[growlithing]

I was talking to LCM today. If you recall from my previous post about having fake conversations with her in my mind, I had one that was fairly upsetting because it brought up something really distressing for me to realize. I told LCM about it. Aside from what the content was, she said was really impressed with how accurate the responses I had her give to me. She said she would have responded to everything I asked in the hypothetical conversation in the exact same way... except I made one mistake. She said therapists aren't supposed to ask "why". They can ask it in a different way, but using the word "why" in the way that I had her respond to me wouldn't be good. I asked her why. She laughed and said "of course you'd ask me why?"
"Well I'm not a therapist so I can ask that". She didn't answer it and got me back on the topic.

Does anyone know why the word "why" isn't good? I'm just curious. LCM admitted to making that mistake a lot. I'm just wondering why asking me "why would that bother you" vs "how would that affect you" or "what about that would make you feel uncomfortable" would have a different impact because I'd answer all of those questions the same way.

I'm sorry about being vague about the fake conversation because I know if I wrote about it directly, this whole post would be easier to follow, but I have a very hard time talking about it. It made me cry for hours originally and made me cry again when I told LCM about it on the phone tonight.

[Wren_]

i haven't heard that as far as therapists not asking before ... but my first T always told me I should never ask her why

I said why?

she gave an answer

I said why?

she gave an answer

I said why?

she gave an answer ... and so on, then she explained that's why I shouldn't ask why ... because it always seemed to lead to more questions and I was always left wanting to know the next "why"

of course ... I still want to know why

not sure if that connects at all to what your therapist was saying but that's been my experience with the word why in therapy

[owlpride]

Does anyone know why the word "why" isn't good? I'm just curious. LCM admitted to making that mistake a lot. I'm just wondering why asking me "why would that bother you" vs "how would that affect you" or "what about that would make you feel uncomfortable" would have a different impact because I'd answer all of those questions the same way.

I used to volunteer at a crisis line. We were trained not to ask "why" questions because it puts some people on the defensive. Asking "why did you do...?" in social conversation often communicates disapproval, implying that the person made a bad decision.

This is very interesting! My T asks me "why" all the time. Not in a way that ever makes me defensive, which is actually rather remarkable because I tend to make the assumption that he disapproves of me - yet I don't sense that in his "why" questions.

When T asks me why I think this or that, or why I don't want to talk about this or that, or why I reacted in such and such a way to something, it makes me feel as if he is genuinely interested in me, my reactions, and my feelings. And the questions make me reflect in a way that I don't normally do, on my own thoughts, words, and actions. I think that's the reason for his asking the questions in the first place. (And when I ask him things he often wants to know why I ask - again, that makes me feel genuinely listened to, and I sense that he really wants to understand me. I know that some other people dislike the question very much, so this is just how I react, not how everybody reacts.)

[feralkittymom]

It can also often lead to a dead end when the client so often doesn't know why they feel something or respond a certain why. It implies a deeper reason than the surface reason, and tends to distract clients from further exploration that they can then feel validation and control from.

And it is the "onion" question that simply leads to endless layers of whys.

It isn't inherently a bad question, and can be very appropriate for some clients to encourage deeper reflection.

[Raging Quiet]

I am training to be a t, our teacher (also a t) said we should deter from asking why because it could be taken by the client that they have done something incorrectly.

When my t asks me why, I always reply "I don't know" because it makes me feel defensive to.

[Middlemarcher]

I agree that "why?" questions tend to put me on the defensive.

I have also had the experience that a "why?" question didn't lead to fruitful insight, but a differently phrased question did. In one of my sessions, I had told my T, "Honestly, I don't want to be in a world where there's no perfect love. It's not worth it." "Why not?" my T said. I rarely say "I don't know" in session, but I thought and thought and just couldn't come up with any reason. So I said it. And she said, "Let me ask a better question. What would a world without a perfect love be like?" And then I was off and running with answer after answer, that gave insight into where this thought was really springing from inside me.

[Petra5ed]

Yeah so of course I don't know why, lol, but I'm full of opinions!

I'd think that subconsciously asking why implies misunderstanding, well imply might not be the right word, it basically says "I don't get you." Therapists seem to try to stay attuned constantly, and project that they understand so it seems like this could leave a person feeling a bit hurt. Also like someone else said, a person might feel defensive like their decision was stupid or nonsensical.

[PeeJay]

Interesting post, Growli. I thought about this for a while before responding.

"Why" questions are cognitive and keep people in their heads, examining.

And a lot of times, people DO KNOW why they are sad, for instance, but it doesn't help them feel less sad.

So, "why" might satisfy an intellectual curiosity, but it doesn't help change the emotion.

Helping clients to feel emotions is all the rage in therapy circles these days. So, they want you to feel the emotion, locate it in your body, and express it in therapy, to better know yourself.

And "why" potentially keeps you above the problem, and can be a way to avoid getting down into the messiness of your experience.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

It can also often lead to a dead end when the client so often doesn't know why they feel something or respond a certain why. It implies a deeper reason than the surface reason, and tends to distract clients from further exploration that they can then feel validation and control from.

And it is the "onion" question that simply leads to endless layers of whys.

It isn't inherently a bad question, and can be very appropriate for some clients to encourage deeper reflection.

I guess I can see where asking me "why" could potentially prompt me into a dead end if the reason why wasn't so obvious (in this instance, it was one of those things where the answer to the question was so obvious that it probably didn't need to be asked but imaginary LCM did anyway because she wanted to hear me say it... or maybe it was so obvious in my head because I was actually the one asking myself the question... but it felt that way when I told her about it in real life too. This is kinda awkward to express haha). But it could have backed me into a corner if I didn't previously think it through because again, it was me asking myself the question so I had plenty of time to dig through and figure it out if I needed to.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by owlpride

I used to volunteer at a crisis line. We were trained not to ask "why" questions because it puts some people on the defensive. Asking "why did you do...?" in social conversation often communicates disapproval, implying that the person made a bad decision.

Hmm to be honest, I think when I asked myself the question, I was being somewhat accusatory. "Why would that make you uncomfortable? It shouldn't make you uncomfortable. What's wrong with you?" I didn't have LCM say all of that but it kinda feels somewhat implied based on the context that I'm annoyingly not sharing and my initial feelings about it

[Lauliza]

I'm in school for counseling psychology and they train you not to ask "why" because to some people it sounds judgemental. They're more liekly to say, "tell me about that", "can you elaborate", etc. Therapists are trained a lot in proper wording of questions or statements. Before school I had no real idea how much the same basic conversation in meaning but with different wording will generate very different responses. Its useful in everyday life too.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Interesting post, Growli. I thought about this for a while before responding.

"Why" questions are cognitive and keep people in their heads, examining.

And a lot of times, people DO KNOW why they are sad, for instance, but it doesn't help them feel less sad.

So, "why" might satisfy an intellectual curiosity, but it doesn't help change the emotion.

Helping clients to feel emotions is all the rage in therapy circles these days. So, they want you to feel the emotion, locate it in your body, and express it in therapy, to better know yourself.

And "why" potentially keeps you above the problem, and can be a way to avoid getting down into the messiness of your experience.

I do have a habit of being over intellectualizing. Well, my initial reaction to things is emotional but then I shut it off by intellectualizing everything so much that my life turns into a dull, passionless history book. Don't get me wrong, I like history and I really love good history textbooks because history is fun and interesting and textbooks are big books that smell awesome (but admittedly cost way too much)... but a super dry history book...? Yuck.

Asking me "why" could easily cause me to do that which is counterproductive. If I was asked why and then a question about how that affects me emotionally, it might have the effect of making me analyze the situation without throwing away my emotions

My T asks me "why" all the time. He says that exploring the "why" around my thoughts is vital. In finding out why my thoughts go to certain things automatically, we can interrupt things before I start down a dark road just automatically.

I've honestly never really noticed whether T uses "why" questions or not, but my gut is that he does. I've never felt he manipulates his language much with me. I'm not one to feel judged by a "why" question though, so it wouldn't be on my radar. I like "why" questions myself. I work with "why" questions in terms of character motivation and language usage, etc. in my teaching all the time, so those kinds of conversations are just part and parcel to analysis, and what is therapy if not analysis of the self.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I've honestly never really noticed whether T uses "why" questions or not, but my gut is that he does. I've never felt he manipulates his language much with me. I'm not one to feel judged by a "why" question though, so it wouldn't be on my radar. I like "why" questions myself. I work with "why" questions in terms of character motivation and language usage, etc. in my teaching all the time, so those kinds of conversations are just part and parcel to analysis, and what is therapy if not analysis of the self.

I know that both LCM and school T definitely have asked me "why" before. I ask myself why all the time. I think it is a good question and I also think that the other people on the thread had some very valid points because in the context of how I used "why", if could have come across as very accusatory and judgmental.

I feel like it might be a question to be careful with with is essentially what LCM said last night. Like in the hypothetical question I asked myself, wording it differently might be beneficial but it didn't matter because I didn't notice. It probably also is something T's might have to use on a case by case basis. I imagine it can be more or less helpful to some people than others and maybe even offensive or harsh to other people.

I feel like it is another one of those minor semantics games that makes a world of difference. The issue with semantics is that different words feel different to different people. I've run into this a lot on other threads in another forum on PC where words just gave a slightly different meaning to everyone that reads it and no one hesitates to point it out. Language is interesting because it manages to be universal to people sharing a common language and yet completely personal and subjective at the same time and I can't think of many things that do that.

I guess that's just something T's have to be really super attentive to. I curse a lot and I remember school T adjusting to match my language and cursing more when we were just getting started working together. Which is awkward/kinda cute because she is one of those people that doesn't curse with a natural inflection making it sound really forced.

Tangent ended.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I've honestly never really noticed whether T uses "why" questions or not, but my gut is that he does. I've never felt he manipulates his language much with me. I'm not one to feel judged by a "why" question though, so it wouldn't be on my radar. I like "why" questions myself. I work with "why" questions in terms of character motivation and language usage, etc. in my teaching all the time, so those kinds of conversations are just part and parcel to analysis, and what is therapy if not analysis of the self.

I'm sure mine has used "why" as well, it's just a rule of thumb in the general training. It's not nearly as obvious as you might think unless it's a very new T. Plus once they get to know clients better, I'm sure T's will adapt their language accordingly.

Either way I think people manipulate language all the time, especially when discussing difficult topics. I know I have with my husband...I've asked my pdoc, who is male, how to word certain things so I don't put my H on the defensive and he tells me how re-phrase something but get the same point across. And it works- I was really surprised.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I curse a lot and I remember school T adjusting to match my language and cursing more when we were just getting started working together. Which is awkward/kinda cute because she is one of those people that doesn't curse with a natural inflection making it sound really forced.

Tangent ended.

That's really funny. I have a lawyer friend who works with criminals and he told me he does the exact same thing. Not in order to fool anyone, but to help put a client at ease.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I'm in school for counseling psychology and they train you not to ask "why" because to some people it sounds judgemental. They're more liekly to say, "tell me about that", "can you elaborate", etc. Therapists are trained a lot in proper wording of questions or statements. Before school I had no real idea how much the same basic conversation in meaning but with different wording will generate very different responses. Its useful in everyday life too.

I agree with this. T doesn't usually ask me why. If I tell her i'm feeling a certain way she asks me to "tell her more about that" or "explain what I mean by" etc. The one time she asked me why, was about why I chose to show her something private and it did put me on the defense and made me feel wrong for showing her. I don't think that was her intention, but it made me feel "shame" and so I can see why they would try to avoid that word if possible.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

That's really funny. I have a lawyer friend who works with criminals and he told me he does the exact same thing. Not in order to fool anyone, but to help put a client at ease.

Well, it wouldn't be fooling anyone because mirroring someone's language is a sign of interest/fondness and doing so makes someone more comfortable to speak their mind. If my Ts never cursed, I could potentially feel hesitant to curse or I'd feel like I need to follow their language model. A lawyer or a police questioning a criminal or a T needs to make their clients feel safe.

But the thing about it is that it is so subjective that they could really screw themselves over if they say the wrong word to the wrong person. Like if someone were to randomly drop an f-bomb in the middle of a sentence, that would come off to me as relaxed and casual where it would come off to someone else as being highly aggressive and abrasive. I'm sure there are TONS of people on this site alone who would storm out of therapy if their therapist were to say "god you're such a ****ing b-word", but to me and others who interpret that phrase similarly would hear it as a term of endearment or a light hearted joke so long as the inflection was correct (soft constants, not at all accented but not quieter than any other word in the sentence). And when you have one client one hour that would be highly offended or maybe even horribly triggered by that phrase and a client the next hour who would find it comforting and both clients are highly sensitive people... let's just say I don't envy Ts.

[boredporcupine]

In addition to being liable to put people on the defensive, "why?" is a surprisingly vague question, since nothing ever has a single cause. T's will typically ask more specific questions that get at particular contributing factors they are interested in intervening in.

For example, instead of asking "Why did you punch your boss in the face?" a T could ask:

-What was going through your head right before you punched your boss in the face? (setting up a cognitive intervention)
-What was the chain of events leading up to punching your boss in the face? (setting up a behavioral intervention)
-What were you feeling in your body before you decided to punch your boss in the face? (promoting emotional awareness)
-Does your reaction to your boss remind you of any other relationships you've had? (looking for relational patterns)

Whereas if you just asked "why did you punch your boss in the face?" you'd probably just get "I don't know, I just did" or "because he is an a-hole."

[growlycat]

CBT T likes using "Help me understand…"

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

CBT T likes using "Help me understand…"

School T says that. I reply with "well what is there to be understood? I just told you"

As someone else pointed out here, asking "why" can make some people feel defensive. Although, I think it should depend on the situation and client.

Also, being asked "why" can be very frustrating, especially when the therapist or person asking "why" is unresponsive to your reply. When I was last in therapy, I was often very disappointed when the therapist had a blank look on her face after asking me "why" or a similar question, and then stopped any further inquiry. I felt like she didn't consider my response important enough to continue on that line of inquiry. So, I think that if a therapist is going to ask "why," then he/she should be prepared to continue probing deeper with more "why" inquiries, or even more specific questions, only stopping if the client doesn't want to go any further at that point or chooses to take it in a different direction. Although, the therapist needs to be careful to never sound judgmental in the way a question is presented. Anyway, that is just my personal opinion, based on my past frustrations with therapists.

I love it when my t asks me all her "why" questions!!! I love to ask her bunches of why's also