I am struggling at the moment to come to terms with a revelation. It is not new news, rather old news. T told me pretty early on that my ex was a psychopath but I didn't want to believe it. Especially when t told me she never loved me- it hurt like hell but recently I read a book about psychopaths and it all makes perfect sense. She was evil but I couldn't face the truth and believe that I let evil get that close to me. My ex girlfriend followed all of the steps that a psychopath uses to prey on their next victims. T didn't tell me this as I think when I didn't respond and refused to believe she was one, t let it go but she has been going through all the steps with me, unbeknownst to myself.
Now that I can finally see what happened and realise I am not crazy or a bad person as t had been patiently telling me for the past year. I feel relief but also disgusted at myself for allowing her to do all of that to me.
I don't know how to bring this up with t with out looking disrespectful, as in I believe you now because I read a book. Does anyone have any suggestions, all welcome


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[Asiablue]

i don't think she'll see it as disrespectful, i think she'll have a "Hallelujah!!!" moment lol she'll be glad you finally see it and it will open up more discussion.

[Chopin99]

I think your T would just be happy that you've had the revelation you did. I don't think she'd care that the book caused the realizations you've come to. My T has patiently waited for a year or more for me to realize certain things, and when I did, she didn't care how I came to see the light, she was just glad I finally saw it.

[stopdog]

Why do you need to mention it to the therapist at all?

[elevatedsoul]

what was the name of the book? i experienced something similar... which i've known but at the same time trying not to think thats whats wrong with me, im sure it pushed alot of my "launch" buttons though, maybe this book would be good for me to read too

i would just be honest with your T and tell about the book you read and how it made you feel

The book is called Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, & Other Toxic People.
It is absolutely brilliant, like it was written for me. I never realised what pattern they take but it chilled me to the bone how spot on she followed this pattern. I hope you find the book helpful Elevated soul


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I need to tell her because she was right all along its just I didn't or couldn't hear it.
She is brilliant, my first t blamed me for everything and felt sorry for my ex, so I am axed at how different training and even different ts operate and do so much harm

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[elevatedsoul]

thanks a bunch im gonna have a read if i can get my hands on it hopefully it can help

it sucks going through a relationship to come out on the other end looking like a huge questionmark, worse when years pass and its caused you to be confused about your own identity even...?

i've only been to therapy a few times so im still new to it but im nervous / scared that its just going to make it worse, if i can just talk about this relationship i had and see if i can figure out why its still bothering me after so long i think i would be content and able to handle/ move on from where i am at with the other problems on my own

im hoping i have a good T so i dont have to suffer much - i still cant figure out her angle

it sounds like you have a good T now and she should be excited/happy about your revelations , i dont think you have to apologize to her because its not easy accepting these things sometimes and i think they are suppose to understand that and be patient? i would take the book with me as incentive to make myself talk about it

[UnderRugSwept]

I think it's one of those things you need to come to terms with on your own, bit by bit, piece by piece. I have an ex with narcissistic personality disorder (a very bad "textbook" case; he hurt me quite a lot for many years), and my first T kept saying he was just a "jerk." I was young at the time, but KNEW it was more. Once I got more insight from the next T I saw, I was able to see it better...but reading a great book on the personality disorder really made it easier for me to understand it. I am angry with myself for putting up with his crap for so long!

In your case, I imagine taking in the idea of spending so much time with a psychopath must be very hard for you to digest and also extremely painful since I am sure you had much emotion invested. I imagine almost anyone's defense mechanisms would go up straight away at the idea! Until you were able to see some of her behavior resonate with the book's examples and explanations, it could only be so real for you. It sounds like you are still coming to terms with it (and doing a great job); I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I know your T will understand your journey and how you got to this point. I think she will be very proud of you! ((safe hug))

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

thanks a bunch im gonna have a read if i can get my hands on it hopefully it can help

it sucks going through a relationship to come out on the other end looking like a huge questionmark, worse when years pass and its caused you to be confused about your own identity even...?

i've only been to therapy a few times so im still new to it but im nervous / scared that its just going to make it worse, if i can just talk about this relationship i had and see if i can figure out why its still bothering me after so long i think i would be content and able to handle/ move on from where i am at with the other problems on my own

im hoping i have a good T so i dont have to suffer much - i still cant figure out her angle

it sounds like you have a good T now and she should be excited/happy about your revelations , i dont think you have to apologize to her because its not easy accepting these things sometimes and i think they are suppose to understand that and be patient? i would take the book with me as incentive to make myself talk about it

I hope ou find the book as useful as I did in putting the pieces together.
Something about the whole experience shakes you to the core and makes you question everything when it's over. I really loved her and believed she loved me but someone who loves you wouldn't treat you so badly and what made it worse and more confusing was the way she intentionally hurt me and made me think I was going crazy. I actually thought I was a psychopath because she kept telling me I was crazy.
it takes a ong time to get through it, its been three years for me but mine was complicated because we were in the closet and I had no one to talk to or even tell what was happening to me.
Can I ask how long it is since you have been in the relationship? It's scary the way they work. I knew at the start she was making me fall in love with her but I was very young and it was my first relationship so I didn't see any red flags or abuse and even know I find it hard to believe she was abusing me, sexually and emotionally and physically.

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

I think it's one of those things you need to come to terms with on your own, bit by bit, piece by piece. I have an ex with narcissistic personality disorder (a very bad "textbook" case; he hurt me quite a lot for many years), and my first T kept saying he was just a "jerk." I was young at the time, but KNEW it was more. Once I got more insight from the next T I saw, I was able to see it better...but reading a great book on the personality disorder really made it easier for me to understand it. I am angry with myself for putting up with his crap for so long!

In your case, I imagine taking in the idea of spending so much time with a psychopath must be very hard for you to digest and also extremely painful since I am sure you had much emotion invested. I imagine almost anyone's defence mechanisms would go up straight away at the idea! Until you were able to see some of her behaviour resonate with the book's examples and explanations, it could only be so real for you. It sounds like you are still coming to terms with it (and doing a great job); I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I know your T will understand your journey and how you got to this point. I think she will be very proud of you! ((safe hug))

I get the angry feelings, they are so powerful at times. This is where our part comes in though. Why did we let them do this to us. I know I did because I was starved of any affection and then along came a psychopath and fed off my empathy and vulnerabilities and bombarded me with affection and presents until I agreed to move in with her, then she withdrew sexually, emotionally and every way. I knew something was wrong with her but she always said it was because of the abuse when she was younger.
I am sorry about your ex, sounds as though you have came to terms with it and come out the other side with more self respect and determination to be respected in a relationship.

[elevatedsoul]

certainly, i was young when i met her too (17years) but mine was an online longdistance relationship ordeal - 4 years together , 3-4 years apart now.. sounds super similar to what you have said

i had(have) deep feelings for her, and i was convinced she had deep feelings for me.. she told me that she was in therapy and told me her dx was psychopath and i guess when you're in that position you just dont get hit with the full understanding until alot of bad stuff has already happened? she made me feel like i was going crazy as well.. i became paranoid and very jealous to the point where i didnt believe anything she was saying most the time (which was because she was lieing but anyway) and doubted myself all the time even.
to me it has been a crippling experience and one that i dont know how to recover from really, it messed my head up i think... i still send her emails from time to time because i tried to end it on good terms.. happy holidays, bday - things like that... (she responds sometimes, but its always short and i dont know what to make of it anymore.. feel like a fool) its just hard to believe that she could really be that inconsiderate though, but i guess i just made her out to be perfect because of my own problems :/ im not sure what more to add to that ... i dont really talk about it much, but im sorry that you experienced something similar..

I met mine online too. She was living in another county but moved here so she could keep a closer eye on me. She stalked me at first. I didn't even have any feelings for her and at the first date I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship, she cried and threatened Sui, I felt so bad but didn't know what to do as it was my first relationship with male or female. She text constantly, would show up in my work- she drove miles if I didn't answer a text, she would ring my work to check I was there and not seeing anybody else. I never told her where I worked- she checked online. I guess there were huge red flags but I didn't trust my instinct, I did think this is not right. She was older by nearly ten years and have many other partners so I trusted her.
When you say your girlfriend was in therapy, do you know this for a fact? I ask because t said and I read that psychopaths will not go to therapy unless forced and only then will stay for one or two sessions, as they lack empathy or any remorse.

I am not doubting you, just curious my ex told me she went to therapy too, I did believe her but I don't now as everything she said was carefully constructed for me to feel sorry for her. She was always the victim in relationships- others cheated and abused her. As it turns out she cheated and abused them.
Elevated, I am sorry you went through similar. Perhaps of you talked about it, with a t or here if you like it could clear up some of the confusion that you feel after being hit by a psychopath.
Me and my ex have no communication after she was done with me and moved on to the next victim- for this I am grateful now but straight afterwards I didn't understand how someone could be so cruel if they loved someone but truth is she never loved me because she can't love anyone.
I am worried because after Christmas I will have to see her again and this scares me because it is out of my control

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[elevatedsoul]

hmm, well i dunno if its the same for you but sometimes it feels like i didnt even know her or dont know who she is.. so i dont know for sure that she went to therapy, or that any of the events she told me even took place... like you said, maybe she was just trying to hurt me, she told me herself that she was psychopath and her therapist told her she shouldnt be in any relationships because of her present emotional instability ? but maybe this was her trying to push me away in an attempt to not hurt me anymore..? and maybe she didnt go to therapy and was just trying to tell me that it wasn't ok to be in a relationship with her? she "broke up" with me more times than i can count... and i guess my personality type, just coming back to her confused .. i still can't beleive that she is or was psychopath, but then i wonder if any of the things she told me transpired... like her new job and being busy into the late hours of the night doing paper work for the next day, or her parents situation, i find myself wondering if these things all were a type of excuse, or some kind of manipulation, it almost feels like i was put under a spell, witchcraft or some sort of thing beyond my understanding or control..? halfway through our rocky relationship she stopped speaking english and started using her native language, which i taught myself just to continue speaking to her i guess

it feels like it was yesterday... but i know its been years, thats one of the things i cant understand too.. kind of feels like everything that happened to me, re-happens everyday in a sense, i dont think i handled the breakup well myself... because i was completely dependent by then.. and me trying to be the big guy and putting a smile on and just sayin you know what, its ok whatever it doesnt matter etc etc - i know things wont and cant go back and i dont want to go back but i just want to understand really, i was already broken before meeting her .. i think my shards have been scattered throughout space now

she was 5 years older than me, but saying all this makes me feel like im saying too much and am going to get "caught" or discover the person im talking about, i wish there was an easy button

i doubt myself anymore, mixed memmories ;

anyway im not trying to hijack the thread it sucks to trust someone more than yourself and then burnt to ashes

why is it that you have to see her again? if you dont want?
i hope this year has improvements instore

ps: sorry if none of this makes sense, it doesnt make sense to me no matter how many times i read it