[rainbow8]

I thought it was going to go badly because she said holding my hand was uncomfortable for her. She said she didn't like when she sat next to me and held my hand for the whole session! I informed her that it was NEVER for the whole session. Once it was for a long time because I read a speech I was giving, to her. I'm positive it was usually 5 minutes or less!

So, she said okay, we could try it again! She didn't want to sit next to me but pulled her chair closer so we wouldn't have to stretch. It felt safe, just like I remembered. I told her it didn't feel like the child part was so needy, though. It felt different, like maybe it wasn't the child part anymore. I told her I felt guilty, and said if it was triggering her, we could stop. She said, no, it was okay for her! It was only about 5 minutes but that was enough. I said it was a great birthday present for me!

We also cleared up about mistakes. She didn't mean big mistakes at all! She didn't even have anything to say except she's human. I pressed her, and she said maybe she shouldn't have let me email at all since it caused so many problems. I didn't want to get into that argument again.

She said, on the contrary, she thinks I've made excellent progress and she thinks she's done a great (not sure if she said great or not) job with me!!

It was a good session, but way too short, as these 60 minute sessions always are.

She reassured me that I don't have to stop therapy, and the reduced fee is fine with her. I said I think I'm doing some of the most important work now, and she agreed.

When I got up to hug her, she said "a hug too!" or maybe I said that. It was so nice to physically connect with her and I don't feel it was "too much". I told her that I felt she rectified the situation, about the way she took "holding hands" away from me. I had such a good feeling that we could work this out. I "love" my T.

[unaluna]

I think that feeling that you CAN work it out is so important and helpful!!

[RTerroni]

Great to hear that it's working out for you

Rainbow
That is great news. There is such a strong and honest connection between you and your t and u love the wAy she admits to her mistakes and is always willing to work through everything.
I love your t too

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[geez]

Rainbow I'm sooooo happy for you!!!!!!! and that your T is helping you so much!

Oh and Happy Birthday!!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think that feeling that you CAN work it out is so important and helpful!!

Thanks. Yes, my T told me that too!

Originally Posted by RTerroni

Great to hear that it's working out for you

Thank you.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Rainbow
That is great news. There is such a strong and honest connection between you and your t and u love the wAy she admits to her mistakes and is always willing to work through everything.
I love your t too

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I wish you could find a T like mine, mona.

Originally Posted by geez

Rainbow I'm sooooo happy for you!!!!!!! and that your T is helping you so much!

Oh and Happy Birthday!!

Thanks, geez. Next time I will ask T exactly what progress she sees in me. I sort of know but I want to hear it from her.

Something I'm realizing now: Holding her hand was nice but it wasn't as good as the "memory" of doing it a couple of years ago. I don't know what that means. Maybe I needed it more then. As I said, it was the child part who wanted to be loved and held. I still want that, but maybe I don't have to hold my T's hand to access it. I can feel safe with her in other ways besides touching.

What was more important was that I wasn't left with the feeling that she "took it away" because it was bad for me, though she made it clear it was her reaction, and nothing about me. I also wanted her to see for herself that it wasn't sexual. It sounds weird, but I think I just wanted "closure" about holding her hand. Now I have the option to ask her again, or not to, and I feel settled about it, after a couple of years of sporadically telling her that holding her hand was the best part of my therapy and that she "took it away" without telling me.

[rainbow8]

I'm feeling a little bit invisible in this thread. Is it because people read it and think holding hands with my T is weird, or wrong? Or because positive threads in general get fewer responses? Just wondering. I do appreciate the responses and hugs that I got! T says I "push away the good things". Yeah, I tend to do that. But I was sharing something really BIG in my therapy and wanted validation that I resolved a long-standing issue with my T--about holding hands.

[brillskep]

I'm glad for you. I know how much holing hands with your T means for you. Sounds like you had a lovely session.

Happy birthday, by the way!

[willowbrook]

I'm sorry I haven't said anything. It sounded like such a major thing for you, and I didn't want to be all trite and dismissive sounding by just saying something mundane like "I'm glad" or "good for you, Yay".

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by willowbrook

I'm sorry I haven't said anything. It sounded like such a major thing for you, and I didn't want to be all trite and dismissive sounding by just saying something mundane like "I'm glad" or "good for you, Yay".

That would not have been, and is not dismissive at all. I wonder at so many people reading but not responding to me. Thank you!!!! I have an issue with feeling invisible and it makes me feel rejected. I know, my stuff. Mundane is fine, so I don't imagine 300 people think I'm pathetic.

Hi Rainbow,

I am very happy for you.

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi rainbow. I would do anything to have a hug and for my T to hold my hand. I truly get where you're coming from. I am so pleased for you. Well done for having the courage to initiate it. Xx

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm feeling a little bit invisible in this thread. Is it because people read it and think holding hands with my T is weird, or wrong? Or because positive threads in general get fewer responses? Just wondering. I do appreciate the responses and hugs that I got! T says I "push away the good things". Yeah, I tend to do that. But I was sharing something really BIG in my therapy and wanted validation that I resolved a long-standing issue with my T--about holding hands.

Congratulations!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Hi rainbow. I would do anything to have a hug and for my T to hold my hand. I truly get where you're coming from. I am so pleased for you. Well done for having the courage to initiate it. Xx

I hope my threads about touching/holding T's hand are not triggering for you. If you think touch is something you could benefit from, have you considered finding another T who will allow it? There are many Ts who will hug clients. I hate to see you wanting something so badly that your T won't even try with you.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm feeling a little bit invisible in this thread. Is it because people read it and think holding hands with my T is weird, or wrong? Or because positive threads in general get fewer responses? Just wondering. I do appreciate the responses and hugs that I got! T says I "push away the good things". Yeah, I tend to do that. But I was sharing something really BIG in my therapy and wanted validation that I resolved a long-standing issue with my T--about holding hands.

The forum has been super busy. The couch has gone to the 2nd page more than once; thread responses (not just views) are insanely high - even i started a thread recently. I think we're getting deeper into things, which is great - definitely gratifying intellectually and emotionally. I think if you get a hug, its the equivalent nowbof your t nodding and saying yes, go on - implying youre doing fine, continue - but its up to the analysand now to say more about what it all means, not so much the t/audience.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

The forum has been super busy. The couch has gone to the 2nd page more than once; thread responses (not just views) are insanely high - even i started a thread recently. I think we're getting deeper into things, which is great - definitely gratifying intellectually and emotionally. I think if you get a hug, its the equivalent nowbof your t nodding and saying yes, go on - implying youre doing fine, continue - but its up to the analysand now to say more about what it all means, not so much the t/audience.

Thank you hankster. Very insightful!! I think that's why I post in my own threads; I like to try to figure it all out. I still have work to do about my needs to be validated by others, and feeling left out. Other people have needs too. It's not all about me. I'm grateful that I'm going deeper into my therapy and doing well and want to share that with the world! But the world is busy with it's own challenges and insights. I'm still a work in progress, as my former T used to say! for everyone going through hard times, good times, and challenging times.

[Asiablue]

*Trigger warning*

I think you seem to be doing really well with the 60 mins, it's keeping you super focused on what's important. I also wonder when your T said the hand holding felt sexual that she's confusing the feeling for sensual.

We seem to all lump in sexual and sensual as being a similar thing, me included, i'm not sure i'm super clear or comfortable with it either but i've read that for a nursing infant and for the mother too that it is a sensual experience. Some women report feeling aroused by breast-feeding and feel really guilty and sick about it and stop breast-feeding their child because of it but as it turns out that feeling is connected to oxytocin flooding a woman's system during breast-feeding to enable milk to flow, to bond with her offspring and it's the same hormone that also gives us orgasm and contractions during labour so it's easy to get confused by physiological response and what it means.

Maybe hand holding triggered something for her, maybe there was a sensuality to it that we are not used to having with anyone other than our mothers in infancy and then our sexual partners. No one else gets that close to us anymore in modern society. We are touch deprived. And we assign meaning to touch feeling good as either infantilising or maternal or sexual. That's a very narrow band of definition to live by.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

*Trigger warning*

I think you seem to be doing really well with the 60 mins, it's keeping you super focused on what's important. I also wonder when your T said the hand holding felt sexual that she's confusing the feeling for sensual.

We seem to all lump in sexual and sensual as being a similar thing, me included, i'm not sure i'm super clear or comfortable with it either but i've read that for a nursing infant and for the mother too that it is a sensual experience. Some women report feeling aroused by breast-feeding and feel really guilty and sick about it and stop breast-feeding their child because of it but as it turns out that feeling is connected to oxytocin flooding a woman's system during breast-feeding to enable milk to flow, to bond with her offspring and it's the same hormone that also gives us orgasm and contractions during labour so it's easy to get confused by physiological response and what it means.

Maybe hand holding triggered something for her, maybe there was a sensuality to it that we are not used to having with anyone other than our mothers in infancy and then our sexual partners. No one else gets that close to us anymore in modern society. We are touch deprived. And we assign meaning to touch feeling good as either infantilising or maternal or sexual. That's a very narrow band of definition to live by.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, Asia. I am interested in discussing these aspects of holding hands and what it feels like, but didn't know how to ask in my thread. My T thought that I was having a sexual reaction, not that SHE was. That's the session that she told me she saw and felt that I was "crossing over". I don't think that was true, but I understand what she means because I suddenly became self-conscious about holding her hand at that time, in that session, so she misinterpreted it. That may be because it was uncomfortable for her, and I think that may have something to do with what she was going through in her marriage. Just a guess.

I myself felt aroused when I was nursing one of my children. I was seeing a different T then, and expressed my concern about that to her. She had a great answer, I thought. She said "it just means your equipment is working!"

My first T used to tell me, when I told her my feelings for her were sexual, that they were sensual, so I understand what you're saying. I know that holding my current T's hand has to do with those feelings between Mommy and baby because it feels so safe, and not intense or triggering. I see my grandson's face while he's nursing! He's in ecstasy! It's not quite like that holding T's hand, but I think it's a tiny bit of that same feeling!

[Asiablue]

Yes, that's what i meant, that she misinterpreted what she was sensing from you as sexual and not sensual. Although even if she'd sensed it as sensual maybe to her sensual in adults is about sexuality.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

That's the session that she told me she saw and felt that I was "crossing over".

What does "crossing over" mean in this context?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

What does "crossing over" mean in this context?

I was too embarrassed to ask her at the time but I remember her words. This was the worst session I've had in 4 years with my T. She said "you're crossing over. I see it and I feel it." This was after I tried holding her hands but I think I started blushing because I was embarrassed. I'm not sure what happened before that in the session. We may have been doing SE, somatic experiencing. I just blocked it all out! But I know that holding her hands did not feel sexual. So, I think she meant that instead of feeling safe, it felt sexual to me. Maybe she was right, but I felt like sinking into the floor. My T never talked to me like that before and I couldn't handle it. I think she also said "you have to get that from your H, not from me." We had held hands for months prior to this session, so she knew it never triggered me.

More recently, she told me that she had been triggered then. I think it had to do with her unstable marriage which I didn't know about it at the time.

Maybe I should google those words. I still get embarrassed to think she said that, even though we talk openly about sex and about my feelings for her. Sorry for such a long answer to a seemingly simple question, but you know I like to write! Also, that session is still haunting me though I forgive my T. I think that's one of her mistakes, but in this kind of therapy, we both have to be honest with how our "parts are feeling".

I just googled the phrase "crossing over" and all I found are references to genetic/sexual crossing over that isn't relevant. Maybe she meant "crossing over the line" as to what was appropriate or therapeutic. I think that must be it. I may have asked her at the next session but I apparently "forgot" her answer.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I hope my threads about touching/holding T's hand are not triggering for you. If you think touch is something you could benefit from, have you considered finding another T who will allow it? There are many Ts who will hug clients. I hate to see you wanting something so badly that your T won't even try with you.

I love reading your posts. Makes me realise I'm not alone in wanting this connection. Thank you rainbow.