[eskielover]

I haven't been around here much lately. I try to read your posts & think of a response, but end up going blank. The session with my psychologist on Thurs was a whole hour of tears. I couldn't say much because I couldn't figure out my feelings let alone put words to them. It was strange sitting there is silence with tears streaming down my face....not being able to say a word.

I thought the sale of my Mothers home would be a huge relief. The sale turned out better than I ever imagined. The actual purchase price was way more than what the other real estate agent offered for it "as is' . The offer I was so tempted to take just to get rid of the house. Luckily my lawyer referred me to the real estate agent I went with because my lawyer thought that the other offer wasn't a fair price. It was good to have someone else point me in the right direction & to have a great real estate agent take over & make all the decisions needed to sell the house.

The fact that the whole process of the sale of my Mothers home was being filmed for a TV show that is to be on the TV in about 6 months didn't help. Trying to keep some of the horrible emotions I was going through away from being filmed was very tough & answering their questions about how I was feeling made it impossible not to say somethings.

I never thought I would end up at this point where I can barely leave my home let alone my bed. I have to force myself to do the things that I have to do (things I have no other choice than to do). I know from past experiences & from what I am going through now, that everytime I force myself to do something, I end up taking huge steps backwards.

I am finding myself in many situations where I can't function. When I received the escrow papers, & tried to read through them & answer the questions, I completely froze & went into melt down. The anxiety attacks are so bad, I end up dealing with horrible chest pains that I know were only anxiety, but fells like I am having a heart attack.

I am definitely blessed because my real estate agent had me pack up the escrow papers & bring them to him. He helped me fill out everything. I felt so stupid because never before in my life have I not been able to fill our information like that, but realized as we went through it was different because the house sale was under the trust. Something I wouldn't know anything about.

I have so many thoughts & feelings swirling around inside of me that I can't put anything into specific thoughts or words. I feel like I am back inside the tornado I was in 2 years ago & I am watching everything going on around me like watching a movie that I am not a part of.

Moving out the last things I want to take from the house has become harder & harder. I know I have to go back to the house but staying home under my nice warm blankets & sleeping away the anxiety with the help of my med is what I choose. Unfortunately, I have done that until I have no more time left.

My psychologist pointed out that I need some time in the house, before escrow closes on Monday, to say my goodbyes. This is the house that my parents bought before I was born. This is the house I lived in all my unmarried life (until I was 22). This is the house that my daughter did alot of growing up in because my parents cared for her while we had our careers going. This is the house that my Father died in. This is the house where I spent some time with my Mother while I was in outpatient treatment when depression hit. Sadly, this is the house where my mother spent the last bit of time in because she so desparately wanted to be in her own home. That was what enabled the person who frauded her way into being the care taker & doing all the horrible things that she did with the ID theft, having the police called to the house to accuse me of abusing my Mother, stealing all the valuables & finally OD'ing my Mother with morphine.

There are so many memories wrapped up in the house but the hardest part is that the bad memories of the final trauma & what my Mother was physically going through at the end seem to be overshadowing everything else. Things that I would never think of as triggers are constantly causing flashbacks & floods of tears. I know I need to take some time after everything is done to just sit there & let my tears out. Keeping busy & keeping my feelings away isn't a good thing, even if that is what I usually do. Crying isn't something I do easily. Holding back my tears is what I am used to doing until I no longer have any control & then I just explode. I can feel the explosion building up as Monday/Tuesday comes closer. This is the time when I really wish I had the support of family, someone to share all these feelings with.

From what my psychologist said, this is another step in dealing with the grief & loss of my Mother which is something I still haven't been able to deal with because of trying to deal with everything else that happened & the anger that has been haunting me.

Debbie

[SweetSunshine]

Debbie...

I so understand how hard it is to go thru that grieving process. It took me 14 yrs to get thru that! I hope and pray that it doesnt take you as long. But give yourself time and patience dear.. My T told me that instead of crying and all that. Try to do something that day that you both loved to do together. So I took my husbands money and went shopping ! LOL.. Hey I thought it was funny. I also do some cooking . Thats another thing we loved to do together. And prolly one of the reasons I look like I do too! lol I still miss my mom.. but I try to celebrate her life more , rather than grieve it. Thinking of you .. Be patient and kind to yourself ok?

Hugz
Bethy

[wisewoman]

Hey Sweetie, you have so much loss and transition on your plate. I am sorry for all of the pain. You know someday maybe we can speak more about your mom's last days in a different light. If she was truly very terminal than a morphine overdose is a tricky thing to catch as we medicate to comfort at all times during the dying process. I know it feels like overdosing and I have had to speak with a dear friend hospice nurse on many occasions to clarify this in my mind and to understand that we are really not making the person die any quicker, maybe a few hours but that we are keeping that person comfortable when there is no return. I wonder if you could call your local hospice and just talk with a nurse on the phone about how you feel and what you know and try to work some of it out in your mind. I wish I could give you my friend who could see the medical records and stuff and know what probably was and did occur.

That she was taken advantage of stinks badly. However, maybe she didn't care about that as she got to be at home. I am outraged for her and for you but I am also happy that she was at home when that means so very much to many of us. Maybe she didn't know she was being exploited? Maybe she didn't care. Many of my previous clients didn't. It was a well informed trade off for them.

It is money in the end and while I know that is very important, I also know that there are higher values. your dogs, horses, relationships. I could not sell my dogs for hundreds of thousands of dollars, they are my family. I might sell my children but..... Just kidding.

I hope that what I am saying makes sense to you. P.m. if you would like and know I am thinking of you. Be well.

debbie, i believe that the morphine just made your mother's transition more comfortable. i doubt that it hastened her death.

i understand that the sale of the house is traumatic for you now, but it is also an excellent opportunity for you to have closure and move on into the next chapter of your life.

you have your animals and the move and a lot to do in the near future. good luck on your new path. pat

[eskielover]

I only wish the morphine had been from hospice care......it wasn't. They screwed up my Mothers care so bad because her surgeon was never willing to tell her anything except that he "got it all". She wasn't on hospice care until 5 days before she died.

The person who was in the home care position manipulated her way into that position. She was the friend on my Mothers boyfriends daughter & lived across the street from my Mothers boyfriend. The daughter wanted me to meet this friend. The friend introduce herself as an RN that was working as an oncology RN at St. John's & that her parents had both died of cancer & didn't want anyone with cancer to not be able to spend their last time at their own home. She told me that she could make everything work out so that my Mother could be taken care of in her home. I didn't like her pushy personality & when my Mother met her, she didn't like her either.

The friend called up the hospital & then she called me up & told me that they were discharging my Mother that day. Panic....I hadn't made arrangements for the care my Mother needed because the social workers never included me in on the information they were telling my Mother.......& this friend was telling me I didn't have any other options than to have my Mother come home & "don't worry" she would make everything work out ok. She wanted to go with me to the hospital & talk to them about my Mothers discharge.

I was angry because no one had told me anything about anything & I had never delt with anything like this in my life. I found out that the friend had told the social worker that morning that she "was the home care provider for my Mother". I had seen my Mother go down hill so quickly & felt that she had probably had a mild stroke on top of everything else because her cognative abilities went down hill after an incident she had right before I had her hospitalized this time anyway.

I felt trapped & didn't feel I had any other options. The "RN" said she could be there when they brought my Mother home by van (I had responsibilities at home & couldn't be there myself)

The next 5 days were a nightmare. My Mothers wedding ring was missing off her hand. When I went to find all my Mothers valuable jewelry, it was all missing. I had my Mother sign a few checks & after I wrote a couple to pay the for the weekend home care, there were 2 more checks written to someone I didn't know & neither did my Mother & then one for cash in the same handwritting. (the copy of the check was left, the checks had been taken.). The "RN" told me not to bother my Mother about stoping payment on the checks they weren't for that much. (how did she know how much they were for????). Tuesday morning I woke up to talking thinking it was my Mother. It wasn't....she was still alseep. What I heard was the "RN" giving out all my Mothers personal information, her own, & then mine. That was when I confronted her & fought over getting the phone. I finally got it & as I was walking off with it, I found out that it was a credit card application that she was doing & right then, the phone went dead. The "RN" begged me not to tell anyone & that my Mother had given her permission to apply for the card. She said she wasn't thinking straight because the vet called her & told her that he had to put her dog down because.....

After she left for awhile that morning (leaving me alone with my Mother because she had fired the other home care person), I looked at the phone cord....it had been pulled out of the wall & cut. I immediately started calling nursing care providers (which I should have done in the first place.....only before I didn't have enough information to tell them what kind of care was needed....now I did). I arranged for someone, only they couldn't be there until the next day. I needed help, so decided to keep her there until then.

The next day, my Mothers lawyer was to come & make the last changes to her trust & she had a Dr appointment after that. Well, that morning, the "RN" asked to leave for awhile & would be back to get my Mother ready. I got a call after that, a social worker wanting to talk to my Mother (the voice was the same as the "RN"....hard to not recognize the Carrabbien accent). I could hear a little since I had to hold the phone up to my Mothers ear (she couldn't do that anymore).....telling my Mother that she shouldn't be controlled by her family & that it was not ok.....

Right after that came a knock at the door. It was the police.....rude police....one went to talk to my Mother & the other kept telling me that I should know what he was there for. After 2 hours of this, I found out they had gotten an annonomus call telling them that I was abusing my Mother. I know the "RN" walked in right after the police but have no idea what she was doing during that time. Luckily my Mothers lawyer arrived & that was when the police backed down. Once all that was over, the "RN" was getting my Mother ready for her Dr appt. while I got myself ready. I walked into talk to my Mother & she was complaining that the "RN" had shoved a hand full of pills into her hand & told her to put them into her mouth & then gave her a huge glass of water to swollow them all. My Mother told me that one of the pills had dropped. A little while later, my Mother was shaking all over & was even more out of it that she had been. When I told the "RN" that I was expecting someone & wanted her to leave for while, she flew off & called 911 & then said she was going to call the police again about the abuse.

When the paramedics arrived, they initially said that my Mother wasn't serious & didn't need to be taken to the ER. I didn't care...I insisted. I figured this was the best way to get rid of the "RN". My husband (who had arrived during this) & I chased the "RN" away & on her way out, she said "your Mother is never coming home again".

When I arrived at the ER, the Dr there said that my Mother seemed as if she had been given too many sleeping pills. When I got my mother transferred to the hospital where all her own Dr's were & went back to her home....I found the missing pill & that was the morphine pill. I don't know how many more she was given in that handfull.

I know that there isn't anything wrong with providing high levels of pain relief to cancer patients......the problem is that now I know that this person wasn't an "RN" like she claimed. She was a con person. There were many more things that happened after those 5 days.....showing me how dangerous she was but what happened in the house for those 5 days is really hard to shake out of my mind.

Debbie

debbie, what can you do about any of this now? the only thing you can change is how you view it and how you respond to your feelings about it.

your mother was dying and the morphine still enabled her to not have so much pain. isn't that somewhat of a relief for you?

do you feel guilty that you didn't know what was going on then or what to do? you were doing the best you could then.

the best thing that i can suggest for you is to start working to detach from it and move on.

you cannot go back and change one thing that the doctors did nor can you change anything about her care. but you can change the way you're going to live the rest of your life. and you are the only one that can do it. good luck, pat

[Peanuts]

How awful for you. You must have been so frustrated, sad, and angry all at the same time. Con artists are usually very good at what they do - they con people. They are lower then dirt in my opinon. I'm sorry your mother suffered like that. Any chance this woman was caught ?? If she did it to your family she is probably doing to another. All the police would have to do is watch her and I'll bet she has snuggled into another family in crisis and will be looking for easy stealing.

Sorry your family had to go through that.

[biplol]

((((((Debbie)))))

[wisewoman]

Debbie, I am sorry you have this in your life to deal with. I think Pat has some good suggestions. I wish you luck with all of this.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((Debbie)))))))))))))

Thanks for the update. I am sorry to hear all that you are still going through, and I just want you to know that I think of you and wish you well.

Rap

[January]

(((((((((( Debbie )))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through this horrible time. There is no such thing as "just" anxiety. It's huge and real. Please listen to your psychiatrist and let your realtor help you in every way he can.

Please take good care of you.

Gentle hugs,

Jan

[Evangelista]

(((((((Debbie))))))))

I am so sorry that you are suffering so...safe gentle hugs.



Eva