Talked with T about attachment and now not sure what to think or how to feel

It wasn't even so much that she was telling me what was good for me as that she wanted me to talk about my reaction to her boundaries, which is fine, but first I wanted her to clarify exactly what those boundaries were, and she didn't want to play it like that. She was like, "I've been really clear with you re. boundaries," which obviously isn't all that true considering she then broke her own boundaries several times within the past couple of months and said that's fine once in awhile but just use my judgement...which isn't good enough for me.

I can totally understand why you'd feel that way, attachment stuff is laden with shame and embarrassment and a T has to really work to be gentle and delicate when they are dealing with this. This is exactly why I'm too scared to directly address some of this stuff myself, LOL. It sounds like your T was a bit harsh, it's probably a style she picked up in the past and uses on everyone, many T's seem to have boundaries like this.

I think you might want to discuss it with her actually. Also, try to look at it from the perspective she's most likely doing this to help you, it might be really damaging to you if she lets you get used to the contact and then there is a rupture in the therapy, etc etc... the whole cant be friends and in a therapeutic relationship thing. If she was all about money why not let you pay for as many sessions a week as you want. You need someone to talk to but you have to find them out of therapy, and that wont happen if your T befriends you. I think the biggest error she made was her approach didn't explain why or anything, it just seemed to humiliate you for something that is almost a standard process of therapy.

I think she actually is VERY clear on boundaries and good with them; I think she made "exceptions" a couple times for me because she thought it would help me trust her, which it very much did. And even though Ts are "supposed" to keep their feelings out of the room, I actually think I prefer it when she's honest with me about how she's responding to me or interpreting me, even if it's hard to hear. Like one time a few months ago when I was feeling vulnerable and projecting that and taking that out on her and not being very nice, she said, "You know, it's really unpleasant when you talk to me (or treat me or something like that) like this." And sort of jarred me, but it also really opened my eyes to what I was doing and got me to really notice when I was doing that with people who were not her, and that was really helpful to me. And I would much prefer a human T who tells me when she's frustrated with me than a robot T.

And I guess maybe I do feel like this whole boundary thing is my responsibility...because it feels to me like I've done something wrong, and I think she didn't mean for me to think that; it's just the way I interpreted it. Like she said she didn't mind any of the times I called before and it's not like a major hardship to receive a call from a client about progress they're making, and that it's totally normal to want to share this stuff with her...so I think maybe it might be just my sensitivities here...I don't know. I really don't want to overstep at all...

A T can still be human and not bring themselves into the therapy session. It's not an either or situation, a robot or a human... there is a middle. And yes it's acceptable for a therapist to point out if you're speaking to them unpleasantly, but they have to keep their own feeling out the room, ie not be led by their emotions. So if she feels annoyed she needs to notice that and file it away for her own therapy or supervision.

But i see what you're saying, that this is more about how you felt rather than anything she did?

That's sort of the issue because I don't think I AM using her as a friend or something; I have lots of other friends and other people to talk to and share stuff with, and I definitely don't want her to be my friend. I have no desire to see her outside of our sessions and I know someday I won't need her anymore and we will part ways, and I have no issue with that. I don't think I actually AM dependent on her, which is I think why I got annoyed because it seemed to me like she thought I was and was discounting all the progress I've made re. independence and creating my own support system.

Definitely more about how I felt. There was something about the whole interaction that just felt wrong and unsafe and uncomfortable, which is completely different than how I've been feeling with her for the past few weeks...I can't pinpoint exactly which specific things made me feel that way, but I felt myself getting more and more upset as the session progressed even though there was no real trigger for that. Maybe I was just tired or feeling vulnerable and thus oversensitive...something to bring up with her tomorrow when I see her again...

Do you thing she was viewing you as needy or dependant and you've worked hard not to be that way and it's like she's discounted how hard you've worked? Almost like she's doubting your ability to not need her?

I could be wrong, but i sense from your posts that it's very important for you to be seen as not needing her or depending on her? What does being dependent mean to you, is that a shameful thing?

Yes, that's how it felt to me...but that isn't actually what she was saying; she even said explicitly that I had made some really good changes and it was really rewarding for her to see that in me...and yes it is SUPER important for me not to depend on her because a) she doesn't want me to and b) old baggage...

You are very loyal to your T.

Whether it is good or bad, I leave to you.
But in your place, I would have no doubt at all that T was in the worng.

You do seem to be taking on all the responsibility for this Yearning. I'm not T-bashing and i realise we don't know all the details of your therapist/client relationship but it seems to me that maybe she's not meeting some needs you have and as a result you're trying to deny they exist.

Being needy or dependent or vulnerable is ok and especially in therapy. I wonder if you began to feel safe when she responded to you outside of therapy previously, that her taking time for you proved her cared for you and that she was a trustworthy person, it helped cement the bond and her reaction the other day was more distant and rejecting, like she was saying that she wasn't going to be that person for you. Maybe you're feeling a bit cheated? Like she's rejecting you.

Yes. Exactly. That's exactly how it feels. But that's also weird because she has helped me so much over the past few months and it really felt (feels?) like she cares about me (even though whenever I ask her this, her response is, "I care about all my clients" and I pretty much need to just be satisfied with that...) so I don't know if this is me being oversensitive or not...or if that's even what a T is supposed to be...

There is no such thing as oversensitive. Your feelings are your feeling and there is no right or wrong. You are entitled to feel how you feel.

(omg, you know how when you say something and you think " i sound like my mother"? ^^^^ Well i just channelled my therapist hahaha)

Seriously tho... she sounds very "by the book", you weren't asking if she cares about all her clients, you were asking her if she cares about YOU. You don't need generic answers. Would it really kill her to say " Yes, Yearning, i care about you very much and i want you to succeed"
To feel safe in your therapy you need to know the person sitting across from you cares enough not to betray you, destroy you, hurt you et etc. That's natural, that is survival. I know that sounds very dramatic but for a lot of clients it is survival. By asking if she cares, you're asking if she can be trusted with your heart.

I had a therapist similar to yours last year and i just could not progress because i felt like she was so clinical and almost cold. With my new therapist, i've told her more in 3.5 months than i did in the whole 8 months with the old one.

Sometimes I don't know if my desire for her to say she cares about ME specifically is part of the problem and just my old patterns or an actual thing that might be good for me...I have made A LOT of progress with her in six months, way more than I made with any more "lax" therapists in the past who I formed really unhealthy attachments to, so I don't know. I saw a therapist for four years who was way less boundaried but with whom I made absolutely no progress, so I'm not sure.

That's sort of the issue because I don't think I AM using her as a friend or something; I have lots of other friends and other people to talk to and share stuff with, and I definitely don't want her to be my friend. I have no desire to see her outside of our sessions and I know someday I won't need her anymore and we will part ways, and I have no issue with that. I don't think I actually AM dependent on her, which is I think why I got annoyed because it seemed to me like she thought I was and was discounting all the progress I've made re. independence and creating my own support system.