Compliments from T

Some people are great at giving compliments or positive feedback, others aren't. Usually it depends on what kind of person they are. I wouldn't question your T's intelligence - perhaps he/she just isn't huge on compliments or hasn't been given a lot of compliments himself.
If you are not hearing many compliments, that absolutely doesn't mean you don't deserve them.
Do you think you are kind, beautiful etc? Can you believe that you are? I wish someone would tell you. I think you are smart and witty, from what I can read in your posts..
If you ever need a compliment, I am ready to give you a sincere one Because I am sure there are a lot of things about you I would compliment in real life!

I don't think that any person, T included, can see what we need. Our needs are not visible to others. We need to communicate our needs to others, which in my experience works much better than being upset that we are not being read right. This is fundamental--communication, in any relationship. If you can try to do this, it will help improve all your relationships.

The other issue I see flagged in your post is the distorted way you interpret the omission of a compliment. If you can challenge your beliefs about that and come up with more realistic and less self condemning reasons, it may not be so painful.

My Pdoc has called me intelligent, compassionate, intuitive, caring, attractive, mature, strong, and resilient. His compliments are always sincere and not given lightly, and it has really helped to challenge my own negative self image which tends to be 'I'm stupid, useless, weak, ugly, selfish, greedy, and so on', because that's what I heard growing up. I still find it exceedingly difficult to accept the compliments I'm given, but just hearing the words and know they do come from a place of sincerity it does chip away at that shell of negative self thoughts and allows me to feel like there's a chance that one day I can be confident enough to believe all those things for myself.

Wow, i feel like we got sidetracked from mast's op.

I have an ongoing thing with my t about attractiveness also. Mast, unless you are incredibly photogenic, in which case you should have been a model, you simply cannot be so objectively unattractive. That, or anybody looks cute when their photo is taken with a kitten! Since your t "indirectly confirmed" this, i would encourage you to be brave and clarify it with him. I have done so a couple of times with my t, when i was SURE he said A, but upon asking, he claims he said B. My t was like, why would i say that?? I was like, darn, i thought for once you agreed with me!

I find it more off putting that the therapist somehow thinks I care much what they think about me than whether what they say is sincere or not. If what a therapist says helps you, then good. I usually think it insulting for them to engage with me n that fashion. One time, a while back, the woman said something and I responded and she sId she was about to say something nice- I did have to laugh at that and told her the prospect of her saying something nice did not change my position.

I believe my T knew I needed to hear positive feedback but he didn't feel I deserved it. This hurt me so much I can't even begin to tell you how deeply I was affected. I have given compliments to people freely throughout my entire life. I have complimented strangers in the store or while waiting on line. I don't do it all the time but when I see that someone has gone out of their way to try and make themselves presentable (regardless if they are model material) I will say something nice. Be it their hair, shirt, cologne, tie what have you. In the years I saw my T I think he said maybe 2 nice things to me. Amelia, you asked if I could believe a compliment...that is hard to answer. But even if I couldn't believe it, it wouldn't hurt to tell me something nice would it? I'm not referring to you Amelia in that sentence, I think you know that. I appreciate your addressing my post with kindness and compliments even though you don't know me. It's sad that my T knows me very well but can't find the words to tell me what I need to hear or maybe (as I believe) just doesn't find anything good to say about me.

Amelia, you tell me I am smart and witty and I appreciate that. Thank you very much! I have to leave PC for now. Having a hard time fighting to write this with a sensitive laptop. I suppose I don't hear good things very often and I don't know that hearing them once will do me much good. But I do appreciate it.

My therapist has said some lovely things about me. She has seen some of my creative writing and called me a gifted writer. She encourages me to write a book.

She's called me intelligent, socially conscious, loving, witty, and beautiful inside and out. She says she trusts me.

"I enjoy working with you immensely and am very proud of the progress you have made and your faithfulness to the process."

She's said it is her extreme honor to work with me. I wanted to send her a gift recently, but she said I was a gift, that it was gift enough to be working with me.

I can't think of them all at the moment, almost want to go back and find them... it is affirming to see her faith in me and positive view. We both spend a lot of time working on my areas for improvement, so... it is critical, given how intense my therapy is, to keep in mind the positives, the things that do work, the aspects of me that are worth complimenting.

My T has given me all three kinds of compliments. She's pretty free and flowing with her compliments, and they always feel genuine.

Personal Qualities: She's told that I have both academic intelligence and emotional intelligence, she's told me that I'm mature, self-aware, conscientious, trustworthy, loyal, and compassionate. She's also told me that I have a great sense of humor, I'm easy to get along with, fun to be around, and "one of a kind" and "definitely not boring." She's also told me that her and I have a special relationship that she doesn't have with a lot of clients, that she cares about me very much, and that after I stop therapy she still wants me to update her on my life every so often so she can see where I go in the world.

In therapy: She has told me that I'm willing to be honest and open in a way that few clients are. She says that she can trust me to be authentic with her, and to have the courage to share the hard stuff. She also says she appreciates it when I tell her that something she has said or done has bothered me and I want to discuss it with her so that we can work through it. She says not everyone can calmly and respectfully talk through a disagreement and come out the other side feeling more connected, so it says something about me and about our relationship that we can.

Appearance: She tells me frequently that I'm "attractive" or "gorgeous." Last week, I showed her some pictures I took of me and the little girl I mentor, and she said "oh wow! you look like a model! like a pretty blonde barbie doll!" I sort of gave her a look like "uhhh" and she said "it's a compliment! I wouldn't mind if someone called me a barbie doll!" So, I laughed and took it in the spirit it was intended. She will also compliment my clothes pretty frequently or say "gee, you look nice today" or "those are new earrings; I like them" and reach out and touch my jewelry or feel the fabric of a new skirt. I give her the occasional compliment as well-- like, last session, I told her that I liked her necklace.

I think my T is just naturally someone who likes to give compliments, and gives them freely. They always make me feel good, so I appreciate them.

My T compliments me on being open and brave, and working hard. He has said he wishes more clients would talk about the therapeutic relationship as openly as I do. He says he enjoys working with me, and often says that it is very good to see me. He's said he likes one of my tattoos, and he likes the artwork I bring in (I pay him in cash since he doesn't take cards, and cash makes me feel slightly crass so I make a custom envelope each week).

I like the positive reinforcement, especially since it focuses on the therapeutic relationship. I don't think I have complimented him, since it feels slightly strange to do so in terms of boundaries, but I do thank him for what he does fairly often. I may compliment him next time I think of it to see how it goes.

ours complimets us all the time and even though we usually have great difficulty accepting/believing it we surely do appreciate them all. and she is very sincere as well ♥

Oo me too! If he told me i was pretty/clever/whatever I would be annoyed!

I've had "it was a brave decision to come back, you are engaging well" and that was during the one session I said i was going to terminate analysis because I thought he was being mean. Thats all.

Sames. I prefer it that way, I don't need his empathy, I barely need his opinions.

My t complimented me because she knew I had pretty low self esteem. She would say that I looked well, she liked my clothes, I was brave and that she likes be not because she is my t but because I am likeable. Of course I dont believe any of it.
I know its not their job to make us feel better but it is nice when they say something positive to you when you are struggling to accept yourself.

My T does compliment me sometimes it is on something I am wearing or the color I am wearing...she really likes when I wear a certain blue or purple....this is nice but more importantly she compliments me on on issues who I am am...One of my biggest issues is worrying about my being a good enough parent. Whenever I beat myself up over parenting issues (often unfounded) she will say I know you will disagree but I think you are an amazing parent. She has also told me that parents of children with ADHD get a free ride to heaven (jokingly of course) and since I have 2 with it...I am ALL set..While in that moment the compliments may not help me over time things are getting better..

Thanks for this thread, Mastodon. I am sorry to hear he said that about your appearance.

In reading some of the responses here, it's making me sad. We haven't being seeing each other for very long yet, but over the past few months I've given T several compliments to which he responds "thank you". Now I'm wondering...He does give me positive feedback sometimes; he'll say "It's good that you do/did this ____". But not about my personality. I can see where that would feel good for someone with low self-worth like me.

But that's the paradox. For people who might have low self worth or a need for approval, this would backfire. It could stifle growth. This could be detrimental for people who need to be perfectionist. Then there are those who have a need to be righteous, have a need to be entertaining or the center of attention; people pleasing...I could go on and on.

One thing that I've always struggled with is insincerity from others. I have a hard time with people who I think act fake-like they are complimenting me just to get my attention or approval. Or for some manipulative reasons, say if someone wants something from me (this is also related to CSA). My mother was like this-fake around the neighbors or relatives, then just mean and cruel to her children. My antennas tend to pick up any bit of disingenuousness inside and outside of therapy, and I also have trust issues impacted by related behaviors.

This sounds like my T. I think the idea is to work to get to the point where you value yourself regardless of what others think, say, how they treat you, or how they react. That is what self-worth is all about-valuing yourself in the intrinsic sense. That is something really important I learned from my last T, and I carry this as a reminder wherever I go. You are not how people treat you or how they relate to you. Boundaries helped me know this.

If you think about it, many were abused and treated in a way where we were deemed worthless. What damaged me was (sa) being an object only valued when it was for someone else's gratification. Being loved for my body, for being attractive, for being fun, cute, beautiful...or how I could make someone else feel good. So when I grew up and realized this is not how it is, the question arose-why would anyone love me now?

I'm not sure what my point is, but I am pretty sure I have to feel good about myself just for being me. Babies and children learn about themselves from how others relate to them from a very small age. They get their self-worth from others. But if one is grown and had missed out on the internalization of worth by others, this is no longer true. If this is the case, then you are prone to becoming narcissistic-you see yourself as how others reflect your image back to you. That's false self-worth. Your T might be reflecting that image back to you, but what happens when T is gone? Are others going to reflect favorable things back at you that you can internalize and add to your worth? When happens when those people are not in your life anymore-do you lose your self-worth when they are no longer there to reflect back? I just don't know if healthy narcissism can be instilled within as an adult. Maybe it can?

I am feeling sad T doesn't give me compliments now, but I am not sure how I feel about this.

I think you're hitting on something important, skies. If compliments are a response to something happening within the relationship in the room, then it's possible they can work to repair narcissistic injury. But if the compliments address an aspect of what the client feels to be a "false self," then they may feel flattering in the moment, but ultimately feed negative views of the self. They become a way of invalidating, and not "seeing" the client. That would be damaging. What we value in ourselves, and what others value in us, may or may not be the same things. Distinguishing what we value, from what we don't value but should, and from what we have been taught to value at the expense of our true selves is a very tricky thing.

My T has made compliments in all three categories. It's not something that comes up every session or anything, but we've been meeting for a couple years now and in that time he's made a couple comments in each category. On the appearance side, he's said once I was well dressed, or looked professional (I was wearing my work uniform). One time I thought he had a slip of the tongue indicating he found me attractive, but I've questioned whether that was just more in my mind. He's definitely never said anything directly about my appearance except for my work clothes.

I like your comment about T's not giving compliments lightly, actually hadn't considered that, and I personally tend to take compliments with a grain of salt... but you are probably right, doesn't sound like a T to say something nice if it's not true.

This seems mean and not really appropriate. I don't think a T should express any opinion on a persons physical appearance unless it is to point out clothing choices or health issues. For example, I could see if you wore baggy sweats with stains on them, your T might want to bring that up and ask why you might be doing that. Or, maybe you look extremely fatigued. Whether someone's features and mannerisms are attractive or not is entirely subjective, for example I've fallen for several people who my friends have said were not attractive and vice versa... so I think sharing his opinion on that would just be mean. Any way you could have misinterpreted him?

I would not like T to discuss my clothing choices, since it's not something that is important or interesting to me. I always wear more or less the same, jeans and a T-shirt/sweater, since I go from T straight to work - I have no dress sense, and no need for one. The only thing that matters is that the clothes are clean and not torn. And T did not actually express any opinion at all about me, it was how he responded to what I said, with an observation about attractiveness and lack of attractiveness and what it implies and doesn't imply. But yes, as you say (and as feralkittymom said) it could be my interpretation of his words rather than his intention.

And to pick up on what Amelia wrote, the fact that I know myself to be unattractive and basically unlovable (in RL) stems from actual knowledge, but that's not something I am prepared to discuss in a very public place like this. But it's definitely true that we learn about ourselves from other people's reactions to us, positive or negative. It's not the only way we can know things about ourselves, though. I wear a PhD ring so I have some kind of indication that I am probably fairly intelligent. Doesn't mean that I don't like it when people compliment my intelligence, though

My T gives me compliments, not all the time, not on my appearance but how well I am doing, in and out of therapy. I don't feel comfortable with it at all and tend to pull a face and not believe it but that's because I'm not used to it, I'm not used to receiving compliments so don't know how to react to them, so I just pull a face.

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Kind of coming from the other way, but my t will respond with this rather strained or slightly peeved "thank you" sometimes - i think when he thinks ive given him a compliment unworthy of either of us - like something hes heard a million times before, or it sounds totally superficial, which of course is never my intent at all. i will have to ask him about it if i ever eff up like that again.

My T has complimented me on several occasions, and I have appreciated his compliments.

His compliments have revolved around my strength and ability to handle family crises calmly and resourcefully and my personality in general. I've never felt his compliments to be anything but sincere, and I found them reassuring (particularly the crisis management ones) to know he felt I handled things remarkably well.

I've learned over the years to graciously accept compliments when offered rather than to argue about it or dismiss it as insincere. I believe most compliments (particularly those that go beyond "you look nice today"-ish ones) are well meant and sincere and a simple thank you is all that is needed in return.

What an interesting question! My therapist doesn't shower me with compliments. Rather, I'd say they are few and far between. But I'll never forget what happened in the first year of therapy. I was in excruciating pain. I'm a writer. It's how I process things. So when in the throes of pain that had my psyche swirling, I would write her an email. It was very therapeutic for me to do that, but I was somewhat ashamed about it. Ashamed that I *needed* to do it, and really afraid that when she saw my name in her mailbox that she was rolling her eyes and thinking "Oh brother, not again!" A lot of times my emails were quite long.

The emailing wasn't something we discussed. But after months and months of this, my anxiety about it surfaced and I referred to it, making a comment about it must be wearing her out, and apologizing for doing it. She quite spontaneously smiled and said "No... please don't stop writing! I look forward to your emails... you are gifted." Oh man, that meant everything in the world to me! After that, she made a couple of other comments at different times characterizing my writing as something that "took her breath away." Of course, we're talking about things I've written her that have involved intense experiences and pain.

The spontaneity of her comment, and it being directly related to something that was real to me is what made it feel genuine. It's not like she was trying to make me feel good about something. It was not patronizing. If my therapist were doing that then it would feel weird.

When I get compliments from T I think he's just saying that because he wants me to feel better about myself. Which I think we can presume he is, after all isn't that the point of a compliment in the first place? So compliments from T seem a little contrived and I find myself analyzing them and not in a good way. Its probably just me, I dislike compliments from anyone to be honest.

I don't think my T compliments, he makes observations. Early on he said I had a lovely expressive face but I didn't take that as a compliment. He once said he liked my hair but what he really wanted to discuss was the backstory to the change.

Well, Amelia, since you've been here, I've read most of your posts, and I've been meaning to tell you that I really like you!

Now that therapy is over, it is those positive compliments that come to mind and get me unstuck. I heard the negative voice from mom all my life and from myself all my life, because that's all I new. Originally we went for family therapy, because I was having parenting issues. When it was just me I would always say what a lousy mother I was, and torture myself for being a failure at such an important job. Also, at that point my kid was saying I was a lousy mother and person. My therapist never said no, you aren't or yes, you are. This went on forever six months, then finally during one of my self flagellations she said, "You are a wonderful mother." and has said it many times since. A few months after she first said it, I told her that I thought she thought I was a bad mother, or maybe just an adequate one, even though the first six months she kept telling me I gave my kid a safe and secure base, and we were working to repair a rupture. I just kept hearing I was a bad MOM. She told me that I was in a place during those months that I would not have been able to hear that I was a good mom. So, I'm grateful for those complements, and am no longer cannon fodder for all the negative messages that came from my mom.