[Daisymay]

I'd be really grateful if you guys can tell me what you think of this:

I had a break of several months from my long-term T. My choice - and I was fine. I only returned recently for a few top up sessions (phone sessions) because I was struggling a bit around the one year anniversary of when my Dad passed away. After a couple of sessions T seriously lost her patience with me. Thinks she needs to be harsher and use some distant tone with me or she is, in her words, 'enabling misery stories'. Well, I thought I was just grieving normally. She said some unbelievably unprofessional things.
I'm hurt, angry and upset. We tried to talk about this but she was so defensive and I felt she completely invalidated how I was feeling.

(She has done this in the past and another therapist told me her opinion was that this woman is not good. Her boundaries with me have always been all over the place. But my very strong attachment to her made it hard for me to see this until recently).

I then took some time and contacted her to say I was fine, had come through it all but I wanted to think about terminating the phone sessions as I now felt stronger on my own. She agreed a time for me to phone to discuss this so I went ahead and rang. She was very off-hand, almost dismissive. I thought I must have got the wrong number at first. She dismissed my idea that I felt I could now be my own therapist and move forward in my life without her sessions - if I can stay in touch now and then. She says I should stay with her because she's (apparently) a key person in my life.

Surely it's my call? If I feel stronger and have reached my therapy goals then she should let go so I can move on? I've been so pleased with all the strength I've found and positive changes in myself and the way I view life and deal with it - but she has crushed my confidence. She misunderstands what I try to say quite often and launches off into a verbal attack before I can explain further. I get confused and panicky and end up feeling almost psychologically tormented. I'm constantly saying sorry for things that are her responsibility and not my fault.

Why, apart from anything else, would I want to stay with a T who does that anyway? If I stay I'm afraid I might get another low spell one day and she would tear into me again. I think she is angry that I felt I didn't need her over the first part of this year and she is angry that I'd consider therapy finished now.

Am I missing something or has she lost it and I should definitely go? Should I find another T to discuss this with before I go any further - because I seriously feel emotionally abused by this finicky woman at the moment.

Thanks for reading.

[1776]

IMHO, you should find another therapist. You don't see one to be abused.

[rainbow8]

It should be up to YOU when to terminate therapy, not your T. It sounds like you've been doing better without her and that SHE'S the one not wanting to let you go! I would suggest terminating with her, and if you need to see someone about your grief or anything else, to seek out another T.

[vans1974]

[QUOTE=Daisymay;3431796]I'd be really grateful if you guys can tell me what you think of this:

I had a break of several months from my long-term T. My choice - and I was fine. I only returned recently for a few top up sessions (phone sessions) because I was struggling a bit around the one year anniversary of when my Dad passed away. After a couple of sessions T seriously lost her patience with me. Thinks she needs to be harsher and use some distant tone with me or she is, in her words, 'enabling misery stories'. Well, I thought I was just grieving normally. She said some unbelievably unprofessional things.
I'm hurt, angry and upset. We tried to talk about this but she was so defensive and I felt she completely invalidated how I was feeling.

(She has done this in the past and another therapist told me her opinion was that this woman is not good. Her boundaries with me have always been all over the place. But my very strong attachment to her made it hard for me to see this until recently).

I then took some time and contacted her to say I was fine, had come through it all but I wanted to think about terminating the phone sessions as I now felt stronger on my own. She agreed a time for me to phone to discuss this so I went ahead and rang. She was very off-hand, almost dismissive. I thought I must have got the wrong number at first. She dismissed my idea that I felt I could now be my own therapist and move forward in my life without her sessions - if I can stay in touch now and then. She says I should stay with her because she's (apparently) a key person in my life.

Surely it's my call? If I feel stronger and have reached my therapy goals then she should let go so I can move on? I've been so pleased with all the strength I've found and positive changes in myself and the way I view life and deal with it - but she has crushed my confidence. She misunderstands what I try to say quite often and launches off into a verbal attack before I can explain further. I get confused and panicky and end up feeling almost psychologically tormented. I'm constantly saying sorry for things that are her responsibility and not my fault.

Why, apart from anything else, would I want to stay with a T who does that anyway? If I stay I'm afraid I might get another low spell one day and she would tear into me again. I think she is angry that I felt I didn't need her over the first part of this year and she is angry that I'd consider therapy finished now.

Am I missing something or has she lost it and I should definitely go? Should I find another T to discuss this with before I go any further - because I seriously feel emotionally abused by this finicky woman at the moment.

Thanks for reading.[/QUOT

I would definitely find a new T! One that respects you and helps you, if not I don't think counseling would benefit you! Best of luck!!

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Daisymay

...Surely it's my call? If I feel stronger and have reached my therapy goals then she should let go so I can move on?...Am I missing something or has she lost it and I should definitely go? Should I find another T to discuss this with before I go any further - because I seriously feel emotionally abused by this finicky woman at the moment.

Thanks for reading.

It absolutely is your call. Ts I know tell their clients can always return. I can understand expressing concern about a client's decision, and laying out their concerns for the cl to consider - but not telling the client what to do, and not telling the client to stay in therapy - if for no reason that a client forced to stay, and pay for what they don't think they need, isn't a good candidate for effective therapy. The whole thing is proceeding with a power struggle.

I can hear you are clear about the problems wtih this T, but seem a little hesitant not to have someone to talk to if the need arises. That makes total sense. I wonder if by hanging on, you really have someone to talk to? Does that question bring any clarity?

[Asiablue]

Nothing about that sounds healthy or therapeutic, i think if you found another therapist you'd be pleasantly surprised at how lovely it can be to have proper care.

[anilam]

I'd say terminate immediately and then (maybe if you feel like it) find a new T. I wouldn't wait around for more...:/

[Daisymay]

Thank you.
Syra, yes, hanging on was about having someone to talk to on a deeper level about things. The problem is that when I'm okay that is useful with her and helpful. She just doesn't seem to like me having problems! I think she thinks she should have cured them all by now!

One thing she says (and I can see this) is that I often talk about the same issue many times in a way that indicates that it's something I still struggle with. But I usually find this works for me if I get the right response. It's almost as though eventually I've talked it to death and it's gone and I've found my own solution. With her though, before I can get to that resolution she is jumping in with her criticism and then I'm feeling low about that instead or as well.

I really needed some nice peaceful end sessions with her which would give me closure.

Asiablue, you're so right, there are some lovely therapists out there. The other T I once went to for short term sessions was very professional and caring. She was the one who was alarmed when I told her about the other T I'm still having problems with. So I could go back to her (the good one!) for a while just to talk this over.

[archipelago]

I agree with all the comments. First of all you are the boss and she works for you (though not very well from what you have said). You call the shots and in this case you have several reasons to stop. You said you feel stronger and have met your goals. Also you have already decided to stop. She has invalidated you before and is now doing so by not respecting you wish to stop. That is not professional or therapeutic. In fact, the whole set of interactions sound kinda terrible. I wouldn't want to have a therapist play games with me. Life is hard enough without having to have extra mind trips laid on you by someone you try to get assistance from.

[Daisymay]

Thanks, archipelago. That just about sums it up!

[Karrebear]

Absolutely terminate with her and stay strong. You are making the right decision. This lady sounds awful and unethical and probably needs to be reported.

[archipelago]

By the way, I'm sorry about your loss. It is perfectly normal and natural to feel the anniversary as difficult. And it is part of the grieving process, which by the way is NOT pathological, but just human.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Daisymay

I only returned recently for a few top up sessions (phone sessions) because I was struggling a bit around the one year anniversary of when my Dad passed away.

This T sounds awful. Grieving is not a one year process. I would almost consider reporting her to the licensing board because it sounds like she has some big issues herself. As a T she needs to be able to sit through peoples sad stories with compassion for her clients, isn't that a big part of the job?!

[Daisymay]

Petra5ed, Karrebear and others, the other good therapist I once saw thought there was enough boundary violation and bad treatment there for me to report her. I didn't though. But I will talk with nice T again about all this when I can get hold of her to ask for an appointment. The problem about reporting it would be it would hang over me for ever. In a way I'd rather have a face to face tell it how it is session with her - in a controlled, compassionate manner (on my part anyway!!) But I will definitely get some advice. Thank you.

[Daeva]

Find another T!!! That women isn't doing you any favors or helping you. She is inconsistent at best. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You have every right to terminate!

[Syra]

[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Daisymay

...One thing she says (and I can see this) is that I often talk about the same issue many times in a way that indicates that it's something I still struggle with. But I usually find this works for me if I get the right response. It's almost as though eventually I've talked it to death and it's gone and I've found my own solution.

That's what I do too. I think about. some ideas come. I think about those ideas. Some seem good, some drop away, and then rinse & repeat until I feel settled. I wonder if this is the process they talk about in Focusing. Sounds like it to me, but I only just started with Focusing. If so, then Gendlin would say that is the process for effective therapy.

I really needed some nice peaceful end sessions with her which would give me closure.

Are you saying that you recognize her problems, but don't want to stop therapy on a bad note. You don't want to leave, and/or leave her, with bad feelings. that would make sense. I left a T with unfinished stuff (she stopped it but I don't think that matters) and it felt awful. Is that it?

Asiablue, you're so right, there are some lovely therapists out there. The other T I once went to for short term sessions was very professional and caring. She was the one who was alarmed when I told her about the other T I'm still having problems with. So I could go back to her (the good one!) for a while just to talk this over.

Sounds like a plan. do you ahve reservations about doing this?

[Daisymay]

Syra, I don't want to stop therapy on a bad note, that's right. I know unfinished business as you put it would torture me! I'm fine with the idea of going to the other T for advice - even if it's just one session. I know she would see me.

One thing I have been wondering about is that maybe my T's behaviour/harsh manner towards me recently was her (badly thought out) way of getting me to stop dropping back down into what she calls my misery stories - because if I'm going to go then I'll need to stop myself from doing that. But that still doesn't excuse her hurtful and unprofessional manner. And I'm already aware of how I can, if I don't catch myself, get pulled back towards old unhelpful habits in thinking. But, grieving is something else. I'm mostly okay with my losses now but like everyone else I get days where I'll suddenly feel sad about them.

Or (more thinking!) could it be she is aware of my past hurt from a series of bad and isolating rejection that I experienced as a child and that she thinks if she doesn't agree that I should end sessions and is at the same time less appealing to stay with then I can go more easily. Because I'll see it fully as my decision - no hint of what I might see as rejection. But that doesn't really make sense either as I made it clear it was my decision and I was wanting this.

I'm just trying to look at possible different versions from what might be her point of view. It would all still be a bit dishonest and questionable though - and unnecessary! I don't know.

I think this is maybe what happens when you've felt very attached to someone - part of me can't see anything bad about her. She could almost say or do anything and chances are I'd still think up some defense for her.

[healingme4me]

Would it be, the end of the world, to leave, this T, on a sour note? Why pay money, for this?
What if, the next session, is sour? What, about you, drives you back, to this one T??

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Daisymay]

healingme: I guess I'd get over it in time if I just left it all right now. You're right, there is no guarantee the next session won't be sour too - possibly even worse. What drives me back? I think it's because I've been so attached and developed a bond with this person in whom I confided and disclosed so much - much of it very painful. It feels a bit as though she never did care then if she does this to me now. I suppose I feel that if I could have that person just one more time then I'd feel it was genuine care and I could go in a better way.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Daisymay

...One thing I have been wondering about is that maybe my T's behaviour/harsh manner towards me recently was her (badly thought out) way of getting me to stop dropping back down into what she calls my misery stories - because if I'm going to go then I'll need to stop myself from doing that. But that still doesn't excuse her hurtful and unprofessional manner. And I'm already aware of how I can, if I don't catch myself, get pulled back towards old unhelpful habits in thinking. But, grieving is something else. I'm mostly okay with my losses now but like everyone else I get days where I'll suddenly feel sad about them.

Or (more thinking!) could it be she is aware of my past hurt from a series of bad and isolating rejection that I experienced as a child and that she thinks if she doesn't agree that I should end sessions and is at the same time less appealing to stay with then I can go more easily. Because I'll see it fully as my decision - no hint of what I might see as rejection. But that doesn't really make sense either as I made it clear it was my decision and I was wanting this.

I'm just trying to look at possible different versions from what might be her point of view. It would all still be a bit dishonest and questionable though - and unnecessary! I don't know.

I think this is maybe what happens when you've felt very attached to someone - part of me can't see anything bad about her. She could almost say or do anything and chances are I'd still think up some defense for her.

I agree with you. Myabe she had good intentions, but she sounds like it was hurtful the way she did that.

I also think it's your decision whether to spend your time and money with her. Decisions to terminate are not usually final (unless someone moved, or retired or something). The best way to get someone to return if they find they terminated too early, is to wish them well and tell them the door is always open to returning. Not putting them in a position where the T can tell the client I Told You So.

I totally get your feelings about being very attached to someone. My T started doing rejecting things after a couple of years and I still would have gone back to her if she would have talked to me about what happened. Rarely is anyone, including Ts all bad. My former T did some really good things that I'm eternally grateful for. It was hard to leave that - and it took me a long tie to realize that it wasn't what I thought it was. It gets easier.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Daisymay

healingme: I guess I'd get over it in time if I just left it all right now. You're right, there is no guarantee the next session won't be sour too - possibly even worse. What drives me back? I think it's because I've been so attached and developed a bond with this person in whom I confided and disclosed so much - much of it very painful. It feels a bit as though she never did care then if she does this to me now. I suppose I feel that if I could have that person just one more time then I'd feel it was genuine care and I could go in a better way.

Makes complete sense to me.

[Rive.]

You're right. If you feel you are doing fine without therapy, it is your call to stop. You don't even need another T to help sort through this mess with current T. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you in staying by making you feel weak and helpless. It seems she is the one who is dependent on the relationship and doesn't want to let you go, at least not on your terms. What she's doing, and how she's doing it, seems toxic and you're better off out of this relationship.

If you ever needed some T support in the future, it would also be advisable to seek out someone else..

[Daisymay]

Just wanted to post an update as I've managed to move forward into a much better place with this. I took a couple of days to think and then decided to see T again for a kind of post termination review - rather than go to the other T to ask her advice.

It was a good move because this time (maybe because now she knows I've left, I don't know) she was her usual self. She listened to me and I was able to sum up how the therapy with her had been helpful where it had been, but also where and how it had been difficult. She said she had often found it difficult to not see me as one of her daughters or as a friend (therein lay the problem then!) and admitted she had handled some things clumsily and that that would have been hurtful to me. It's not good that she didn't know how to handle her counter transference if that was what it was.

Something I can see is that her usual clients are short term. Never more than a year. She does short CBT work for people struggling with OCD, phobias etc and her direct, tougher method is maybe at times suited in those circumstances. I ended up with her accidentally really - she had been seeing one of my children for OCD and I'd got to know her. I think she should have referred me to someone else before I got very attached to her. I think a T (like her) who is trained and experienced in dealing with short term issues is not always able to care properly for someone with deeper, life long stuff. It's a different set of skills and approach. There was something about her that I liked and found supportive and helpful but then there was also often a kind of feeling of simply not being on the same page at times.

Anyway, so where I am now is that I feel we've cleared the air and I can go in peace as it were! I'm going to take the good things I got from her and leave it at that. I might send her an email in six months, a year to say how things are - but I wouldn't go down the route of having more sessions with her.

Thanks so much all of you

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Daisymay

Just wanted to post an update as I've managed to move forward into a much better place with this. I took a couple of days to think and then decided to see T again for a kind of post termination review - rather than go to the other T to ask her advice.

It was a good move because this time (maybe because now she knows I've left, I don't know) she was her usual self. She listened to me and I was able to sum up how the therapy with her had been helpful where it had been, but also where and how it had been difficult. She said she had often found it difficult to not see me as one of her daughters or as a friend (therein lay the problem then!) and admitted she had handled some things clumsily and that that would have been hurtful to me. It's not good that she didn't know how to handle her counter transference if that was what it was.

Something I can see is that her usual clients are short term. Never more than a year. She does short CBT work for people struggling with OCD, phobias etc and her direct, tougher method is maybe at times suited in those circumstances. I ended up with her accidentally really - she had been seeing one of my children for OCD and I'd got to know her. I think she should have referred me to someone else before I got very attached to her. I think a T (like her) who is trained and experienced in dealing with short term issues is not always able to care properly for someone with deeper, life long stuff. It's a different set of skills and approach. There was something about her that I liked and found supportive and helpful but then there was also often a kind of feeling of simply not being on the same page at times.

Anyway, so where I am now is that I feel we've cleared the air and I can go in peace as it were! I'm going to take the good things I got from her and leave it at that. I might send her an email in six months, a year to say how things are - but I wouldn't go down the route of having more sessions with her.

Thanks so much all of you

That sounds very nice, and like you did some very good work.