with her most of the time. The exception to that would be the times (usually when my mood starts failing) and I get lonely and want her to be "around" me/quietly sit with me or other times where I just want her to hold my hand. In neither instance do I want her to talk to me, coddle me or anything. I just yearn for her to be "present". But again, thats not even all, or most, of the time.

I told her about this before to an extent (told her that it felt like I missed her but felt unacceptable/stalkerish) and she said said that I link T/sessions/the room with an environment where I feel peaceful, content, safe. She said it was normal to think about/associate a place that comforts me when i'm feeling upset/sad/alone whatever. Except now i feel like i'm linking everything to her & sessions etc. when i'm feeling just fine. I've had a very nice week.

I wonder if it has to do also with the fact that my circle is very small (in regards to people I talk to more often than once every few months) and so her being "the new one", she's just my unintended target?

From what you are saying, it sounds to me that this is not "stalkerish", it sounds to me similar to what you have experienced previously with other people. How long does it usually take (with your friends) for you to find out enough and get satisfied? What if you kept an eye on things but tried to wait that long here, to see what happens?

Clearly, you get something out of this and it isn't hurting anyone. Maybe just enjoy it?

I think there are less healthy ways to occupy your thoughts and time. If your options for self soothing are 1) self injury, 2) substance abuse or 3) fantasizing about your T all the time, well then isn't three the best option?

Maybe force yourself to exercise or do something healthy, while you're thinking about T. It just seems win-win to me.

It's like having a crush that goes nowhere, but makes the work day a little bit more enjoyable. I liken it a little bit to falling in love and the dopamine that you get from that.

I used to attach to my high school teachers in this way. I was obsessed with them and I imagined what they'd think of my outfits, I imagined being loved by them, getting attention from them, serving them and cleaning their houses. I just really wanted to be loved and accepted by parental figures and I had no model for it.

I was a teacher's pet, but so what. There are worse things to be and some of those teachers really helped me a lot in life.

Today, I do the same with T. The sight of T's name in my e-mail inbox makes my heart beat faster. I love it. When I'm out and about, I look for T. But I don't go out of my way to see her. I just imagine, "What if T was over there right now with her kids?"

Even if I saw T, I'd probably just observe from afar. I wouldn't approach. I just like knowing that T is in the world and exists and that I get to be a small part of that.

Finally, it reminds me of the children's books where the poor children are stuck outside in the cold in the winter, and are happy (and slightly longing) just seeing the children in happy families, inside the big windows, near a fire. And the street urchin just gazes in from the sidewalk, happy to be a part of it, even from afar.

It seems like that to me. Sigh. I'm sad now. I clearly didn't get enough love.

Thanks for replying I guess in a way its never ending. After maybe 1-2 months I lose interest with finding out every thing, but that doesn't garauntee my interests won't kick back in again at a later date. I just had my friend of five years to make a list of five things I didn't know about her. (She was not excited about it immediately per say, but she rain checked it for a few days and randomly was like Here You Go! ) I could try that waiting thing. For some reason the book and birthday question has been on my mind at least 2-3 months (the coffee one is new) but I told myself not to ask (no beneficial reason even though I know she'll answer).

All three options sound eh to me. But since I do waiver between 1 and 3, I guess 3 would be the best one. I could try the exercise thing. I actually hate to exercise so that could be a really good deterrent! I could relate a lot to what you wrote about and I think that you may have a very good point. It must do something because I have noticed that I am, indeed, a people watcher and it does, in a way, soothe me just watching people (families specifically) interact. (And eat, I love to feed people.) You brought a very valid point that I didn't notice. Thanks Sorry you're sad though.