[Yearning0723]

T offered (reluctantly) to do a 15 minute phone check-in with me today, and even though I needed it and feel a lot better after telling her about the situation with my mother, I feel super guilty about it. First of all, because I know she doesn't want me relying on her between sessions (even though she did offer and it was pretty important), especially since she doesn't charge for check ins, and second because she isn't mad at me about the email, or if she was, it didn't show and she didn't mention it. I feel guilty for taking up her time and breaking her rules and violating her boundaries and not being punished in any way for it.

She was super empathetic and caring and lovely with me today, and she told me it wasn't my fault my mom was upset and I was doing the right thing by setting some boundaries and taking the time I need, and just because she got upset doesn't mean I did anything wrong, and that she recognizes this is really tough for me and I'm doing my best and my mother's reaction must have been really upsetting to me (it was!). And she was glad that I was doing some good self-care and using all the resources available to me to get myself through this, and she reminded me to question my thoughts about "I screwed up" or "I failed" or "it's my fault she's upset." And talking to her felt really good and soothing.

Probably an example of me relying on her, a.k.a. what I'm trying to avoid. Although I have gotten myself through the past few days with minimal difficulty...I just feel so guilty...

[unaluna]

You can always call your mom to get some punishment! Just because its your habit to feel guilty, doesnt mean its right, doesnt mean it cant change eventually. Also, just because you feel guilty doesnt mean you did something wrong. Now YOU explain why!

[kaliope]

sounds like your t knows a lot about boundaries and if she had a problem with talking with you outside of session she would let you know. maybe in session you could talk about this guilt you are feeling for using your positive resources to your advantage. you could always offer to pay her for her time if it is really making you feel that bad. you deserve the help. t wouldn't help you if she didn't want to help. take care of your self. that is exactly what t praised you for. feel good about it. take care.

[learning1]

I'm glad your t understands it's really tough for you and she's flexible enough to be able to bend her boundaries when she thinks you're having such a hard time. It sounds like you had the right intuition that she would be flexible about the email and you were able to focus on the more urgent stuff about your Mom instead of getting bogged down about your relationship with your t right now.

[Yearning0723]

She was so wonderful about this...which is why it feels like I'm taking advantage of her because she has told me explicitly in the past that I shouldn't call/email/ask for contact between sessions, and I understand her reasoning, and I broke the rules anyway, and she was still so kind to me. She will probably want to discuss it at least a little on Wednesday, which I'm fine with...but today talking to her just helped so much.

I even told her about how I sometimes feel like my memories aren't real because I can see things from my mother's point of view and it makes sense, and T said that it's really normal for kids who have been mistreated (she doesn't say "abused"; she knows I'm not super comfortable thinking about myself that way) to doubt themselves, and that she knows it's really tough.

And it just felt so good to me to hear that...it feels like I'm being rewarded for doing something bad when instead she should impose even greater restrictions so I don't do that bad thing again. But that's not what I NEED and she knows that...

[Leah123]

Listen, having a phone check in is not "Bad" like committing a crime and your T is a grown woman who can look after herself, in fact, it's a key element of her job! You have an overdeveloped sense of guilt, try and hold onto all the positives- you are doing GREAT and it's good she could be there for you.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Listen, having a phone check in is not "Bad" like committing a crime and your T is a grown woman who can look after herself, in fact, it's a key element of her job! You have an overdeveloped sense of guilt, try and hold onto all the positives- you are doing GREAT and it's good she could be there for you.

The "bad" part = sending that email after being explicitly told not to. The phone session, okay, she offered (under slight duress), but there was no excuse for the email.

I expected her to be angry. She would have every right to be. But she isn't.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

The "bad" part = sending that email after being explicitly told not to. The phone session, okay, she offered (under slight duress), but there was no excuse for the email.

I expected her to be angry. She would have every right to be. But she isn't.

We discuss and obsess a lot about boundaries in this forum. Boundaries are important, but..... sending an email after she's said don't send emails isn't like... punching her in the face.... you were in distress, you sent an email. You two will work through that.

It's like asking for help on a test.... you're not supposed to, but you really wanted to understand the problem. You might go to detention for it, but not hell. Just.... keep perspective.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Leah123

We discuss and obsess a lot about boundaries in this forum. Boundaries are important, but..... sending an email after she's said don't send emails isn't like... punching her in the face.... you were in distress, you sent an email. You two will work through that.

It's like asking for help on a test.... you're not supposed to, but you really wanted to understand the problem. You might go to detention for it, but not hell. Just.... keep perspective.

Actually, if you ask for help on a test in university, you get expelled. But I see your point.

Is it really not that big a deal? Because in my mind, it's just incredibly disrespectful of me, because if I stated a hard boundary to someone else and they ignored it (ie my mother being so upset I didn't call her right after our argument) I would be pretty upset.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Actually, if you ask for help on a test in university, you get expelled. But I see your point.

Is it really not that big a deal? Because in my mind, it's just incredibly disrespectful of me, because if I stated a hard boundary to someone else and they ignored it (ie my mother being so upset I didn't call her right after our argument) I would be pretty upset.

Not if you ask your teacher, which is the equivalent of what you did and what I meant. But I wasn't referring to University either, school in general.

It's not that big of a deal. She said please don't email me, you sent an email. Was that perfect, no, that's why you all might talk about it Wednesday, but relationships are not perfect, we all do and say things that are not ideal. We are human.

There are varying degrees of trespass, this isn't criminal level.

[HazelGirl]

I think this is a great opportunity for you to learn that just because you did something wrong, it doesn't endanger the relationship, her perception of you, or your worth. It doesn't make you less worthy or more bad.