Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T: not that I was expecting anything, but I was wondering how I'd do for 21 days. So I was hoping you would pick up my distress (from a very calm text) thanks to some sort of mystic power.
And you replied "I see. what about Wed. if you want". Seriously? This is magic, you know me quite well.
7 days to go. Thanks for finding me a space in your super-busy wed.

P.S. but well, please remember you still have to tell me the time..

dear couple's t, I know we decided community meets were better for all involved (financially, in terms of time and distance), but it's really weird. I hope the ice cream shop is a tad more comfortable than the coffeeshop was 2 weeks ago. also, I cant believe we only have 3 weeks left before this huge change (2.5, but we can see you 3 times because of the way our departure falls)... holy cow. I may panic, or I may ignore everything the wife and I need to talk about... we noticed that we both do the same thing around heavy topics: take all the blame, blow it out of proportion, and end up avoiding talking about it. I hope there's seclusion enough to be able to broach that topic tomorrow.

dear individual t, I think I need to ask you when you read the blog, because sometimes the stats go up and it's only supposed to be you reading. It's making me nervous that the wife may be reading it without telling me. If that's the case, then I'm changing passwords on everything... Also, please know I'm looking for more support without having to say those words exactly. I'm not comfortable asking for it, so I need you to know that I'm kinda floundering here and could use the extra help without having to say it in so many words. I will however try to ask for a shift in the scheduling the week you get back from vacation because 3 weeks will have been way too long.

Dear T. I got it out of me and you were right, it helped. Thanks for sharing with me what you did, it really made me understand what is going on. I love how you can go from professional advice to compassion without ever making me feel small. A

Dear T,

Everything is falling apart again....did you see this coming? I care and don't care all at once. How is that even possible? I won't see you for over a week now and I don't know that it even matters. But it does. Everything is a ****ing bind. You tell me there are solutions but then you don't tell me what they are. You seem compassionate but then sometimes it seems to all be an act. Nothing makes sense but then it does. I'm in a no mans land probably of my own creation. It doesn't matter......but it does all the same.

I think I'd have to see you every.single.day of my life to even make a dent into my ****ed up thought patterns but we both know that will never happen so I'll make do with maintaining.

Dear T,

I feel guilty. I have my first appointment with an EMDR Therapist tomorrow afternoon. It has been scheduled since last week and I still haven't told you about it. You knew a while ago I was considering looking for a second T, but I told you I would tell you if i were to start seeing one. I feel guilty because I see you twice a week and now, if this works out, I will be seeing her once a week for at least a couple months. I hope you are not mad when I tell you. I'm also afraid you'll take the second session away from me and only see me once per week, now that I have another T. Maybe that's why I haven't brought it up yet. Anyway...I miss you.

<3 Alexis

Dear new T, you are too nice to me. Why are you like that? Yeah I admit it feels good but it is also scary. I will like you too much far too soon. I am also scared about the time ahead ... You saw the drawings you know a lot now. Thank you for being here with me.

Dear T's,

I'm a bit nerved up, for this morning. Just a step in my life. May take a med, getting shaky. I need to address, this. Then again, for a living that man is a tax collector. Reminds me of the Bible.

Ok. Ok. Ok.

-Me

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I realise I was just soo disappointed last session, and I'm glad that I have had 2 weeks to process that. I don't like feeling disappointed in you, it takes me a step or 2 back towards mistrust.

So, 2 weeks down, one more week and you'll be back from holiday, I wonder how we will work through this on your return? Or not............

So T, we'll be talking again in a little more than 3 hours. It's been 2 months since my last appointment, I had been thinking that no way can I get everything in that I want to tell you in 50 minutes. But now I feel differently.... realizing recently that a LOT of what I relied on you for was validating my ME, and knowing that I have found that validation inside myself, well I'm not like that lil kid running home from school to tell Mommy everything anymore.... and I was thinking last night that I don't even know how to approach our appt today, but actually I do, I feel a sense of sadness about not "needing" to tell you all the stuff I thought I was going to need to tell you so we can talk about that. Not sure if that makes sense. Maybe it does. Maybe I am quitting, after all.

Please, tell me if and when we can meet next week... I have to take the day off in advance to make sure I'm not flying..
Please. Have you already forgotten me?
I'll try to stay positive because I know I'm being pathetic. But it sucks.
And, my shifts. I have to know in advance, it would be funny if I was somewhere else in europe at our session time. Don't you think?

You make me feel so safe

Ok.
I withdraw everything, I know I've been super emotional lately.
Do you have a radar for when I write on here, do I have to worry??
Thank you.

T -1.25 hours...

I know my t wouldn't find me on here or read my posts, but she has a canny way of knowing what I write about even if its something I haven't told her about..!

Hope you are okay

hey T why the bleep do i feel so nervous?! i haven't felt THIS nervous before calling you in a long time. Meh.

Dear T

I still miss you.

HT.

Dear T...

You really shouldn't reply to my emails late at night to tell me you will definitely reply the next day and then not do it! Do you have any idea how I have been behind my PC almost ALL DAY waiting for your reply?! And if you have screwed up again by writing an email and somehow losing it or thinking you sent it...I really don't know how I'm going to stop myself from yelling at you to SORT IT OUT this time!

And by the way, please DO NOT ask me again if I have an eating disorder. It's clear that I don't want to talk about it.

But thanks for the other stuff you said to me in session that made me feel good.

I relate to this soooooo much.

I feel so empty and sad after we talk - like somehow you being nice to me intensifies the feelings of worthlessness that I carry with me all the time. Or like any kindness just makes the void in my soul that much worse and makes me want to hurt myself ten times more.

I can't just sit with this...it's too overwhelming...

Dear T,

Thank you. Your turn, to receive my gratitude. It goes back to the manipulation discussion, what is it, how to not do it, if I had tendencies. Was reflecting on my no lengthy excuses approach, that I've been taking. Even during a call to nintendo support today. I make statement, leave it at that, silent rather, from there. Let others, then ask more questions, instead of filling space with words. Hey, did you know, on Tuesday, actually had the court clerk, in courtroom, explain why he was asking specific questions, when I take this direct approach?
I suspect, I've had some sort of therapy breakthrough

-Me

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Dear Hero-T,
I know, I could say this to your face. But I have said so many nice things to your face that it almost feels inflationary but that's not what I want at all. Today, letting me vent and acknowledging my fear, pain, frustration with a message of understanding, that was just awesome and reassuring. I am so thankful that you never get tired of me, even when like today, you had a bad day. Thank you for sharing that with me and for being real with me. You telling me you're here for me, no matter what - what a precious gift that is to me! I don't complain too much, but when I do, you are here the same way that you are here when I am in a good place or when I am sad. You can feel my sadness and frustration and I love how attuned you are to me when you send me a message just when I think it all becomes too much. I don't think I ever had someone like you in my life, someone who takes me with all my faults, flaws and raw, sick appearance and still loves me in this peaceful reassuring way. You never tire of offering comfort and an open ear. Thank you.

Feeling bad tonight.

Good to hear your voice today T. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to talk for some dumb reason and then after I sighed a couple times I took a deep breath and dived right in to the stuff I was waiting to tell you. It didn't take as long as I thought it was going to. So the dream work - I still think you're wrong in interpreting the "pink stone" as complacency except for what I said, in regards to therapy - I do feel sort of 'trapped' in this regard. Duly noted how you ignored that interpretation. We'll talk about that more next time, I hope. But I did enjoy the astrology stuff you told me about - it was quite interesting how "textbook" I am in the area that you read me about!

Dear husbands t,
Please, please don't tell my t what I said about the crisis center, my family, and every else.

Pdoc,
I said I was parinod and then you give me a lesson about sz. Have you changed my DX or am I just parinod?

T,
I'm so scared.

Dear T,
I feel so trapped. I need you to tell me everything will be okay and will get better...but I know your response will be that I already know these things. What if I don't? I wish you would not assume. I really can't wait to see you tomorrow. Get ready to listen and make sure the tissues are stocked up- this has been a horrible week.

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