Hard therapy session today

(Trigger for abuse stuff, SI stuff, suicidal ideation stuff etc)

Hard therapy session

First thing he asks - is there any fallout from the Boy leaving, did I have any other feelings about it? How was I dealing? I said "fine" which, to his credit, he now understands as "not fine". But I said I'd get over it. Then he asks me how I feel about my roommate leaving. So I tell him about how everyone who meets her doesn't exactly get along with her. How she's been described as mothering, controlling and just generally has a toxic personality that has slowly made me insane and degraded my self-esteem.

Also talked about how my weekend went. Got to Saturday of all days when I came in with the intention of discussing what happened on Sunday (where I stayed in bed all day and avoided everyone and didn't eat at all). Then he made me go back to the abuse thing because I happened to say something about HIM. Gah. I'm dumb. HE was actually being nice to me, and I was saying to T how we had some stuff in common. Dammit. I need to forget what HE did to me already. Just bury it, please.

Then...

Stupid T made me go over some more of the stuff from the abuse thing. Phooey. Didn't make him happy by not crying. Also supposed to believe everything wasn't my fault. Ha. Tried the whole "he took advantage of you, he was the adult in the situation, it was not your fault, you did nothing to deserve it, you didn't ask for it" thing. I don't believe him. Someone 'splain to me why I think counselling for this (specifically abuse counselling) will be beneficial when I don't believe the T I've actually gotten to know him for a long time and kinda like and trust a bit?

Hehe. I slapped the table a few times. He didn't understand how much pleasure I got out of doing that. He said that me doing that was an indication of how mad/upset I was at what we were talking about - so I told him, no this is what I do to calm myself down. He didn't look happy about that. I told him that whatever I do to myself - it has to leave a mark, it has to do me detriment for it to be considered self-injuring. I have a feeling he won't let me do that ever again.

So then we go through the "you're allowed to express emotions" and that the room was a safe space and all that.

Spent over half my session with my eyes closed. So I wouldn't have to look at him. He kept speaking in this low voice. Very comforting. Reminded me of someone. Was nice. But didn't help much.

So then he wants me to let that little girl inside of me out. Which, btw still weirds me out a bit. But yes, she didn't want to come out. Okay, I didn't want her to come out. She expresses emotion and holds all of my pain but believes I'm a good person and all that junk - and she's the one who's making me go to therapy. Which hurts. But I don't want her to come out, so I'm trying to tell myself to stop it - and of course, that's intellectualizing the situation when all my T wanted was for me to be emotional. So he tells me if it would be possible to just ignore the negative messages in my head and just believe all the stuff he tells me. He asks me why I'm in therapy, and I tell him that I have no idea. That maybe I just like to hear myself talk (me laughing). I say nope, I like coming to hear him ... which he responds with "well you know that will never happen where I'm the only one talking". He tells me that some little part of me believes I deserve help and wants to get over all of this stuff, but I don't know if I believe it.

He's repeating the same message over and over... "You're a beautiful person who has many gifts, who is loved by lots of people and who loves to help others and deserves to be happy and deserves to feel whatever emotions you want". Or he said something like that, I genuinely didn't want to hear it so I tried to ignore it. Guess it didn't work as well as I wanted.

Now physiologically - I didn't cry. Came damn close to having another anxiety attack though. Okay, my T is USELESS for calming me down. He does nothing. So my hands are quite literally shaking and I feel sick and I'm balling my fists trying to control the shaking - and I'll be damned, nothing works. So he asks me what's wrong, and I tell him it's anxiety. He says it's usually caused by some sort of threat. So he asks me if what we're talking about is threatening, if expressing emotions is threatening. I have no idea, it just happens sometimes.

I tell him I'm fine to cry by myself, but crying in front of someone else, or anywhere where I could could be seen by someone else is too scary for me. So then he asks what's the worst thing that could happen if I express emotions. I say "that you'll leave, that people will be upset with me, that I will hurt people". Wasn't fun to say that. He said he'd still be here if I was upset, I know he has been before - but what if I have a bigger emotional outburst? Everyone always leaves me.

He brought up that stupid word again... "abandonment". I hate that word. He knows it too. Always getting a reaction out of me by saying that.

I tell him I'm spacey. He asks me where I am - anywhere but here. Tell him that I've been this way for days now and I don't know how to get grounded again. How the only way it usually happens if I SI. I actually told him that I had been upset with him a few weeks ago, that I felt he was going too fast. He didn't respond to that I think.

So then I go around saying how all I wanted to do was cut myself into little tiny pieces or die. Or drink, I actually told him I wanted to go back to residence to drink.

By this time I realize time is basically up and tell him that it's about time I should go and asking why he didn't inform me of such. He said that he wasn't going to let me go unless he knew I was in a good spot and wouldn't harm myself. He said that I was important, and that if other people had to wait then that was okay. (He actually didn't have anyone after me). I told him it didn't matter since I was a waste of time, space and energy. Also said I was a burden. To all of that he says, "maybe you should let me decide that". I tell him that I'm going to go so he'll not be wasting his time. So he asks again if I felt safe to go. I tell him that I'm telling him that I am fine so he is free. He tells me that wasn't the answer he wanted. He wants the truth. So I say nothing. A few more minutes of random talking (about my friends two sisters) and then I'm allowed to go.

He knows I'm back this afternoon with a friend because I'm watching my friends two younger sisters while she's in therapy with my T (I go to a counselling centre on campus, so T's are shared amongst students) so he told me to not do anything to harm myself (and included eating a proper meal - what do you know, he learns... I told him I wouldn't eat otherwise) ... and that he'd see me for a few minutes at 1pm. So I have 2 hours now.

... I feel like crying now. And I can, since I'm alone. Why does everything have to hurt so much when I talk to him? Phooey.

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canders7 said:
(Trigger for abuse stuff, SI stuff, suicidal ideation stuff etc)

.. I feel like crying now. And I can, since I'm alone. Why does everything have to hurt so much when I talk to him? Phooey.

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Because what happened was so hurtful and because you know deep inside that he will not hurt you. Also, that what you want is that safe person to care about you because you want to let out that hurt.

It doesn't happen all at once, you will go at your internal body pace and let things go when it's time. Sounds like your session today was a very good one and that you have quite the smart T who knows what to say and do.

It will be painful, but you can get through it. Keep up the good work!

Tranquility

((((((((Christina))))))))

Wow.. Sounds like a difficult session.

((((((((Christina))))))))
Hugs to you gentle ones,
your session even though hard as it was sounds like it was a productive one. Your T sounds like someone who understands you and is caring and taking it slow for you. I know being there at the time it is hard to see that, and sometimes makes you want to scream. But from this side of the conversation he cares alot about your recovery!

((((((((((Tranquility)))))))))))))))

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Because what happened was so hurtful and because you know deep inside that he will not hurt you. Also, that what you want is that safe person to care about you because you want to let out that hurt.

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Thanks for that. I hope he doesn't hurt me. If he does, I won't be able to stand it. But all I think is that he will. I do want to let it go, but it scares the crud out of me. Sigh. If this is what therapy's about ... it's hard work.

Thanks

Thanks ((((((((((((((EV)))))))))))))))

It was. I don't know what to make of this process right now. It's like my brain is trying to run away from all that happened. So now the only stuff I remember is in this post (I guess I should be glad I write too much )

Thank you

((((((((((confused4ever))))))))))))))

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I know being there at the time it is hard to see that, and sometimes makes you want to scream. But from this side of the conversation he cares alot about your recovery!

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Oh I wanted to do more than scream. I wanted to cry and run the heck out of there! Thank you ... I know he cares, but that in itself still confuses me. How can he care... I dont know.

thank you

(((Canders)))

It sounds to me like your T is very caring and you and he have a really meaningiful relationship. I can relate to the hurt, it sucks. I can also understand having to stay a little extra until you are in a better place emotionally. That has happened to me as well. I have "spaced out" and become anxious during session and my T has said the same as yours did, and he asked me what the trigger was in our conversation.

Be good to yourself. Keep feeling even though it hurts. You wll come through the other side.

(((((((((((((sister)))))))))))))))))

I like your picture.

He seems to keep me after session a lot lately. I feel really bad since there might be other people waiting. I don't want to waste his time. I just seem to space out in general now, it seems more often than not that I just completely dissociate. (Although I did take a dissociative test thingie a year ago and was within normal ranges... weird. ) I just hope he puts up with me and my crazy behaviour. I certainly feel crazy.

Thank you

(((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))

I care. You matter to me.

Love and hugs,

Jan

(((((((((((((January))))))))))))))))

Thank you. I love you my wonderful friend. Thanks for the understanding. It is so much appreciated.

Hmmmmmmm... also forgot to say that he told me to drop in a few hours later for a few minutes to check in.

So I behaved myself, didn't do anything to myself SI-wise and I actually ate (which he asked me to do).

So I get up the courage to tell him that I am more than willing to make the phone call to the abuse centre. He didn't know I was humoring him before and actually had no intention of doing it. I told him that I had to do this for myself, that I had to just get over and through this - whether I liked it or not.

Then I asked him if he was trying to get rid of me. He told me no, but he wanted other measures/people in place to help me. Mostly because as of September he'll have more clients and he won't be able to see me every week. Which sucks. I might not even be able to see him every two weeks. That scares me. Like he'll forget about me if he sees me only once or twice a month. So then I ask him all sorts of questions about my fears about phoning/going to see someone at the abuse centre.

Like... "What if they don't like me", "what if I don't like them", "would T be mad if I didn't get along with either of the two people he recommended", "what if I don't trust them", "what if everything moves too fast and I can't cope", "what if they give up on me".... what if they leave me?

And the only one he answered was that he wouldn't be upset with me if I didn't like either of the two people he recommended. He said that it was up to me as a client to find someone who I had the best relationship with.

He said we'd probably talk about my other questions next week when I see him. So now I have to wait a week with those questions on my mind. Phooey. And make the appointment. I think I'm going to do it before therapy next week so if I have a breakdown that I can go in and talk about it with him. Still scared though.

What happens if the receptionist that answers the phone thinks I'm an idiot? What if I can't answer her questions? What if I get scared and hang up? What if she asks too many questions?

Phooey. My brain doesn't like shutting up much.

Canders,

I can relate to running out of your session, I did. I left my therapist totally shocked by doing this and then had a melt down at home and ended up cutting and self medicating myself. He called me and apologized for making me angry, but said we needed to talk. He told me that no matter how angry I am at him, I have to not leave his office that way, not until I am safe, even if it meant sitting there and not saying a word for the rest of the session......it is hard work, healing. But each little step is closer to you being free.

(((((((confused4ever))))))))))))

I don't think I can ever leave a session. I wouldn't be able to show my face again in therapy again. I know he does it so that he's sure I won't do anything bad to myself ... but I still would have loved to leave. He told me I could if I really felt the need to... but if I ever did, we'd have to talk about it the next time, and I really don't want that.

Thank you