TT terminated.

TT left. I met with her today and she said she was leaving the program and was referring me to someone else.

I feel kinda blindsided. I never really got the feeling she cared about me at all. I told myself that I must be being over sensitive but with how cold and abrupt everything ended, I think I was right. I went to T expecting to have an hour long session where I open up and tell her how I'm feeling about opening up to her. Instead, 30 mins and she's gone. She did offer me a closure session next week but I didn't even want to talk to her at that point. Not because I was mad but because what's the point? I had prepared all this stuff to talk to her about and make an effort to try to connect with her and she just announces she's leaving next week and everything just ended. She didn't charge me for a full session btw.

To be honest, it's better this way. I didn't click with her and I was constantly blaming myself for it. Because of that, I couldn't get myself to switch. But now, I have a chance to try again without having to tell exTT that I was leaving. I told her that I have to be referred to a woman. She said that won't be an issue.

So... idk. I don't know what my new TT will be like. I just feel tighter with LCM now. TT told her that she was leaving and was going to tell me today. LCM texted me after my session to make sure I was okay.

This is your opportunity to start with a new tt, and be honest about your relationship with lc and how, hard it is to find a connection, with anyone other than lc. This is a gift in a way.

I would look at this positively. I been through, recent therapists leaving me after a long time working with them, and I cared for them, this last one left a hole in my heart, and I was reluctant to find positives in this new t, but I used coping skills and the ADVICE of my SUPPORT NETWORK here on pc my dear friends, and they helped and are helping make it through.

You should do the same, give this person a chance.

One of the first things that crossed my mind was that TT knew she was leaving/has been looking for another job, and because of that, she held a distance from you and her other clients.

So, she may have not been fully engaged, which may have come across, even if just in part, as not caring.

Even if it was you, no reason to blame yourself. None of us like or gel with everyone. It's just human nature.

Hope things work out the best for you.

I never really got the feeling she cared about me at all. I told myself that I must be being over sensitive but with how cold and abrupt everything ended, I think I was right.

I think this is the wrong conclusion to reach. as skies said. I suspect her manner was entirely about her professional life; she may have been assigned to you, and knew she would be leaving but for professional reasons couldn't reveal that, so only acted to try to keep you stable in the short run, but not engage with you. Don't take responsibility for this, nor assume it reflects on you in any way.

Can you ask her if instead of being "assigned" that you are able to meet with at least 2 potential new TT's? That would be worth bringing up.

I agree that she may have been actively blocking your attachment so that you wouldn't be as hurt when she left. Not because she didn't care, she probably didn't want to cause any harm.

This could be a positive development--a chance to find that better fit. So sorry though, it is still a loss.

If she knew she was leaving, why would she try to start serious trauma work two months before her leaving? I feel like this would have been so much worse if we were knee deep in that stuff and for her to just say she was leaving the next week, or in my case, that day. I'm never going to see her again. She wished me luck in my career and life today. It was bizarre. It was like she cared but only at a minimal level...? She kept saying it seemed like I has something to say. I said no. She said I am interesting and difficult to read. I told her that I am difficult to read to some people and very obvious to others. What I didn't say was that I'm difficult to read to people who I don't want reading me. If I'm comfortable with someone, I become much less catatonic.

Nope. She's gone. Won't ever see her again.

Maybe not her, but whatever therapy group/office you are working with? Who is "assigning" you exactly? Those are the people you should talk to.

I don't know who is assigning me. I don't know who I should call. I'm avoiding finding out because I'm scared of calling people I don't know.

I agree with you on this one, if she knew she was going to leave, especially in the near future like 2 months or one month , I agree on not starting trauma work with you, as it is not healthy, I should know, to start trauma work, and then leave a client, with transitioning to a new therapist is extremely difficult, as is in my case, twice over.

If the therapist had been working for a while with the client, and then something came up and had to leave, then thats a different story. In this case, you really never started anything with her, and she never with you. Maybe because she knew she was leaving, who knows, she told you , that you were hard to read, in pyschobabble that means that you never let her in, and I guess she did not find ways to try to get in, in my oppinion, but like i said before, you have a whole new opportunity now, please try to work with this new tt, a whole new clean slate, imo, start off by telling her about your trust issues and your strong connection to lcm, you really dont have to start with csa.

Can LCM help you contact the right people?

TT did say she will leave a note for my next person saying that this new TT needs to contact LCM and have her involved from the start.

growlithing, if it okay to ask: how is school going for you now?

School is good. I don't like all of my classes, but it's great to be playing all the time again. It is sometimes kinda stressful. Sometimes not.

I am really happy to hear that school is good. Thanks so much for letting us know.

They keep assigning us stuff in the liberal arts classes that upsets me. In one class, we had to imagine we were 80 years old and write a letter to ourselves about our lives. This topic is extremely stressful for me because thinking about the future at all is anxiety provoking. I decided to handle it by fudging the rules. The rubric didn't say that it had to be an inspirational letter or that it had to be "factual" in terms of how I actually foresee my life playing out. So I portrayed myself as an 80 year old fugitive from the law, wanted for internet piracy (illegally downloading pizza and kitty litter because of the invention of 3D printers), unlawful use of a time machine, and a suspect in the "mysterious" deaths of my five husbands. Did the teacher want a completely crazy, fictional story? No. It's not a creative writing class. But no where did he say it couldn't be fictional and if he is going to assign topics that are too personal and scary, I'm going to have fun with it as opposed to getting triggered.

The other class has us reading just depressing and triggering stuff. This one deals with a girl abandoned by her father and self harm. I was not literally abandoned by my father in the sense that this character was, but I can still somehow relate to a lot of those feelings and it is difficult and upsetting.

But music is great

My previous T, from a year ago (or was it two), terminated me without prior notice. I went into an appointment with her, and she told me she was taking a new job in another city. I walked in not knowing what was about to happen. Sorry, but that HURTS. No closure. Still feels like unfinished business. She could have at least made arrangements to meet with me one more time.

LCM is surely the ideal person to help you find a new trauma therapist as suggested by Growlycat? She knows you well so probably will be really useful for shortlisting potentials, and perhaps she could sit beside you when you call them to make enquiries?

Maybe next time you see her you could do some work together on finding a few to check out?

Unless you ask her directly, no one will probably ever know.

It seemed like you were having a rough time recently, so it's good to hear you sounding hopeful. This time, maybe you will have a T who you feel more connected to.

Love that writing solution!!!!

In a college poetry class, we had to read Sylvia Plath. Interesting but talk about triggers!!!!! I would leave class feeling ill

Ugh, the other class ended up being so much worse. Basically, in this thing we are reading, nature is personified as a mother figure to the main character, but also as an extremely dangerous force that poses a serious threat of physical harm to her. When I was reading this on my own, this didn’t bother me in the slightest. I was totally comfortable with the idea of someone being both a mother and a threat and I didn’t realize that it was supposed to be a conflict of interests until the entire class brought it up confused. They were all asking questions like “is this supposed to be a mother or is this supposed to be dangerous?” and the teacher asked me for my opinion and I had the hardest time saying that I don’t think that it has to be mutually exclusive. Someone can be both a mother and a physical threat and saying that was really hard and really embarrassing and the entire room went dead silent after I said that and I couldn’t tell if it was because they could pick up on the fact that I was struggling with something personal regarding my mother or if it was because I brought up a possibility they hadn’t thought of. I don't know. It was just really difficult because I felt like I was the only one in the class who didn't realize that there was a conflict between "mother" and "danger", and I felt very isolated because I’m not usually that aware of how much my past altered my perspective on things and it was just a lot to handle. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying for half an hour right after class ended.

I am okay though. On my way home after crying in the bathroom for a long time, I saw a cat in the window at my local convenience store. The cat lives there and comes out periodically. I was feeling sad so I decided to go in and visit him despite that my face was still covered in tears. He actually climbed up on the highest stack of boxes (because I am quite tall) and literally dried my tears by rubbing his head against my face. He melted my heart and fixed my sadness for the day.

…maybe the class understands that you made a really smart observation. When a room full of people pay attention like that , they know something important is being said, even if they can't put their finger on why.

That's what I was trying to tell myself. But it wasn't just that they were quiet that upset me. I just felt really alone

I'm so glad that kitty was there for you. You sound like you are doing fairly well dealing with a number of stressors; although it sounds emotionally difficult, you are thinking in a positive way, and that makes me feel good for you.

I think your story about the 80-year-old sounds very interesting, creative, and fun. I love the idea of internet piracy via 3-D printing. How original!

Haha I just hope my teacher has a sense of humor! He wanted it to be about our musical careers coupled with like a little bit of personal stuff. So say I'd tell myself that I need to start taking auditions or embrace other areas of music to keep things interesting or something or even to practice more or by contrast to not work so hard that I throw away relationships. The assignment really was stupid because how can I imagine myself having knowledge that I don't have...? Like I can't have any way of actually knowing what my emotional needs will be 5, 10 years from now, let alone 60 years. I can anticipate them based on what I needed in the past, but 5 years ago, every single one of my beliefs were different except for wanting to do music, 10 years ago, I hated piano lessons and wanted to be a veterinarian, 15 years ago, I just liked pizza and dinosaurs. I would be an entirely different person when I'm 80 if I make it that far considering that my progress concerning life past 25 hasn't gotten better at all.

Anyway, thanks. I let myself just have fun with the stupid assignment