Knowing personal information about your Therapist (and discussing it during session)

Indeed I am not. But I am not all that curious or wanting to know a lot about people in my real life that I am quite fond of. I figure if I need to know something for some reason, they will tell me, but most info people tell me about themselves is for their benefit, not mine. I don't mind, just that it does not matter to me.[/quote]

OMG SD Are you my twin? I often wonder "why" people are telling me things I don't really need to know about them. Like when other women share "secrets" with me. whats that all about? Sorry to high jack thread.

I think for at least some of us, it helps build trust when we know the thereapist a bit more personally. Like... I have a hard time sharing how I feel about things. Facts I can tell anyone really. But how I feel about those facts? That's really hard for me.

I don't trust my T and I don't really trust anyone. So.. knowing at least a few things about him makes it easier to expose myself that much to him, because it at least knocks him back down to "normal guy" instead of "guy who has this much power over me" -- even though I know he doesn't have any actual power, he does get to see me when I'm a lot more vulnerable than normal.

So for me? It totally helps knowing that he was a total jerkface with a joke he played on my friend/coworker! From it, I know that yeah, he really CAN be that idiotic in real life and not just with me At the same time, I've heard his wife is the nicest person ever so he really can't ACTUALLY be a jerk or she wouldn't be with him. I guess for me, that helps a lot. When I get annoyed with him I at least know that he hasn't done anything as utterly stupid as the joke he pulled on my friend!

Exactly which is why you have to make sure that you don't cross the line, really staying away from specifics, for instance who they took with should really be off limits unless the Therapist decides to disclose that with their client (like my Group Therapist told me that her trip to London was with her family).

Honestly I would never want my Therapist to be a true friend of mine but I would want to her to have friendship like qualities (such as knowing what her interests are).

Some people have attachment styles that are problematic for them. The attachment style will be present in the therapy as well. Some choose to use that to work on that specific issue, trying to create a different way of relating that then can be brought into the person's everyday life. We all have attachment styles; it is even transcultural. But some choose not to make it part of what they want to pay attention to. For people who want to deal with how they relate to others, the way they relate to the therapist is like a training ground. This is only a simplest part of it, but I think it makes sense that people want certain things from the therapist and the therapist then decides whether those things should or should not be given, depending on approach and the client's needs and best interests.

BINGO, it is all about knowing certain things about people to make them Three-Dimensional.

Also this extends beyond your Therapist to other people IMO, in fact (since I am listening to one of my favorite online stations right now) I always love knowing little bits of information about the DJs on the online station which I listen to (which they often share on the air) such as their favorite bands, TV shows, and what sports teams they like (the ones who follow sports) and this can come in handy since I sometimes see them at concerts that the station sponsors and usually spend a few minutes talking to them about those things when I see them.

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There are very few "blank slate" Ts. In fact traditional psychoanalysis actually does involve interaction with the T and a very close relationship develops.

The issue is really invasion of a Ts space and privacy.
Knowing if they like coffee is one thing, knowing about their family life, their struggles, their divorces, is another.

Another issue is if it comes directly from the T versus a client driving by their home and looking at their plants or if they have toys in the yard, etc.
Invading their space is a boundary issue and almost disrespectful.

T's are not our friends. They are doing a job, and the goal of their job is to focus on the client. Look at all the stress talking about themselves brings people when they find out something about their T that is different than the client imagined or wanted or envisioned.

Infants don't attach through conversation. Infants attach through eye contact, soothing responses, and being relieved from their stress. T's provide that through empathy, understanding, repeating what the client says so they feel heard, etc. A T does not need to share their lives to create attachment.

I found attachment and blank slate to be incompatible. One of them had to give. Madame T wouldn't budge on the blank slate and thus broke the attachment.

Right but several types of therapy stress authenticity and genuineness. Some self-disclosure can be used to establish the therapist's humanness. It prevents out of bounds projections if the client knows that the therapist is neither all powerful or their parent. Therapists who are honest and reveal certain limitations and/or vulnerabilities can actually help ground the relationship in a more realistic sense of things. Thus, unrealistic expectations, boundary violations, snooping or obsessing can be curtailed by the therapist providing some sense of themselves. I think it develops kinda naturally over time anyway. It also fosters trust for those who have trouble with that. But I agree, as I have already said, the mistake is to believe it is a reciprocal relationship. It is not and can never be. And that's a good thing.

The nicest people are OFTEN married to jerks.

True! I'll explain myself further:

My T is the sort of guy who can easily come across as a jerk because he jokes and doesn't always think through what he's saying. It's the kind of jerk that doesn't mean to be, and he's actually a really good guy.

My brother, on the other hand, is the opposite. He seems like a great guy, but he's a bonafide jerk and treats his friends like crap at the end of the day.

It's a difference between their actions and words. My T's actions are good, but the words he uses are sometimes a little daft - and his sense of humour can be questionable (but so can mine. I laughed a LOT when my friend told me what he did to her. It was terrible, but hilarious. I would have killed him if I'd been her!). My brother's words sound great, but they're empty and his actions are not good.

But the therapist is not the client's friend. This is not a social occasion and the client should not be paying the T her hard-earned money so the T can be or become her friend. There are support groups for people who want a more open and reciprocal relationship. I personally find it disrespectful to patient when a therapist is wanting to share personal info or just discuss hobbies or other things during the session, as opposed to bringing the focus back on the client and on why he wants to know more about the therapist.

But a lot of this also depends on the kind of therapy you're having. Supportive type therapies allow for more social interactions. Classical psychoanalysis is almost at the opposite extreme with the therapist almost coming across as a cold closed-up unfeeling person. Nowadays many therapists do their own thing, taking bits and pieces from different approaches and incorporate them. And of course they will justify how their approach is the "right" way to do it, whether they share nothing or share much. After all, as long as they don't violate any clear rules and as long as the client is happy, who can complain about this?

Exactly, but it should be what the client wants to talk about, if they want to talk about personal interests and hobbies instead of their personal struggles I say let them, the Therapist gets paid the same amount no matter what. There have been times I have done it because some weeks there may not have been any major issues or blowups for myself in the past week to discuss (which did happen occasionally) so I decide to fill the time by discussing interests or hobbies. I guess for some people if nothing major happened in the last week than they can choose to cancel the session for that week and not have to pay anything that week but that it is not an option for all of us since for many of us the Therapist takes time out of his/her day specifically for you and unless you have a good reason not to attend (such as illness or a family emergency) than they will be very angry at you should you choose to cancel.

Yeah, I agree with this, I remember doing the same when I was going to therapy, sometimes just not having much to discuss and so talking about other stuff, hobbies, etc, and really considering not coming to the appointment but feeling like I owed them that because they had made time for me.

I don't see anything inappropriate with measured self-disclosure by a T when guided by the needs of the client and the therapeutic situation. And I think a client has the freedom to ask any question of a T. But I think the effect on the relationship which results from that is very different from digging up info on a T in order to surreptitiously encourage disclosure. Why not simply ask the questions you want to ask, thereby giving the T the choice of what and how to self-disclose? It seems to me that would encourage a far more open and honest exchange, show greater respect for boundaries, and probably result in more comfort and security in the relationship.

It may be a perfectly understandable feeling, but the focussed and secretive intent on finding out personal info about a T is indicative of deeper needs, and therapy is the place to explore such needs, rather than indulge them without examination.

Well here is what I remember doing, I can remember when we were talking about winter sports and the like I asked her "so are you a snowboarding fan" (even though I had previously known that), then when I was talking about the city where me and the rest of my family used to accompany my dad when he had conferences there I said something along the lines of "something tells me you know a lot about that city" and then she told me that she did indeed grow up there. It's all about trying to slide it in without being too obvious.

But why not ask her directly what you would like to know about her before you go to other measures to find out the information?

Well why did God tell Cain where his brother Abel was when he already knew, its all about getting a reaction.

That question sounds like perfect sense, but there's something..... I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing it isn't just about knowing hte information.

I'm not so sure what you mean by that?

Then I would say that feral's thoughts on the matter are even more fitting.

I don't think googling Ts is just about getting information. I don't know what more it might be. Maybe regaining some power in a vulnerable relationship? Maybe not wanting to have T see client's reaction when cl learns certain information. maybe wanting to get more of a sense of the person they are dealing with without spending time in therapy? I imagine there are probably a lot more reasons. I just wonder if it's ALL about the information. And I wonder if any response should consider the underlying reasons, rather than just dealing with the surface behavior.

I would actually say that its a little of both.

I think we are in agreement. I said that I thought it was MORE than the information. That would include the information was part of the issue. I would probably go further and say the information is a surface issue that represents something else. That doesn't answer the question of whether it's okay to get information or eliminate the issue of how such information is obtained.

It's really up to the client- if they want to see their Therapist in strictly a professional manner and know little (if any) information about them then they can do that, if they want to see their Therapist as a more realistic and three-dimensional person and learn certain personal things about them than they can do that as well. It is all about what the client thinks will work best for them. I think that the later works best for me.

I believe in transparency in the relationship and the use of self-disclosure. And I think knowing certain things helps make the relationship more real. It's important for many reasons, one of which is to know that they are human and have quirks and limitations just like everyone else. So the idea that they are so hyper professionalized that they are not real people doesn't make much sense to me and seems like it would actually be unhealthy.

Having said that, my experience has been that this happens in session, face to face, or over the phone sometimes, and always at the discretion of the therapist. The art of self-disclosure is very complicated so they need to be in charge of it. Face it, they are more stable and solid than we are so they have better judgement and have more experience dealing with what works for the therapeutic benefit, which is the bottom line.