Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,

I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

That is all.

- Teal

Dear T,
You trigger me. A lot more than you may realize.

Dear Hero-T,
thank you for you courage to tell me what I needed to hear. You don't know how much it helped me. Or maybe you do, seems you know me better than I know myself sometimes. I do have to say though, your last text made me cry, don't be so sad please. I need you strong right now. A

dear new T,

i was surprised by your exclamation of "wow I have hope for you" ....after my question I asked you.... It was only our 2nd session, does that mean you dont have hope for your patients that you just meet?

I dont trust you much now....

Dear T, I don't want to contact you to cancel our session, it will make me feel worse than I am. Part of me wishes you hadn't kept a space for me so I wouldn't have to do this now. But it looks like you know I tend to feel abandoned as you're showing me you have extra care. So I hate having to call you but it means a lot I guess. Thank you.

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Dear T,

Your promised to stick by me.....I thought you were going to support me.....what happened?

Dear PDoc,

Yes. My Marilyn's. You've been present when I've worn them. Simple black, clunky pumps, that have a little loafer feel to them. L&T...love these.

-Me

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Dear pdoc,
T is going to call you because I've been in crisis. I hope you actually listen to her message. You have such a d***big ego. I can't have a conversation with you and I'm tired of hearing the same story for the 4th time. Next time, I'm going to interrupt you. Don't have time to waste hearing it.

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T, I caved and the predictable happened. Now I am spending my time trying to distract from it all. I don't know if I can bring myself to ask for more help, so you will just have to figure that out. I don't want ot be a bother... and I don;t know if I will be able to tell you I caved.

Dear elusive T.
I'm sure u kno I don't trust you, but there must b a part that does that wants to talk to you. Probably a young part & now you've blown her off for 2 days & she's melting away entirely crushed by your lack of communication. Once again she sits in a corner crying bec she's never heard. Let's just start the abuse all over again! You said "I'll email it to you in a few minutes" that was 4 hrs ago. Do I slip thru ur mind so easily? Don't u understand what it means when I'm planning? Hello. I'm not going to spoon feed you; you have to meet me half way.
Now you invade my every thought waiting to hear from you, but I won't give in & call you. No way in hell!
Smarten up or I'm out of here!!

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You make me feel like I'm not a freak for thinking and feeling some of what I do.

YT....

Thanks for everything... It was nice to feel like it mattered... Like I mattered... But you are gone now.

New T, thanks for pointing out the entitlement.. The "I deserves"... I totally get that I am not a special bunny... I dont know what is "right" every T has their own opinion and as #4 I have heard alot of versions of "right"....I think I will go back to my original personal version of right... That and combined with my knowing it is my choice and I could choose differently... I should be able to do it all without being resentful....now that I get that I dont "deserve" anything special...

I think you realize I wont be rescheduling.

I have had enough. I want to go to sleep and not wake up again.

Dear T,

You're great. You never judge, tell me stuff that I really want to believe, (like that my parents are idiots and I'm not) and you always have faith. In me and in the situation and in there being options.
But I don't have that faith, and I know I won't get better. The nightmares might go away, but a very large part of me is dead and can't be revived. And I don't want to - can't - fight anymore. I'm so tired.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for everything.

Hero-T, you gave me peace today. When you said those words out loud, reaching for my hand, you brought healing. A

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Dear T,
Thank you for calling me back when I was in a depressed crisis. You gave me good insight,something to do, and something not to do. That helped me focus on something. Take my mind off self harm and the depression. Thanks for your help.

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dear T

i didnt take my meds last night. now im paying for it.

sorry to u and to me

me

I miss you so much Dr. S
Thanks for your sweet note the other day

Dear T,

I wanted you to take the lead but you didn't....don't know why I expected that you might - wishful thinking, I guess. I don't know what you want. I don't know how to go deeper. If I can't connect with my feelings, how can therapy do anything more than to frustrate the heck out of us both??? I *really* want to depend on you but I can't imagine the "how" of it....I want you to be my rescuer but we've determined that won't help and isn't feasible anyways....sooooo you want me to trust you and give up my "I can do it all by myself" attitude but you can't fix it. So how exactly does that work I don't get it.

T, you would be proud of me. It did come up, and I handled it pretty well. Thanks for walking through this scenario in our last session. You were right on the mark.

Dear T...

I really do question if there is a sociopath present and it makes me want to stay back and limit my exposure. I hope what I am suspecting is not true, because there is so much influence on others and it is cruel. I don't know what to replace this "coping option" with. You are right about focusing on protecting myself though and I have been less prevalent lately.

Thank you so much for being my advocate today. Your attitude worked in my favor and now my medication issue is being resolved after weeks of dealing with the stupid office. It was very amusing telepathically communicating while you were on the phone with them and it gave me a good laugh. Thanks for always having my back. I love knowing I can always count on you.

<3 Ally

i think you like me to be frustrated

T, you are so present all the time but I need you right now because I feel so angry. Please tell me this will pass! Please tell me it will go away. I don't like myself this way and I don't understand what you meant with what you said last night. How does it help me to know that being angry is fine? I feel lost. A

Dear T,

You are on your break and I would have seen you today. Why do big things happen when youre on holiday?!

I miss you

Hi T

Its been 2 weeks since I saw you, and I have another 5 days until I see you again. I am starting to miss you.
I need to talk about my mother with you. I am scared for her.
See you soon, T. I miss you.
HT.