Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Ok. I didn't mean to offend you.

oh boy! therapy on my bday. Make it a good one!!

I love you, and I feel the need to remind you of that every now and then. So when I put hearts or x's on the end of emails, please know it's a reminder of that.

T,
I pulled my hair out tonight over the intensity of my OCD. It's literally controlling my life.

Starting my new fitness program on Monday, and it's going to be 84 days of hell. I hope to be in tip top shape to compete afterwards. But today is Sunday. Since the program doesn't start until tomorrow, what will I eat today? My eating disorder is going to kick my butt for these 24 hours. I want to eat nothing until tomorrow. I want to eat healthy per usual, but how can I do that when it's Easter and my aunt will be cooking whatever it is? I have no control over what she cooks and I'll have to eat. I should hit the gym, but the programs day 1 is a Monday and today is Sunday.

You were right. The one thing that I enjoy, I obsess over. 6 years going to the gym daily, and now battling another form of an eating disorder.

From anorexia, to bulimia, and now orthorexia. Will it ever end T?

Sincerely,
A frustrated, soon-to-be-hairless, 22 year old girl.

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Now you're the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning. I didn't know this was going to happen. I'm scared you will get sick of me and then abandon me.

Dear T,

I am in hysterics every night now. I keep thinking there has to be some way out of this- you can't possibly be leaving my life. I know you're not abandoning me; I'm just your job, and you can't be my T forever. Yet it's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that you care about me and know so much about me, and yet you're not going to stay in contact with me.

Thanks for the call Friday when I was having symptoms and self harm ideation. It was difficult because I didn't want to talk. Just shut down. Numb. I stayed out if the kitchen like you said and got through the night- took a 2 hr nap as well. Glad you were there because in a week you'll be gone on vacation for 2 weeks.

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Dear T, happy Easter! I hope you had a great day

Wanting to text. Came here instead. I feel scared. Sobbing head bent in the shower, half sick and crazy. Kept telling myself I was safe then saying, "why can't I remember?" Just know it was dark. It was bad. Naked and I cannot get clean. There is not enough soap. FB or blurred memories unsure of what is real or not. Mark and the 80 yr old pedophile. Want to share. To connect when I'm feeling so disconnected. Not sure where the safe outlet is. Too much to risk? Live or die.

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Does/can anyone relate to above post? I did not text this to t. Just am looking to know I'm not crazy. Looking for connection.

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Can you write this down/print this out to show your t?

Dear t
I tried and you tried. You told me to email and I did twice. You even checked today on Easter Day, but it didn't work. I just feel so upset that nothing you can say seems to get through to me at the moment. I won't email again as it is wasting both of our time. You say I can call, but this often leaves me feeling worse. Right now I just want some relief and nothing seems to help. On the plus side I've been using the mindfulness and the breathing and all the other skills you've taught me. I've kept myself busy and it has helped, but I want more than to have some coping skills. I just need a break from everything. Please stop the world as I need to get off.
Willow

Dear t,

I was shocked at the end of our last session you said you had recently taken allergy medication that had made your "head foggy". If I had known that at the beginning I may have changed from speaking about CSA for the first time properly in depth.. I'm scared you won't remember and I'll have to repeat it again.

I PM'd you.

I don't think I feel safe enough to expose myself like this. I'm feeling I can't trust anyone. Scared but better. Took my meds. Trying to settle. Thank you so much for your reply. Take good care. (P.S. Very glad I did not text to t and came here instead). Ty again.

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I miss you Joan and wish you would call me and ask me to come back.

I got it and replied. Ty so much.

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I know I invited you in but you can get outta my head now please.

I really need you to offer more support, instead of just what we are doing. I need you to see that I'm kinda crumbling, and I really don't want to do all these changes at once and seemingly alone. I need you to stop talking and listen more. I need the space to be ok with being vulnerable, because I need a release for all this. I need to be able to vent so I don't implode. Please don't listen to my efforts at avoiding things, because it will end up problematic. I'm too worried about offending, upsetting, or angering you. Please see that and recognize it and call me out on it... please...?

I miss you and very much need to see you. I have something unpleasant to tell you. I also feel stuck, yet going downhill.

You keeping a space for me this week - and on a national holiday - just in case I can come is so sweet.
If you only knew how afraid I am of losing my place in your office and how much you make me cry, you would be scared and think I've gone nuts. But I don't know how to stay calm sometimes, I must be on a nervous breakdown.

(sorry guys for posting a lot here, it makes me feel better).

iloveyouimissyouandihateitbutitstruethatisall

Dear T,

When you tell me things - they almost always make sense. But then when you turn around and ask me are those said things the way I see it - they start to not make sense. I know you're not all knowing but I'm not even some what knowing. So when you leave room for my own interpretation it makes me pull away from you because if you, who knows me so well, don't know than there really is no hope of either one of us ever really knowing. I hate that its that way but my brain and my feelings appear to be enemies and I doubt they'll ever come together to help me form a legitimate opinion of my own.

dear T

u said the voices might come back well i think they will. tonight. i can feel it. i took a prn like u said but i still feel weird so......... at least we are meeting with pdoc soon. thanks for the pic of ur cat i know its a joke but i like it. it makes me think of u and our relationship. and ur support. well idk about tonight i hope i can take my meds if the voices come back. maybe i will ask u for support but right now i am just hoping that they wont come back. god i hope

me

no-it can't start yet...it's too soon