[Focus62]

I had an interesting session with my T today and now I am left with a thought that I will explain in a second. First though, I need to explain briefly what happened today in session. CSA trigger, may be too graphic, fyi.

I am a CSA survivor of a very sadistic man...he used to cut me repeatedly with a knife (mostly on the ribs, few other places) while he raped and molested me as a small child. Who knows why...he just did. I was discussing with my T about the scars I am left with and how much pain I feel in my ribs during a flashback. There is a particular scar he liked to reopen a lot, thus is never healed quite right and has always stayed red and raised, never turned white like the others. I have another cut on my bicep that is easily visible when I wear t-shirts and I was telling her that one of the cuts on my ribs was a lot like the one on my arm and showed her from my seat (the one on my arm also is red and never went white). We talked for a second more and she got up from her seat and came over and looked at it closer, without any warning. She didn't touch me (she never does, my rules) and she quickly backed off when she realized I was startled. I wasn't afraid of her really, just surprised was all. I asked her why she had gotten up to look at it, and she told me that she wanted to share it with me, help me carry it (or something along those lines). I didn't have time to think about it much before we moved on to other topics, but after session I realized how powerful that was for me... no one has ever cared about or acknowledged that before (mostly because nobody knows what it's from but still).

So this brings me to my question... after today I find myself wanting to push it a little further. I want to ask her to touch it, run a finger over it, just for a second. I want to prove to myself that it's okay to be touched and I don't have to be afraid, but also I think it would be helpful for me to have someone I trust to acknowledge that pain by more than just hearing about it... I feel like it might bring it to reality a little bit. I can't deny something somebody is able to touch and feel. I feel like it could be helpful to me...but it's so embarrassing and totally a weird thing to ask for. Would a T be okay with this? Anybody know? I don't know if I can get up the nerve to ask...how do you ask for such a thing??

And even then...I'm not sure she would touch me given my normally rigid boundaries about touch. But if I am asking for it, then maybe she would see it differently.

I have a week before I'll see her again, but in that time, hopefully I can build up the courage to ask and not feel totally weird about it. I just don't want to make her uncomfortable because then I'll be uncomfortable and it'll just be really hard for me to move past..

[Freewilled]

I don't think its weird at all. You can ask her for whatever you want and she can decide yes or no. Maybe you could start off sharing how the experience of her coming over to see your scars impacted you. Tell her you want to talk about it more and go from there.

[purplemystery]

Touch can be healing, and it sounds like this is what it would be for you if your T touched it in the gentle, loving way that I'm sure she would. I think that T's generally have outlined boundaries, but they are flexible to accommodate extenuating circumstances or for each unique person. So even if your T has a no-touch policy (and it sounds like you're not sure if she does), in your case there is a clear reason for her to go against that. I agree with Freewilled that it at the least, it can't hurt to talk to her about it. And you can explain to her what it would mean to you before you ask.

[withoutthelove_]

If you think her touching you in a caring manner could be beneficial for you, go for it! Learning that you can be touched by another person in a caring, gentle manner is an important lesson I think, whether you're a survivor of abuse or not.

I, for example, flinch and/or tense up whenever someone touches me. I feel like taking a leaf out of your book, Focus, and asking my own T for some kind of contact - a hug, pat on the shoulder, etc.

[Focus62]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

So even if your T has a no-touch policy

I don't think she has a no-touch policy. I could be remembering this wrong, but I think she actually described herself as a "touchy-feely" person a couple years ago... but I still feel weird asking!

Originally Posted by withoutthelove_

I, for example, flinch and/or tense up whenever someone touches me. I feel like taking a leaf out of your book, Focus, and asking my own T for some kind of contact - a hug, pat on the shoulder, etc.

I do the same thing when people touch me. I am a college student and I have some professors that move around the room when they lecture and I always wind up getting a hand rested on my shoulder for some reason. It's like they seek me out or something. I hate it!! I think I finally found a seat in one of my classes though that he never goes near . More power to you if you ask for a hug . I want to ask for just a finger or two for a second...I can't even imagine a hug.

Anybody else ever asked a T for something weird like this?

[SeekerOfLife]

If you feel you need this, ask for it. Your T. may feel honored that you trust her enough to ask for this.

By the way, what is CSA ?

[Focus62]

Childhood Sexual Abuse is CSA.

I want to ask but...I'm worried she won't say it's okay and then it's just going to be awkward, I guess. I wish I knew someone that had done this before.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by Focus62

Childhood Sexual Abuse is CSA.

I want to ask but...I'm worried she won't say it's okay and then it's just going to be awkward, I guess. I wish I knew someone that had done this before.

Trigger for scars/CSA? IDK...

Yeah, I got a lot of scars too on my body and legs- same reason (hands were mine place). When hospitalized in my teens for SUI I got a doc who asked me if she could touch them. I said no way, felt really weird. I myself hate to touch them even accidentally- you know how numb they feel from the nerve damage? I guess she was trying to emphasize... so maybe it does happen? Sorry, that's the best I can offer. I don't know personally anybody who did it.
Try to ask for what you think might help.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Focus62

Childhood Sexual Abuse is CSA.

I want to ask but...I'm worried she won't say it's okay and then it's just going to be awkward, I guess. I wish I knew someone that had done this before.

What good work you are doing!

I can identify with being afraid to ask and being told no. It can feel awful - worse than not asking. And yet not asking feels bad now.

Would it work to say something like "I want to ask you something, and you will have the right to say yes or no. and I know that. But I'm afraid it will be awkward if you say no and that would be worse than not asking. If I ask you something very hard, and you want to say no, will you be very gentle with me, and explain to me why in ways that won't make me feel judged or blamed?

or something like that, that fits your situation?

[Focus62]

Originally Posted by Syra

What good work you are doing!

I can identify with being afraid to ask and being told no. It can feel awful - worse than not asking. And yet not asking feels bad now.

Would it work to say something like "I want to ask you something, and you will have the right to say yes or no. and I know that. But I'm afraid it will be awkward if you say no and that would be worse than not asking. If I ask you something very hard, and you want to say no, will you be very gentle with me, and explain to me why in ways that won't make me feel judged or blamed?

or something like that, that fits your situation?

Thanks for the suggestion, I like your wording. Maybe I will try this. I hope I can do it. It's nerve-wracking just thinking about it!

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Focus62

Thanks for the suggestion, I like your wording. Maybe I will try this. I hope I can do it. It's nerve-wracking just thinking about it!

Yeah. This can be hard,especially if it's new, but I don't know if it's new for you. It would be hard anyway. It's vulnerable. My experience is that I HATE being vulnerable, and when I am vulnerable, people are usually kinder - especially if I tell them what kindness would look like. I don't know why that lesson doesn't take and make it easier to be vulnerable.

Would it help to write out exactly how you want to phrase it, and then hand it to her so you don't have to speak the words?

If your T cannot realize a delicate situation/question that warrants a compassionate response then you need another therapist.

I asked my T if he could touch me as a grounding mechanism. When I asked initially, I didn't phrase it well, and I was really afraid he would take it in a creepy way, but he knew immediately what I was asking for. He offered hugs as a way to reassure me that I am not gross, he does not feel repulsed or contaminated by me, and to help me feel contained when I leave. It has been hugely healing. Good luck to you in taking this huge step!

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Winterski

If your T cannot realize a delicate situation/question that warrants a compassionate response then you need another therapist.

I agree with you.

Sometimes I write it and prepare something not because I think it's likely T will be insensitive, but because I feel safer if I've made clear what I want. T has on occasion guessed wrong or misread a situation and said something hurtful, unintentionally. It was hurtful in how I took it, not how T said it. We worked it out, but when I'm at my tenderest, it's a lot harder, and a diversion from the hard topic I'm trying to be brave enough to talk about. And even though I know T responds so much better than most other people, I'm still scared I'll get back what others might insensitively say, however irrational that fear might be. So it helps me feel safer if I can be clear what I want.

[Focus62]

Originally Posted by Winterski

If your T cannot realize a delicate situation/question that warrants a compassionate response then you need another therapist.

Thanks for posting this. After reading this, I asked myself if T would be able to realize that it would be a delicate situation for me...and I know she would. She is a good T and has not lead me wrong yet... I think I'm worrying too much. I'm 75% sure she would say yes to my request and that she would do it...I think the only thing that would hold her back is either school policy (she is a T that is employed by my university) or knowing MY strict no-touch policy and thinking perhaps I am not ready yet. But if I directly ask for it? I think that means I'm ready...and I think she would think that too.

Syra-- I think you're right. Being clear in what I am wanting; telling her what will help and what won't, is a good way to do this.

[SeekerOfLife]

There are things I would like to say to my T. also. But, I am afraid.
Last time I saw her, I almost said, "I wish we could be friends." I know that is not allowed between a T and a client. It would make me happy to think that someday she and I could be friends (outside of therapy of course).

Sometimes I want to tell her I love her (like a friend or a sister), but I am very afraid that whatever she might say, I would feel rejected. Sigh.

[unlockingsanity]

Touch is a really "touchy" topic in therapy. I'd be prepared for a "no" and how you'd handle that if that is your T's answer. You know, just in case so you have your bases covered.

[TheWell]

I showed my therapist my scars during Group Therapy. I was wearing shorts and they are above my knee. He asked me if he could touch them. I said yes and it was awesome. No one had ever touched my scars. It was so healing for me that he wasn't disgusted by my scars.