[IndestructibleGirl]

*Trigger - reference to suicidal thoughts*

As the title says, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep living this way. I am so piercingly alone. All. The. Time. Even when I'm with friends, in the back of my mind I'm conscious of how I go home to stare at walls and how nobody would notice for days if I was murdered, whereas they go home to partners and have parents calling every day. They have a rich tapestry of relationships that I just don't have. I know they love me, and they're there in some very solid ways, but they aren't enough. Then I feel bad for it not being enough. Nothing's ever going to be enough.

I know that I love them too, but I can't feel it. I can't feel anything except a cycle of grief and pain, and then panic, and then numbness, and then it starts again.

I have a phone check-in with my therapist tomorrow and it just seems so laughable. What good can it do? What is the point of speaking to her for five minutes or two hours ad infinitum? I don't feel a warm glow at talking to her anymore. I don't feel anything except maybe a bit anxious and embarrassed that I was naïve enough to believe that I could fix myself and become somebody who could connect to others, and be wanted and welcomed, and be part of a network of human beings.

I am fighting so hard not to go down an obsessive spiral of suicidal thoughts. I have given in to some pretty grave self harming behaviours as a 'treat', just to distract myself from what I know to be true - that I'm going to be trapped in isolation until I gather up the guts to kill myself efficiently and not **** it up and end up worse

I'm really failing. I keep calling in sick to work because I'm vomiting from panic attacks. I haven't managed to find full time work and I'm a sinking ship. I'm not taking care of myself - not eating for days, and then binging on a bag of sweets. Being careless with my medication for my physical health condition. I've lost five pounds in the last week or so and that's a danger signal to me that my health is suffering. I sleep far too much because its like suicide without the commitment.

I have times when I'm okay and upbeat - like with my friends, part of me enjoys seeing them so much and having the laughter etc, and doing telephone interviews for jobs I'd genuinely be excited to get - but it's like I can only sustain okayness for a few hours, and then it falls away and the panic and loneliness start to bite my face off again. I am exhausted.

I guess the trust is really gone between my T and I for now anyway, because I am inwardly cringing at telling her any of this. I can't do it. Or I don't think I can. And even if I could, what difference will it make? Nothing will change, I'll still be in the same position I'm in now. I need a fairy godmother, not a therapist.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know the point of this post, except to maybe feel like I have someone to talk to, instead of it just going in circles in my head, hour after hour, day after day.

[nottrustin]

Indestructible,

Please talk to your Pcdoc or T...not to long ago I could have written your post. I had many of the same feelings. While I have a husband and children at home I felt totally alone. Ended up being depression and my medications were no longer working . We added a medication and it made a huge difference.

Until then we are here for you talk away.

[unaluna]

I felt like "it" was gone between me and my t too. He was kinda cranky last week. He even used the b-word on me - boundaries. I was like wtf? I wasnt ready for it to be over. I was afraid i was going to revert back to being a huge douche. He just helped me see today that he was still there, and that the reasons for my feelings were based in the past, of no one being there. I was also able to connect it to some stuff from my previous session, connecting disordered eating and body image and non-acceptance, and again, family rejection. I think "normal" people dont have to deal with this just to get thru the day. Its like we have to consciously remember to breathe.

[Leah123]

Give this post to your therapist. Please.

[kaliope]

I was once where you were at. at the bottom of the deepest darkest hole feeling there was no way out. but I shared it in therapy and I found the right antidepressant and low and behold,,,,,the light finally broke thru...that magic wand I always wanted finally appeared and it all went away. I couldn't believe the difference in my life. there is hope. don't give up. talk to your t. get meds. it can get better. I promise. just don't give up.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I have the email open in front of me to send her it, but I keep hesitating. It just feels utterly pointless. I feel like maybe this is something beyond the remit of therapy, it's to do with acceptance and willingness to commit to being alive and creating a life for myself, but I simply can't do it. But nor can anyone else do it for me.

When we were having our bad session one of the things she said was that the unconscious part of me is hugely driven by determination to prove that I'm too much in every way - too needy, drinks too much, too everything, so that's why I go out and be the person who is 'too much'. But I can't get away from my unconscious. I think my unconscious wishes I was dead and now I am just able to hear that more clearly. Therapy can't equip me with a wholehearted committed desire to live though.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I have the email open in front of me to send her it, but I keep hesitating. It just feels utterly pointless. I feel like maybe this is something beyond the remit of therapy, it's to do with acceptance and willingness to commit to being alive and creating a life for myself, but I simply can't do it. But nor can anyone else do it for me.

When we were having our bad session one of the things she said was that the unconscious part of me is hugely driven by determination to prove that I'm too much in every way - too needy, drinks too much, too everything, so that's why I go out and be the person who is 'too much'. But I can't get away from my unconscious. I think my unconscious wishes I was dead and now I am just able to hear that more clearly. Therapy can't equip me with a wholehearted committed desire to live though.

If it's pointless, you may as well send the email dear. Send it and see what happens. Therapy can't make you want to live, but it can nourish the part that does, the part that is FIGHTING hard right this second. I honor that part pushing through the hopelessness and apathy you feel, and the fear that nothing will ever be alright. You may just not see the reason you want to live yet, but it's there!

Try and think about every moment of kindness and love and compassion you've ever felt. Teachers, friends, people here, pets, whatever it may be. Love you've felt and love you've given. Try and sit with that for a while. Things can get much better.

[SoupDragon]

While you are alive you always have a choice that you don't have if you are dead. l remind myself of that just in case my decisions are emotionally driven and therefore based on faulty thought patterns.

At those tImes l try to see my thoughts as dysfunctional and overloaded, in the same way that my lungs would be breatheless if l ran too fast, or my kidneys working over time it l drank too much. My overwhelmed dark head is just a reaction to pain l may be experiencing at the time. It ALWAYS does pass Please take care. Soup

[HazelGirl]

A part of my unconscious wishes I was dead, too. It's getting better, but that still comes out every once in a while. *Hugs* I hope you do talk to your T.

[emptyspace]

I dont post much, but I wanted to say I can totally relate -- 100%. Even the disappearing and no-one knowing or caring.
I am not sure that things can get better. I am not sure T even works for people who are so far lost or so traumatized by life.
I don't know anymore.

You have friends. Hang-on. They would care that you were missing...

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by emptyspace

I am not sure that things can get better. I am not sure T even works for people who are so far lost or so traumatized by life.

It can. Like others who have posted here before me, I have walked through this shadow of the valley of death. But this time I was walking with a caring and competent T and it made all the difference.

Never, never, never give up - Winston Churchill and Shaggy

[Yoda]

[peaches100]

(((Indestructible Girl)))

How are you today? Did you send your t the email?

We care about you!

If your post is an accurate description of where you're at right now, IndestructibleGirl, I would say you should be in the hospital. Either talk to your pdoc about getting you admitted or go to the ER. I fear it's not safe for you to continue to be alone.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thank you, it really means a lot. I'm really quite well today - I've had a dramatic shift in my job search and suddenly got three interviews all at once, all for amazing companies in my field, which has lifted me a lot.

I don't panic and spiral down so much whenever I can seize hope that I will be able to look after myself financially. Not just because I don't think I'm going to end up in some kind of shelter for homeless women, but because even a little bit of money would allow me to build more of a life for myself. The pdoc I saw agreed with this. Part of my problem is that I have got interests and passions but am so hamstrung financially I feel very trapped when the career front looks bleak.

Peaches, thank you - I sent a long text outlining things rather than a proper email.

The Skeezyks, it is indeed an accurate picture of where I was a couple of days ago, and realistically I could well be there again before the week is out. My mood is very unstable. However, I don't think a hospital would be the place for me. All they can do is drug me up, and I'd inevitably miss more time at work, not be as alert for job interviews if I was on heavy-duty meds, and so become even more poor making my position worse. It's brutal but I have to sink or swim, there is no buoyancy aide available. But thank you.