[Jordy]

After my bad session last week and the ok but akward group on Monday I don't want to see my T tomorrow. At the moment I'm trying to find any reason not to go, and as I'm not allowed any contact with my T in the 24 hours following self harm, I've been considering doing it on purpose. But doing this would open a new can of worms... not sure that's what I need now.

The thing is I know we have a lot to discuss about how she makes me feel lately, but I don't know how to go about it. Maybe by mentioning the first line of the handout she gave us on Monday: "Every DBT patient is trying is doing his best to change and should be treated as such" I really had to resist laughing out loud, as lately this doesn't seem to apply to me. I know my T is getting frustrated with my lack of progress over the last few months, especially as I progressed a lot during my first year in T. But I swear I AM trying. I just don't know how to turn my whole life around when only getting out of bed every morning is a struggle...

I also know I should mention what happenned on Tuesday at work: I had to drive for 7 hours straight for work, taking minimal breaks. After the first two hours I felt like I was falling asleep, so I took a 10 minute break and tried to catnap. In the past this has helped and I was fine afterwards. This time I was ok when I starteddriving again, but I dozed of 10 minutes later. I was lucky, it happenned on a very broad highway with no one around. I woke up on the wrong lane but that's it. I know it's related to my insomnia, but if I mention it, all I'll get is the usual: you need to get a full-time job and move out! Yeah thanks... that will help if next time I'm not this lucky and something bad happens.

I kind of wish I could simply put job applications on her desk and say: "now we can talk about important subjects", but I doubt this will go over well... I'm just so frustrated right now, because I know she wants to help me, but is taking the wrong approach... well, maybe I'll get lucky and have to work tomorrow, so I can't go to T without it being my fault....

[A Red Panda]

I think that cancelling your T appointment would be a rather poor idea.

You're upset and feeling uncared for - and that's allowed. But delaying the appointment won't make you feel better. It will make you feel worse because you'll feel guilty. And you'll have to sit with the negative feelings and guilt until the next appointment anyway, so you're guaranteed to prolong the pain.

[Jordy]

I know it would be stupid and won't cancel... But still wish I could

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[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Jordy

I know it would be stupid and won't cancel... But still wish I could

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It's ok to wish you could cancel I understand that feeling all too well. Especially when you're conflicted and know it would be best to go to the session. It doesn't change that instinctual response of wanting to push the T away after you've felt hurt by them or are worried about what comes next. It's a tough spot to be in. I tell my T about it sometimes - how I was seriously considering canceling the appt. Sometimes talking about it helps.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you please look for something that is off the road? Every week can you write the places you applied to and hand it to her so she can move on? Or you can tell her not to mention it again? You hired her for a professional option but if you are no longer progressing maybe you need to move on?

[Karrebear]

Do you like talking to her? She sounds insensitive. But I wouldn't cancel just yet

[Jordy]

We've already agreed on me giving her one application a week. And no she's not insensitive, but she cares a lot and doesn't really know how to get me to overcome my fears. I really like her otherwise I would quit

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[Jordy]

it's past 10 pm and I haven't prepared anything for tomorrow... not done my diary card all week, not done a single job application... I really need to get started now, but can't find the motivation to... I feel like no matter what I do, it won't be good enough, nor make a difference, so why bother?

[Yogix]

Jordy, I understand how you feel about "what's the point." But try to stir up some motivation. Try to show her that you're really trying- and keep up with your homework. I know it's tough, but show yourself that you don't want to give up. I know you want more for yourself and I believe that you are trying SO very hard. I believe you, 100%. Keep that up and keep moving forward.

I believe in you!

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[Jordy]

Thank you Yogix! Feels to know you believe me.
I've done my diary card, updated my CV for job applications and chose one offer to print out and show my T tomorrow.
I should also write a letter for the application, but I've got a headache and can't do it now. I may write it tomorrow morning, at the very least I will brainstorm ideas and write those down. So I'd only need help transforming those ideas into a structured letter.

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[Yogix]

That's so awesome! Anything you need help with, please let me/us know!

But you've done so well tonight. You deserve to take a rest tonight.

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[Jordy]

One hour until I have to leave for T and I just realized that I haven't reinstalled my printer since I had to reinitialize my laptop. And of course my brother is not reachable, and I don't have the password or anything for the wireless printer... let's hope T will be fine with me bringing everything in on an usb key...

[Yogix]

How did it go??

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[Jordy]

I don't really know... Good I guess, but if I follow all of her advices there are major boundary issues waiting to happen. I'm with my horses will post more tonight...

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[Jordy]

I'm back home!
A miracle happenned today: my T was almost on time! I couldn't believe it and realized how it makes for a more relaxed session, when I know there's no one in the waiting room.
We barely discussed last week's session, only when I told her that I've been wanting to harm myself all week she asked if it may have been because of our last session. All I could say was: could be. I know I should have discussed it more, but couldn't.

Anyway we then went over my homework and spent the rest of the session discussing my CV, motivation letters and job offers. I thought I would hate it, but it was actually helpful. First of all, when my read my CV she paused at one point and said: it took you 6 years to get your 3-year degree? was that because you were struggling that much with being ill?
when I told her that was right, she said she hadn't realized it took me that long, she believed it was more like 4 years. And she didn't think I had struggled that much.

Then we talked about a current job offer as a receptionnist, and I would have to dress up for the interview, and to go to work if I get the job. I told her that even though I totally agreed, I have nothing appropriate in my wardrobe. All she said was: if you get an interview call me, we'll work something out. Then she got quiet, and after a couple seconds said: I'm sure my daughter would be happy to go shopping with you!
I was like I muttered a we'll see, but couldn't help thinking about the boundary issues. Like really... go shopping with T's daughter... I doubt that's appropriate and won't do it.

We talked some more about some jobs I'd like to do, and she starts asking me all these questions: do you like working on computers? Can you answer calls and call clients? And so on... I said yes, and she went: what would you think about working in medical office? I said why not... then she dropped the bomb: Her husband's team will hire a secretary soon and she want's me to apply.

So as if shopping with her daughter wasn't bad enough... now she suggests I work for her husband! And while the job would probably be great, I can see so many issues coming up. How am I supposed to tell her anything negative about work? I mean her loyalty will always tend to bee towards her husband. And it would be so akward if her husband told me private stuff about my T. I just can't imagine it... I've told her I woudl apply to keep her happy. But I doubt it's a good idea...

Also at the end of the session she blurted out: Gosh, you're my favorite client!
That made me feel great at that point, but right now I wonderif there's not a lot of counter transference going on...

Well at least there's one major positive: she saw how much I was struggling going through my work applications. And I think she realized I'm not making anything up, that it's really that difficult for me.
I just realized it's so difficult, because selling myself while I feel so worthless is so painful. ..

[Yogix]

It sounds like although she did being up some interesting issues (working with husband, shopping with daughter, etc...) that you still got quite a lot out of the session.

It seems like you had quite a positive vibe going on!

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[Jordy]

Yeah we really had a good vibe, and for the first time in ages I felt like I got my old T back. I'm feeling so much better than I have in days!
Although I hate feeling vulnerable, I think it's a goog that she actually saw me struggling this much. One of my problems is that I appear very high functionning for someone with BPD, and even for my T it's sometimes easy to forget how much I'm struggling with simple things because I've mastered the art of hiding it.

[Yogix]

Do you feel more comfortable now releasing some of that pain to her, rather than hiding it?

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[Jordy]

I don't know... I'll see how the next session goes...