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#976
May 01, 2014, 02:09 PM
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Dear t,
We were like strangers today. Leaving you is going to be so difficult. |
 Aloneandafraid
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#977
May 01, 2014, 03:39 PM
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I know I'm doing much better than I used to and I don't need weekly sessions anymore, at least for now. But I can't help being scared about not having them... We're May 1st, at work the season is about to start, two months of crazy hours, barely time to rest, no time for my horses, and of course my flash backs have to flare up now... so the little time I have to rest I won't be able to use.
I've never told you this, but the last two years after a couple weeks into the season all I want was someone to crash into my car so I would be injured enough to not have to work until the craziness is over. I just can't cope with this much stress. I try to, I really do, but it really breaks me down. I'm trying to be positive, to believe that I'm in a much better place and will handle it this year... but truth is I probably won't. At work no one does, so when you add bpd to the situation it's impossible not break down. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through these two months. My goal was to find another job in time not to have to go through this again, but I've failed...as usual.... |
| Aloneandafraid, Freewilled
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#978
May 01, 2014, 06:43 PM
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I think I'm almost at a point where I have the courage to just give up. Nothing is going to make a difference anymore...some things are too broken to be put back together again. And it's long past the point where I stopped wasting your time and everyone else's time and face the fact that there's only one way to put a stop to my nonsense once and for all.
__________________
"Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hangs on everybody / there's a dead man trying to get out..." |
| Aloneandafraid, Freewilled
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#979
May 02, 2014, 12:33 AM
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I am scared to close my eyes in front of people because I don't trust that they won't hurt my. I am scared to lie down near people because it makes me physically vulnerable. But all I want in the world is to curl up next to you and fall asleep so I can feel safe for a little while. I love you and I miss you.
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#980
May 02, 2014, 06:05 AM
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dear d
I finally found out the truth. Here I am believing you all this time, when you were never true. You never were.  Don't act like you care ever again please. Don't look at me please. I hate you so much. Please retire soon.
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 Beatzen
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#981
May 02, 2014, 06:35 AM
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Thank you for pretending the entire time. Thank you for showing me that my enemies are your friends. Thanks for reminding me that I don't have the right to speak for myself. Thanks for pretending and letting me get all these feelings for you over months. Thanks for breaking my heart and leaving me alone. Thanks for getting my trust and then being untrustworthy. Thanks for hurting me more than anyone has in my whole life. We didn't communicate well at all together. Our relationship was meaningless and it should have never started. I wish I could go back in time and erase meeting you. Goodbye.
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| Freewilled
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#982
May 02, 2014, 06:40 AM
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Dear T,
I felt closer last night for much of the time but I can't articulate why. I was more vocal and succinct than normal, but again, I can't explain why. I hate that about myself. I hate that I change so dramatically in how I feel and present. It makes relationships damn near impossible and meeting everyday little goals so frustrating. But thank you for being "on" yesterday and taking advantage of my clarity by guiding me gently toward some things I probably wouldn't be able to talk about much of the time. I'm starting to feel a bit understood by you and I didn't know if that was possible. I appreciate you greatly. |
| Aloneandafraid
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#983
May 02, 2014, 07:31 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hangs on everybody / there's a dead man trying to get out..." |
| Anonymous43207
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#984
May 02, 2014, 12:39 PM
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I know this is obvious but it really hits me viscerally that I need you more and feel so much more deeply about you than you do me. When it comes down to i, if you do not exist in my life,I am still where I was the day I walked into your office.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
| Aloneandafraid
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#985
May 02, 2014, 04:42 PM
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Hi T,
I hope you enjoy your holidays  I miss you but I'm doing okay.I've just realized my own transference - I treat my boss like she would be you  That's not what I'd expect... Of course I do not talk to her about my problems but I send her work related e-mails and she always always responds and sometimes even add something very positive or personal - I could read her e-mails over and over again - oh gash
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| Aloneandafraid
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| Aloneandafraid
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#986
May 02, 2014, 05:22 PM
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Dear Hero-T,
today you really were my hero. You walked in and knew exactly what to do and exactly what to say. You eased my fear. Then, the way you stood up for me, the way you checked with me whether I really got out what I had to say, the way you stood up for you and your wishes regarding this issue - it was amazing and reassuring and it felt so safe that you were there. The few minutes we had alone afterwards when we both knew instantly what to trust and what to take with a grain of salt - that showed the utmost care and deep connection. You were simply amazing today. Thank you.
__________________
 ***Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.*** Mahatma Ghandi |
| coolibrarian
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| Aloneandafraid, coolibrarian
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#987
May 02, 2014, 06:27 PM
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__________________
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| Closed Thread |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
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