Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,

I thought you understood me....I thought you realized things....I thought wrong.

I absolutely detest me and I'm so sorry. I'm so ashamed.

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Dear T,

all I have for you in my heart is gratitude. Thank you for seeing me for who I am. Thank you for listening to me, encouraging me, caring about me. You have changed my life in three months - how is that possible?
You have been patient, kind, attentive - you went out of your way to connect with me, to help me when I needed it. Your presence in my life is has transformed me and my thoughts.
Thank you for always being there and never giving up on me. You're just awesome.

Or last session was awful. You closed down everything I said and lectured me for ages. Why don't you have empathy? You keep telling me I am depressed, I think you are. I am fed up of rupture after rupture. I am fed up of worrying about you.

Dear T,

Thanks for being so accepting of my feelings. Thanks you for reminding me it's ok to have them and for urging me to change my relationship with them instead of trying to pocket them.

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Please help me

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((Hugs)), RQ I really hope that you manage to terminate this T. She has caused you nothing buy heartache for a while now.
I am not lecturing you at all, I care about you, but the only person who can change this situation is you. Please care about yourself enough to find a good T

Dear T(talk therapist T),

You are correct. If I say black, he says white. I say up, he says down. Anything to just purposely state the opposite of myself.

I have, the past two years, expressed interest in moving back to homebase, well, at least where I went to high school, and lived on and off, when coming home from college, and the year, after college.

I have given, clear valid reasons. Even, so much, to explain how and why a tri-mester grading system, makes it overtly difficult for children to go to college or get into the colleges of their top choices. Which, for that college talk, I get, where he didn't go, blah blah. Just because he didn't have an opportunity, not interest, no need to set the kids up, to not be able to go where they want, if they so choose to go. This part, wasn't evident to me, until the past couple of years, of working in the high school and talking to moms of high school aged kids.

No, no, no, he kept stating, alongside of racist remarks, made, about it, he also kept calling me crazy to even entertain such a movement. Now, the point about the city movement, is that by virtue of the troubles it has had, with the making the mark in it's overall grades, it was on probation, when I was there, then lost accreditation, then receivership, yet, the top performing students aren't actually limited because of it. Some of the troubles I'd seen there, were marks against rugs on floors, things to that nature, not necessarily the teaching staff. ANd because of this, children there, have the option to waiver into any local area high school. So, it gives the kids options.

But like you observed, through our years of sessions, I say black, he says white.

-Me

Dear T,

I miss him so bad but I can't tell you because you'll say I need to move on and forget him. You'll say he was no good for me. I don't care!!! Why don't you hear me? I MISS him something awful and I NEED him something awful. That's just how it is. It doesn't have to make sense. Love often doesn't make sense you know.

Dear T,
I have got it but it has been added to my (disturbingly large) "can't be arsed to deal with that" pile of stuff for now. No doubt I'll make a barely half arsed effort sometime before I next see you just so I can say that I did, but right now I'm struggling to see the point and really don't care

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Dear T,

I've been working on addressing the 'love interest' aspect of all of this legal brew haha;

By the time, the court trial comes around, it will be well over one year of daily contact/communication.

What I wrote out"We treat each other, respectfully. Displaying an honest, respectful, loving relationship for my boys to mirror, is in their best interests."
Then I completed writing, "I didn't place it under real advantage part of the memo, because our relationship translates here or there. It's not why[insert state].(period.)

Now, I can further address the why not here. Because of the threats over the summer, is why.
And another thing, why should he have to give up a well paying job, that he currently has, to struggle to find something of similar pay here? Which, there aren't many, in that range. (at least deep down, nothing to be obtained at a lower rate and takes 10-12 years to build up to, if you catch my drift?)

-Me

Dear T

Gosh, that hurt

Also- I swear that you are reading my posts here. No sooner do I post something and you bring it up at the next session. If you are reading, I don't think I want to know. I would rather think that you actually respect my privacy and that you are just very well attuned to me. I fear that I am wrong.

HT.

Dear old T,

I miss you so much.

That's all.

Dear T,

Fu(c)k you!

Dear T,

Thank you for your encouragement in all the work I am doing to get well physically, mentally, and emotionally. It really means a lot to hear you say those things. Thank you for the reminders that I am in fact doing really well. That is the reminder I need when I get really hard on myself and have blinders on to the progress I have made.

You always seem to know what to say and how to say it so I can fairly easily take it in and think about it. In fact it is scary at times but I push through because most of the time I see your point.

Thanks,
MELISSSAD81

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Dear T: I do not know if I am getting well. It's been like over a year since we met, so, like, I should not be taking up space in your office anymore, right? I should be over the anxiety, depression, and all the other issues, shouldn't I?
If you left, like to take a different job, it would crush me. I do not see you as a mom, but you are pretty important to me just now. I secretly hope our/my therapy goes on for quite a while yet, only because I know I am not quite well. Maybe I should be, but, well, sorry, I am not. I am sorry I am such a mess. Every time we deal with an issue, another one appears. You must be so tired of me. Sorry.

Dear T,

Things were weird today. That question you asked me was very loaded...and I'm wondering if you've been waiting to ask me that for a while? It felt like you had. But I could have been being defensive. I think it was probably some of both.

Pretty sure I had a case of dissociation today in session and you didn't notice. Its never happened before and I didn't know what to do. I yelled at you in my head, begging you to just open the door and see it for what it was. I would have cried if you had simply asked me what was going on. But instead, you told me you could not read me, and I could not talk...so we both sat a bit confused about what to do.

I just think we had a very weird session today. It was no ones fault - it's what happens when you are doing "the work" but still...

Hopefully next session is better.

T, whatever it is we did last session-it has to stop! This is too much for me-I can't tolerate this!!! I didn't know this was going to happen!!

Dear T,

Hate to say this and definitely won't say it in session BUT do you know what's going on between us? Like really? Sometimes I seem to believe you know all of what's going on. And then there are the times I think maybe not so much.....like some of the things you say.....yes, I will give an example lol. Like when you tried to tell me that my different ways of being or distinctness that I was trying so desperately to explain to you with such difficulty in verbalizing it all - when you said they are both me....well yeah. I know but I don't know.....and I have plenty of other examples that I'm sure would escape me once I get in your presence. I mean, I'm really not trying to be a *****, T!

When I told you I need you to believe me, I didn't know exactly where that was coming from or what I needed you to believe. It was just a desperate part of me crying out for it....but I'm starting to think it may be related less to the content and more to my experience....well at least first, at least right now. Our process. I need you to believe in that stuff. This crap. The **** that makes NO sense! That I'm not being ridiculous. Cause T? This is it. This is what I've been suffering with all these years. I've basically laid it all out there, bare and completely exposed, in front of you even though I did NOT want to do so. I couldn't help it. It's all that unconscious **** that squirts out despite my best intentions to hide it all away.

If you can believe in it - and I keep coming back to you because I'm almost sure you do - well, then what's next? I can't really imagine because nobody has ever believed in my experience before.

Dear PDoc,

Don't quite comprehend the draw to the view, from your window, but two different kids of mine, at roughly the same age.....



Sigh. Like black and gold? :-)

-Me
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Dear T,

please let me know if you want me to go away.

Dear T: I've got so much I want to share with you! I've done so much good work since our last appointment and with only minimal contact with you to accomplish it... I am so looking forward to our next appt, 4/24 just can't get here soon enough!!

dear T,
u are so supportive of me. i wish there was a way to pay u back. u go out of ur way to help me when i am in need. i appreciate u so much. thank u for working with me.

me

(and btw T, I miss you.)

I really want to talk to you, I feel like I am running away from the emotions bubbling beneath the surface, just waiting to "fall apart". But I know I need to cope on my own, I need to be able stand on my own two feet, use my real world coping strategies and limited support.

It's just, I really don't want to(even though I am), what I really want is to talk to you and have you help me. I am fed up, totally fed up, with my past continuing to affect me now. And fed up of the lingering sensations.

Can't you please just 'know' somehow T, and magically call me to check in? I know you never have done that in over a year, but can't you now?? Ugh....this is not a good feeling.