[AnnaBegins]

I found out today that my t had a conversation regarding my reluctance to take meds and the feasibility of making me bring my husband to a session to force me to tell him the full extent of what's been going on with me behind my back with a friend of mine who also sees him. I had been talking to her earlier about how rough the last few weeks have been and she reached out to him and they started discussing.

I know that I am to blame for this because I started the initial conversation with my friend, but I really feel like they betrayed my trust by talking about me and my treatment behind my back and without my consent.

When I confronted him, T said he feels bad that he damaged the trust between us and he will do everything he can to fix it.

I don't know if this is fixable, or even if it should be fixable. I am so hurt by this situation that I honestly don't want to talk to either of them again about anything deeper than the weather or the latest sports scores. I don't know how you get that trust back and I don't know how I can trust myself to know who to trust anymore.

Am I crazy for even considering giving him a second chance or am I crazy for wanting to follow up on what he did to me so he can't make anyone else feel this way ever again?

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I found out today that my t had a conversation regarding my reluctance to take meds and the feasibility of making me bring my husband to a session to force me to tell him the full extent of what's been going on with me behind my back with a friend of mine who also sees him. I had been talking to her earlier about how rough the last few weeks have been and she reached out to him and they started discussing.

I know that I am to blame for this because I started the initial conversation with my friend, but I really feel like they betrayed my trust by talking about me and my treatment behind my back and without my consent.

When I confronted him, T said he feels bad that he damaged the trust between us and he will do whatever it takes to fix it.

I don't know if this is fixable, or even if it should be fixable. I am so hurt by this situation that I honestly don't want to talk to either of them again about anything deeper than the weather or the latest sports scores. I don't know how you get that trust back and I don't know how I can trust myself to know who to trust anymore.

Am I crazy for even considering giving him a second chance or am I crazy for wanting to follow up on what he did to me so he can't make anyone else feel this way ever again?

I'm sorry that you're going through this I can really relate to the part where you talked about not knowing how to get the trust back or how to trust yourself to know who to trust. I felt this way before even going back to therapy this last time and I've talked about it with me T in great detail. Nonetheless, I don't have the answers, sadly How come your T talked to your friend about this? Does he have permission to do so? If not, that's just so wrong and I'd be furious as its a definite breach of confidentiality.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I'm sorry that you're going through this I can really relate to the part where you talked about not knowing how to get the trust back or how to trust yourself to know who to trust. I felt this way before even going back to therapy this last time and I've talked about it with me T in great detail. Nonetheless, I don't have the answers, sadly How come your T talked to your friend about this? Does he have permission to do so? If not, that's just so wrong and I'd be furious as its a definite breach of confidentiality.

My friend reached out to him after she and I talked. She said she thought if I heard the same opinions as hers regarding meds and my husband coming from my T, I wouldn't feel as much like she was pushing me to do stuff. So she told him I need to be on meds and he responded that he and I had discussed it before but I was reluctant to pursue that course of treatment. She also said he needed to force me to bring my husband to a session so he could tell my husband what a d-bag he is for not knowing how messed up I am right now and he said he didn't agree with the d-bag part of that suggestion.

I did not give him permission to discuss my treatment with ANYONE except his supervisor.

And while I'm upset with my friend for talking to him about me, I understand that she did it out if concern. It hurts a million times more that he continued the discussion with her instead of telling her he could not discuss my treatment with her because it would be inappropriate.

What he did was extremely unethical and I would consider reporting him. Totally out of line.

[wotchermuggle]

Wow. Totally broke confidentiality with you.

It is hard to leave a therapist, but it's hard to ever FORGET when stuff like this happens.

My therapist did something similar (and had assured me he wouldn't do said thing), but then he did it. I spent two more years rationalizing it and telling myself I could get over it, but I never did. Because I couldn't unconsciously get over it, it messed up my therapy.

Seriously consider changing therapists, please.

[growlycat]

that is a pretty big breach of trust--and pretty unethical. Maybe it is time for a new T

[LoneWolfie]

As soon as your friend mentioned you, your t should have shut down that conversation ASAP. I know that your friend is concerned for you and that is why she did it but she went about it the wrong way. I'm sorry that you are now in a situation that is burdening you.

I myself have never dealt with any issue like this, so I don't feel I can really comment. I guess you need to really think things through, as to whether you are able to get past it. Everyone is different. Good luck.

[Bill3]

I agree with the others that it was absolutely unethical for T to talk with your friend about you. I am really sorry that you experienced this major breach of trust.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by LoneWolfie

As soon as your friend mentioned you, your t should have shut down that conversation ASAP.

I had the same thought right after I found out about it - which happened when he texted me and said he hoped my friend didn't give me too much tough love. I asked him if she said something to him since I had just gotten off the phone with her 30 minutes before he sent that text and he said she brought me up. I immediately asked her what she said and she gave me their whole conversation verbatim.

She apologized to me about it - he still has not, even though he said he felt bad that he damaged our trust.

[learning1]

Did you like your therapist before this happened? Do you have any inkling to repair things?

I thought that therapists were allowed to listen to family or friends if the family or friends reach out, but that the t shouldn't reveal anything about you. It sounds like your t did say things about you, so he screwed up. I'm not sure it's a good idea to try to repair things unless you really want to.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by learning1

Did you like your therapist before this happened? Do you have any inkling to repair things?

I thought that therapists were allowed to listen to family or friends if the family or friends reach out, but that the t shouldn't reveal anything about you. It sounds like your t did say things about you, so he screwed up. I'm not sure it's a good idea to try to repair things unless you really want to.

Part of why I'm really upset is I did like this t. He was starting to convince me that he did in fact give a damn about me and I was starting to trust him enough to reach out to him when I was struggling in between sessions.

I had such a bad experience with my last t that I didn't think I deserved a good one. Those old feelings are resurfacing in a major way now.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

Part of why I'm really upset is I did like this t. He was starting to convince me that he did in fact give a damn about me and I was starting to trust him enough to reach out to him when I was struggling in between sessions.

I had such a bad experience with my last t that I didn't think I deserved a good one. Those old feelings are resurfacing in a major way now.

I'm sorry, that is awful if you had a bad experience with a previous t as well. What do you see as similarities or differences between the previous t and the current t?

What did your current t offer to do to repair things? If there is anything he could do that would let you start to feel that he cares about you again, has he done it?

I don't know what to suggest, but maybe writing about it on here (more) could help.

[Bill3]

This was not your fault.

You deserve a good counselor.

[feralkittymom]

I wouldn't want to repair this rupture because the heart of it isn't an issue between the two of you: the issue is this T's gross incompetence and ethical violation. Clearly, he doesn't have a full grasp on this most basic tenet of his profession. And it doesn't appear to have been a heat of the moment slip, as he still doesn't seem to be aware of the breath of the violation. I would see it as an indication of major incompetence, and go elsewhere.

[Sjc0]

Granted part of what you're paying for is a perception of strict confidentiality, but I would be thankful he gave a damn and didn't let some blind obligation to theoretical ethics get in the way of possibly helping you. Half of us probably wouldn't need therapy if we were more open and honest with those close to us and especially ourselves about all that we think and feel. Just be who we are and not maintain all the different facades. Then there is nothing to feel betrayed over when everyone knows the same things. I am starting to ramble, but I guess what I wanted to throw in the mix is... maybe try to see past the feeling betrayed, you did acknowledge feeling they both had your best interest in mind. If it truly bothers you just tell Mr. T and I think the odds are he won't do anything like it again.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by learning1

I'm sorry, that is awful if you had a bad experience with a previous t as well. What do you see as similarities or differences between the previous t and the current t?

What did your current t offer to do to repair things? If there is anything he could do that would let you start to feel that he cares about you again, has he done it?

I don't know what to suggest, but maybe writing about it on here (more) could help.

My previous t had VERY rigid boundaries, so much so that he came across as very cold and uncaring. He offered very little in the way of support too - told me he looked at me as someone in a deep lake who was struggling to swim and he saw himself as in a boat staying just enough ahead of me so I couldn't grab on but instead would be forced to learn to swim on my own. This may have been OK if I had started seeing him before I was spiraling but I was pretty messed up in the first place when I went back to therapy and I needed to be able to trust that I could "grab the boat" during those times when I truly felt like I was drowning. I stuck it out with him for eight months but after a session when I told him I was having a lot of SUI thoughts and he responded by telling me what a mess I would make out of his life if I did that, I admitted to myself that we were not a good fit and terminated him.

This t has always been very supportive, which is what I liked best about him. He checked up on me every now and again and encouraged me to reach out to him when I needed help outside of session. I was really starting to trust that he gave a crud about me and being able to trust myself (and him) to reach out when I was tempted to SI was starting to reduce the instances where I gave in to those urges. He's even offered a hug if I asked for it, although he understood that I was not ready yet and never pushed the issue.

I'm wondering though if his less rigid boundaries are what led to this situation in the first place. And do I need to trade support for confidentiality?

This is a serious breach of confidentiality. Your T has no idea what your friend will do with the information he gives her (if she's not much of a friend whatever he tells her could be used to intentionally hurt you). I hope for your sake that she really is a friend and would tell no one. Your T and friend have no right to discuss you. I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm sure you are devastated at the lack of respect you've been shown.

[Bill3]

You do not have to trade support for confidentiality.

A proper T provides both.

(((((AnnaBegins)))))

[Nerak67]

It wasn't right what he did but it seems to me it was out of caring for you. He was trying to help you so I don't think this should threaten your feelings that he cares.

A t should never break confidentiality though. You need to decide if you can get over that but I think he does care very much.

[tinyrabbit]

I am so sorry to hear about this as I remember how much anguish your last T caused, but this really really is not on. If you didn't give your T permission to discuss you, they can't even acknowledge to anyone else that you are their client, surely?

[anilam]

This is stg a T could lose his license for... Frankly, I'm suprised your T doesn't seems to know it.
I'd find a new one immediately but that's me. Confidentiality IS more important to me than anything. I wouldn't read it that he doesn't care about you he does and so does your friend. This is stg that a friend might be expected to do...not a T.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by anilam

This is stg a T could lose his license for... Frankly, I'm suprised your T doesn't seems to know it.
I'd find a new one immediately but that's me. Confidentiality IS more important to me than anything. I wouldn't read it that he doesn't care about you he does and so does your friend. This is stg that a friend might be expected to do...not a T.

This hits the nail right on the head for me. He is not my friend, he is not supposed to be my friend. I am not supposed to expect him to be my friend. We will never go have a beer together, he won't "friend" me on Facebook, he won't follow me on Twitter.

I would have been annoyed if two of my friends were discussing my issues and treatment needs but I would also have understood that there is a real possibility that they were doing so because we ARE friends and they do care about me. I am devastated that my T did this because he is supposed to be a professional who is helping me help myself to get better. That personal intimacy should not be there because at the end of the day, my goal is to be able to walk away from him and live a happier and more productive life.

I have an appointment with him tonight and I hope I am strong enough to tell him these things.

I think the therapeutic bond you had with your therapist may be beyond repair. Or perhaps you don't even want to attempt to repair it. I certainly wouldn't blame you. I think you should find a new therapist that can help you get closure on this unfortunate breach of confidentiality and help you move on to refocusing back on you. It sounds like your therapist and friend "knew better" - or your therapist should have been know better at the very least. Take care.

[critterlady]

He may have been acting out of caring for you, but what you describe sounds almost as much like gossip as it does anything. Confidentiality in therapy is the single most critical thing. It's of paramount importance. Clients must be able to trust that what they say in that room never, ever leaves the confines of that room and that privacy is respected always.

What tinyrabbit said is true - he actually shouldn't even have confirmed that you are his client, unless you'd given written consent for him to do so.

When I had just started seeing my T, he'd offered to talk to a family member of mine. The family member never called him and I later decided that I didn't want T to talk to her. He told me that if she called, he would politely decline to have a conversation with her. He's also told me that he would not knowingly take on as a client any person with whom I was close, since it would create a conflict of interest for him.

So, I think it may have been a mistake for him to take on your friend in the first place and it was definitely a potentially career-ending mistake for him to discuss you with your friend.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by critterlady

So, I think it may have been a mistake for him to take on your friend in the first place and it was definitely a potentially career-ending mistake for him to discuss you with your friend.

She was actually his client first so technically he should have gently told me that having me as a patient was not a good idea. We talked about it early on and I thought we were both on the same page that what she talks about with him is none of my business and vice versa.