[random332]

She was talking about how I needed some structure and told me to next time, try and look presentable.... wtf.

I was wearing an old sweater that had a stain on it, and it wasn't like a fresh streak of ketchup and hot sauce stain, just a faded white line. I also wore some sweatpants. It's freezing outside. I felt like, and even said, that something like that shouldn't even matter in THERAPY. She said "are you feeling embarrassed that this is coming from a girl?" and I said "No, I'm embarrassed because it's coming from a therapist."

It's not like I'm applying for a job or going to an event or anything... it's therapy. Why do I need to worry about how I look? She even said "if I was dressed super casually and was laying back in my chair and etc, would you take me seriously?" and I said "honestly and genuinely, I still would 100%". She doubted that I was telling the truth.

I get what she's trying to do. She's trying to get me to care about it so that maybe I'll feel better and to get some structure. Like a mom who tells her kid to get a haircut because it's getting messy. But I don't want that. All it did was make me annoyed. I already have low esteem, why make me feel self conscious about something else? I already got enough of 'LOOK PRESENTABLE' from my mom as a kid growing up, I really don't need it again in a place that doesn't matter.

I'll still try her out because I can tell that she does care, and so far it's hit and miss in the ways that she does. It's only been 3 visits so far.

[unlockingsanity]

Wow. Just wow. From what you've said, it's completely unacceptable.

One sign of people being depressed is not being "presentable". How could a therapist turn that around and blame the patient for it?

If you can, I'd suggest you re-ask her what she really meant by her statement and give her another chance to explain. If it's still the same response, I'd be out of there.

What the heck is this person thinking?

[HealingTimes]

Oh wow, how rude and unprofessional! What you wear doesn't effect how well you can listen or talk in therapy!

Like Unlockingsanity says, if someone is depressed then this could be a sign of that.

I understand your T trying to get you to care about your appearance, but this is totally the wrong way (in my opinion) to do it.

How did you respond?

[brillskep]

Wow. I see why you got offended. When I read the title of your thread, I was assuming you had come to therapy dressed provocatively or something. That might have warranted the "look presentable next time". But a stain? Okay, so a therapist does need to help you become aware of how you present yourself to the world in any and every way and change it for the better (IF you want to). The therapeutic relationship is a good starting point. That's no reason not to be tactful about it, though.
Besides, maybe I'm just very picky, but I certainly wouldn't take seriously a T calling herself a girl, as if she were 15 or something.

Yikes. There are better ways to talk to a depressed client about self-care skills. Glad you called her on it.

Yeah, I assumed it was a provocative issue. I found myself wondering how low my shirt would have to go before my T said something like that. I KNOW I have shown up in giant, baggy sweatshirts that were 10+ years old and jeans with stains and he never said a word about my clothing.

[krisakira]

Some people believe that if you wear your "good" clothes, you'll feel more confident and "put together." I don't believe this really. I don't think clothes have much to do with anything unless you are bothered by it yourself. It's good to wear comfortable clothing especially to a place where you need to be comfortable. I've never had a therapist comment on my clothing except once, when a previous male T commented that I wasn't wearing all black because I had tan shorts on. I don't know why people don't want us to wear black. It is not evil or anything. It is just stigmatized. Anyway, I think it was unprofessional for T to say you weren't presentable. I would be just as upset, if not even more. I would be embarrassed. Especially coming from another woman. Women compete so much with each other. But in the end, she probably wanted YOU to feel better, and thought that by wearing better clothes, you would be in a better mood and feel more productive. I have been told this in DBT group, that we women should wear makeup to feel better about ourselves. I think it's stupid. I don't need make up. In fact it would make me feel worse. How counterproductive. I am comfortable in my clothes, and that is what should matter.

Wanted to add that what I wear every day is jeans and a black t-shirt, black skate shoes, and sometimes a black sweatshirt over top of that, and sometimes a black hoodie jacket. I am 25 years old, and still dress the same way as when I was thinner and in high school. So it has nothing to do with my weight, like some people think too.

[Asiablue]

I assumed a therapist who might say this might have a long and close enough relationship with a client to be able to say that. Not someone who is 3 sessions in. Wow.

[Favorite Jeans]

Sometimes I find therapy so hard that I have to show up in my rattiest comfort clothing just to feel safe and reassured. On the weeks that I'm not coming directly from work I usually wear something ultra casual. It's usually clean but almost always involves a hoodie and jeans that have been laundered enough to be very soft. Other weeks I'm all put together and professional at other times. I would not feel at all okay if she told me what to wear or suggested I didn't look presentable.

How invested do you feel in her after just 3 sessions, Random? I suspect that in your shoes I wouldn't stick around for more. I want a T who can just take me as I am.

[Amandasmom]

I just lost 60 pounds and was wearing an old pair of pants. My T saw me and said they got to go. Throw them out. I guess they say these things to help us.

[blur]

I figured you were talking about clothes for a job interview not therapy. Is she much older? Some people do think you will feel better if you dress better. I think it's a generational thing. Really though, I'd be totally bugged if an adult woman therapist referred to herself as a "girl" if she really did call herself that. I'd keep interviewing other Ts.

[Hellion]

That seems kind of rude of the therapist...if my therapist said that I'd be offended to. I mean if I looked really, really unpresentable I would understand if they were concerned and wonder if my symptoms are getting too overwhelming....but yeah sounds like you were dressed casually, not really unpresentable unless you're going to a job interview or a fancy dinner or something.

[stopdog]

Therapists don't get to tell me how to dress.

[Cherubbs]

From a behavioral point of view a well presented person not only feels better but their environment treats them better to, people simply respond better and have higher expeditions of a well presented person. This especially includes their personal bodily care like their hair, etc. but includes dress too. She may be expressing her feelings because she may think that you are letting yourself down in a way that would effect the way people in your life treat you.
It's a tough one really although I can see the logic, I don't think id be too happy about it either, it comes over bit offensive whatever way you look at it.

[missbella]

Random, your account angers me at your therapist four ways--
-Use of the scolding word presentable, the scornful parent at its worst. I doubt she'd tolerate you using that tone with her. A real power thing.
-Her continuing the power play by asking the leading question --which isn't a question at all-- why you're embarrassed. If one wants someone else to feel it ease they DON'T point out their embarrassment
-By drawing the false analogy about her dress compared to yours. She's a professional, doing a job. You're the client. That kind of faux "argument" is domineering in my opinion.
-Her discounting your reporting you'd be unconcerned with her clothes.

If she sincerely believes that dressing up might make her clients feel better, there are so many more tactful ways to impart that opinion.

[RRex]

Random, your therapist is just a b****. Dress how you want to.

[Flyawayblue]

The therapist was very rude and unethical

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by Flyawayblue

The therapist was very rude and unethical

Yeesh, why don't just tell the client to lose some weight. How horribly shaming. I'm so sorry.

[msxyz]

She sounds insufferable to me.

[growlycat]

On the third visit???? EEEEK!

If you had said that you have been seeing T for a year and that you had a good relationship overall, I would chalk it up to a well meaning but clumsy comment.

Third visit? wow. What happens when she really feels comfortable with you?

[RTerroni]

Sorry about that I'd be offended as well

[HazelGirl]

Run away from this one!!! Eek!!! That's so terrible!!!!

[learning1]

That therapist seems shallow and stupid. I admire people who are comfortable wearing clothing with a stain sometimes. The world is too materialistic. Any therapist who thinks there is a proper way to present oneself is ridiculous in my opinion.

That ridiculous thing about being told to wear makeup in a DBT group is sexist and awful. No wonder they say therapy can have a conservative/conformist bias.

[feralkittymom]

This would make me wonder what other issues will come up down the road and how she will handle them. Three visits--I'd look for a new T; and I'm someone who tended to always look put together even at my most depressed. I doubt her attitude will be confined to appearance.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Amandasmom

I just lost 60 pounds and was wearing an old pair of pants. My T saw me and said they got to go. Throw them out. I guess they say these things to help us.

Thats kinda different. Once i lost quite a bit of weight and kept wearing this one dress, and everybody at work kept bugging me about it. I think that was more to get me to accept the change that had actually happened, to really see it? So that seems more supportive of an effort youve already made, not commanding you?