A lot of the time in therapy when my therapist asks me a question I feel like my mind goes blank and I say I don't know. I have told her about this but still I know it's frustrating. Like I am miserably depressed, but at the same time I feel like I'm all shut down and apathetic and it's hard for me to make an emotional connection and answer her questions. I have been socially anxious and extremely shy since I was a child, so perhaps that adds to the confusion in conversations. I feel like if I had a blank document in front of me I could sit in front of the screen and type for hours because my thoughts are so loud but then when I have to bring them out loud I just can't think of how to word it or my mind just shuts down and I forget or... can't draw specific examples to my mind. Like for instance, my therapist will ask me, when's the first time you had a negative thought about your body...? And I'm just sitting there thinking in a jumbled up way that I've always had low self confidence but I couldn't really think of how to answer it so I just said I don't know. Because I can't remember the first time. I don't know, perhaps something wrong with my memory or I'm just apathetic. But does anyone relate? I hope this makes sense... it's such a hard feeling to express...

[Yogix]

Please don't think you are alone in this. I say I don't know like I was born to say that. I, too, feel miserable inside but feel that I can't show it because I can't talk. I feel like my IQ drops 4000 points when I'm in front of T, and I just feel like I come off as tho I'm lying about just how badly I'm doing because I have no words to show for it. Please don't feel like you are alone. I truly, truly, sympathize.

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[neutrino]

I can definitely relate to that. I say "I don't know" a lot too and I know my therapist gets quite frustrated because of it. I know that it makes me come across as defensive and a bit passive so last time I saw him I finally tried to explain why I say "I don't know" that often and I hope he understood what I meant.

For me it's very difficult to translate my thoughts and/or feelings into something I can express in words that my therapist will understand. When he asks me questions my head is very often filled with thoughts that don't know how to translate into words. Sometimes there are so many thoughts in there that my brain just "freezes" and shuts down. The fact that I then tell him that "I don't know" does often not mean that I actually don't know the answer to the question (though that of course happens too). It just means that I can't communicate well enough or that I partly know the answer but that I can't express it because I fear that he won't understand me if I don't express exactly what I feel (the whole answer, not just a part of it).

It's a bit difficult to explain but do you know what I mean?

"I don't know" used to be my answer to everything in my sessions. My T didn't buy it. I came to realize for the most part he was right.

I discovered as he worked with me that I used "I don't know" mostly in avoidance. I was avoiding emotion--usually fear or potential embarrassment. I was avoiding looking at something that was hard to face. I was avoiding potential disapproval.

My T worked with me to observe what I was thinking (my fear or discomfort) about verbalizing the answers to questions, and I found (eventually) that recognizing why I was being avoidant took the power of that underlying fear away and I could actually answer those questions without total dread.

That doesn't mean that I always know the answers, but I've learned to phrase my "I don't knows" a bit differently. Now I might say, "I really don't understand what you are trying to tell me" or "I'm not sure I understand your question" or "I've never thought about that; I'm not sure how to answer". I've come to realize that if I can't make that kind of pointed response, I'm probably being avoidant. Then I try to slow my thinking down, take a deep breathe, gather my thoughts, and find the courage to verbalize what really is on my mind.

This is a very common problem in therapy, I think because we just feel so exposed. You might try having a talk about this with your T. It might lift some of the blocking you may be experiencing just by directly getting this out in the open.

[Favorite Jeans]

"Like I am miserably depressed, but at the same time I feel like I'm all shut down and apathetic and it's hard for me to make an emotional connection and answer her questions."

There's no "but" there the way I see it. Being miserably depressed is that shut-down fog of trying to find words and connect but nothing working quite right. How much does your T know about that apathetic feeling? If you express yourself better in writing can you and your t find ways to use that to your advantage? Maybe you can send emails or share journal entries or something?

[AllyIsHopeful]

You are definitely not alone! I still get like this at times, even though I have moved past that phase for the most part. It had to do with not completely trusting my T and having trust issues in general. I have also been shy my entire life. She really shouldn't ask questions that make you panic or struggle to find an answer to. Most people can't remember their "first time" for many life events and stages. It would probably be more helpful to ask "when was the last time you felt negatively about your appearance?" and so forth.
If you have an easier time writing out your feelings, perhaps it would help to do so? Maybe keep a journal or just type random feelings out on your computer or phone when you are feeling consumed by your thoughts. Bringing those in to your T will help her gain a better understanding of what the main focus should be and prevent from getting off topic or generalizing things.
Hope this helps, good luck.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

A lot of the time in therapy when my therapist asks me a question I feel like my mind goes blank and I say I don't know. I have told her about this but still I know it's frustrating. Like I am miserably depressed, but at the same time I feel like I'm all shut down and apathetic and it's hard for me to make an emotional connection and answer her questions. I have been socially anxious and extremely shy since I was a child, so perhaps that adds to the confusion in conversations. I feel like if I had a blank document in front of me I could sit in front of the screen and type for hours because my thoughts are so loud but then when I have to bring them out loud I just can't think of how to word it or my mind just shuts down and I forget or... can't draw specific examples to my mind. Like for instance, my therapist will ask me, when's the first time you had a negative thought about your body...? And I'm just sitting there thinking in a jumbled up way that I've always had low self confidence but I couldn't really think of how to answer it so I just said I don't know. Because I can't remember the first time. I don't know, perhaps something wrong with my memory or I'm just apathetic. But does anyone relate? I hope this makes sense... it's such a hard feeling to express...

[Nightlight]

I never used to let anyone see how I struggled and in therapy all I could say to any slightly difficult question was "I don't know". At the time it made me feel like I sounded so stupid. I didn't really understand why I couldn't answer simple questions and often I'd have all the answers spinning around in my head the second I walked out the door. The more my therapist pushed me (or even the more she gently guided me forwards), the more blank I would feel. It was like there was no answer while I was there. Though sometimes I realised if we just kept moving on with something else the answer would come to me and I'd manage to come back to the topic and then talk about it a little. I later realised (as I got better at talking) that I couldn't answer anything that made me feel even slightly emotional. It was such a risk for me that I'd just shut down completely. I was able to come back and answer those questions sometimes because somewhere in the background I’d distanced myself and my emotions enough from the questions that I could then answer without feeling emotional. Suddenly I would not feel blank and it was as if the answer was magically there and I could say it. It was so natural for me to project happiness. For the first time I let someone see the real me...and it wasn't easy at all!

Whatever the fear is that stops you from talking, I think it's the sort of thing that tends to improve a lot as you continue with therapy. After a long time of struggling along, I'd write some of the most difficult things down and hand over my writing during my sessions and that helped a lot. Gradually I just learned to talk. I'm seeing a second therapist at the moment and she seems perhaps slightly surprised about how honest and open I am about my feelings. I think it's because long term therapy isn't so common here as it's so expensive, and so someone in the public system (like this therapist is) is used to seeing people short term. That seems to suggest that it's quite common for people to struggle to open up in therapy.

[SoupDragon]

When was the first time you had those thoughts? Personally l think the question is too big. Ask your T when was the first time they ate chocolate, what did they first experience about its taste and texture and see if they can give a clear answer

l think it is easy to think our T's are always right and the fault in any difficulty we have in sessions, lies with us. In fact the relationship is about an interaction and sometimes IMO it is down to T asking the wrong question. Soup

[stopdog]

I don't often say I don 't know unless I truly don't. I do often tell the woman I won't answer because it looks like a trap or that she won't listen to my answer.

[granite1]

I don't know has been my stock answer when I am able to respond at all. my T has started to push me by saying yes you do you just don't want to talk about it. I agree with her sometimes but other times I don't know .I feel it does not help if she always assumes I do know .in T most times I am at a total loss as to what to say or how to act or what I want ,need or anything .

[A Red Panda]

I say it a lot when it comes to questions that are like "when did you first experience". I just draw a blank and am like "... umm always? I don't know." He actually manages to stump me with some questions - I guess I make a face when he asks one of those, and when it's followed with "I don't know?" he then re-explains what he's asking. Sometimes I say I don't know because I'm nervous, or it's actually "I don't know how to word this" or "I don't know how to answer that without thinking about it longer"... but it always just comes out as "I don't know?".

I put a question mark there because I know I tend to word it as a question. I'm not sure, and it makes me wonder why I'm not sure.

Usually those are the topics I'll end up thinking about during the week and I'll figure out the answer eventually.

[stopdog]

I have also said I don't know which answer to give - most of the time the therapist's questions can be answered in many different ways. So I will ask for clarification before responding. Sometimes I will say I need to think before responding and move on. A couple of times the therapist has tried telling me to respond anyway - but I hold firm.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

A lot of the time in therapy when my therapist asks me a question I feel like my mind goes blank and I say I don't know. I have told her about this but still I know it's frustrating. Like I am miserably depressed, but at the same time I feel like I'm all shut down and apathetic and it's hard for me to make an emotional connection and answer her questions. I have been socially anxious and extremely shy since I was a child, so perhaps that adds to the confusion in conversations. I feel like if I had a blank document in front of me I could sit in front of the screen and type for hours because my thoughts are so loud but then when I have to bring them out loud I just can't think of how to word it or my mind just shuts down and I forget or... can't draw specific examples to my mind. Like for instance, my therapist will ask me, when's the first time you had a negative thought about your body...? And I'm just sitting there thinking in a jumbled up way that I've always had low self confidence but I couldn't really think of how to answer it so I just said I don't know. Because I can't remember the first time. I don't know, perhaps something wrong with my memory or I'm just apathetic. But does anyone relate? I hope this makes sense... it's such a hard feeling to express...

omg, this is SO ME. i say that ALL THE TIME in therapy. i sound like a broken record, and i am sure it must be frustrating. my T said last time i saw her that me saying "i don't know" keeps me in a safe space, where i don't have to explore anything painful, and i guess she is right. i genuinely don't know when i say it, but my brain does the same thing, it goes completely blank and i can't think a single thought to answer the question she asked me. She mostly stopped asking me "where in your body do you feel that?" because i was so frustrated that i couldn't answer that question. It is interesting because my first therapist never said anything to me (in all the 5 yrs) about my constant "i don't knows." Then this T busted out with this tiny bit of insight.