Knowing personal information about your Therapist (and discussing it during session)

I was wondering if anyone thinks that it's a good idea (or has done it before) to not only know some personal information about your Therapist but to actually discuss some of it with him/her (without mentioning exactly how you found it) often using something to transition into it. I personally think that it is (and have done it before) because it not only shows a sense of realism towards you and your client but also shows that they are like you in some ways and have some of the same interests as you for instance with my Therapist that I saw for 4 years:

I knew the city that she grew up in and it was actually a city that I visited at least once (sometimes twice) a year for many years when I was younger since my dad used to have conferences that he went to there and I used to accompany him to them so I knew the area fairly well so we sometimes discussed our favorite things about it. I also returned there once while I was doing Therapy with her to visit a Steakhouse chain that I like a lot (since there are none of them anywhere in my area) and she told me that she liked the place a lot and the food was excellent (and after going there I couldn't help but agree).

I also knew that my Therapist was an avid snowboarding fan (taking a snowboarding trip at least once a year) as am I, so we talked a lot about that and she even told me where some of the best places to go snowboarding are.

We also talked some about certain bands, movies, and TV shows that we both like (most of that I did not know beforehand).

I think that these things can help enhance a Therapy relationship since it tells you that your Therapist is a regular person often with many common interests as you.

I think that these kinds of discussions can be helpful for building the relationship, as long as they don't take over too much of the session.

I had wanted to know more about my former T's interests. A lot of that was about wanting to find common ground. A mirroring/twinning kind of thing. With my current T, I'm curious about her interests, and would welcome knowing more, but I feel less compelled to want to talk about those kinds of things.

I know a fair amount about my therapist and like you I feel it enhances the relationship and the therapy because we see each other as real, whole people. My shrink uses an approach that believes that self-disclosure can be very important when done properly. There are lots who would say that is unprofessional or against the rules, but the fact is that people will be people and also in this case there is a whole school and philosophy behind it. I could see that some people wouldn't want to know much about their therapist or might feel burdened if they did know. Some people want therapists to be neutral, objective, and experts. I just don't believe in that approach and actually have experienced it as bad for me. It makes me feel abandoned and like a specimen.

BTW on a side not I just did some research and in turns out that the steakhouse which I was talking about was actually destroyed by a fire about a month ago, so I guess I won't be eating there again .

I guess it was good that I got to go there a 2nd time last July for my 30th Birthday.

I asked Madame T if she was enjoying her new bathroom. It took only a second for her to work out how I knew. The debris of her old bathroom was out on the kerb.

Interesting, I actually know from Facebook that a former Group Therapist of mine recently got a new kitchen table, so if I was still seeing her I might have asked her about that.

I have little desire to know personal things about the therapist. I don't know why it would matter to me.

I just think that it can help enhance the relationship.

I think some knowledge is helpful, so you can feel connected, but you have to be careful because if you know too
much, you can waste a session on chit chat.

I like that my t and I have some similar interests because I need him to normalize that for me. My family didnt support my interests AT ALL; I felt they were even held against me, so its a problem for me in general. I mean, I am obviously not the only person in the world who likes certain authors or music or food. I shouldn't be made to feel like an oddball because I don't want pizza with 3 salty meats on it and 4 cheeses - I would prefer to poop tomorrow!

Attachment includes a desire to get closer. I don't think it needs any more explanation than that. Stopdog doesn't need to know because she is not attached.

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I think it depends on the situation.
There are some clients who spend too much time focusing on the T and not working on their issues.
It may also be used as a way to violate a T's personal space.

Some clients can learn things about their T and not be affected or obsessed about them. Sharing vacations etc. And perhaps that is useful as "chit-chat."
But clients who are obsessed about invading personal space or merging with their T need to have their energies re-directed.

The therapy should focus on the client and not the T.

Actually "attachment" does not necessarily mean learning more about someone. Harlow showed that monkeys were attached to a soft cloth, not the wire monkey with food.
A T needs to show empathy, warmth, and interest to create attachment, not necessary "feed" the client.

Exactly which is why doing things such as purposely driving by their house (which a few people on here have admitted to doing) or knowing the names of all of their children (without the Therapist telling them) does cross the line, but I think there are other things which don't cross the line and I believe are good in connecting during Therapy.

I can remember when I was in Group Therapy that the Therapist took a trip to London with her Husband and 2 young children but didn't really want to talk much about the trip beyond that.

I agree with this. My personal view is that only basic information, mostly as it relates to the person's work as a therapist, is needed. Anything more is a distraction, both from the client remaining focused on himself, and also from his ability to project feelings and thoughts onto the therapist.

It really also depends on the therapy. There are some approaches that encourage a kind of internalization of the therapist. The work to do that sometimes involves something that looks like it might be a "merging" but in fact it is to bolster self-cohension, and the therapist uses himself or herself as a way toward that goal, to be used so to speak by the client. Other approaches don't believe projection onto the "blank slate" is productive and so that is helped by self-disclosure which regrounds the client in what the reality of the therapist is. These are discussed and researched techniques with lots of people using them and refining them. I don't think there is just one rule that applies to all therapists and all clients.

I know bits and bobs about my T that he's shared casually in session - sometimes he's used himself as an example. Which I sort of find hilarious as I do the same thing for my students when I'm teaching. I also know a few things about him as I work with one of his former co-workers, and I've recently met/befriended someone who turns out is one of his current coworkers! hahahha. Joys of smaller cities. Just waiting for when I randomly end up meeting his wife and then find out that she's his wife. With my luck, that will definitely happen. I don't know her name or what she looks like, and I rarely ask people their names. So it could most certainly happen in my life. LOL!

It doesn't bother me to know more about him, and I wouldn't be upset if I didn't know it. I find it amusing and it lets me knock him down a peg or two when I am getting nervous (the stories I do know, from him and others, aren't the most flattering stories!). But I don't respect or like him any less for it - if anything, he sorta resembles a lot of guys I've been friends with in the past, and reminds me a bit of the students that I tend to work the best with.

I'll give an example that shows how I was bothered by a "close encounter." I had a "female problem" so I went to urgent care. When the assistant said my doctor's name, it was the same name as my shrink so I assumed that she was just confused by my chart.

Well, I was wrong, terribly wrong. It turned out that it was my shrink's ex-wife that came in. I texted him to ask because I was very uncomfortable about having a pelvic exam by someone he was married to. It just freaked me out a bit, at least at first.

Then I just realized that it's a small town. The doctors all know each other. They're all professional and it really doesn't matter. I think I was just generally uncomfortable about the situation, both having the problem and then having to meet someone he obviously had a difficult time with.

I have to disagree with that, I go to Therapy for someone who I can talk to and relate to as a person, not someone to just act completely depress around for close to an hour. Knowing things beyond very basic information (but at the same time not too personal) I think can enhance a Therapy relationship in ways that other things can't.

Yeah, blank slate doesn't work for me. I need to know T is a real boy. Someone I can have a real conversation with. Sure I wouldn't spent a whole session talking about him and we don't discuss his problems at all. All I know are some factual tid bits about him. It just helps to normalize it for me and I wouldn't be able to open up to a total stranger anyway.

I think it can enhance the relationship and support a feeling of connection, so make it easier to talk, AND I thnk it can be risky and begin to feel like a friendship, and subtlely bring in friendship elements to the relationship.

Yes, the main concern is whether or not you really get that it can't be a reciprocal relationship, no matter how close you feel or what you feel. It's a professional relationship with some real qualities, some cases more than others. But the bottom line is that it can't simply be a conversation in a friendly way. That's not doing the work of therapy. You can get that from friendships and loved ones. The benefit of the therapeutic relationship is that there aren't supposed to be any expectations or strings attached like there are in many other personal relationships. That gives you the freedom to take up space and not worry about the other person. If a client starts feeling like they are tailoring themselves to the therapist, then something is going wrong and that can be harmful. It does happen in subtle ways so sometimes hard to detect, but it's important to be alert to that and examine it if it comes up.

I think this is where I have a problem. It "feels" like a friendship with T. But I don't think it's because I know a lot about her. I think it's because of the way she is--kind of casual, laid back, warm, easy-going about everything. I knew more about my former T because I used to see her a lot in my community but it never seemed like a friendship with her.

I think each case is different; knowing personal information is good for some, and not good for others. I don't think I could tolerate a blank state T.

I absolutely love knowing things about my T (I finally just broke and asked her if she liked coffee, lol) but I think I prefer that all the knowledge i'm given about her comes directly from her mouth and is meant for me to know. That way I don't feel like i'm imposing on her personal life and yet we can still develop a somewhat close relationship. It probably helps that T does quite a bit of self disclosure, so I don't feel the need to have a power struggle with her about the little things. I do think that it completely doesn't matter or can completely enhance the client/T relationship to know personal information about T, without much room in the middle.

The blank slate idea has been challenged recently and very strongly. For many it actually can be harmful and cause decompensation. It is still used and taught, but many now reject it in favor of more of a relational approach. That approach is supported by attachment research and infant neuroscience. Not that the therapist has to be a caregiver, but that attunement and empathy has to be there at least part of the time. Self-disclosure can let the client know about the therapist's subjectivity, which is something the client is very attuned to usually. I believe the newer models toward transparency in the therapeutic relationship help a wider range of clients. There's research that shows that say working with a Latino population, there is more "rule bending" like accepting gifts, sitting closer, touch, and self-disclosure, mostly not out of theory but from accommodating the cultural difference. But it turns out that there is whole bunch of literature out there that supports these adaptations. They don't necessarily work for everyone. And so I think no matter what the beliefs of the therapist or the desires of the client, what matters most is what is in the general best interest. Not easy to tell all the time for either party. What's good about a good therapist is an ability to make mistakes and repair them. Staying flexible and humble should be requirements for the profession.

How? I am not trying to be snotty, I just truly don't understand what would need enhancing with a therapist or why.

[QUOTE=CantExplain;3423629]Attachment includes a desire to get closer. I don't think it needs any more explanation than that. Stopdog doesn't need to know because she is not


Indeed I am not. But I am not all that curious or wanting to know a lot about people in my real life that I am quite fond of. I figure if I need to know something for some reason, they will tell me, but most info people tell me about themselves is for their benefit, not mine. I don't mind, just that it does not matter to me.