Scared of therapy tomorrow

I am so, so, SO scared to go to therapy tomorrow.

A lot of my therapy consists of me and my T working on me feeling connected and safe and attached. It's a huge struggle. Just recently, I reached a point where I really felt those things. The problem is, once I feel safe, we start talking about the things that brought me to therapy in the first place - and they are bad, scary things that I've spent a LIFETIME working to avoid and not think about. So, we talked about it some on Wednesday but I was having a really hard time staying present and saying the things I wanted to say. I e-mailed him on Wednesday night and told him some things - things he already knew about, but more details. Just a FEW more details. Now, I'm literally sick about it. I don't want to go and face him. Really, I just want to quit therapy forever.

I KNOW, logically, that quitting therapy forever isn't the right thing to do. I'm thinking about just not showing up for my appointment, but if I don't go, I'm afraid it will make it too easy for me to not go the next time, and the next time, until I've sort of quit by default.

I don't know why I'm scared of going. He's always accepted me, and logically, I know he still will. And LOGICALLY, I get that these were things that were done TO me - but I feel so much guilt, and SHAME, and fear. I just don't want to face him. I don't want to face ME, or what's in my head. I just want it to never have happened - or, since that's not possible, I just want to be OVER it. I don't want to go deal with it.

Somebody help, please. I don't even know what I'm asking for. But I'm really scared. And upset. And confused.

I'm sorry

((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))

Breathe. You can do this. Talking about the icky stuff (or the skeletons in our closet) is really hard... but maybe it will feel better afterwards, to get things off your chest? The anxiety and anticipating what will happen during session really sucks though.

I'm glad you feel safe with him, and I hope he takes it slowly at your pace. If you think he's pushing too much too quickly, you can actually tell him to slow down.

I don't want to face stuff that's happened to me in the past either if it's any consolation.

Huge hugs, good thoughts and all that. If you need someone to talk to, PM me okay?

((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))
I'm sorry you are feeling scared of your appointment, could you maybe try telling your T that you are not comfortable talking about certain things. I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow.

Please do go, and then share that you aren't ready to continue discussing that stuff "today." (Especially when you need to get through the weekend on your own.)

It's fine to feel safe for a while before delving into the tough stuff. I think your T knows this, and probably will be open to having a softer easier session tomorrow.

Therapy is for you. You are the only reason the T is there during that time: for you. So you can direct what you can and cannot discuss any particular time or day, and that's fine!

TC

For many, many weeks, I went in and told my T that I both wanted and was terrified to talk about something. He suggested that I would feel better if I unburdened myself, but never urged me to do so unless I was willing to make that leap. It took a long time before I got that he wasn't going to push, and then I felt like I could choose to share. Often what helps is talking about not being able to talk about something!

I think the mistake I made was telling him in an E-MAIL the things I can't talk about in session. I'm realizing that if I can't talk about it in session, I probably shouldn't e-mail it to him, because, then it will come up in SESSION. Duh!

I wish I could go and take it back. I hate this because I love him, and I loved feeling safe with him, and I hate having this desire to never, ever, ever see him again. I'm so sad.

I feel like I screwed up, big time.

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I'm realizing that if I can't talk about it in session, I probably shouldn't e-mail it to him, because, then it will come up in SESSION. Duh!

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I don't think that is the case, could be a wrong assumption you know?

The T is there for you, and I see no reason for any T to push a patient into discussing something they are not ready to discuss. Part of the therapy process is for T to guide you to where you need to be, offering words you need to say and things you need to share, not dragging things out of you.

I think it is a good thing you shared those things, and that you categorized them as things you can't (now) discuss. That will help T in helping you.

earthmama, could you send him another email and tell him that even though you revealed some new information in your previous email, you are not read to talk about it yet?

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Earthmama said:

I'm realizing that if I can't talk about it in session, I probably shouldn't e-mail it to him, because, then it will come up in SESSION. Duh!

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I was exactly in the same situation back in January. I knew I wanted to unload some very difficult stuff, but just couldn't seem to do it live.

Here is what happened to me:

I was given a 20-minute free writing assignment. I sat down to do it and crap just poured out on on paper. I was so ashamed, embarrassed, confused that I didn't know what to do with it. At 3 AM in the morning, before I had a chance to think about it, I printed, stamped and MAIL it to my T. The next day I realized how freaked out I had been the night before. In my altered state of mind did some very extreme things. I sealed my disclosure in an inner envelope. Then in the outside envelope I included a brief preface note. This note indicated what the contents of the inner envelope was and some important instructions for my T. 1) if she did not NEED/ want to know this information or if it was inappropriate for me to disclose this way, she was to not open the inner envelope and give it back back to me. 2) If she did choose to open it, I DID NOT want her to read it to me or to discuss it in our next session. I have 2 weeks between sessions, so the the next two weeks were UNBEARABLE!

Like you I was considering not going back and even started several termination notices and dialed the office only to end up hanging up. This next statement is not intended to scare you more, but when I back for the next session, my T totally ignored my instructions. She obviously, opened up everything, and as soon as I sat down on the ugly couch, jumped right in and quoted a line from the disclosure. I totally died that session, I don't even remember most of what what said other than the crumbling of the paper as she pulled it out of my file and read from it. Honestly, it was the worst/BEST therapy session we've had. First although it was incredibly difficult, but I sat there (dissociated I think), endured it, and SURVIVED. Second, my T sent me a clear message that SHE could handle discussing anything and was not rejecting me for what I disclosed. Third, she clearly demonstrated that she was willing to carry out a request that I had made during a much earlier therapy session. In this earlier session I had clearly stated that I need someone who would speak and act in my best interest regardless of whether I liked what was said or done.

I think back now on this disclosure and my instructions. I placed my T in a very difficult situation. I think she handled it well and our therapeutic relationship is much better for it. Although to this day I still have not verbalized the intimate details and avoid openly exploring how I really feel, I at least know SHE can handle what ever happens.

Sorry for the long post. My point is, Your next session is likely going to be difficult. But you and your T will likely handle it well, and your relationship will likely grow from your honestly and disclosure.

Thanks everyone for sharing your advice and especially your experience.

I did go to T today. And he did want to talk about the e-mail. I told him I COULD NOT talk about it. In the end, we briefly talked about it a little tiny bit, but not about the hard thing that I regretted sending to him. About 20 minutes into the session, I announced "well, I can't talk about that e-mail, so I think I'll just leave now". He told me "I don't think it would be a good idea for you to leave just yet"....so I stayed and we talked, but more about what I was feeling right then and what was happening in the room. I WANTED to dissociate and get my mind OUT OF THERE, but I was weirdly present the whole time. Usually, I just drift away when it's hard and there's not a lot I can do about it. I told him that, and he talked about how strong I was to be able to sit there and tolerate what was going on. I actually did feel strong being able to do that - but it gave me a raging headache.

Anyhow, I think I'm glad I went. I'm not sure how I feel right now. But I do appreciate everyone's help. Thanks.

((((earthmama))))))))
hoping you are all right and that the headache has stopped!!!

(((earthmama)))
After my session like that I literally dry heaved when I got to my car. Then later that night, when my inner ego state surfaced I crashed a bit lower. It will get better. You demonstrated to yourself that you can handle the uncomfortable sessions. Your T in his own way also showed that he can handle them too.