Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear Sweet T,
Therapy is not painless but it seems to be doing some good. I feel very grateful for finding you honestly, please don't terminate me. Really hope that you aren't secretly hating me, I'm working on stuff. Pathetic fantasy hugs. - Petra

Dear T
Please show me some connection - a hug, a pat on the back - anything!
I just feel so alone and so very afraid - of the many changes, the stuff I am doing to myself, the abuse, and I feel bad for telling you - I don't want to push you away. I can't stop thinking about you - all the time - what is going on? I put on my mask to the world but it is slipping and I am afraid. I can't talk to anyone else. Please be there for me more.

Hero-T, you are on my mind this morning. I hope you feel better today and I hope you know I care about you. It's fine if you have to cancel our session today, I won't be sad at all. But I know you won't cancel and you will be just as wonderful as always and I love you for that. But know, I am not made of glass and you don't have to be afraid of breaking me if you can't always be here for me. A

What I've feared the most has already happened, T. So why do I keep recreating it?
Maybe just to reassure myself of my place in this world? To make sure I don't forget that I don't fit? I already know this. I don't need this lesson again.

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Dear T,
thank you for being there for me as part of my support group when I needed you. I had my daughter, you and my pdoc, You all came together and helped me during my crisis last week. It's good to know that I have you all in my court when I need you. Thanks again for being there for me you always have been.

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It looks like im decompensating.
I'm too scared to tell you how bad it is because you'll probably think im trying to get attention.

Thank you T, you were so soothing
I appreciate you so much...

i feel so much better.

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T, I don't know if I can do it. I have been thinking about it all evening. I can't, I just can't. It seems too hard to let go. Perhaps I need permission somehow, from someone at some point. I know it will be you and I know that will hurt and feel freeing at the same time. But it fills me with so much fear. A

dear T

im glad u liked my collage. i didnt notice i had been talking and expressing more about wanting to engage the voices. thanks for noting that. hope u have a relaxing weekend. talk to u tonight at 8 30. byeeeeeeeee

me

Dear T,

I don't understand why the people who violated MY privacy think that they deserve to have their life secrets kept private?

What happened yesterday hurt

T, I am suddenly relieved and glad that your suspicion was spot on and proved to be true. And I can see it now! That helped so much! A

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What did you mean when you thanked me for sending you my "journaling?" What's up with the quotes?

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Dear T...

I just don't get it. Do you not know me at all?? How could you be so clumsy with your words?! I know you're not that great about getting your point across in writing...but REALLY?! How do you think I would not be offended and hurt by what you wrote. I am so angry with you right now

T, I'm not okay with this weight gain. I don't want to relapse. I am internalizing your teachings and I do eat most of the times. But everytime I look at the scale I want to cry. It's childish I know, but I need you to watch me, your commitment makes me feel safer.

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Dear T,

I feel so far away from you....it makes me wonder if I've really ever been "close" to you....maybe I just pretended to be. I don't think it matters if I continue to see you or not so what's the point? I feel weird about things now and no idea how I would ever talk to you about it. I'm just hoping it will pass....

I wish you would be more involved in our sessions. Sometimes I think you gave up on me a long time ago

Dear PDoc,

Aside from hooting and hollering about the Bruins !!!

Don't know how/why, but thanks. Humanized authority figures, at some point during all these years in your office.

-Me

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Dear T

Our last session was painful to me--like you were trying to get me to unwrap a very painful wound.

Dear T: Oh I hope you do. I really really hope you do because you know that is close enough that I would drive up for a couple of in-person appointments. I go there a couple times a year anyway as it is!!!

This is a message to me if my t terminates. Been seeing her for 7 yrs. I think there's been a severe rupture but she is not answering my text or email for over a week now. Our appt is next week. I have a strong feeling she will terminate and refer.

I'm pretty sure it's over. I said too much, needed too much. I proved myself right. Politely take the referrals, throwing them away in the stairwell and thank her. U tell her u want to go at it alone for a while. U politely decline her offer to communicate with another t. U even can ask to be excused early if u must. Then u walk away. U are steady and strong. U get in ur car and then decide ur next move. But u never ever make contact again. You are defeated. You are broken. You hide away and never try to explain again. Perhaps u go off your meds so u don't have to face your psychiatrist. You NEVER have faith in another human being again. After a while, if it's just too much, you set a date and make your plans, never saying a word. So quickly, so quietly- they will never know u have gone. You exit. Then the shame fear and hurt will cease, if only for a moment until u are thrown into the next incarnation. It's ok to go home now. I've got you. By the way, I'm so sorry.

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Dear t,

You replied to my reschedule email at 1.30am. Its very short. No wonder you don't care when I talk about not sleeping.

You sounded mad I thought we had moved past this?

T, thanks for scheduling next week. I know that I'm now adjusting to my new habits and don't have to care about it too much now, but that stupid number on the scale that has skyrocketed in no time and clothes getting tighter just make my blood freeze.

Now: can you help me put up with this +7?????

Dear T,

It seems you have no idea how much I need you in my life. I tried to tell you but I guess you're blind or just choose to ignore it. Either way, I get the picture. I soon won't be a burden to you any longer. It will be the hardest thing I ever do (to leave you). I wonder if you'll be relieved or if you'll finally realize that you miss me too?