Is T jealous?

Music is not such a bad place to start. There are musicians in every town and every school, so you've got a foot in the door wherever you go. I don't suppose there's much money in it (unless you are a star) but if you play and teach and busk you can probably get by.

Did you play in a band or an orchestra or something like that?

Your mother never doubted your musical ability, she never said that you can't play well and/or never will play well? That surprises me. What is your thinking about how that happened, given that she criticized and micromanaged everything else in your life?

I don't think most of us learned how to be functional adults from any particular people or places-- we just had to stumble through it and figure it out on our own, as we went along. Of course, I didn't have a mom at all, so there wasn't anyone there to teach me anything at home and school certainly didn't teach things like how to balance a budget, how to do your taxes, how to manage a home/apartment, how to do maintainance on your car, etc. Unfortunately, when I was 18, you couldn't just google it all either! Now, when I come across something I don't know how to do, I google it, like the other poster suggested. But I think, in general, the fact that you feel unable to do these things is probably the biggest thing preventing you from doing them. You think you can't, so you don't try. It may take you 5 or 10 tries before you master a new skill, but if you try, you'll eventually figure it out. That's how I've managed to become a functional adult, despite not having had any parental guidance or being taught any valuable life skills. While you may happen to know some privileged kids with great parents, I think most of us really have had to fend for ourselves in these areas. If you have the mindset that someone "should have" taught you these things, it prevents you from just picking yourself up by the bootstraps and saying "I can figure this out." Sure, maybe these are skills we "should" be taught... but most of us aren't. Asking friends isn't always the best "go to" option because it can be a lot to put on them, if you're asking the same people on a somewhat regular basis. If they've had to do the work of figuring these things out for themselves, it can be frustrating for them to then take on the added responsibility of teaching you these skills-- especially when there are so many other resources available to you, if you simply look for them. For instance, if you need help with a job application, there are 1,000 examples online and, since you say you're at a University, there is also a career services office that will help you write a resume and fill out applications. Do you know about all of the services your University offers? Most Universities (like the one I teach at) have a department or program that will help a student with just about anything-- if the student takes the initiative to find the right department, show up, and ask. Of course, many students never take the time to look for these resources-- but they are there! College is one of those really great times in life when there are programs and resources to help you. Trust me, when you're out of college and you still haven't learned some of the basic life skills, it's so much harder because there are no longer these kinds of resources at your fingertips, for free or low-cost.

"helicopter parents" meaning not yours, but your privileged peers

These were the most welcome and the most heartwarming words that I have read in a long time.



***

How do other people at your level market themselves? What might you do to market yourself more, or more effectively?

As a result of how you were raised. Remember that things can change; healing can occur.

What you have been saying about your playing skills and marketing and getting an ensemble together has been really impressive. I think that in some ways you are like a vault: talents that were stored away in self-defense are gradually seeing the light of day and becoming accessible.

My mother was a helicopter parent for a while in some regards. She used to stalk my high school grades and email my teachers during the school day and brush my teeth and control everything. But then she kinda just dropped me off at college and left me. I was out of sight and out of mind. That was really hard for me my freshman year because I felt so abandoned and lost. I literally didn't know how to do anything and she wasn't there for me if I called her because she really was never there for me. She didn't teach me to do anything but hate myself and everyone around me. She'd just step in and do everything because she said I never did anything right and she wasn't there for me emotionally either.

I distinctly remember a lesson I had my freshman year. My teacher was angry with me about something. I probably was totally disorganized and obviously not taking care of myself. He asked me "where are your parents? Did they just drive you out here and left you on the streets to fend for yourself? Why do you seem to have absolutely no guidance?" At the time, he didn't know anything about the nature of my home life and had no idea that saying that would be really really harsh. I guess I have improved since then. I don't walk into lessons completely unprepared and disheveled. My mom would totally manage my time and tell me when to study for how long and what to study so I came into school with no ability to manage my time. I got a bit better about that.

"Helicopter parents" is the wrong term i suppose. I was thinking of privileged kids who have parents who are over involved BUT do it out of love and overprotection. Clearly you had the over involvement without the care behind it.


What you went through/go through is awful. It does suck that people assume a lot without knowing you.


I once had a professor say that maybe I need to spend more time on my illustration work and drop the part time job to focus more... "besides how many cds/dvds do you need?" That was so insulting to me because the job was out of necessity. parents paid my tuition but nothing else and I was scraping by.

It's interesting how you say that I don't even know where to start and in the very next sentence you explain how you are starting! You are leveraging your music skills and connections into some "real world" experience that can serve as a backup for you.

It's just hard for you to believe that you can really pull it off, whereas naturally you feel more confident in your strongest suit. What you said about mistakes in music, though, can also happen in the "real world": You make some mistakes and you figure out ways to get yourself out.

When you get down to the "brass tacks" of what you are actually doing, it really sounds like you are growing in your ability to manage your affairs.

I'm growing in that I can recognize that I need a job and I'm trying to just be realistic in where I apply. That is growing because a year ago, I wouldn't have said I need a job. But it isn't enough growth.