Amy's Daily Journey

I hope your dress is coming along well

I think I have high expectations of myself, so sometimes it's not easy to be very gentle with myself. But I also am learning right now to accept what my limitations are. But everything I can push through still - I will

Lots of love
Amelia

I added this to my daily email tonight:

"Hi all,
as I got so many messages after my email this morning I think I will update you all at once instead of replying to each message. I had a long day today with hospital appointments and therapy, so I haven't been home for long.
Yes, I was able to eat finally, although I just couldn't get the porridge down. I decided on Italian bread and Nutella and it worked. Well, enough to get something into my stomach without throwing up immediately.
At the hospital I was given some stronger painkillers, which I feel are a curse and a blessing at the same time. They make me feel chatty and a little high (I hate that high feeling so much, because it feels too good!) but they do take care of a good amount of pain and that is good.

I had a good therapy session, although what we talked about was everything but easy. We were talking about when it's time to let go, and I find that so very hard. I feel like there is a battle going on inside me. One side wants to fight like crazy, the other side wants to give up and give in to what's going to happen. Right now the fighting side is winning triumphantly but I fear what will happen if the other side get's too strong.
But well, I am not there yet. But my therapist definitely made me think and I know that is good and bad at the same time.

I will write more tomorrow and thank you so much for being with me during this time.

With all my love,
Amelia"

I can't believe how fast the days are going by at the moment. It feels like the day doesn't have enough hours any more.
I am okay today but I am very tired. I had something on my mind all night. I know my therapist cancelled a couple of her clients yesterday because she had a very tough day the day before and closed her practice early, but she did come and see me for more than two hours. It makes me feel bad for the other clients who without a doubt need her too and were probably not happy she cancelled. She works with a lot of trauma patients because that is her specialty. So most of her clients aren't there for "light" stuff.
But I also of course like when she is with me, so somehow I feel torn today.

Anyway below is my email for Day #3 for today.

"Day #3

it's going to be a short one today, I haven't slept much and feel very tired.

So I thought about what I would write today because I don't want to whine about how horrible I feel or how afraid I am today.
So I thought this would be a good time to share some of my secrets with you. Now is a really good time for that I think

So you know my secret ingredient in my spaghetti sauce you always wanted to know?
It's two pieces of dark chocolate.
(Oh, and the secret ingredient in my peanut sauce, that makes it so creamy - is Coca Cola)

The biggest lie I ever told was that I didn't break our stove and made the plate split in half, when I did it by forgetting a pot on the stove that became so hot and black and completely ruined. I hid the pot behind the sink.

My guilty pleasure are the TV series "7th Heaven" and "The Andy Griffith Show". I would have been madly in love with Sheriff Taylor had I lived in the 50s and 60s.

The song I wrote "You" - I stole a bit of the melody from a German pop song.

I really don't like olives but I will eat them because people think they are serving me something special.

As a child I used to eat bugs that were shiny.

Well, these are a few of my secrets.

With love,
Amelia"

Thank you Amelia xx

amelia, you and your secrets are too cute.

A few characters to satisfy the rules

That was really nice to read, Amelia, like a little slice of you summed up in a few secrets I put 70% dark chocolate in my chillis - I must try it in bolognese.

Ew to eating shiny bugs though!!!

thank you for sharing we so love reading these ♥
and yes BIG ewwwwwwwwwww to bugs :P

Amelia, I love your awesome attitude!! Reading those secrets made me smile, thank you for sharing them with us. I've never made peanut sauce, but I'll try to make it with that secret ingredient. Do you use whole peanuts or peanut butter?

Take care! Much love,
D

Amelia, that was wonderful and really brightened my mood on an otherwise crap day!!! (never thought of chocolate in sp sauce but I'm gonna try it now!) You're an amazing person...thank you again!

I love peanut sauce over chicken or salmon. (Especially over salmon!) I use a cup of crunchy peanut butter, 3 teaspoons of soy sauce, grated ginger and one cup (!!) of Coca Cola. (But it must be fizzy still, flat coke doesn't work as well.)

Then I fry salmon crispy in the pan, flake it over arugula salad and drizzle peanut sauce over it. It's awesome!!

As a child I didn't find bugs creepy, the brighter their colour the more I would like them. Yeah, they made me sick sometimes
Today I hate bugs and creepy crawlers of all sorts.. I have a real phobia for some crawlers.

Amy thank you for reminding me that even when things are at their worst there is always something to have a sense of humor about. I am having a hard day so needed a smile..

Nottrustin, I am sorry you are having a hard day. I wish I could do more than making you smile, but if that's what I can do from here, then I am glad.
Take care, hun - I will be thinking about you.

Amelia

I'm sorry your having a difficult day Amelia but Its really good your T makes a special effort - dont feel bad about that, she knows you need her.

Your secrets are cute, when I was a child I was really into Enid Blyton books & used to look for fairies & pixies at the bottom of our garden (needless to say I didn't find any lol).

"Day #4

It's Sunday. It's 7:30 am and I am sitting outside in the fresh morning air and I am watching two cardinals on the bird feeder.

So I am wondering what to write today. Yesterday, my therapist came to see me for an hour or so. We sat outside an chatted and I wasn't feeling very well. I had struggled all day with an overwhelming exhaustion and tiredness. She told me that it's my body trying to conserve energy and it's best not to fight it. She held me in her arms for a while and I fell asleep to her heartbeat. I know, I know.. this sounds weird -after all she is my therapist. But she is also the one who accompanies me on this journey in a very intimate way. And I guess by intimate, I mean that this journey by nature is a very intimate one. She sees me at my weakest, at my most fearful, my most vulnerable - whereas with almost everyone else I keep up a very brave face. So in the end it wasn't weird at all, but very peaceful and calming.

She asked me to tell her 5 things I am most grateful for in my life. So I thought I share these with you today:

1. My absolutely wonderful and beautiful sisters and brothers who loved me no matter what, without any reservation and condition. They taught me how to love and how to care for people.
2. The lady who made sure I didn't starve to death when I was 7 years old, by feeding me in the middle of the night.
3. To be able to get a good education which led to some awesome jobs in which I met great people, traveled the world and was able to give back by giving myself completely.
4. That very special man that captured my heart so completely and who loved me so completely, accepted me so completely. He left this world way too soon but every second with him was one that I count as the best of my life.
5. Finding faith. (This should probably be #1 as it is the best thing that ever happened to me.)

I could make this list longer, much longer in fact. But I guess these are the 5 most important things.

Oh by the way, to the lady who asked me why her peanut sauce didn't become creamy... you have to heat it up

With love,
Amelia"

This is very thought-provoking for me for lots of reasons, so thank you for sharing here on PC. Hope you find some ease from the exhaustion today xxx

Amelia, the below is meant as a wee gift. It's something that frequently helps me when I'm in unimaginable pain from grief about my mother, and I thought it might bring some good to your heart too. Please, if it is not what you want on your thread, tell me and I will delete it at once. It's by Dylan Thomas.


And Death Shall Have No Dominion
And death shall have no dominion.
Dead man naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

~ it's the first stanza.

"Though lovers be lost love shall not" I think refers to all human experience of love. It doesn't leave or go away because of death.

It comforts me to think of us all, one day, having stars at elbow and foot

No, I don't want it deleted - I love it! It really is a gift to me today, thank you so very much!

After sending my email I got a response from a friend of mine and I asked if it was ok to share here and he said yes. So I would love to share it with you because in a single email it felt like my life was worth something, that I made someone happy and right now I think I needed to know this.
The story to my friendship with Jason is that I met him one evening in December 2003 when my friend Johanna and I went out to buy 10 Christmas presents for the first 10 homeless people we saw on our way from Waterloo station to Picadilly Circus. We gave away 9 of the presents but none of the people ever said thank you and we thought: "Wow, here are giving them something nice and they don't even say thank you!! That's kinda rude!" The last person we met was Jason. He was our age, so early 20s. We sat down on the cold ground next to him and gave him our last present. He asked us why we are doing it and we said: "Because we are Christians!" He laughed at us, opened his huge bag and got out a bible. He told us that we were really arrogant thinking that if we give someone a material gift, when they needed compassion and perhaps and open ear. He said that would have been a much better gift. He taught us quite a lesson that night. We left because it was getting late but halfway across Hungerford Bridge we knew we had to go back and give him money to stay at a hotel or to buy food. Our gift really didn't help with his hunger or him being cold. When we returned, he was gone.
The next day we went back and found him at the shelter he has told us about. We gave him the money, everything we had. I gave him my phone number.
A year later Jason called me. He got out of the shelter the day after we saw him last, used the money to get a bedsit in a sheltered housing project and went back to school.
Today, ten years later he teaches at a middle school, is married and has two beautiful daughters age 5 and 7.

"Amelia,
for the last four days, I have been sitting in the teacher's lounge, watching my email inbox like a hawk. I am waiting for that ping that means your message has arrived. When it finally arrives, which usually is around lunchtime for me, I am taking out my sandwich, lean back and enjoy lunch while I read your email.
It is only in that moment that I feel my body relax because I know that special girl that you are is still breathing and still fighting, still spreading hope and joy.
I dread the day when the messages will stop. I am afraid my heart might not be able to recover. I am afraid when you leave, my life will feel like I lost half of it. Because before I met you I was only half of who I am now.
You literally picked me up off the street. When you stroked the scar on my face I felt seen for the first time. Yes, you were also obnoxious and annoying but you had good intent! When you came to find me the next day, I had to change my view. Nobody had ever come back for me before.
Without you, I would not be who I am now. I would never have met Maleni, and I most definitely not be a dad right now. Perhaps I would not even be alive.
So keep writing girl, keep writing for as long as you can. I will be breathing with you.

I love you.
Jason"

Jason is lucky to have met you in person. I consider myself lucky to know you a little online.

I couldn't agree more with Cherbiej.

very emotional

I always enjoy reading your posts.