How important is the relationship for you?

My therapist says "the healing is in the relationship"

I am healing from a painful past and from acting out in the present, so the things that happen in caring relationships: empathy, witnessing, validation, encouragement, teaching, consistency, and even fun, are all essential to me and I know I am fortunate to have found the right therapist to help create this healing relationship.

I've seen five counselors/therapists in my lifetime, for a total of about four years worth of therapy. Only two of the relationships have been strong and positive, two others were neutral, and one was negative. The first positive relationship lasted only a few months and was with a high school counselor about 23 years ago. That woman helped me completely transform my viewpoint, my life, my future. I love her deeply, was so inspired by her. The second positive relationship is this one: it couldn't happen if my therapist did not also have skill and training, but not just anyone with skills and training could be my "good enough" therapist. It is a great comfort to have a healing therapeutic relationship, I've found nothing else quite like it, in the absence of good parenting.

I think it's definitely possible to speak about therapeutic topics to others! I've opened up to my husband about some and to a lesser extent in-laws and close friends, I also was involved in volunteer hotline work (youth/crisis hotline) and many of these types of serious issues, both our own personal histories and related issues were part of the conversations my friends and colleagues had. I also previously discussed painful things in support groups, which was good practice, probably, in transitioning to serious discussions outside therapy.

I find it very healing to discuss the hard things in real life- it makes my life more authentic. Of course, it's important to do it properly, I don't dump serious issues on acquaintances, or just disclose anything anytime with family. But done right, it's a good thing!

P.S. My therapist has told me she does think of me between sessions, I am positive she's not the only one who cares about clients outside the paid hour!

That might explain it even better. So if i sign up for a personal trainer to explain how gym equipment works, then i spend the whole time listening to my ipod. They may be doing an excellent job - i'm not doing my assumed half. There's no law against my not doing my half - i'm just curious now about why i am not, seein's how i went to the trouble of hiring a personal trainer, and now i'm effectively sticking my fingers in my ears and going lalalalalalala. You shoulda seen our happy new year texts last night! My poor t!

Eta: catching up on posts: i think i might be coming from a different place? I am pretty alone, and i dont have successful relationships. I see friends now just a few times a year. I have acquaintances around the apartment complex. And the various store people know me. those arent exactly deep relationships But they're better than nothing. And i have a knack for connecting with strangers, like on the bus, that is oddly satisfying.

Anyone with whom I care about is important to me.
T has shown me so much kindness (can't buy that) that of course our relationship has become important to me.
Feelings are what they are. I'm not a sociopath.

As an aside, I'm curious about this - why? Was it that you were rejecting him or being hostile, or the opposite and really wanting him? I read on the other thread you guys texted (I did with mine, too) and while I got that you had mixed feelings about it I thought the tone of your post made it sound overall like a useful thing for you Of course this could well be too private to discuss on here and I understand completely if so!

I couldnt understand why he was texting me. it just felt so intrusive, even tho i knew it was coming, altho i expected it wednesday day, not tuesday night. I wanted to know what he was doing but felt i couldnt ask. I mean, who texts somebody from a party that they know is alone? How rude is that?? Thats what it boils down to. Thanks for dragging that out of me! hes gonna get an earful next session! At least he didnt ask me to dogsit like somebody else on here, tho that wasnt their t, it was a regular person. But still! We need to rise up.

I have had very good relationships with my therapists, but I'm also very easy to get along with IRL. My last therapy was about the relationship itself, and that is really what I needed.

Relationship is important for me in whatever setting I find myself in. In church, family, work . . . With the physicians I choose to work with long-term . . . With my students . . . Anyone I interact with regularly, the relationship, the ability to interact meaningfully according to the purpose of that relationship, is important to me.

I have no problem just dealing with people as a paid service if the encounter is just short-term, but in situations where our interactions are regular, I find the relationship most important.

That does NOT mean I get all buddy buddy with everyone. Relationships vary from purpose to purpose. I think it is important to have the discernment to recognize and respect that all relationships cannot and should not be the same. It would be completely inappropriate to try to have a relationship of friendship with my students, but perfectly appropriate to become close friends with my choir buddies.

In the same way, my relationship with my therapist, while "intimate" in the sense that I share things with him I do not share with others, is still a professional relationship. We get along well and genuinely like and respect each other as individuals, but it is not truly a reciprocal relationship. He will never be, and should never be, my best friend, my parent, my lover.

What you wrote definitely makes sense, I actually think the same. But this makes me think about how much T (and the relationship) means to me and how "dependent" I've become even though I don't show it. I never contact T for fear of negative reactions because I couldn't take the rejection. So I force myself to think I'm just a number and have to leave her alone. I guess I'm trying to protect myself. But sometimes I feel these strict thoughts damage the relationship and my perception of T a little, making me assume she wouldn't listen or would be annoyed even if I was in real need, without even trying! I'd like to process this one day - if I don't speak, T can't help me. Who knows.

This is such an interesting thread. Thank you for starting it.
It is probably the most important thing for me currently and for the past six or so months when I have experienced so much turmoil, deaths in the family, operations, redundancy, and much more. So, while real life has thrown everything at me in 2013 I have clung on to the consistency of this relationship. However, I think I am now too dependent and it is the relationship itself that is causing me the pain now more than all the real life issues which I seem to be dealing with fairly well. I so desperately crave her approval and want a hug more than anything and feel totally pathetic and needy for wanting this. I too resisted contacting her out of session for about six months then when I felt so despairing the other day I reached out but didn't get the response I was hoping for.

This is such a big area for me. I still haven't resolved it in my head. I love her and need her but I know I am only a client and she is super professional with extremely tight boundaries and the more I show my need and bump up against these boundaries the more distant she is becoming. It's a very painful place to be in, especially as no one else knows I see her so I can't discuss this with anyone.

Thank you for starting this thread. It has been really good to read everyone's take on this massive subject.

I think it is very important and that is why it was so devastating to me when it ended badly. It took me three years to learn to trust him. I never trusted anyone before and doubt I'll ever trust anyone again. I have to learn to be ok with that.

It is important though for many of us.

The relationship is the most important aspect for me. In order for me to open up, I have to trust the person. In order for me to trust, I have to feel safe. In order for me to feel safe, there has to be a mutual connection. In order for there to be a connection, the person has to be important. So I actually forced myself to make my T important to me. Yes, now I'm in that wonderful circle of I need my T, I'm too dependent on my T, I want to get away from my T, back to I need my T to now help me deal with her....lol. This isn't my first experience with this, so I at least am prepared somewhat, but it doesn't get any easier...

My relationships with other people are rocky at best, this extends to my T as well. But through some sort of magic he seems to keep me "engaged"

The relationship is the most important thing to me. I generally have really good relationships with people, and do with my t also. She and i are very close and get along well.

The relationship is incredibly important to me in that I need to feel like I can trust T and that I feel comfortable talking to her. I've had two T's that I did not fully trust and did not feel comfortable sharing things with. They did nothing to encourage trust or try to make the relationship stronger, and I didn't make much progress with them. The T I have now thinks that the relationship is important and works to make sure that I feel like I can trust her. She helps me to keep the relationship strong and I've made a ton of progress with her.

I would say, I have had a good relationship with all of my T's. It's like having personal advisors in keeping me grounded in logic. I've covered a wide array of topics in therapy. I keep going, and stay with each one for years, at a time. Ended up with the T, that I have now, after my health insurance changed and I ended up out of therapy with the last one, that one, I'd had for 2 years. I've been in and out of T, with this one, since 2010. Any break, I've had has been more logistical, than anything.

I think she kind of gets it (but not completely). I don't idolise her. She's sometimes thought that I do put her on a pedestal, but that's not how I see it at all. I think that the way I feel would just be less intense in real life, therapy amplifies all sorts of things that would barely register in real life. Like the times when she's forgotten me (when I really, really needed help a couple of times), in the therapeutic relationship on top of the way I feel about her—ouch! It was always a tough way to find out that she doesn't hold me in the same regard. Even things like before the Christmas break and I was talking about how hard it is for me, and she volunteered "I don't want to be in touch with you over the Christmas break"—Ouch. In that way, I needed perfection from her, but it's not because I put her on a pedestal and won't accept her as being anything less than perfect. I've always seen her as just as human as the rest of as. I've always seen her flaws. I like her as much as I like her in spite of all of her flaws, in spite of all of our differences, in spite of all of the things she's done that have hurt me. I like her just for being her, not for being perfect.

I appreciate that you brought up this topic. It’s an interesting one and I think it’s important. It’s gotten to a stage where I’m not quite sure if this relationship will be the one thing that can save me (nobody else could have gotten through to me initially and I will be forever grateful and thankful for my therapist), but I’m wondering now if it was a mistake to continue with someone I like SO much. With other therapists, I came to really appreciate them as my therapists. I am thankful for what they did for me in therapy. Ending with anyone like that is quite heart-breaking for me, so few people know me like they know me. I miss the relationships and the connections when they are not there and a part of me would like to check in with them once or twice now and then. It’s not going to be like that with my current therapist. I don’t want to hold onto her (forever) because I want her continued therapeutic support. She’s just…not supposed to disappear from my life. It is something that is and always has been beyond the therapeutic relationship that is contained in that room. The therapeutic relationship is really special and she will always be the person who gave me that, but maybe I shouldn’t have continued with someone I instantly liked so very much. Before her, I’d never had that sort of connection with any person ever. I think most people are lucky to have that with one or two people in a lifetime, if they are lucky.

Ouch, that's got to hurt Nightlight- telling you that she didn't want to be in touch over Christmas! It seems kind of cold and unnecessary.
I don't see how it would be beneficial to you to deliver it like that or at all. After all therapy is about you and your best interests.
I understand this torment of liking your t too much. I was soo in love with my first t and became way too attached, It frightened me!
She realised what was happening when I emailed her that I loved her and terminated me. I was heartbroken and abandoned but it was probably best thing that happened because I couldn't do any therapy with liking her so much. I wanted her to like me so I censored everything.
It is unfortunate and ironic that the people we get attached to ts are the very people whom we start a relationship with knowing one day it will end and we will never see them again. It's devastating, especially when we have such a huge issue with endings

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I should maybe have hedged. I should have said "if it is impossible" - I know that some people can, and want to, talk to other people about these types of issues. I'm glad you are able to do so.

Yes it is important.

If T is being cold with me I feel like I am tellng all these secrets to the wrong person. In these moments, T reminds me of one of my high school teachers that nobody liked. Most of the time she is nice though.

I'm trying not to get attached emotionally so it won't be hard when I don't see her anymore. I know there's no way of continuing therapy with her once I go off to uni. Plus it's clear that I'm not at the top of her list (I guess she has way more patients worse off than me) so why should she be mine?

The entire time I've been in therapy I have fought against getting attached to my t or wanting a relationship with her - because I just knew deep inside that she would never reciprocate my feelings, and even if she did, it would never match my own attachment to her.

I was also afraid that if I got attached, I would need more than she could give me in the 60 minute session. Then I'd end up with her not being there when I needed her. And then I would feel hurt and abandoned. then I would tell her, only to find out that my expectations were excessive and unreasonable in the first place. Which would then lead me to feel even more guilt and shame than I already felt in having to ask for help in the first place. That would lead me to back off and detach from her, at which point she would encourage me not to detach. So I would start to trust and come closer again, only to end up needing too much from her again and being disappointed and, eventually, hating my needs.

Which is exactly how I felt with my mom. That my needs were a pain in the butt and an unnecessary intrusion into her day.

From my experience, I would say that the therapy relatiosnship IS the most important thing. And while it has helped me tremendously in some ways, it has been excrutiatingly painful in other ways.

Every couple of years or so, things get so hard in t that I seriously consider quitting.

PS - I realize that this "back and forth" dynamic may be necessary to teach me balance. But it feels like crap, and I'm starting to feel very weary of this. .. as it sometimes feels like a cruel game.

Thanks Peaches - I could have written this myself! I am at the point where I am hating my neediness. I have reached out and have been ignored too many times. She says it's her boundaries but it hurts so very much that I now think maybe I should just quit. I hate myself for continually trying to connect with her and getting nothing except a professional neutrality in response. I feel hurt and abandoned but then I think my expectations were unrealistic to begin with and my needs can never be met.

But I love her! I cant begin to imagine not being able to see her for 50 minutes every week (not a second more!) this is so painful and embarrassing. I am in my mid 40's I shouldn't be feeling like this?!

Maybe I need to back off and detach myself from her and see if that helps.

Thank you for your post. Sorry I am of absolutely no help whatsoever! Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Have decided I am going to write to her to tell her how I feel about her.