See t2 on Friday. Nervous. Trepidation. Hope... Kinda, kinda...

Been having dreams. Unpleasant dreams. t2 is holding me and Bob is hitting me repeatedly saying over and over 'it is for her own good'. Ugh. bad Bob :-(

I am most severely %#@&#! up

:-(
:-(
:-(

or maybe it was 'it is for the good of the group'
i guess that makes more sense lol.

freaky dreams though...

t2 chasing me...

and sometimes it is because i got scared so he is trying to catch me to show me it is ok.

and sometimes he morphs into a monster and i'm terrified he is going to catch me.

and sometimes he catches me and it is okay.

and sometimes he morphs into a monster and holds me so Bob can hit me.

:-(

[pamelasu]

*hugs* I'm sorry you are nervous about seeing your t. I hope that it goes well and that you get these feelings out in the open.

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope things get better for you. I would sincerely hope that you tell your therapist about these dreams, since you are having them and they are terrifying. When I get stressed I have weird dreams as well, sometimes, and it is scary in itself. Maybe your therapist can help you with the fear and the phobia manifesting itself in monsters, and nightmares. Try to make sure you eat, low sugar levels caused by stress happen sometimes as well. Take care and try to stay calm if you can, take someone with you to your appointment if you can, and maybe plan something positive to do after the appointment, to take your mind off of the appointment.. Take care Soidhonia

[Perna]

Just what you need, dreams to tell you how scared you are like you don't already know

I hope they're worse case scenario/dress rehersals so whatever kind of time you have Friday, it won't be nearly as bad as the dreams. Dreams are just dreams (I believe important for what they can tell us but literally not happening) and I take comfort that things rarely happen the way I imagine/fear.

Thanks everyone. I've only met this t once for an intake interview. He was really nice... So I guess all my fears come up. I probably won't tell him about the dream because we will just be getting to know each other, and he knows I'm plenty scared already.

Appoitment tomorrow. When I get very anxious everything feels like a dream... And the appoitment is for 8am which is insanely early for me... And I have to bus there so I figure I'll have to be up and at 'em at 6 or 6 thirty which is really very insanely early for me...

So the appoitment will be a bit funny anyway... I'll probably still be dreaming when I meet him lol.

Thanks though. It means a lot to know people are thinking of me right now.

I'll let you guys know how the appoitment goes...

woman, how did it go?????????? love, pat

p.s. i went through some really bad dreams recently and i hated it....

i'm really, really sorry that you have been having dreams about Bob.........xoxoxo

Hey. It went fine. I got a little bit lost on the way there (the bus diverted a little from the bus route) and the shops (which are supposed to be a landmark) are very inconspicuous indeed. The road he is on is a long road that loops around and I wasn't sure where along the road he was... I asked for directions and got sent off through the park (I think the park runs through the middle of the loop). I only had a minimalist bus map though... But I found it in time. He works from this house that has been converted into offices. I was freaking a little because I worried he might be working from home... I was checking to see whether there was a room out the back or something, but then I realised that it was converted so the lounge was reception and the bedrooms are offices.

It went okay. He is nice. I think that normally he doesn't start until 9am because we were the only people there when we started at 8am and I could hear other people arriving at around quarter to 9. It was a little bit freaky it just being the two of us there... But other people turn up, so I guess it is okay. He went with me to talk to the receptionist when we finished. Told her to book me in for 8am the following week and he said he would talk to her about how to bill me (because he is seeing me at a greatly reduced rate). I felt bad about the reduced rate, but I'm living on a really basic living stipend which is only really supposed to extend to basic needs and departmental social obligations. His talking to the receptionist means that it isn't like it is a secret that he is seeing me outside normal hours or or anything like that. He also said that we were doing things a little differently with respect to the billing but that it was important to do things by the book so he needs me to get a GP referral to him before I see him next week. Thats cool, I've made an appoitment to see a GP on Monday.

Sorry, this is probably heaps more than you wanted to know lol. I guess I was worried a bit about doing things by the book, though. He is seeing me for next to nothing, and the 8am time slot is outside normal working hours (though I get the impression it isn't *that* unusual and he really doesn't have any other available slots until next year at which point he will move me into those). And I freaked a little thinking he was working from home and it would normally be just the two of us... But I think it is okay.

The session went okay. We are still getting to know each other, I guess. We talked a bit about mindfulness exercises. One thing I never really thought of was the internal / external focus distinction. I guess I tended to do internally focused exercises with the focus on my breathing, but he said to maybe try and do external ones to help ground me in the world a bit more. Not homework, exactly, but a suggestion... He said that he doesn't think of them or call them alters that he liked to call them parts because they are parts of me... And I said that that was fine, that I thought of them as 'voices' but parts was okay too. So I guess we have an understanding on that.We talked a bit about some of the stuff I had read about DID too. He seemed interested in that. And he suggested DBT group for next year though I said I wasn't all that keen on that idea... And we talked about the voices a little bit. And I said that I wanted to get properly better so I don't hear the voices anymore and that I guess that means integration... But that I wanted them to go away too. I see the tension there... It is hard. I didn't say this but one of them thinks that getting better is about killing her. And I guess... That is what I want because I just want them to go away :-( But I guess it was a good session... Still getting to know each other. I think he is having a bit of a hard time with my mumbly accent which is funny because I don't even notice that he has one...

Yeah, ugh about the dreams... Ugh ugh ugh.

Okay so...

Upon further reflection I think that there is a significant difference between conceiving of them as 'voices' and conceiving of them as 'parts'. I understood already that there was a significant difference between conceiving of them as 'persons' or 'selves' or 'personalities' on the one hand, or conceiving of them as 'voices' or 'parts' on the other... The latter distinction is the notion that they aren't seperate people even though it might feel like they are they aren't. The former distinction... Isn't about being careful not to conceive of them as seperate *people* it is about owning them as parts of *me* rather than, say, voices, that can be mere 'noise in the channel' on some conceptualisations.

I guess conceiving of them as 'voices' kind of promotes the applicability of strategies such as ignoring them, distracting from them, etc. Conceiving of them as parts of me kind of promotes... Listening to them and crap like that :-(

I guess I sort of knew / got that... But not really. I'm careful to talk about voices and them / me or us / me or whatever... But it is a bit of a jump to really conceiving of them consistently in that way...

About the death thing. Amazing how I can want them to GO AWAY so much... But then I hear this %#@&#! crying inside because a part is scared she is going to die and that getting better means she has to die and that t2 is going to try and kill her... I want to kill her.

:-(

Mostly.

:-(

I just want them to go away. Voices. I just want the voices to stop. Take anti-psychotics and make the voices stop. Only... That stragegy isn't working.

And when they get scared... I miss time and find I've done crazy %#@&#!. I guess this is the way forward...

They scare me because of the things they do when I miss time. Does getting better mean... I have to learn to like what they do and accept that they do that kind of stuff and accepting them means that I'll come to like that kind of stuff so I do it with full awareness? I don't want that to happen. I JUST WANT THE CRAZY %#@&#! TO STOP

:-(

You learning what they do and so on?

Kind of. Your therapy professional uses the term "parts" because they are parts of you right.

SKR sometimes used the "parts" terminology with me too. here is what she told me

"Since they are a part of you what they do and say and so on is also already part of you. Its what you were already able to do until those parts of you were separated and fogotten. Once you remember what is in those "parts" you will automatically be able to do those things and so on again."

Another professional in the field of DID explained it to me like this -

Kind of like a ceramic apple. The apple starts out whole then the apple gets thrown and it breaks into separated parts scattered and forgotten.

Even though the ceramic apple is now separate and forgotten its still parts of a ceramic apple.

if you find a piece on the floor its still a part of the apple just like the piece of ceramic under the stove, fridge and so on

one day the parts are found and put back together (remembered) to once again be a whole apple.

All the pieces of the apple are there in the beginning.
All the pieces of the apple are there when it is in parts scattered and unremembered.
All the pieces of the apple are there when the parts are put back together to form a whole apple.

Now in terms of a person with DID -
A person may starts out knowing how to add 2 + 2 = 4
then something happens so that 2 + 2 = 4 gets separated and forgotten .. 4 here under the stove a 2 in the fridge, a 2 on the couch, a + in the dining room and = in the car. (All of the parts are there just scattered and forgotten)

The person finds all the parts and puts them back in order (remembers) 2 + 2 = 4.

The person will now always know that 2 + 2 = 4 was separated and forgotten at one time but now will also always know the parts are now together to form the whole.

Hang in there.

Hey. Thanks for your response. I kind of know what they do... One of them sends me mental pictures of stuff that she has done... Not always, but sometimes.

The part thing is funny...

I thought I was a person. But I'm not a person, I'm a part. I thought I was a personality, a self. But apparantly I'm not, I'm a part.

I don't think we ever were together...

Mostly because... Infants don't have a personality or a self they don't count as a person initially... But over time... They develop one... Or... More than one.

I kind of do want to say that.

I know the point is supposed to be integration (though some people are happy with co-consciousness) I want to get properly better... I want to have a more conventional sense of one self / personality. I want to stop missing time and doing bad stuff and I don't want to hear voices anymore either. So I know the point is supposed to be integration...

But I still kinda wish... That they would just disappear or fall off the face of the earth or whatever. Bug off. Leave me alone.

I don't see... How integration is supposed to go...

I mean... If I study and I want to keep studying and get an academic career...

And different parts have different ideas...

We can't do everything. I don't see how this is supposed to work...

Here is a link to a blog entry of mine about integration from a therapist point of view. the therapist was also DID and went though this integration process in this article.

This is also what I have experienced with integration.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR THOSE TRIGGERED BY THE TERM INTEGRATION -

This link contains information about INTEGRATION. for those that do not agree or are easily trigger by the use of the word INTEGRATION - Since No one is being forced to click on the blog link doing so means you are accepting responsibility for your own triggers and reactions.

As always what is contained in - MY - blog are - MY -experiences, - MY therapy program and - MY - research.

if any readers do not fit what is contained in this link that is OK. Take what will help you and pass on the rest.


http://myself.psychcentral.net/2006/...on-an-article/

Um...

What part of:

> This article may not be reproduced without express permission of the publisher.

Didn't you follow?

You can post a link to the article, but unless you want to open yourself up to the publisher suing you for breeching copyright I really wouldn't keep that up on your blog...

Relax I wrote to Dr. Rachel Downing and told her who I was in real life time, how to find my blog and so on and asked her permission. and gave her my personal Email address (not the one posted in my profile But my personal one that I give to professionals in the field of DID when I am doing my research and asking them for their input and so on)my real time phone number, and real time address.

Dr. Downing has not asked me to remove it and has not told me not to post it during the month time frame that I did not post while waiting for her reply. Nor has she asked that I remove it during the pime that it has been up on my blog.

And if she had a problem she would have replied to me because a few years ago when I located one of her books she replyed back to me answering a couple questions of mine.

I am not breaching any copy right infringements and so forth. with this article.

So you have express permission of the publisher?

Is the author the publisher, or do you need to contact the Sidran Foundation?

Absence of 'no' does not = 'yes'.

Like I said Dr Rachel Downing the AUTHOR of the article, knows I have placed it on my blog. She knew a month in advance and how to contact me. Should SHE ask me to remove it for what ever reasons I will do so.

And YES I have permission from SIDRAN but in some cases the authors decide that they do not want others to copy and so on from their books, articles and so on, so not only do I go to the publishers I also go to the authors.

And I rely mostly on the authors not the publishers. every publisher that I have asked to quote and or anything else INCLUDING SIDRAN has told me I have thier permission as long as I acknowlege them. Which is why I have on my blog that the article can be found at SIDRAN, and that I have not heard from Dr. Downing.

REGARDLESS OF IF THE PUBLISHER TELLS ME I HAVE PERMISSION I CHOOSE TO HONOR THE AUTHORS WISHES BECAUSE IT WAS THEIR OWN PERSONAL HARD WORK THAT WENT INTO THE ARTICLES, POEMS, BOOKS, MUSIC AND SO ON.

I HAVE PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHERS BUT ONE DAY I MAY BE DELETING THAT ENTRY SHOULD DR. RACHEL DOWNING ASK THAT I REMOVE IT.

Which is why I placed the introduction that I did in that blog entry.

> I HAVE PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHERS

Okay.
You didn't say that on the Blog, so I was wondering about that...
Thanks for clearing that up.

I did not put in it the words - I HAVE PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHER - because it was not necessary SIDRAN did not say I had to place those words in my blog. All the spokes person for SIDRAN said was I give them credit by mentioning that the article can be found on their site.

Publishers don't expect people to say - I have permission from the publishers. what they do want is - their name and name of article, authors name and copy right date to be included.

when quoting verbatum it is never ask and or required that the person has to say - I have permission.

Though it IS expected and required that the person using and quoting someone elses work that they state when they do not have permission when that applys.

To not give credit to the authors and publishers is called implied plagerism, and plagerism because not stating such things like not having permission where applicable and not stating authors, publishers and copyright dates leads readers and or others to believe the person using other peoples work has created that piece of work.

I don't HAVE to state in any of my blog entries when I have permission to use something.

But sometimes when the people don't mind being mentioned I do acknowlege them and thank them for allowing me to post their work. You will find many references on my blog and on the boards where I have acknowledged and thanked those authors and friends that I quote works of in my blog and on the boards.

This is not a necessity I just do it from time to time. Its My way of letting those people know I appreciate and care about them.

i still wish they would go away

yea I know so don't I at times.. its getting late (or early depending on which end of the clock you think about the time) so I need to get off now. You hang in there.

Thanks. You too.

You're welcome. hang in there.