i'm finally starting to feel attached to my t.
:-)
it has taken a while... maybe six months... longer sessions are helping. i also had a bit of a spin out a couple weeks back. she was really very terrific. let me curl up on her couch while we waited for the crisis assessment team. i was kinda dozing in and out of consciousness for a couple hours... i could hear her tap tap tapping on her keyboard. that was kinda soothing. i have trouble with attachment irl. i say things on the net that i would never in one million years say irl. there was something i had been trying to tell her for a couple weeks now. she looked like... she didn't really seem so interested in hearing me talk about it. so i only told her bits and then i'd kind of taper off and she would change the topic. today i told her more. and she listened. and then... i felt kinda hazy and started really sobbing and stuff. i think that today was the first time she realised how really very important that topic was to me. i've been trying to bring it up because it really was very important. i guess she mistook it for another one of my diversions... i do have trouble getting to the heart of what is bugging me sometimes.

we talked about attachment. i said i have a pattern with attachment where i can only seem to attach to people who are going to hurt me. or leave me. or who are... far away from me (hence the internet). and i said it was a recurrent pattern in my life. and about how distressed i get with that sometimes. about how you long for someone to be closer and then when they are closer then you freak out about their being so close. well... i do. and so we talked about that. and it was good.

it was good.

:-)

[Soidhonia]

Hello good to har that your therapy is going well. Take care Soidhonia

[gardenergirl]

She sounds like a gem. I'm glad you've hung in with her and that you are feeling more attached. And that feeling more attached is seeming kinda okay now.

I'm smiling for you both.

gg

[Sarah116]

Awww I am so happy for you! As I travel from place to place and hear all of the sad, rough, hard Therapy treatments, it is nice to know that some are doing great! I hope it stays that way. God bless you!

[jacq10]

I'm really glad to hear that things are finally clicking for you ... I know how very important that is.
Take care

Thanks people.

I have an appoitment to see another therapist on Monday. I wasn't sure that things were working out with this one, you see. So I called him up and left a message for him to call, and a few weeks back now he called me back. I had had a bit of a late night... Stumbled home to bed at 6am I believe. He called near 12 and I answered the phone in a rather drunken state. Was trying to explain... He had no idea who I was or why I was calling. I was trying to explain... And I know I was really very incoherant.

But he had a hearty laugh and he seemed interested in meeting with me. Said we could see what we make of each other...

I'm concerned that this might distract from my current t. Because I do find it easier to attach to guys. Because my attachment to my current t is so fragile.

She is leaving for one month. She said what they always say 'I'll have a chat to x about seeing you while I'm gone'. Then a couple of sessions later 'We have decided that you don't really need to see x while I'm gone, but you can call her if you need her, okay?' And of course... I can't bring myself to say 'NO it is not okay'. But it isn't okay, it isn't okay, IT ISN'T OKAY.

So... I'll meet him on Monday... Preparing for her going away... Then in January... I'll need to decide what to do then. Okay?

[(JD)]

As long as you are upfront with both of them, and choose one or the other, there shouldn't be a problem. Any T that can laugh in a situation like that (awkward for both?) sounds worth looking into imo. I hope you found one who can care about and for you TC

Er...

I'll be upfront in January.

(((Sky)))

Thanks.

Though... Depending how much work I get done tonight and tomorrow... I might have to cancel the session on Monday any rate. I'm so busy between now and the end of the year.

[happyflowergirl]

Hi Alex!

I am glad therapy is working for you, attachment was and still is so hard for me too.

I also want to say is that I miss chatting with you. You do know me!

Hugs,

Babbling Happyflower- girl (who is crazy about her sexylegs T) LOL

woo hoo!!!!
((((((happyflowergirl)))))
good to see ya girl!

i miss chatting with you too.
i'm unable to chat at the moment...
politics etc and the rules have changed so if you get bunted for politics you can't enter chat :-(
i can enter chat here but only on my work computer.
i try not to chat at work...
so...
there it is.
hope you are doing alright...

just got a call to check that i would be attending my app. today. yep. i'm going to go.

he is a p-doc. i didn't realise that... thought he was a councellor or a psychologist...

even better.

i can get some benzo's while i'm there
(perhaps perhaps)
;-)

Went to see the new t today :-) I was stoked about finding out he was a p-doc rather than a councellor or a psychologist / CBT therapist...

The interview meeting went really very well indeed :-) I'm so happy about how it went :-)

Turns out... He works for a couple days a week in the public service doing... DBT. Excellent. Then he has a private practice where he does more psychodynamic stuff. Excellent. :-) Really great!!!!!

He said he would be happy to see me privately and he is happy to set a rate that I can afford (as little as $5 per session) and after some more chatting... He would be happy to figure out how to bulk bill or whatever to see if my health insurance can help us out a little more than that.

Great!

And... He said he was pretty booked up for the rest of the year so he will only be able to see me once per week until after the new year. Thats just perfect for me because of my deadlines and stuff anyrate. And the only time he could manage was perfect for me too...

The best thing was... He seems really nice. Gentle... But he has the potential for a bit of a tone so I'm sure he is capable of pushing too... And... He seems to know about the department I'm studying in (and he didn't know I was in that department before we met)... So that leads me to believe he might be fairly theoretically minded which is great for me... And... I said that I didn't want him to meet them and he said that was okay. He said that he has treated other people with this too though he isn't an expert probably the only expert in this country is this guy from Queensland anyways... Which is fairly far away... So...

It just seems about too good to be true.

That is what I've wanted for SO LONG NOW!!! Finally!!! And he was really terrific about giving me his details and saying to think on it and no pressure... No pressure at all...

But also that he would need to confirm the dx. Which scares me a little... How is he supposed to do that without meeting them? I don't want him to meet them :-( I don't want anybody to meet them :-(

But anyways...

:-)

It sounds too good to be true... I can't believe it...

This feeling will fade, won't it... To be replaced by all the crap inside me :-(

But really... I'm so happy for me :-)

Wow, that is so GREAT!!!! (I'm jumping for joy-- for you!)

I hope that "good" feeling will stay for a long time!

I'm really happy for you alexandra!

mandy

Thank you :-)

I'm so happy about this...

I've had trouble finding a t who is a good fit for me. Done a fair bit of CBT but that isn't so well suited to me. Had 8 months with a DBT t who I got on really well with, but she was always planning on moving on and I was fairly devistated when she did. Then a whole bunch of people I didn't get on so well with. I was starting to feel like it must have been me... It must have been me... But I'd remember the t I had for 8 months and I knew it was just that it is hard for me to find someone I really fit with.

Then some councellors... And they were lovely caring people. Lovely caring people... But I didn't really make progress on my issues because they didn't really know what to do with me...

Then some p-docs. Some were lovely. Some the fit was harder. But they were only around for about 3 or 6 months and then they would move on. I was really upset when one of them left for Canada. Well... A few of them actually...

And my current t (the one that the thread was first about) she is lovely but in terms of progress...

And so I can't quite believe it. I expect people to try and dump me off on someone else but this guy seemed happy about working with me. And he seemed so nice... I can't believe it. Do I need to pinch myself?

:-)

hopeful... And happy... And fairly scared. Scared... I get scared that people will feel repulsed by me... Scared that I'll be too much... Some of my feelings... And some of my thoughts (that I'd never admit...) Only... I'll have to admit them at some point...

Shame.

The biggest thing in my life. Shame and repulsion.

I so hope this works out.

At this risk of ranting on incomprehensibly...

Mentalization when the attachment system is active...

I've been reading about this. I guess I can be fairly 'rationally minded' in the sense of my 'work front' approach to things. Sceptical. Critical (not in a judgemental sense, but more in a questioning / sceptical sense). Thinking of arguments for and against. Weighing pros and cons. Digging out false dichotomies. Removing the judgement and telling a coherant narrative...

When I'm feeling 'okay' or 'good' or 'great' I can tell fairly coherant narratives with thoughts and feelings and past hurts and abuses even. I can think charitably of my abusers and appreciate that they didn't mean to abuse they were doing the best they could. I can feel compassion and sympathy for them while at the same time seeing that what they did wasn't so good because of its effect on me.

But in terms of in the moment relationship dynamics... It all goes out the window. Sigh. When the 'attachment system is active' they say in psychodynamic terminology. When I feel attached to someone. When I care about them. I'm not meaning friends here, though sure I have this with friends too a little... More in particular I'm talking about people I ***REALLY*** care about. If I really really like someone... If I really really care about them... Then things are different.

It is like... Lets say I'm waiting to hear from them. And I know they are busy. Normally I'm fine with understanding my friends can be busy with stuff and thats okay I can accept that while feeling a little sad I can't chat with them or whatever. But if I really really care... Then even though I KNOW they are probably busy I start to feel really intensely scared. They don't like me they hate me they are repulsed by me they wish I would just back off. When the attachment system is active all the abilities to be rational and calm just seem to go out the window.

I have a lot of insecurities. Show emotion and my mother would see a weakness to exploit. To laugh at me. To tell other people in a loud voice how I felt about something and aren't I stupid and lets all have a laugh at Alex. And my Father visibly recoiled from displays of emotion. Avoidant you see. And my Mother would have displays... And she would nut right out at him yelling at him and fists flying and stuff... I try not to be like her... I'm not like her... But parts... Are a lot like her. Internalisations of abusers apparantly. You spend a lot of time around people and of course you start to internalise them.

And in therapy it all gets played out... I was reading something about dynamics... Dynamical roles... Victimiser / Victim, Seducer / Seduced, one more... Dammit... Can't remember. Maybe it is like the drama triangle but this model had 3 aspects with a compliment to each aspect... Victim, persecutor, rescuer. Dammit I wish I had a better memory...

Can't verbalise sometimes. Just kinda throw things out there that can't be said can only be SHOWN in these dynamical ways of inter-relating... Play one role and something is thrown out there...................... Catch.
And caught by surprise............... They do.

And then what are they going to do with it?

(Feel repulsed and recoil?)
(Blame you for manipulating their emotions?)
(Hate you)
(throw up)

Or understand..........
...................And recast.

Please God.