[JFB1962]

Hi...I'm wondering if there is a way to avoid transference in therapy?...I went through bad transference with my ex t whom encouraged it than when she realized she couldn't handle it, she dumped me...

I started with a new T and I don't want to go down that same road...Does anyone know how I can avoid transference like the plague?...Thanks JFB

[Rapunzel]

JFB,

I know that transference can be really uncomfortable, for everyone involved, but it really is a key part of what therapy is about. Transference is all the stuff that you bring into the relationship from your other relationships and experiences. We don't only do that in therapy, BTW, but with everyone we meet. You could relate to your boss at work like you related to a parent or teacher or someone who was important in your life in the past. Because therapy is intense, transference gets more intense than elsewhere, and can be more obvious. But that is the very stuff that we go to therapy for, so it's not a bad thing that it happens.

Rather than try to avoid experiencing transference, you can manage it by talking to your therapist about those feelings and where they are coming from and what they really mean. Then your therapist can do his or her job, and help you to sort through the transference and learn and practice more effective ways of relating to people. If your therapist is uncomfortable with your transference, then the therapist needs to identify specifically what it is about the way they react to you that is uncomfortable. That is exactly where the keys to helping you lie.

TC,
Rap

What sort of feelings did you have for your old t?
Did you love her?
Hate her?
Did you act on those feelings?

What do you think she did to encourage your feelings?

(I'm trying to figure out what kind of transference you mean so that if those feelings arise again... There might be little things you can say to 'test the water' early on so you can back off if it isn't safe)

[Perna]

Transference happens in all relationships. Sorry you got a T you felt couldn't handle it. It's about your past/present relationships "transferred" onto her (and her "countertransference" to a certain extent, her relationships transferred onto you). We've all had several people in our past who have impacted on us, good and bad. It's like dreaming about something that happened "today," if it's strong/meaningful/bugging us enough, it happens.

[JFB1962]

ewwwwwww why do I feel like I opened my big mouth and opened a can of worms...Anyways...My ex T ewwww ok let just put it this way I became my ex T's little sister...

It was her caring that I latched onto.....JFB

So... It was a positive transference (good feelings)?

Did your t say why she terminated you?

Was it because she couldn't cope with your feelings of dependency?

T's have their own issues... Sometimes that means that they can't cope with certain kinds of transferences. Maybe... She lost her younger sibling to suicide or something like that and hence when confronted with your dependency transference it was really triggering for her...

It is her weakness. As a therapist. It is her weakness that she couldn't help you through those feelings.

I'm so sorry that things turned out badly with that :-(
It can be oh so hard to trust people with those vulnerable feelings. I'm sorry it wasn't handled well :-(

[(JD)]

I'm not sure that falls under "therapeutic" transference (with your former T.) That isn't really condoned in many professional's circles...

The best way to prevent it is to discuss it fully with your current T. It is a good therapy topic, imo.

[JFB1962]

My new T knows the whole story and her response was it was devastating to read...I wrote it out b/c I couldn't say it...I went into therapy one day and my ex T said "I'm sorry I can't work with you anymore" I asked why and she said you know why...I walked out.......

[(JD)]

Well, good riddens to the old T. I'm sorry you were hurt by the experience, and hope that will not occur with you and any other Ts. I am curious if the former T was a licensed psychologist or not, though.

Transference is necessary for good therapy. But not the coddling, reparenting that your old T gave you... that's not really good transference imo. Your new T will have her work cut out for her to model good transference for you, and it might take you much longer to trust it.

[JFB1962]

Hi Sky...Yeah she was a Psy.d...My new T about flipped when she found out what had happened....

[(JD)]

I'm glad your new T has her head on straight.

[tabby]

oh dear now after reading all of this is feel paranoid that my T will dump me. all ive done these first few sessions is cry & sob & he sits down in the chair beside of me & assures me i have a good heart. now i feel myself having a crush on him & im afraid it will shine thru like the sun next time i see him. anyways hes a good T & i dont wanna end up getting dumped by him. i have a long way to go with healing & getting dumped by a T i like would do who knows what to me. i know i need to cut these thoughts off in a bad way but dont know how. also i need to really think about what i wanna talk about next time i see him so im not just sitting there crying & at a loss for words & worst of all staring at him. uugghhh i hate this!

[(JD)]

Tabby, that is hardly any reason for a T to "dump" a patient. He knows better than you what you are expressing, and he probably has a way out of it for you... therapy is hard work. Learning how to get through all the emotions and controlling them and our thoughts is a huge undertaking... I'm glad you have someone to help you too

[tabby]

thanks for reassuring me. now i dont feel like such a freak. i swear the way i look at myself other people the world is just so out of proportion. the first few sessions of sobbing reminded me of when i first tried to get sober about 7 years ago. it was so confusing & frustrating. i was the only one in there sobbing like that & when i went to a halfway house there was a girl i went to school with & she said she had done the same thing. i have a ways to go & your right i guess my therapist knows the way out. id just like to know what he thinks it is & what direction hes moving in. i get paranoid thinking that he must be like man this girl has problems. like hes never seen anyone like me before. that sounds so conceited doesnt it? well my next appt is on the 3rd of jan so hopefully my nerves will be settled after that. i constatly have butterflies in my stomach lately.

[January]

Tabby,

Believe me, you are not the only person who has sobbed in therapy. My first visit with the pdoc and t were so terrifying that I could do nothing but sob the entire time. I couldn't even speak. Do you know why I was sobbing? I was so afraid no one would believe how very desperate I was and how much I needed help.

It gets easier. It really does.

Hugs,

Jan