[purplemystery]

Hi everyone! I haven't been on here in awhile. I hope you're all doing well.

I am in the termination phase with my T since I am graduating, with just 5 sessions left after 3 years with her. I am so depressed about the end and am looking at it like the end of my life, as dramatic as that sounds. Counseling is one of the most important parts of my life to me, and I feel like my T is the only one that truly knows who I am and cares about me despite that. It kills me that I can't "keep" her; I worked so hard to get close to her.

The past few months with her have been so hard. I am trying so hard to tell her how upset I am about the end, but I just can't explain it or get the words out. I don't know if she would believe me. And I feel like I'm withdrawing- yesterday I came in and just sat in silence, which is not something that I would usually do. I was having a tough time saying anything at all, and I felt like I was in so much pain. I am having a harder time connecting with her, which is the last thing that I want to be saying right now. I wanted to end in the best way possible, but I'm throwing my limited sessions away, and when I'm by myself again I become devastated that I wasted my time not saying much. If I have a good session, I'm still devastated because soon I won't have that anymore. It's so emotionally draining.

Two weeks ago I said that I was afraid she would forget about me after awhile. She said that she thinks she will remember me for the long term because she knows how much I have tried throughout our years together, and how much meaning I have found in our experience. I secretly hoped I was personally meaningful to her because of the intensity of my feelings for her. She said not many clients want to talk about the relationship as much as I do (maybe it's this way because she works with college students? I was very surprised). But after yesterday's session, I'm afraid she will want to take it back that she will remember me. I don't know if I deserve that after acting so distant.

The worst of it is that I have gotten into a pattern over a year ago where I no longer look at her at all, and my posture is terrible to protect myself. I've been trying different things to change this, and she has tried a lot too. I've had little tiny successes, but for the most part I feel like a failure because I'm starting to get even more anxious. I should trust her enough to be able to do something so simple as look around the room. She knows that I'm more uncomfortable around her than pretty much anyone else, but it's my last wish with her to work through this fear. I just feel like I'm letting her down, and she will think that we actually don't have that strong of a relationship. She wants to be the one to help me through this as much as I want her to be. I don't want to leave with this stain on our relationship.

I don't really know what I'm asking for with this thread, just somewhere to vent! I don't want to ruin this. Has anyone ever gotten worse around termination phase? What was it like to be on your way out?

[SoupDragon]

I have not been through that experience and try not to think about it - I'm always ready to quit on my terms, but to actually sit with T in the moment knowing it is coming to an end sounds really hard.

Life is full of loss and I wonder whether ending therapy, wherever you are at in the process, is like a bereavement. So maybe it is absolutely OK for you to be feeling as you are - not a pleasant feeling, but one that is appropriate for the situation.

Soup

[HazelGirl]

Can you find a new T outside of your school system?

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I have not been through that experience and try not to think about it - I'm always ready to quit on my terms, but to actually sit with T in the moment knowing it is coming to an end sounds really hard.

Life is full of loss and I wonder whether ending therapy, wherever you are at in the process, is like a bereavement. So maybe it is absolutely OK for you to be feeling as you are - not a pleasant feeling, but one that is appropriate for the situation.

Soup

Thanks Soup, it is tough that it's a forced termination when I don't feel ready. It does feel like a bereavement, and maybe you're right that it's okay to be feeling how I am. I just don't even know if I should tell her how hard of a time I'm having, because I almost wonder if talking about it would make it worse. I don't want her to know all of these awful things I'm thinking, because then maybe she'll think less of us. It will seem more "real" that I'm in a bad place with her if she believes it too. Because what if I am being dramatic, and I can turn this around before we end if I just get a different attitude about the situation?

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Can you find a new T outside of your school system?

Hi HazelGirl, thanks for the suggestion. I probably can't, at least not until I'm off my parent's insurance. And I just don't know if I could find anyone that would measure up to my current T.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Hi HazelGirl, thanks for the suggestion. I probably can't, at least not until I'm off my parent's insurance. And I just don't know if I could find anyone that would measure up to my current T.

Once you get the chance, it would be a good idea to. They don't have to measure up. Your T was special to you and cannot be replaced. But you can have someone else who can carry on the healing journey.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Your T was special to you and cannot be replaced. But you can have someone else who can carry on the healing journey.

That is a good way to look at it. I will try to remember that.

[SoupDragon]

l don't deal well with emotions, l either can't feet them, or become orerwhelmed. l thought seeing T would get rid of them, that l would be able to live my life without having to feel them as they felt pretty pointless to me. However the complete opposite has happened. T encourages me to notice them, accept them and to be "curious" about them, that they exist to give me a message.

l would still rather not have to deal with them (they are very inconvenient!), but l do try to remember as my T says, that they are not wrong, but they are just as they are.

l am sure it is usual to have these feelings at termination and maybe it would be more unusual to feel nothing at this point, so I am also sure your T may be expecting or at least not thrown, for you to have these feelings.

As you only have a few sessions left and not in a situation to start with someone else, l would tell your T. You could then work through the feelings and also explore what you can do for support going forwards.

And well done for graduating

Soup

[feralkittymom]

It's just so difficult.

I can't tell you how to get there, but if you can put aside everything that has come before, and quiet yourself, visualize letting go of all the disappointments and negative thoughts and fears, be in the present moment of each of your remaining sessions, and let yourself feel whatever you feel, I think you'll be more satisfied in hindsight. If you can do that until your final session, you may be in a place at that time to look at your T. You may be able to let yourself look at her as a gift for both of you, instead of an insurmountable fear.

I can only tell you that I felt much the same, and I also had tremendous difficulty with eye contact. The circumstances were different, but what made it possible for me to sustain looking at him in our last session was that in my mind, the focus wasn't on me anymore, nor on the past: it was solidly in the present moment with an awareness of sharing the gift of that sight connection and of creating a memory for the future.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

l don't deal well with emotions, l either can't feet them, or become orerwhelmed. l thought seeing T would get rid of them, that l would be able to live my life without having to feel them as they felt pretty pointless to me. However the complete opposite has happened. T encourages me to notice them, accept them and to be "curious" about them, that they exist to give me a message.

l would still rather not have to deal with them (they are very inconvenient!), but l do try to remember as my T says, that they are not wrong, but they are just as they are.

l am sure it is usual to have these feelings at termination and maybe it would be more unusual to feel nothing at this point, so I am also sure your T may be expecting or at least not thrown, for you to have these feelings.

As you only have a few sessions left and not in a situation to start with someone else, l would tell your T. You could then work through the feelings and also explore what you can do for support going forwards.

And well done for graduating

Soup

Thanks Soup, this made me shed a few tears.

First let me just say that I feel the same way! I either can't feel emotions when I think that I should, which confuses me, or I become overwhelmed by them and can't seem to control them. I am weird about my emotions- I get embarrassed for having any, and my T has mentioned before that I should try to be more comfortable with my feelings. I have always liked the idea that feelings exist to give us a message, though I do forget about that from time to time, so thank you for reminding me. I think I have been judging all of this as me being difficult or dramatic, when maybe they are just telling me how important she is to me.

I think I will tell her, and I hope that she will, as you say, at least not be thrown. It seems to me like she is trying hard to put a positive spin on our end, and she's downplaying some of my emotions. I don't want to upset her by looking at it so negatively, and I don't want her to feel like her work didn't amount to anything, or that her work just hurts people in the end. But I can't help feeling devastated. Thank you for the help, Soup.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

It's just so difficult.

I can't tell you how to get there, but if you can put aside everything that has come before, and quiet yourself, visualize letting go of all the disappointments and negative thoughts and fears, be in the present moment of each of your remaining sessions, and let yourself feel whatever you feel, I think you'll be more satisfied in hindsight. If you can do that until your final session, you may be in a place at that time to look at your T. You may be able to let yourself look at her as a gift for both of you, instead of an insurmountable fear.

I can only tell you that I felt much the same, and I also had tremendous difficulty with eye contact. The circumstances were different, but what made it possible for me to sustain looking at him in our last session was that in my mind, the focus wasn't on me anymore, nor on the past: it was solidly in the present moment with an awareness of sharing the gift of that sight connection and of creating a memory for the future.

Thank you for sharing your experience, feralkittymom.

I do have such limited time left, and what you say makes sense: I shouldn't waste it in disappointment. I should be present and live fully in that hour that I have with her. It's weird how hard it is for me- when I get there, I sometimes feel like I'm thinking or speaking in slow motion, and I zone out. Other times I feel intense fear. But sometimes I am able to feel my genuine sadness though.

Anyway, I really like what you said about the eye contact being a gift for both of us. This is part of the reason why it bothers me so much that I can't look at her- I think she deserves to have this gift, and I feel like it's an insult to her that I haven't been able to give it, though I really want to. But if I really concentrate on all that she has done for me, maybe I'll be able to believe she's a safe enough person in the session.

Your experience really gave me hope because now I see what kind of a mindset I need to have in order to look at my T. If I can take myself out of the equation and think only of creating a memory, I think I can do it. I really appreciate your help!