Placing material items over others including the T.

Have you ever because of limited money, had to prioritize getting something like a gift for yourself over paying for a therapy session? Round about Christmas time I saw something on ebay, and my immediate thought was " I have to get this" but it would mean delaying paying the T for a few weeks. I decided to email the T I have spent the money and to cancel the session. She wasn't too happy, not so much about the money, but she has to pay for the room to make time to see me. I told her I'd pay for the session whether I went or not at a later date so she wouldn't be short changed.

She suggested for me to come along for free and pay her in a few weeks for this session. Whilst in session she was nice, but she seemed to be hurt by what I had done. She said " I suppose you chose over buying that item over me" she then gulped and looked down in the floor then said " but I suppose it means you trust me that you know I would understand in letting you pay the money later".

I guess in that moment the gift to myself felt more rewarding then then the psychotherapy or the T. I still owe the money to the T and will be squaring her up this week coming.

No, I've never bought myself a gift knowing I'd be unable to pay for a provided service - T, car mechanic, hairdresser, dentist, whatever. I also think a T is the only professional some clients think he/she should understand this (postponing a payment) and frankly, I don't get why.
I'm not judging your behavior- and I've seen others act this way- I just don't understand what makes the Ts so "special"? Do you, by doing so, make the RS more personal/friend-like?

Was she hurt or was you projecting your hurt at perhaps being second vest to someone in your life once?
I'd see this as a non verbal communication. A way of trying to communicate hurt. Perhaps.

I never thought she'd understand it, which is why I asked her to cancel the session. She insisted I go to the session. She offered me this because she said I'd still have to pay half regardless because of the room charge. Besides in the past, she has had to only give me 40 minutes because she was running late, and at a later date she gave me 60 minutes to make up for that. I was cool with it.

It was an impulsive buy. For me at the time I had to buy it, it was playing on my mind too much to wait.





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Yes, I was annoyed with her the session before. She seemed rather cold and distracted which annoyed me. Which made the decision even easier for me.

Can you tell T how you felt?

I'd have no problem explaining to her but I have so much to talk about I might not remember. I haven't seen her in nearly 6 weeks so there is much to discuss.

Ah yes, big gaps make it difficult.

Nothing wrong with a gift to yourself now and then

Once I prioritized having lunch during the weekend (I had a full-day course, both days) over a therapy session. But I let my T know ahead of time as we agreed at the beginning, so he wasn't inconvenienced. I also didn't feel like I had to let him know why I couldn't make it to session. Had he asked, I would have been honest; but he didn't ask so I just enjoyed my food and full stomach and saw him the next week.

Lycanthrope, I don't think there is anything wrong with a little "retail therapy" every now and then. It's good that you have the relationship with your T that you were able to tell her.

It sounds like there was a lot more going on than just choosing a gift over therapy.

I can understand doing something else rather than going to therapy. I don't think I would have gone to see the therapist because I don't want the woman doing me favors, but I understand choosing something over seeing the therapist for various reasons.

Therapy is a gift to myself and has a priority kind of like my mortgage and other bills that have to get paid. When I have to have something, I know now that I will get it but I rearrange discretionary funding (like food or other things I want) to get it rather than have-to bills. I don't buy things so spur of the moment anymore nowadays, I wait a bit and think about it, what I'll use it for, what it will feel like in a month, year, etc. after I have it, etc. Some things I have found I like knowing about but don't really need to "own". Other things I know are not the only one in the world and I can find one later if I realize I really want it.

I would have just told her I couldn't pay her that week, asked could I pay a few weeks after, not have gone into detail?

I can understand this from both points of view. I agree it is good to treat yourself now and then but if you had agreed to that next session, and the therapist had dedicated that time to see you and would be out money on the room, then I can also understand her annoyance because for her, she was putting your therapy first but in this instant you weren't.

I don't know how you normally pay for sessions but I don't think it is very respectful to make a therapist wait because you wanted to buy something else , if it was a case of financial emergency then It would maybe be more understandable. I'm sorry if that is hurtful but its how I see it and as someone else said...we don't expect other people to wait so why should our therapist?

No your comments aren't hurtful. It came down to this. There was something I wanted that in future may cost more money to purchase. So I wanted to get it quickly rather then wait and it potentially going up in price, Had it been something else, I may have been able to wait and save gradually.

I didn't expect the T to wait for her money. I was a little annoyed with the T and decided to put myself first. It is selfish, but I knew I would pay her, it wasn't like I was not going to pay her and disappear. Although it was an impulsive buy. I saw something, bought it, then thought I best email the T to let her know.

I've had to decide on using my therapy money on other things and they are sometimes things for my own enjoyment.

I just choose not to go to therapy if I've used the money though. I'd never say "I'll pay you later."

The only time that's ever happened is when I've paid via credit or debit and the machine wasn't working and we just agreed I'd pay double the following week.

I never said "I'll pay you later". I told her to cancel the session, she insisted I come along and pay her later because I will be charged half the fee for the room she rents out.

To clarify, I spent the money and then emailed the T to tell her to cancel because the money had been spent. She wanted me to come along, so I agreed and said I will pay you the full money the next session. If she'd have said, "OK skip this session" I'd have been happy about that. I would never go to a session with no money and say "I'll pay you later". That would just be plain rude.

Sometimes I wonder if people actually read my threads correctly.

I guess at the end of the day you have a right, as all clients do, to not attend a session. It may have been best to just tell your therapist that you couldn't attend (without the rest of the details), as it may have came across sounding wrong to her. I can understand that you actually let her know you didn't have the money to attend and it was her choice to decide to go ahead with the session, knowing she could trust you to pay at a later date.

I am probably thinking of it more from the T point of view....if someone regularly saw me, I might feel a bit hurt that I was putting in time and effort to help someone and they let me know that buying something was more important....but I'm sure you didn't mean it that way...it was just a case of money and timing.

I would expect a therapist to be able to handle that they are not the most important thing in a client's life.

If I'd have just told her I couldn't attend, She likely would have tried to know why and kept probing for answers which would have just been irritating. I can't be bothered to hide something like this from her anyway. I assume she's tough enough and had a lot worse to deal with to do with a client.

In that moment, buying something was more important to me then the T. But then you have to consider, the T's family and friends are far more important to her then I am. I don't take that personally, nor am I hurt because that's something I've always known and it doesn't bother me.

when i've been in therapy i've always had a regular standing appointment so i wouldn't want to cancel to buy something as i sort of see it like paying a regular bill. in your situation it sounds like your annoyance with your T may have prompted you to buy this item? do you think you would have bought the item at that time and canceled with T if you weren't annoyed with her? no judgment from me. just thinking that sometimes we act out our feelings rather than communicate them verbally. long breaks can be hard on clients so i can see that you may have been bothered by that too.

I've cancelled many appointments because other things came up that took priority, but I can't say ever because of money. My situation is different though because I have a small co-pay. Plus, it's a group practice and they have set policies for appointments cancelled after their 48 hour cut off. They are diligent about missed payments - you have to pay the full fee. Some individual Ts will override the charge for a reasonable excuse, but others won't. I don't think I'd tell the T that I was canceling so I could buy something though. I think that can say something deeper to a T about your feelings regarding therapy.

Did you know that annoyance is a form of anger? Since you correlated these two concepts, is it possible that this could have been an unconscious way to communicate a message to her?

Although you do not, many people in therapy do feel hurt by this. It isn't personal if one thinks about it rationally, so I get why you say that, but feelings are not rational. I could be totally off, but maybe this is gnawing at your consciousness, wanting to be released. Since your T still reacted to your action with acceptance rather than anger, might that be influencing your decision to explore the event here?

This might not apply to your situation, but feelings that are disavowed find a way to be expressed, sometimes in ways that are initially obscure.

I have always blown hot and cold when it comes to therapy. Sometimes it seems like the most important thing, other times I barely give it a thought. I have a habit of once I get something in my mind I must have it. I'm too impatient to wait. I want something, I want it now. With regards to the item, it was something I was concerned would go up in price if I didn't get it almost instantly.

In regards to the T, I was annoyed with her. In early November she seemed very down about something and I tried to cheer her up,and and she seemed grateful. Two weeks later, she seems disinterested, text me on the phone asking me if i could make an earlier appointment, then she calls me in 10 minutes late. She did add those 10 minutes on so I wasn't shortchanged on time. But her attitude seemed like she totally blanked me and she just wanted to get home. She was texting on her phone when I walked through the room and looked excited about what was on the text.

This was a nagging annoyance rather then a fuming anger. But she made decision to put material goods above her an easy one to make. The next session she did however seem hurt by what I had done, which surprised me. If I'm being honest, Irrelevant of the T's actions, I might still have done it anyway.

It seems like her behavior here was rejecting, so I can see why you were annoyed.

If it was me, I'd probably feel somewhat hurt rather than annoyed, but in my experience, when Ts behavior was "different", I would always ask him and more times than not found out it was usually because of something going on in his personal life, rather than how he felt about me.

Thanks for coming back and replying.