Knowing personal information about your Therapist (and discussing it during session)

I know quite a lot about my Ts seeing I'll be one of them soon in three years to be exact. All three of my Ts have daughters around the same age mid 30s to early 40s. They like similar things like running. Singing, and interested in seeing me act in musicals, my long term T lost her dad almost 16 years ago. So she can emphasize with the loss of my brother. One day all these Ts will be my dear friends. I love this about all of them. I can't wait for my wedding, first child and making the my god others of my children. Forever loved.

I think I see what you mean, and I agree. For some people it is JUST the information. a more three-dimensional person. And for some people, it is more. Is that it? Did I get what you were saying this time?

I think you're on the right track, I guess I was saying that some people want their Therapist to be strictly a professional to help with their problems while others (like myself) want to see them as a regular person who they can talk to not just about their problems but also some of their interests (I can remember with a prior Therapist of mine we used to also talk about things such as current events that were going on at the time).

okay. makes sense. I think you're right. I guess I would add that some people have deeper, more complex motives, but I don't think you were addressing that, and I agree with what you wrote..

Talking about current events is very different because the information isn't owned by either party. The difficulty I have with what you're saying is that by ferreting out the personal information in order to then use it in some pre-planned way in the session, you essentially rob the T of the choice of self-disclosure. It's a kind of one-upsmanship, or some such thing. Of course, the T can say in response, "I would prefer not to discuss that," but then you've made an issue where none needed to exist, and I expect that you would be unhappy with that response. You have the right to disclose as you see fit; why do you want to deny the T the same right? How does that achieve your goal of feeling the relationship as more real or personal?

I'm not clear how it is necessarily so, that it creates an issue. It could also demonstrate to the client the setting of a boundary, hopefully in a clear but gentle manner, and being comfortable with that.
I guess I don't feel like I need to protect the T by not asking questions that might make him uncomfortable. I am protecting him from me. That seems to me would complicate therapy. The T has the option of answering the question, or exploring why the client wants answers to the question, and probably some other options. I don't know the questions, nor the T and client, so I don't know if I agree with his choices. It seems to me that it could be unhelpful, but I don't see the necessarily so.

Well I did the exact same thing to tell my most recent Therapist that we went to the same University as Undergrads, I used an upcoming football game involving the school (in fact one that was happening the following weekend) that I was going to be attending as the setup.

Our couple's T is from the same state we moved from last year, in fact the next town over from where we lived for a while. My wife and I spent a lot of time in that town, so we talk to couple's T about it at times. A huge problem for us is missing home, and also finding things to do in our new state. Couple's T has a few of the same interests as we do, so she will let us know of activities or places to visit. It's in the context of our therapeutic relationship though, so it works. I do not have the same conversations with my individual T as it is not relevant to therapy with her. The few times we talked about mutual interests were in relation to developing coping skills/inspiration to keep going forward. I don't think a conversation with individual T about good restaurants or live music venues would have much bearing on my trauma therapy, but those conversations happen a lot with couple's T. It's all about relevance for me. There were times I have spoken to other T's also about some personal stuff, but it was always kept within the structure of the therapy.
I have to admit, the days we talk a lot about home or extra-curricular activities with couple's T are also the days we don't get much else done. It was more important when we first moved here, but now I try to keep the focus on our relationship issues.

I agree that self-disclosure belongs to the therapist and shouldn't be tested or pushed too hard. That is disrespectful and can damage the relationship, not to mention that it just tends to create problems that don't necessarily need to be there.

Self-disclosure is quite complex. A therapist needs space to do this in an appropriate manner. Sometimes it is innocuous like just discussing things, but when it gets more personal both parties need to be careful.

My therapist uses self-disclosure but it is part of his training to do so. I trust his instincts and am careful mostly. So if I ask a question I frequently preface it with a qualification so he has a ready way out. Sometimes it's way more spontaneous. We both get engaged and end up with something personal that we didn't really intend to go toward. He is so experienced and so solid that he handles these things with grace so it never becomes a problem really. And he is very clear with me. Frank discussion is more and more prevalent. He is also humble and admits his limitations, even though he has 35 years of experience, went to Harvard and Stanford, and got training at an institute in psychoanalysis. But we have worked together for a long time rather intensively so that might make things different. Not sure.

Which is why my former Group Therapist told me and the other person in the group that she was taking a trip to London with her Husband and 2 young children however when we asked her about the trip she didn't say much (and I was OK with that).

If you read my other post you'll see that I believe a client has the right and freedom to ask a T anything. This isn't about protecting the T, but rather respecting the T and the authenticity of the relationship by not surreptitiously finding info to then plan to drop into conversation as a way of manipulating disclosures.

With some Ts and clients, it would not create an issue. But the OP has discussed on a number of threads his difficulties with boundaries and disclosure and how they define the relationship for him. My point has been why the subterfuge? Why not simply ask the questions openly which then could lead to the discussion you're talking about.

Yes, I remember that thread. This seems to be a technique you use in building the relationship. But as your other threads detailed, it didn't work out very well for you. So why continue to rely on this technique?

Well it didn't work with my last Therapist (although I should mention that she was not mad about that aspect of the relationship) but it did work with the Therapist that I saw prior.

Hankster that is highlarious!!!!!!!

The only thing I ever wanted to be sure of is that my therapist was licensed. I checked and that was all I really needed. I was afraid of blurring lines that shouldn't be blurred, so I didn't. I know she needs to maintain a certain amount of distance. I respect that. She disclosed enough to me with non-verbal clues and on the rare occasion I asked about her personal life (siblings, encounters with the police etc) she disclosed without an issue. If I had pushed a boundary, she would have told me.

Despite the professional distance, I really feel we had a good interaction going. I made some nice progress with her help. I'll miss her.

Ackk - speaking of cringe-worthy!

I'm sorry. I missed the part about a subterfuge. I would probably approach it somewhat differently, but I understand what you are saying now and not confused.