Weirdly enough, I started writing a thread like this yesterday but changed my mind, but now I read a post about something related which kindled my interest again.

Some therapists give their clients compliments - and by "compliment" I mean "positive statement about a person", I don't include any aspect of insincerity in the term as I use it here. I think we can assume that therapists don't give compliments lightly or without meaning them - their job is not to stroke our ego, so when they say something about us, they presumably mean it. (I'm sure there are exceptions, but I'm choosing to discount those for the moment.) These compliments can fall into at least three categories: compliments about our personalities (for instance intelligent, pleasant), compliments about our actions in therapy (e.g. bravery, honesty), and compliments about our appearance (beauty, clothing style).

In my case, my T does not give me compliments in general. Most of the time, he makes no value statements at all, about me or other people. He has called me brave a couple of times, when I've brought up topics that are frightening for me to talk about. He has said that he trusts me, in connection with my telling him about sui thoughts but not acting on them. Once when I said "I'm actually not an unpleasant person outside this office" he implied that he did not necessarily think that I'm an unpleasant person in his office either, though he didn't actually say so. He has said - as a response to a direct question from me - that he likes me, which means a lot to me. And he has called me "very human" a number of times, and I consider that a real compliment, given the context. I have always had a positive feeling about the compliments T has given me. I have received compliments that have made me feel bad, so I know that is possible, but it has not happened with T.
On the other hand, a session or two ago he indirectly confirmed that he agrees with me that I am physically unattractive. (That hurt, I must admit. Although I do appreciate his honesty.) What I would really like for him to say is that he thinks I'm intelligent. I think that's a childish wish, but I imagine that T would call the wish "human".

What are your experiences and thoughts about Ts and compliments? I know and respect that some people really don't want compliments from their Ts, but I don't think there is anything wrong about feeling pleased when we do get them. And I don't think there is any universal truth about whether compliments are good or bad for people, it's all a matter of context, as well as personal opinions and experiences. Positive statements that make us feel good are probably in many cases a positive thing, and positive statements that make us feel bad are probably often bad, but that's as general as I venture to be

By the way, I was thinking of ethical therapists here - there are Ts out there who give sincere compliments to their patients for their own unethical purposes, and I'm sure those things are lovely to hear in the moment, but I have read a lot of stories by patients who have been really hurt by that. So that's a different can of worms from what I was talking about in my first post.

[feralkittymom]

I hope that in that indirect sort of agreement about your attractiveness, there is room for the possibility of hearing a negative you expect more than hearing a negative he said.

I know there are thoughts that Ts shouldn't compliment because it can be a way of encouraging a value-based expectation in clients. It does express a value judgement of sorts. I think, like most things, there's a bit of truth in that, but also a bit of positive feeling that is benign in most cases. I think if a T compliments a lot, I would question what purpose is being served and whether it's a healthy one. And of course, some people may react very negatively to compliments for any number of reasons, so the reason for giving them would have to be pretty strongly beneficial to overcome that.

My T did compliment, but rarely. The only ones I remember were character or action-based. He said he respected me (that was the first and astonished me), when I was at the lowest point of depression, because I forced myself to be functional--that I was fighting. And he said I was honest in response to making myself very vulnerable. He's said I am thoughtful on numerous occasions; or statements about me not recognizing my talents, which I suppose is sort of a compliment. I never doubted his sincerity at those times, even if I didn't see the same quality he did, so in that sense I felt positively. I think because those moments were rare, they also made me feel special; not because of the content of the compliment, but more my sense that he was crossing a boundary to say them. Like it was that important to him that he would bend the frame.

What are compliments? Do they have any under pining value?

Originally Posted by _Mouse

What are compliments? Do they have any under pining value?

Originally Posted by Mastodon

[...] by "compliment" I mean "positive statement about a person", I don't include any aspect of insincerity in the term as I use it here.

Feel free to redefine the term if you think my definition doesn't cover it well enough

[Asiablue]

I'm at the stage in my therapy relationship where i'm curious about whether my T likes me or not, i want to know what she sees or what she feels about me, how authentic the developing bond i feel is... And i have no idea. She doesn't feed back much to me about that sort of stuff. Not that i've asked directly. But she never agrees or disagrees with my negative thoughts about myself, she doesn't tell me my feelings or thoughts are wrong or right even.
I don't know if this is a technique or she agrees with me that i am all the bad things i think of myself.

[GenCat]

I think compliments can give huge boosts to ones self esteem. My T didn't start giving me compliments until just recently and I've been seeing her for almost a year. We've been through a lot and I value our relationship. I don't depend on her complimenting me, its just a nice suprise when it happens.

[AmysJourney]

This is a very interesting post! Thank you for starting this thread.
My thoughts on this are probably unique to my personality. I LOVE people! I love them for all different sorts of reasons. They have stories, they have characters, they have quirks, flaws, make mistakes, are able to reverse their mistakes and so on. In my eyes (and I am very sincere about that) no on is unattractive just by their outward appearance. What makes people unattractive to me are when they lie, deceive, treat people badly etc.

In my life, with people I know and meet, I give compliments a lot. I strongly believe in the 5-1 ratio. If you have something to criticize in another person, do so by at least giving them five positive things about them.
I have this friend, whom I regard as one of the best people I know, who has this philosophy down to the core and his life is full of happiness, content and love. When I go to visit him, he greets me at the door with a hug (1 positive) he says "Hi gorgeous" (2 positive) he asks me in and on the way in already tells me he has been thinking about me (3 positive). We then talk and if there is something he disagrees on he says something like "Sweetheart (4 positive), I know you think that way but... (1 negative)" When I leave he usually encourages me somehow, tells me how important I am to him etc. (5 positive)

So, long story short, I strongly believe we need compliments and assurances about us that are positive to become more secure in our identity. We can't build a healthy confidence in who we are, what our worth is, if others don't tell us.. And we should tell others what we like in them, compliment them sincerely but not inflationary.

In Therapy, I believe compliments are just as important! My T tells me when she likes a skirt I wear for example. Or she thinks the wig I chose for the day is really cool, haha...
She also compliments me on my intelligence or strength etc. In an email she wrote the other day: "I continue to admire you and your strength. You are quite amazing!"
I think compliments are important and if a T has something nice to say about a client, I'd rather he/says it and helps the self image of a client than to hesitate out of reasons that might not be in the client's best interest.

So yes, make compliments, take compliments. We are never too old to be told nice things about us.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Feel free to redefine the term if you think my definition doesn't cover it well enough

But what is it's under pinning value?

Does it create internal change in someone?

For me, compliments are like water of a ducks back

[stopdog]

The ones I see do it. It usually puzzles me as to why they think I care about their input on things I have not asked them about or because they have no way of knowing whether what they are saying is true or not. The first one usually qualifies whatever she is saying with a non-compliment -eg. "I am not worried about X, you have quite good boundaries. You are more over-boundaried" sort of thing.

I think the closer you are to T, and perhaps the more vulnerable you are about self-image, the more his/her comments will have an affect on you. The lack of positive feedback is definitely felt in therapy. It also just reinforces the negativity you feel about yourself. I see compliments as a good thing.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by notgoodenuf

I think the closer you are to T, and perhaps the more vulnerable you are about self-image, the more his/her comments will have an affect on you. The lack of positive feedback is definitely felt in therapy. It also just reinforces the negativity you feel about yourself. I see compliments as a good thing.

And so we should! We should see it as a good thing because the alternative is to believe that if a T gives us a compliment it's not sincere and that might lead us to question whether we can trust what T says at all. And going from there, whose compliments do we believe then?

I am so fed up with the notion that just because something is positive, it might need to be questioned.. You are right, the lack of positive feedback is felt in therapy. But it shouldn't be. It absolutely shouldn't! It should be part of the process of repair.

[Puglife]

My T gives a sincere compliment in almost all sessions. Usually at the end to encourage me. I do appreciate his words of encouragement.

[stopdog]

I tend to think, and this is based upon having read a lot of their textxbooks and literature, that therapists do things like compliment for specific reasons. I find it an attempt to manipulate in some fashion.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I tend to think, and this is based upon having read a lot of their textxbooks and literature, that therapists do things like compliment for specific reasons. I find it an attempt to manipulate in some fashion.

And we clients are the stupid, weak, dependent ones who are not able to make an educated judgment? That doesn't give us a lot of credit, really...

Manipulation is everywhere, every time, every angle. The moment we switch on the TV we are manipulated, the moment we go on the internet we are manipulated, the moment we are writing in a forum like this we are manipulated. If we want, we can find it whichever way we look.

But the question is, how do we choose to live? Questioning every positive thing and get disillusioned by the world and it's sincerity?
Or believing that there is good out there, believing compliments when they are given and give ourselves enough credit to evaluate when someone is not completely sincere?

I chose the second one. If it's naive, so what?

The things that do so much more than compliments ever could. Are to be heard, to be understood.
Seriously. Compliments are based in the ego.
I prefer stripping the ego. Living authentically

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I tend to think, and this is based upon having read a lot of their textxbooks and literature, that therapists do things like compliment for specific reasons. I find it an attempt to manipulate in some fashion.

I would not disagree. I see it as, i have let my t know i need positive reinforcement in some area, probably an area i am insecure in because i have taken a beating in it all my life, say from my family. For example, my intelligence. So, to counteract their innumerable negative messages, he gives me positive ones. Its weird because im always surprised when he says it, as if its the first time ive heard it. Thats whats really disturbing. This bucket has a hole in it - can it ever be filled?

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by hankster

I would not disagree. I see it as, i have let my t know i need positive reinforcement in some area, probably an area i am insecure in because i have taken a beating in it all my life, say from my family. For example, my intelligence. So, to counteract their innumerable negative messages, he gives me positive ones. Its weird because im always surprised when he says it, as if its the first time ive heard it. Thats whats really disturbing. This bucket has a hole in it - can it ever be filled?

So you asked your T to give you more positive reinforcement and then, when he does give this to you you question the sincerity of it because you have asked him for it in the first place?
So in your mind, he might just say it because he thinks you need to hear it? If that were true, wouldn't that make him a lousy therapist? Wouldn't that make you question how good he is for you?
It begs the question, why did you ask him for positive reinforcement when you already believe that if he would give it, you could question it?
I don't believe T's only give us positive feedback to counteract the negative we have experienced. Often they actually mean what they say.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Amelia112

And we clients are the stupid, weak, dependent ones who are not able to make an educated judgment? That doesn't give us a lot of credit, really...

Manipulation is everywhere, every time, every angle. The moment we switch on the TV we are manipulated, the moment we go on the internet we are manipulated, the moment we are writing in a forum like this we are manipulated. If we want, we can find it whichever way we look.

But the question is, how do we choose to live? Questioning every positive thing and get disillusioned by the world and it's sincerity?
Or believing that there is good out there, believing compliments when they are given and give ourselves enough credit to evaluate when someone is not completely sincere?

I chose the second one. If it's naive, so what?

I did not say it was not sincere - I said they use it to manipulate in some fashion. Those are not mutually exclusive.

Originally Posted by Amelia112

But the question is, how do we choose to live? Questioning every positive thing and get disillusioned by the world and it's sincerity?
Or believing that there is good out there, believing compliments when they are given and give ourselves enough credit to evaluate when someone is not completely sincere?

I chose the second one. If it's naive, so what?

Yes, so what - if it works for you, that's the only important thing, and I see nothing naïve in that world view. Although there are many alternatives to the two versions here. I try to keep in mind that compliments are more about the speaker's view and belief of who I am than who I actually am, and so in a sense I can both accept and question them.

I like getting compliments from my t.from anyone. I dont NEED compliments, but they are nice to hear. The other day i was presenting something to a large group of people and i got a round of applause. Some people stood up and applauded. That was nice of them and i appreciated it.
I appreciate compliments from my t. She gives them often on various things, and i tell her thank you. I dont question it, i just appreciate it.

I have a problem with telling my T I need positive feedback. Why can't my t see that's what I need and provide it? I mean they are supposed to be smart no? The problem I see in asking for a compliment is that if I have to ask then you don't feel I deserve it. If you don't feel I deserve to be told I'm good or kind or beautiful....then you won't say it. Silence speaks volumes and it hurts.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Yes, so what - if it works for you, that's the only important thing, and I see nothing naïve in that world view. Although there are many alternatives to the two versions here. I try to keep in mind that compliments are more about the speaker's view and belief of who I am than who I actually am, and so in a sense I can both accept and question them.

That is a highly intelligent response and I agree.

Compliments, positive enforcement is what shapes the healthy parts inside us. Kids need to be told they did something good, when they achieved something or even out of no other reason but to show love. If no one ever tells us we are beautiful, how would we know that we are? If no one ever falls in love with us, how would we know that we are lovable? If no one ever told us we are smart, funny etc.. how would we know? Our view of ourselves is shaped by what we have been told much more than what we observe. And unfortunately a lot of times we have been told negative things about us.

So every compliment is a gift, I believe.. even if we can use it to learn more about ourselves or the person who gives it.

[Mactastic]

My T told me many months ago that he does not give compliments in order to boost up a client's self esteem, but recently he has given me what felt like genuine compliments and they made my day...no, week! He has called me brave, honest, introspective and intelligent. Are these earth-shattering? No, but coming from him they make me feel great. Even though I "love" my T (huge transference, and it's no secret to him) I would be sad if he complimented my appearance, clothes, or anything other than what's relevant to our time together. Part of the reason I love him is because I know he's ethical and honest and I can trust him 100% with my feelings of love without feeling like I shouldn't have them, talk about them and explore them openly and without judgment. If he were to ever tell me I was pretty (or something similar) I would immediately lose faith in him.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Amelia112

So you asked your T to give you more positive reinforcement and then, when he does give this to you you question the sincerity of it because you have asked him for it in the first place?
So in your mind, he might just say it because he thinks you need to hear it? If that were true, wouldn't that make him a lousy therapist? Wouldn't that make you question how good he is for you?

I didnt directly ask my t - i let him know by what i told him about my past.

I dont question his sincerity. That doesnt necessarily mean i believe it! But he asked me to trust him to do his job, and after a while i did.

If he says something because he thinks i need to hear it - imo, that would make him an excellent therapist. Its all in how you look at it, right?

The point of my post was more that it is very difficult to overcome the programming of our past. Thats the bucket. Its kinda scary.

I often question how good my t is for me. But i can see big differences in how i interact with people now as compared to a few years ago, and i am pretty sure that can be attributed to my work with him and on PC.