[growlithing]

Okay. For those of you who do not follow me, I have a lot of therapists right now. I have been seeing my trauma T since mid-October. At first, we weren’t doing trauma work and we were instead doing DBT. As things progressed, T decided that I needed to do trauma work. She waited until I got into a DBT group before starting the process because she wanted to make sure I was getting that kind of support while confronting my trauma. The trouble is that have literally no attachment to her. If she were to call me or email me and terminate me right now, I wouldn’t actually care and I’m not just saying that as a defense. I’m not able to really open up and talk about my feelings and trauma T describes me as basically completely stoic. And if anyone has read my posts, I don’t think “stoic” would be a way to describe them haha.

I told LCM (my other T just to make things simple) that I was struggling talking about my feelings with this T in an email I wrote to LCM while feeling really lost and struggling with another unrelated situation regarding my living situation. LCM said she was really sad to hear about my problems and she called me. She asked me about my ability to be open about my feelings with TT. LCM said that maybe I just don’t respond well to TT’s methods and I need someone else. I said that the problem isn’t TT, it’s me. I have a really hard time opening up to people and that isn’t TT’s fault at all. I just can’t talk about my feelings with anyone at first. I feel comfortable enough to force myself to talk about unpleasant things, but not in an emotional way at all. I just report what happened and state how my life is going. She said that a good T should be able to make a client feel comfortable enough to talk about their feelings, she was able to make me feel comfortable, and that I’m blaming myself too much. I told her that the only reason that she was able to make me feel safe enough to be open was because we met while I was extremely vulnerable and then I saw her in a residential setting which expedited the process. It took me two years to be able to even admit to having feelings with my old T. LCM said that I could be right, but I also need to remember that my old T is an intern and that I’m still taking on too much blame and that she worries that I just blame myself for everything.

Now, I know that most people on here are at least a little bit uncomfortable with my relationship to LCM. That’s fine, but I trust her as much as I can trust anyone and I love her. I mean who else do I have in my real life to turn to? But all of that aside, does she have a point? Is the fact that I don’t have any attachment to TT and that I’m not able to talk about my feelings with her my fault or hers? I don’t know if she’s right to say that maybe I should try finding a different person to work with. I think it’s too early for me to tell that and if it is a problem with me, then I should change. LCM just worries that I won’t be able to do effective trauma work if I can’t talk about my feelings which is true. I don’t know. I'm confused.

[growlycat]

On the one hand, four months in trauma therapy isn't a lot of time. However, your LCM may be right--a good T will put you at ease at least in the beginning of the relationship. If there is no warmth, then attachment is hard to come by.

In my own experience, both T's have given me a "good vibe" from almost day one. I got kind of a spark of hopefulness that "hey, this might work out".

Is there another T that you can interview (or a few) so you can see if you feel a difference?

[Arha]

I still struggle to say things to my T who I have been seeing weekly for more than a year. He says it does not mean therapy isn't working, because Ii am still processing things, even though I don't say them all.
It does depend on the type of therapy though.
He tells me that I use the term fault too much, and generally blame myself.

[Bill3]

Consider discussing these ideas with TT.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

On the one hand, four months in trauma therapy isn't a lot of time. However, your LCM may be right--a good T will put you at ease at least in the beginning of the relationship. If there is no warmth, then attachment is hard to come by.

In my own experience, both T's have given me a "good vibe" from almost day one. I got kind of a spark of hopefulness that "hey, this might work out".

Is there another T that you can interview (or a few) so you can see if you feel a difference?

About 99% of the time, I don't just click with people. I default at either no opinion or an opinion that is already tainted negative because I tend to be very suspicious of everyone and everything. I usually go into things thinking they won't work. Should I fix that mindset? Probably. But I don't trust my own ability to judge someone else. I mean if I did, why would I be posting about LCM all the time? I love her. She makes me feel loved and cared for and puts an ice pack against the pain I feel inside for the loss of the mother I never had. Why would I ruin something like that by questioning whether or not she is just completely blindsiding me and I'm just following her like a lost sheep? Because my actual parents did that to me and I can't trust my own judgement of people anymore. So if I were to interview new T's, I wouldn't be able to trust my intuition. I also don't know of where to find new T's to interview. I'd probably ask LCM to help. And it isn't like TT isn't warm. She's not cold. She's just much more distant than LCM... but that's kinda to be expected because LCM is very involved and very not distant to put it the best I can.

TT doesn't ever talk about her feelings. I don't mean that in a "this needs to be more mutual" way. I just mean that I don't feel comfortable unless I get some sort of emotional feedback. I love when my T's will laugh with me or give me some other indication that they are emotionally invested.

For example, my roommates told me that they are looking for an apartment for 3 for next year. There are 4 of us. They are moving out and leaving me to find somewhere else to live. This hurts less so because of them leaving and more so because my mom told me over and over again that no one would want to live with me once they got to know me and I desperately wanted to prove her wrong for myself. Just so I could have concrete evidence that that isn't true. When I told TT about that, she said "how do you feel about that? What do you think their reasons are for this decision? Why don't you care about their reasons? Having reasons can bring closure". In contrast, I emailed LCM about it and she called me and said "I just had to call you because reading that made me so sad for you. How are you doing? The whole thing about wanting to prove your mother wrong and it didn't work out is just heartbreaking because your mom was so wrong when she said that. I hate to think that you might have anything you could construe as evidence for your mother's abusive behavior being right because she is dead wrong. The fact that she predicted it doesn't at all mean that you are horrible to live with. It just means that maybe they weren't the right roommates and you guys just didn't mesh."

So there is a considerable difference in styles there. I am much closer with LCM so I could understand why she would be more emotionally invested than TT. There is also definite merits to having a more neutral T. I guess the issue is that I might follow by example. When LCM tells me how my story makes her feel, I'm more able to tell her how I feel and I'm less likely to get really academic about it.

I don't know if I could bring this up with TT.

[EDIT] the reasons they aren't living with me also has nothing to do with my personal hygiene before anyone brings that up. It is a decision their parents made that was apparently spearheaded by my own mother who once again lacks the stones to tell me anything. She prefers to just mess with things behind my back and then whips it out to prevent me from having an ability to make a decision. I'm not going to rant about this further because it would never stop.

[feralkittymom]

I think your default setting is to take blame because it's what you've been trained to do, and that's sad.

I think it is possible to separate feelings toward TT--or the lack thereof--from your potential feelings about yourself and your experiences. Also, processing trauma is multi-leveled: there will be times when you feel no emotion and other times when you feel overwhelmed. I think this is largely driven internally, though sometimes when our "soft spots" intersect with a T's technique, it can seem to direct the process. What stops you from bringing up your lack of feeling to TT?

I think you're a much better judge of people than you believe you are. But what's difficult is separating the internal defenses from the perceptions. You're in control of this process--the timing and depth of your trauma work is for you to decide. You needn't feel as though your T makes those decisions. Perhaps as you can de-emphasize her control, you can begin to feel more comfortable.

Your change in living arrangements is unsettling, and it would have been better if all the parents stepped back, but realize this situation isn't unique to you. I can't count the number of students who've talked to me over the years about room-mate issues--and I remember my own struggles with rooming. Some of this is a bit of a right of passage. I hope you can find other arrangements without too much hassle.

[anilam]

Took me 5 yr (twice a week) to truly open up about my past to my T (who is great for me BTW)... so 4 months sound like nothing. Guess I'm a bit extreme but still.
I would not use the word blame here. I guess you either are a good fit with your T or you aren't- no one's fault. Do you like your TT? Or do you think s.o. else might be a better fit for you? Talking about it with TT sounds like a great idea- better than talking about it with your LCM, I think.
Also, I think your "connection" (I just don't know how to put it better, sorry) with LCM is not stg I would compare your RS with TT with. Even she, your LCM, said she doesn't want to be your T (and do the hard stuff with you). Frankly, I'm not sure what does she want to do with you (she could be still helping you, I'm not saying she can't) but this is NOT how the vast majority of T-RS works/looks. So please, just make sure you're not comparing those two.

[A Red Panda]

I don't think anyone is at fault in your relationship with your trauma T. You've only been with her for 4 months - and how regularly do you see her? Is it weekly? If it's not weekly, then you really, really, haven't spent much time with her yet. Even weekly isn't much.

I'm not sure about you, but I know that if I was going to be seeing a specialist for a certain issue... I'd probably close up even more than normal and be on the defensive. I'm fairly resistant to trusting people... and the thought of having to dive in with more serious issues would throw up roadblocks as it would feel like it was too much too soon. Is it like that for you at all with your trauma T?

I think switching trauma Ts, at least right now, is a horrible idea. You're transitioning back into your normal life and you've already got two big changes on top of that - you've got the loss of roommates, and you've got the addition of the huge attachment to your LCM. I think throwing in more change, especially when there's nothing showing that it's hugely necessary, would be a really poor choice.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by anilam

Took me 5 yr (twice a week) to truly open up about my past to my T (who is great for me BTW)... so 4 months sound like nothing. Guess I'm a bit extreme but still.
I would not use the word blame here. I guess you either are a good fit with your T or you aren't- no one's fault. Do you like your TT? Or do you think s.o. else might be a better fit for you? Talking about it with TT sounds like a great idea- better than talking about it with your LCM, I think.
Also, I think your "connection" (I just don't know how to put it better, sorry) with LCM is not stg I would compare your RS with TT with. Even she, your LCM, said she doesn't want to be your T (and do the hard stuff with you). Frankly, I'm not sure what does she want to do with you (she could be still helping you, I'm not saying she can't) but this is NOT how the vast majority of T-RS works/looks. So please, just make sure you're not comparing those two.

I normally try not to compare them. I did in this situation because I'm looking at the differences between a situation where it is easier for me to open up and the situation where I struggle.

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I don't think anyone is at fault in your relationship with your trauma T. You've only been with her for 4 months - and how regularly do you see her? Is it weekly? If it's not weekly, then you really, really, haven't spent much time with her yet. Even weekly isn't much.

I'm not sure about you, but I know that if I was going to be seeing a specialist for a certain issue... I'd probably close up even more than normal and be on the defensive. I'm fairly resistant to trusting people... and the thought of having to dive in with more serious issues would throw up roadblocks as it would feel like it was too much too soon. Is it like that for you at all with your trauma T?

I think switching trauma Ts, at least right now, is a horrible idea. You're transitioning back into your normal life and you've already got two big changes on top of that - you've got the loss of roommates, and you've got the addition of the huge attachment to your LCM. I think throwing in more change, especially when there's nothing showing that it's hugely necessary, would be a really poor choice.

I am seeing her weekly. I agree. Switching trauma Ts at this moment is a terrible idea because I already have wayyy too much on my plate. LCM might have just been thinking aloud for a second. She didn't say that I need to switch or that it needs to be right now. I actually imagine she would be highly against me switching right now.

This really isn't a matter of fault. It's a matter of time, and there is no timeline here. The person you really need to discuss this with is the trauma T. Running to that other person about it rather than directly working with the T it concerns isn't going to help the situation because it says to you, "I don't need to connect with trauma T because I have this other person over here."

Have this discussion with trauma T and ask Trauma T to work with you to find a way to feel more comfortable at least bit by bit. This DOES take time. You already know that.

[Perna]

I would think about whether I wanted an attachment to TT or not? If you are just going along with the program to be a good client and go along with the program. . . it is not likely you will ever form an attachment to this therapist, even if she were nice and friendly, etc. Or, too, if you are not crazy about doing trauma work, that would be another reason you might not want to attach to TT.

I love the expression, "Fix the problem, not the blame". Whose fault it is may be yours, hers, ours, in any proportion, but what difference does that make? I would maybe try someone else, see if you attach well enough to them or not and then you'll know more? Or, I would ignore the whole attach thing and just start working as best I could, talking about things; picking a very small, discreet, incident to talk about ("He had really nice, soft, hair; I remember thinking I shouldn't like it but I did") and see if I could learn/open up a bit that way.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would think about whether I wanted an attachment to TT or not? If you are just going along with the program to be a good client and go along with the program. . . it is not likely you will ever form an attachment to this therapist, even if she were nice and friendly, etc. Or, too, if you are not crazy about doing trauma work, that would be another reason you might not want to attach to TT.

I love the expression, "Fix the problem, not the blame". Whose fault it is may be yours, hers, ours, in any proportion, but what difference does that make? I would maybe try someone else, see if you attach well enough to them or not and then you'll know more? Or, I would ignore the whole attach thing and just start working as best I could, talking about things; picking a very small, discreet, incident to talk about ("He had really nice, soft, hair; I remember thinking I shouldn't like it but I did") and see if I could learn/open up a bit that way.

I'm not just going along with the program to be a good client or whatever. I am not that cooperative to just waste my time like that. I haven't done any trauma work yet. We just had our first trauma session.

This isn't a question of me wanting to attach or not. Normally, I would choose not to attach to anyone because it hurts less when they leave. I get attached involuntarily regardless of my fears.

[growlycat]

You don't trust your intuition, but in this case you have better gut instincts than you think. LCM makes you feel cared about while TT leaves you kinda cold. That is a good emotional reaction to pay attention to, not dismiss.

It may not be a perfect time to switch TT's, but it just makes me think of my early therapy days when I stayed way too long with a T that was a bad fit for me. He was not an unkind person, just unemotional and quiet. I needed a warmer personality.

I wouldn't up and quit TT but it would help to be honest with TT that you are worried about your partnership being the right fit. She may even make adjustments in her style to fit your needs.

Having the right T makes a world of difference.

Sorry about your living situation. Best not to take it personally--who knows what they were told!