[JustMeMyselfAndI]

I'm really sorry for a long thread but if you could take the time to read it i hope to relate to some of you.. and perhaps you can help me out?

At school (2years ago): Big incidents were happening at home - at the time I was living with a teacher2..My teacher1 took me under her wing and I know I was special to her over other students. But talking was never enough. Even though I saw her or spoke to her nearly every day, I always wanted more. I guess like a drug, the attention was only short term so I had to find ways of getting it more often, I think it took over my life, my thoughts..it was what I now know as maternal tranference..

I wanted her to adopt me. So if a big incident happened i would purposely not talk or run- away or turn up at her house just for her to care for me. The situations were awful but I almost wanted them to continue because it meant I got to see my teacher1. But I was almost 'egging' it just so I got attention. I feel so awful. I wanted the relationship with my teacher to be like mother and daughter, and at times she did treat me like her daughter but that almost made me more upset that I wasn’t and make me crave the comfort more. I think because I almost ‘broke the boundaries’ of a normal teacher-student relationship I got confused and then I left and she left me by not contacting me.

Since I left school it was fantastic I had moved away from teacher1 and transference faded even though it was super hard. I wanted Therapy so bad for so long to get better because I now know i may have PSTD & anxiety.. but I always put it off because I was petrified about getting myself into the same cycle I had with my teacher and not getting the help I needed because all I would concentrate on was getting the comfort – back in the cycle. I was also scared because I was aware that counselling is a job. Therefore, I was also scared of perhaps feeling rejected again - by not feeling ‘special’. But I needed that - and my need for wanting to move on and ‘get better’ was stronger.. I thought by coping alone for a 2years, transference wouldn’t happen again..

So i took the huge step to have therapy but unfortunately, maternal transference started happening a couple of months ago.. and i'm now consciously fighting between two me’s. Me1 who wants to get better and Me2 who wants to purposefully induce physical incidents so T can care for me, like SI, get in trouble with the police, run away, have her find me, hug me , care for me ( all physical things because talking just doesn't give me that same attention)

So far I have stopped myself from physically acting out - but this need is getting stronger. How do I stop myself? Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

Ps - T is great, but doesn't hug .. but its good because she keeps her boundaries and being consistent is what I need. I have learnt so much!! But what if this transference is stopping me from getting better- rid of the memories etc? I can't leave her - I wont - I can't but.. i don't know ....

Thanks

Hey JMMAI, thank you for sharing this. I get how hard it is, I think. I understand the wish to get the attention you are starving for. I think it's not an unusual thing, and certainly not an indication that you are a weak person or anything like that. On the contrary, you are fighting it with all you have, and that's really admirable.

I'm afraid that the only advice I can give you is to talk to your T about it. Have you tried doing that? Just as you say, this seems to be a recurring pattern for you, and sometimes the only way to get away from the pattern is to understand it and work through it. Sinply finding ways to suppress the actions you want to do can perhaps work, but I also think that it is important for your T to be aware of what's going on, so she can act in ways that don't leave you crushed, but also don't feed into the cycle.

I'm sorry things are so hard. I hope your T can help you get through this.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I understand what you are coming from. A lot of aspects of your story are similar to things I have experienced with past teachers. I've suffered from maternal transference my whole life and it could be very painful. I felt that way toward my T for a while...it started a couple months after I began seeing her and pretty much ended after I took a month off. The dynamics of our relationship changed entirely, but it was mostly a relief since the transference controlled my life.
It is important that you bring this concern up with your T, if you haven't already. It doesn't seem like it could end well if you keep this bottled up. Whether your therapist decides to terminate because she feels the attachment is unhealthy and harmful to you, or you end up going too far one day and are committed to a behavioral hospital, or you seriously hurt yourself...none of these things are good endings. You deserve to keep progressing and to feel better...don't let this stand in your way.
Maybe it will be very healing to bring this up with her and let her know about your history with your teacher. You two could start visiting where this may be coming from and start grieving the things you missed out getting from your mother and learning how to give those things to yourself. When you start to address the real issue that is causing this agonizing transference, you will find the attachment loosens its grip a little.

I hope you will consider it.

[GenCat]

I can totally relate. I feel head over heels for a teacher in highschool, so bad it made me question my sexuality. It's got better when i graduated and didn't see her everyday. Until I met my T. Who I fell absolutely in love with and wanted nothing but to live with her. I told her about my feelings and she said it was because i had anxiety that I needed comfort and a stable environment. When my anxiety got under control I found I didn't need or want her as much. It's still hard but i want to get better and will not let a little fondness get in the way. You should work toward your goal of getting tour anxiety under control. I'm sure you too will work through your confusion about your relationship with your T. I would advise you speak to her about your true feelings. I know that hard and embarrassing but it happens a lot and Ts know how to handle it properly. Good luck!

[AmysJourney]

Hi..
this is a very important post and I think you for being so brave and honest to write it. I absolutely commend you for that and value that very very highly because most people would never admit to this.
You are not alone in this, MANY people feel exactly the same things, have exactly the same thoughts, think about doing exactly the same things you do.
I don't know if that helps, but it's the truth.

Here comes the positive thing though: THERE IS HELP.
The first thing to realize is that all these desires in you, all the needs you have for your therapist to care for you are something that are deeply, deeply rooted in you. It is not something to be ashamed of or to fear even. But the idea to harm yourself to get that love and care and attention is a dangerous and very unfulfilling way to try to get it.
The only solution to this is to get the needs fulfilled without "forcing" them to be fulfilled. I can totally relate to what you are talking about. As I have said in another thread, in my early twenties I had quite a life-changing experience with this sort of thing. I knew I could be helped, I knew I wasn't as bad off as I wanted others to believe I was. Yes, I had a bad childhood, yes, I was unloved, abused, tortured and all that stuff. But I was also strong and able to find coping mechanisms. But I chose to stay in my pity, even made it worse in a lot of ways.
One person at that time who had given a lot of energy, care, time and love to me at that time, called me on it in a very "tough-love" sort of way. I was so embarrassed, felt so caught, such a failure - I wanted to sink into the ground and never come out.

But I learnt the best lesson of my life: Forced love or care is never as good as the real thing, it only lasts for a brief moment, it harms more than it helps, it leaves us alone and makes people doubt their trust in us or doubt us, period. That's what somehow cured me of my behavior, because I was alone, more alone than before, more isolated, more hurt etc - and I couldn't take it. I wanted love to be real and sincere.

So how to you stop? Well, the only thing you have to stop is the desire to induce physical harm for the reason to get love and attention and care.
The feelings, the desire to be loved and cared for - they are not wrong, they are human. And you can have them, you can fight for them, you can claim them for yourself. My "therapy", the one I apply to myself has become to love and care for others in the way I want to be loved and cared for. For me it has turned around the overwhelming feelings of need into something that feels healthy. Now, people love me because they choose to. I am lovable, But I had to learn that. You are very honest with yourself, so be honest with your T about this, keep checking in with yourself about this - and use your smart brain to not be tempted into doing something you will surely regret.
Your T has the tools to help you work through this. Some people need time to work through these feelings, others (like me) need that tough-love moment that shakes them.

But honest truth, I am still not over wanting to be loved. If anyone ever comes to me and says he doesn't have that need, I would without hesitation call it not quite sincere.

The secret is though to find what is lovable inside us and try to believe in it. In my opinion that is like a magnet that draws people to us and stick with us.

All my love,
Amelia

[JustMeMyselfAndI]

Mastodon: Yes i have told my t well i wrote it down for her but we haven't really 'talked' about it and I'm not sure i really want to bring it up again.. but i know i should ..there just seems to be so much we are working on.. Thank you

HopelesslyHopeful: Yes T does know about my teacher but as I said above we haven't really talked about it with pstd memories and the past and the future and anxiety there just doesnt seem space .. i thought by sorting the other problems out it would solve my transference issues.. it has helped me to understand them but not to deal or stop them .. but i think it is a big part and i need to bring up again maybe. Thanks

GenCat: So true, when my anxiety is high i guess i need comfort more and transference is more present .. like last month I thought the transference was fading and i felt stronger and that i didnt need T .. then i had a sorta crash week and here I am again! Thank you

Amelia: Thanks for your detailed reply I do the whole caring and loving to others how I would like to be treated too!

I totally acknowledged this when I left school and my teacher : "Forced love or care is never as good as the real thing, it only lasts for a brief moment, it harms more than it helps, it leaves us alone and makes people doubt - I was alone, more alone than before, more isolated, more hurt etc - and I couldn't take it. I wanted love to be real and sincere."

And that is what i keep telling myself i don't love her and she will never be my mum.. its just transference and i need to stick at getting better not going back to old ways and so far i havent gone back! But i need to sort how i can stop myself feeling like this and find other ways of dealing with it and i guess that is where T comes in! I have friends and distant family that do love me and care for me .. but yeah guess it will never be a mum like i think i must be looking for!

The whole maternal transference thing is so hard isn't it? I've struggled with it re: T off and on and only recently I think I may have finally begun to work through/past it, by seeing that I've gotten the mothering I needed my whole life from other women first my grandmother, girl scout leaders, friends of my mom's actually, teachers, a pastor at church, a couple of female bosses, lastly t (this a progression through young me through gradeschool, middle school, high school, college, work and therapy) and I was able to name every single one of them. So that helped me see that even if I didn't get what I needed from my mother, I did get what I needed growing up. I've been doing a lot of work lately around my "mother issues" and have come to a place where I have forgiven her. I just talked to her this morning in fact and even invited her to come visit me in May. (I live in AZ and she lives in IL so I don't see my family very often.) I feel very much at peace with inviting her to visit, excited even. What a difference 2+ years of therapy has made for me especially in this regard. Oh and the maternal transference I've felt for t? At the moment, I don't feel it at all. I won't be talking to her again until the end of April, and I feel very good about that as well. Sorry to carry on so long but I wanted to share that there is light at the end of the tunnel re: transference. It takes a lot of work, but if I am getting there, anyone can!

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by JustMeMyselfAndI

I'm really sorry for a long thread but if you could take the time to read it i hope to relate to some of you.. and perhaps you can help me out?

At school (2years ago): Big incidents were happening at home - at the time I was living with a teacher2..My teacher1 took me under her wing and I know I was special to her over other students. But talking was never enough. Even though I saw her or spoke to her nearly every day, I always wanted more. I guess like a drug, the attention was only short term so I had to find ways of getting it more often, I think it took over my life, my thoughts..it was what I now know as maternal tranference..

I wanted her to adopt me. So if a big incident happened i would purposely not talk or run- away or turn up at her house just for her to care for me. The situations were awful but I almost wanted them to continue because it meant I got to see my teacher1. But I was almost 'egging' it just so I got attention. I feel so awful. I wanted the relationship with my teacher to be like mother and daughter, and at times she did treat me like her daughter but that almost made me more upset that I wasn’t and make me crave the comfort more. I think because I almost ‘broke the boundaries’ of a normal teacher-student relationship I got confused and then I left and she left me by not contacting me.

Since I left school it was fantastic I had moved away from teacher1 and transference faded even though it was super hard. I wanted Therapy so bad for so long to get better because I now know i may have PSTD & anxiety.. but I always put it off because I was petrified about getting myself into the same cycle I had with my teacher and not getting the help I needed because all I would concentrate on was getting the comfort – back in the cycle. I was also scared because I was aware that counselling is a job. Therefore, I was also scared of perhaps feeling rejected again - by not feeling ‘special’. But I needed that - and my need for wanting to move on and ‘get better’ was stronger.. I thought by coping alone for a 2years, transference wouldn’t happen again..

So i took the huge step to have therapy but unfortunately, maternal transference started happening a couple of months ago.. and i'm now consciously fighting between two me’s. Me1 who wants to get better and Me2 who wants to purposefully induce physical incidents so T can care for me, like SI, get in trouble with the police, run away, have her find me, hug me , care for me ( all physical things because talking just doesn't give me that same attention)

So far I have stopped myself from physically acting out - but this need is getting stronger. How do I stop myself? Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

Ps - T is great, but doesn't hug .. but its good because she keeps her boundaries and being consistent is what I need. I have learnt so much!! But what if this transference is stopping me from getting better- rid of the memories etc? I can't leave her - I wont - I can't but.. i don't know ....

Thanks

Have you tried asking her for what you want directly?

My therapist is willing to give me a lot of caring just for the asking. She does not want me to feel like I have to do something drastic just to know she cares, just to get a hug, just to get a late night session, just to have her do something soothing for me.

Just wanting it and asking directly is enough with her.

[JustMeMyselfAndI]

Thanks Leah -Asking - I always forget that one.. the fact I can just ask.. T and me have talked about this. The fact i always thought i needed to deserve attention and in fact i could just go speak to her without any problems and that would be fine!

When i first brought this up ages ago we did talk a lot about my 'needs' and perhaps asking for what I needed. I remember T saying what do you need? - obviously in my head i knew - i could have blurted out just a hug or someone to consistently be there. However, i was like .. i don't know. Then I wrote down what i needed and i did say all of those things! But we never really talked about it - maybe because she could sense the anxiety around it - i think we may have left it as: I can get my needs from form my friends but yes i'm not going to find a mum to fulfill those needs .

That's why I don't really want to bring it up again.. if we've kinda been there done that. But we haven't talked about the perhaps lengths i'd go or did go in the past. I have drafted an e-mail to T that explains my post - i may send but not sure yet! Thank you